Chapter 6
The Tug of War Called Fate and Desire
"The moment we begin to fear the opinions of others and hesitate to tell the truth that is in us, and from motives of policy are silent when we should speak, the divine floods of light and life no longer flow into our souls."
A/N
Yeah, last chapter was extremely slow, so I decided to post the next one.
Ugh, can't wait till she's sixteen…
Anyways, yeah. I also apologize for bad grammar. I haven't been checking my work very well…
And the whole thing at the beginning of the last chapter? Sort of an apology for the long wait. I might write some more of those types of things, maybe in another story or at the beginning of a chapter as a somewhat apology. So feel free to kinda ask for whatever, I won't guarantee anything, but if I feel like I need to repay you guys, well… Whatever. Spoof, serious, different POV whatever, I don't really care. What if scenarios too.
Also, I'm really sorry if everything seems rushed. I'm triying to get to the actual story, but she's so far away from Lloyd and the gang, I have to create a whole new story.
It will be paced better in the story line soon. By the way, as another apology for the generally shity writing, I will tell you a secret.
THE BIG QUESTION
When Is The Story Arc?
ANSWER
Chapter 8
Woohoo! So close guys! So, how do you think it'll play out? Haha, Kinda wanna hear predictions, but I don't care too much since its already written and set in stone, I might make slight ajustments.
Aaaaany way, if you ignored everything I said thats totally fine. I just like to know people like reading, so…
Enjoy!~
The news of the Governor-General Dorr's wife passing away came. Sure enough, it was a tragic experience. I watched as a few days later, he gave his obviously fake speech on how it was possible for the human race to prevail against the Desians as long as we were willing to work to pay the price.
"Do you see it?" I looked up to the sky and frowned. I wasn't one to talk to myself, but its impossible to keep everything to yourself sometimes, especially when you're in a mood. "Its happening already..."
It was another step in the plot, another step closer to the big decisions- Sure, I had made conclusions, absolute observations and yeah, resolves. But to follow through with them all…
The lies spread through Palmacosta like a disease people couldn't realize to even have. Most fell for it, and the few that verbally announced they saw through his lies were ostracized. Heaven forbid anyone makes it harder on the man, after all, he has to take care of his young daughter by himself!
Eventually, everyone conformed to everyone else and there was no one who didn't idolize Dorr. Except me, Katherine and possibly a few others. I stayed true to my teachers and past knowledge to make sure I would never fall for the falseness. And some? There were just some people who thought that any sort of rule was corrupt. If only they could see the world of my past life, they would have a heart attack…
I ended up moving in with Katherine over the years. She was seventeen at that point, and with the money she saved up and left overs from Tia she managed to buy a good house. I stayed there when I wasn't traveling or visiting 'friends', which was barely ever. She had changed from the overbearing, attention hog of a child to a loving, caring, generous young woman. In my past life, I would have been jealous. She would be everything to everyone, while I felt like nothing. But at the given time? I was Eris, did I even have the right of wishing to be someone else, when I was already someone else? Wishing to be someone else… It already detaches a person from oneself with a normal mindset, but with me? I would just lose myself completely, mostly because I didn't even know who I even was anymore.
It was a constant struggle, and although it seemed repeated, it was completely relevant. I could be completely satisfied with a thought process one day, but then the next I would scrap it and test out the next one. For example, one day I would feel as if it was okay if the world was going to shit, because I was fine. But the next it would be me feeling guilty, because I had all the time to do something, but never bothered. There were other slight things, but still. It mattered.
It was truly taxing.
I didn't… I didn't know. It wasn't even Mikayla against Eris anymore it seemed. It was… There was more. Insanity? Maybe. Or perhaps the new mind, old memories, different body shape, same body movement was affecting my mental state so badly I was beginning to make multiple persona's to protect myself. All the differences between the past and present, the contrasts between how I should feel based on how I was raised, and how I should feel based on how I was 'raised'... Or something. One day, I would say 'I'm Eris' and another would be 'its Mikayla'. I struggled with both. Was I both?
I would never be satisfied until I knew for sure.
I couldn't simply say 'I do what I do and what I do is who I am' because… Well, there has to be an 'I' to do what I do. Who was I? Was I Eris, or was I Mikayla? A question so often brought up, but could it ever be truly answered?
I thought not. I thought never, I was cursed to never know.
But being with Katherine helped. At least if I had a social label, I could conform to it. If I was some little kid to someone, fine. If people perceived me differently, fine. I could become who other people saw me as, simply because it spared me from the insanity of it all.
I appreciated being labeled.
"I feel like I can get to know Grandmother through getting to know you…" Katherine had told me the day she offered to let me stay in her home. I helped her pay the bills, it wasn't half and half exactly since I was barely there, but it was still enough to help her out.
I was growing rather skilled, and by the time I turned fourteen, Chiron had finally left Palmacosta and back to traveling, to continue with his business. He actually stayed longer than expected(A few years is quite some time for a mercenary to generally stay in one place).
Kaiden. Where did I ever even begin? He was a punk. People seemed to come and go, but he stuck around. A very specific reason though, with how he tagged along, but made sure I was aware that he wasn't particularly attached. The way he'd always get into trouble with the boys whenever I was around, the signs were pretty obvious.
I wasn't exactly fond of being an object for someone's affections.
Yeah, pretty cocky I know, and it was kinda surprising, but I knew the signs from time spent looking back in the past. To be honest, I was much prettier in my last life. I wasn't exactly ugly in this one though. I was short and pixie like, with messy auburn hair and intense reddish brown eyes. But when someone constantly blushes(Manly like, I might add) at everything you say that isn't an obvious insult, always making jokes, and laughing at pathetic dry humor, there's a large chance that yes. He liked me. So, I did what any good person would do and told him to find some other girl to hound.
In retrospect, that probably wasn't the greatest way to handle it, but it would cause problems later on, I knew. It was awkward(For him, I couldn't care less), but he got over it. We were friends.
I finally got that outfit replacement I needed too.
I had the same gear, except I had a lot more weapons and my main daggers were more like short(And by short, I meant the blade itself was the length of my fingertips to my elbow). What I had also included a new shirt, and I had torso straps for extra daggers and pouches to be stored underneath my new zip up. Tan shorts were the new thing as well, short and baggy(Classy, I liked to say), and just underneath my good old familiar weapon pouches. And for comforts sake(Since for some reason, socks were actually worthless in Sylvarant), I used bindings so my boots wouldn't give me blisters. They didn't go up high, so they weren't very… Mummy-ish.
For some reason, over time the Desian activity was slowly waning in the southeast. Though when I traveled closer to Iselia, the activity increased largely. That was a cause for concern, but I supposed since they had to keep up their dastardly reputation. Except… It left room to wonder, just what were the Desians doing in the southern areas, anyway? Twiddling their thumbs? I thought not.
I still hadn't been to Luin in years. Although I did receive a few letters, one from Balder checking up on me and telling me I was welcome to stay in his new home in Luin. The other three were from the little girl Balder and Chiron saved along with me all those years ago. Sarah.
That one was a year or so after the incident. The next one came after three years of living with Katherine and at fifteen years old, and it was the most shocking and confusing one of all.
It was a… normal day. I had run to the pier to catch some guy before he took off to Izoold, bought groceries, walked around town with Kaiden, hid out in the library(Reading myths), before coming back to the house to relax. I stepped through the door, noticing the normal sight of Katherine sitting on the couch. She was cross legged, scowling at some piece of paper like she was blaming world hunger on the small object, before looking up sharply as I intentionally shut the door a little too loud to alert her my precense so I didn't give her a heart attack if she didn't happen to notice me in time.
"Oh. Hey Eris, nice to actually see your face for once. Bring back any souvenirs from Jötunheimr? It'd be nice to see what you've been up to before I go to the Robinson's house to help their husband recover."
I rolled my eyes. In Aselia, Jötunheimr was a place parents told their kids about when teaching history lessons. It was also part of one of the more famous books in the world(Basically the equivalent of Harry Potter), so it would make sense nerds like me and Katherine would reference it and respond to it as a normal occurrence. In the book, it was a world that contained giants, and a world with the ability to sever destiny, yada yada yada, point is just because I was in another world, didn't mean nerds didn't exist.
"Not right now Katherine." I sighed, walking past her. She stood up in response.
"Wait a minute!" She grabbed my collar, and I glared at her. Just to spite her, I continued walking when she let go. Surprisingly, she said and did nothing.
Except she didn't not do something, I realized as I felt a soft corner hit my head from projected force.
"What the-" I whipped around, trying to see what she threw- A letter. I picked it up with a slight scowl, reading the name and address: To, Eris S. Palmacosta, Eastern Residences. From, Sarah V.. Luin, South East Residences.
I raised my eyebrow, waving the letter at Katherine. She walked up to me with a slight pout on her face. I wasn't affected by her unaffected attitude, already being used to it. "Whats this…?" As I thought about it another thing stood out as well, so I asked, "And why didn't you read it?"
She shrugged. "Oh please, it was addressed to you. What, not old enough to read big girl letters by yourself?" I tutted loudly at the not so clever insult.
"Right." I drawled, beginning to rip the letter to open it so I could read its contents. Katherine's eyes were oddly set on the letter. I tilted my head awkwardly. "Uh. Whats up?"
She didn't even hesitate before pointing to the letter and answering my question. "A few things, but mostly- It says Eris 'S'. What does the 'S' stand for anyways? I thought you were an orphan?"
I blinked. Then I suddenly realized what exactly she was asking, and chuckled nervously. "I- I am, and I still don't know my parents, but…"
"'But'?" She put her hand loosely on her hip, raising her eyebrow(A Tia trait we both picked up, but neither of us ever verbally acknowledged it) challengingly.
I raised my hands defensively. "Its required to have a last name in Palmacosta when you are a self sustained resident, so I got to choose mine. Its Eris backwards. Standard, but it works."
Katherine was silent for a moment, before grinning mockingly. "Is that the best you could come up with?"
I blushed, looking away indignantly. "Why does it even matter?!"
She laughed. "You could have just used the Vallance name, or even mine. No one would have really cared."
I didn't comment, simply tilting my head. Sure, maybe no one would have cared. But it still felt wrong somehow, like I was invading. When it became clear there was nothing else to be said, I walked up to my room to read the letter.
Flopping on the springy mattress, kicking aside some odd trinkets I'd picked up as well as books and notes I used to study with, I quickly tore open the letter.
Dear, Eris
Hey. I know its been a while, but I still remember you. I heard that you were Tia's student. I never heard that, but apparently its because my mother… isn't my real mother. But something that was shocking, maybe to both of us, is that… Tia is my grandmother. For some reason its a secret, I haven't figured out who she is. The reason she got captured was because of me and my brother… The truth behind who Tia is, why she saved me…. I don't know. I didn't know why she kept it all a secret. But I thought you might know something, so if you do please tell me. Please. I need to know… To find out who I am. I need to know this to move forward. Who knows… maybe it will help us both.
Sincerely, Sarah
I blinked. I felt like I couldn't comprehend it, so I read it a second time to really analyze the letter, to look at any hidden messages, or anything… Familiar, unfamiliar, whatever, just anything to either support it or not to support it. I didn't know if I wanted to accept the letter, or to throw it away without ever looking at it again, pretending it didn't exist.
I stared at the letter in shock. Sarah… was related to Tia? But she had a little brother too. I thought Tia only had one child. So was Sarah Katherines…?
Well at least it wasn't Kit kats daughter. That would have been nasty.
"You look spooked there Riss. You alright?"
I looked up to the green eyed blond above me. It seemed I was so out of it, I didn't even see Katherine walk in. I looked her over, medical supplies? How did she get ready for work so fast? Was I really so distracted I lost track of so much time?
I looked back down at the letter before looking up again, lips pursed tight. I continued to stare at her, still in shock of the possibility of her having a long lost family.
I shook my head and without really thinking of what I was doing, I began to fabricate a lie in my mind. I shook myself out of it, lying? Why would I do that to her? She deserved to know, why did I feel it was…?
I turned my head, and looked to her indirectly at the corner of my eye. "Hey… Katherine…?"
"Yes?"
"You never… I mean… What happened to your family…? I, uh. Do you have any?"
She immediately turned to me, and stared me down with her best doctor glare. You know, the one where you're like 'Yeah, I took my medicine every single day' and the doctor kinda looks at you and says sarcastically 'Yeah, I can tell… Signs of progress usually include deadly vital signs after all'. I tried my best to keep a poker face, but it was too late as she snatched my letter, without looking and instead holding it up as if to keep it from me(Not that I wanted to keep it, she could burn it for all I cared), said "You never stutter unless you're keeping a secret from me."
This sucked, because usually I was incredible at keeping secrets from people. But after taking me out of the orphanage, taking care of me, and feeding me how could I not respect her? That respect kept me in line, so much so that I could hardly lie to the woman.
"Well… I uh… Y-you're right! How do you know me so well?" I laughed nervously, and she never broke eye contact. "You caught me. I...I have… A boy friend! Yeah! I-in Luin! I mean aaah, Asgard! Asgard!"
"What, do you think I'm stupid? You never go to Luin, and Asgard boys are way too hard to get. All the girls want them! Trust me, I would know if you were crushing on someone."
As she began to open it, I tried in vain to warn her against, but alas, I was still far too short even verbally.
"O-Y… Your right…! I…. I'm in love with him, I mean, er, sort of, love isn't really-!"
"Whats his name then?"
"Er.. Wh-wha-what? I mean… Er, his name is Gavani Calisto!"
Calisto as in the female sea monster and Team Rockets boss? Is that honestly what you were thinking about?
"... Eris, you realize Gavani is a girls name, right?" I gulped. She was using my actual name, which meant she was serious.
Gavani is a girls name here? What the heck?
"Well that's because its short for… Uh. Givian."
How is that 'short' in any way? You're busted! Ha!
"..." At this point she was reading the letter, and her 'You are in so much trouble young lady' face morphed into her 'Oh shit' face.
I waited silently for the verdict, fingers crossed. Would she kick me out? Or more likely in a world of mana and summon spirits and rebirth, she would go insane and join Yggdrasil, wind up being the final boss that ended up dying. Then the game would stop just as the character steps away from their dead form, never saying a word, and suddenly it just ends-
"Sarah….?" The woman's voice cut through my panic, and I sighed. Oh boy. "Sarah's… Alive…?" Katherine murmured, lifting her hands to her mouth as her eyes filled with tears. Her eyes turned to me, and I flinched.
"Why… Why were you going to keep this a secret from me…?"
Ouch.
I sighed, looking down guiltily. "I wasn't going to keep it a secret… I was just going to hold on to the information so I could plan out how to tell you in the best way possible…."
Katherine left out a breathy laugh, "But Eris… She's my sister." I flinched at the pure emotion of that statement. Sarah was her sister, Her family. They were related.
Closer than you and Tia are now, I'm sure.
I flinched and looked down, Sarah was alive. I…
I'm so selfish I thought, and the older girl sat in beside me on the bed, and grabbed my hands.
"Eris… I never wanted to ask, because you loved Tia more than anybody, but… What exactly happened in Luin? The whole truth."
I lowered my head, and let out a sigh. The whole truth? But there was so many things that had to be left unsaid… The pure confusion of it all, the feelings it caused, the expression. It felt like everything that caused it all couldn't be explained. And here she was asking for the whole truth, the truth that even if I wanted to, I could hardly tell... It would take a god to tell, a god to know. But there was only the goddess, a fake deity created for the self absorbance of a single man. All I had told Katherine was that her Grandmother was attacked by Desians on our trip back from Luin. She never prodded any further, thank the heavens.
I didn't want to be blamed. I already blamed myself, I couldn't take the shame from the only family Tia had left.
Well, I thought. Not only apparently.
"It… We were walking into Luin." I started quietly, almost hoping if I spoke quite enough, she couldn't hear me. "We sensed something was wrong right off the ba- I mean…" I realized baseball wasn't a Sylvarant thing, so I changed my words. "Not even a second after we got there. We walked into town and…" I took a deep breath. "Desians. Everywhere. They had two children hostage, and without saying anything Tia went in to save them. She failed, and she was… captured."
"C-captured?" the older medic murmured, voice shaky and eyes wide. "You mean… Tia might be alive?"
"I tried to save her… But I failed miserably…." I told her, lowering my head further. "We were saved by Balder and Chiron, Me and Sarah I mean. The boy and Tia weren't as lucky."
The girls face went back to normal, and she was now looking down at the letter thoughtfully, and I wondered if she wished the boy- her brother, made it out instead of me. When nothing was said, I continued. "I did everything I could, and I failed…I-I can't say I'm sorry, there was nothing to regret because honestly… I looked it over, and there was nothing I could have done in my state back then." I admitted. Her gaze sharpened. "But that doesn't mean I will ever stop taking responsibility for it. Everything you feel because of me is my responsibility. I will do anytyhing to make it up to you. Even if you never want to see me again, or even it you've already forgiven me." I looked at her straight in the eye, because even though I was scared, Katherine deserved the truth, and dammit I was going to give it to her. "Katherine… I'll be better. I'll do whatever it takes so I'm strong enough to not let that happen again."
I was sorry for holding the truth from her, yes. I was sad for failing to save Tia. But most of all, I was sorry for being too weak in every sense of the word. I locked up my feelings to tolerate them, and in turn hurt everyone around me. It was too late to fix it though. I had lost Ann, Giles, Tia, and I might have lost Katherine as well.
However. Apologizing wasn't going to make her trust me. It wasn't going to make up for it. I didn't care about forgiveness… I cared about payment. I would do something to make up for what I wasn't going to stop the Desians from doing the same things. It didn't then.
Its not like I wanted to free the world from them because they were suffering exactly. No, it was more of the people I wanted to last were affected by it. The Desians made everyone weak, so I would make us strong.
I talked big though. There was still a single lasting fear… There was still an unfair part of me that refused to leave, that I could only keep silent about, that I just couldn't simply lock away.
Please don't leave me, I wanted to plead. I don't want to be truly and utterly alone…
… Weren't we anyways?
But I didn't need people. That's just who I was labeled as… Right?
Exactly.
"Eris… Thank you."
I stiffened, and watched her as she smiled, although teary eyed, completely and utterly sincere.
Just as sincere as her grandmother.
But how sincere can it actually be?
"I'm sorry to tell you this… But you need to write her back… You don't need to go back to Luin, but… Write her back." Katherine ordered, now a stern, but soft expression on her features. "She deserves that much."
"You don't want to do it yourself?"
"Oh no." She said, pointing at me. "She wrote you."
.
Dear Sarah,
I cannot go to Luin at this time to answer your questions as you asked me to. I can however, afford to write you a letter to answer them. It wouldn't be fair of me to keep this from you, and if I have the power to make something easier for you, I have the responsibility to do it.
I remember you also. I didn't get to speak to you much, due to everything that was happening. Yes, I am Tia's student. It has been this way for several years now, and even though she hasn't been around, her memory still inspires me as a teacher should. I'm sorry to hear that your family life right now is confusing, so I completely understand that you're looking for any connection to your past family. I lost my family long ago to a terrible accident. I was very surprised to hear that Tia is your grandmother, but I would believe it. She has a very large heart, enough room for an infinite amount of people.
I do have some information, regarding Tia. There are many things I could tell you, although none can convey truly just how amazing your grandmother was. The foremost information I should reveal to you is this; Your elder sister, Katherine, is alive. I'm not quite sure just how you're related exactly, but I know you both have the same mother.
Katherine is planning on visiting you soon. I'm not sure when, but soon, judging by the way she's fervently packing.
We live in Palmacosta, Tia lived here with Katherine quite some time ago. Last Tia told me was that her daughter lived in Asgard twelve years ago, but I have never met her myself, and I'm not sure how valid the information is and just who she is to anyone. So it's not much information to go off of.
Thats all I can think of that is necessary for you to know. I travel much, so I can't guarantee I will get your letters soon after you send it. If you have anymore questions that is.
I apologize in advance if this does not satiate your desire to know more about Tia. I hope you grew up well after the tragic incident all those years ago, but since you're looking for closure I assume you've grown up rather nicely for your predicament. Although its a pleasure, there's not much more I can think of to say.
Hope I don't see you too soon, Eris
P.S. I hope your right. Maybe this will help us both to heal, and keep Tia's memory.
.
I had a dream that night. A dream I often replayed in my head, but never remembered why.
I was fifteen at the time(In my first life), right before I was caught in a rockfall. I barely survived it, and I was out of commission. It wasn't like what happened with Anna, rather I was underground. It was scarier than falling from high places, and I came out that day with a harsh fear for tight spaces. I received therapy later but…
Anyways, there was another dream as well. Of my past life again.
I was standing in a blue dress around a table in front of a couch that my grandma sat in, grinning nervously as I held a scarf we tried sowing on the old and worn couch as I spoke to the older woman. Although it was hilarious how butchered the attempt was, I was sad I failed so badly. I wanted my first attempt back, so I didn't have to start over, but I couldn't. But the fact was, I could start over. So I was also hopeful.
I felt a breeze in my clothing. The clothing I wore in my dreams at least.
They were uncomfortable. I heard a voice comment in the back of my mind, and I laughed a bit as I watched on in my dream. It was uncomfortable, but my grandma made it, and it was cute. It was actually a Oshawott dress. Pokemon, she made it for Christmas. My grandma was awesome.
I suddenly felt sad. I wanted it back. But I shook my head. I made a decision, I was going to see it through, to the illogical bitter ends. I took my life, so I was going to live through the new one given to me that time.
We continued stitching for the rest of the dream. Truthfully, I would have given up, if not with my grandmother. She taught me to keep trying, because at the ends of that week, I had a scarf that was decorated with leftovers from our... My previous failures.
.
