Moony's Authour's Note: My sincerest apologies for the late update. I didn't realize how much time had past...For SnowShimmer, who reminded me to update.


Draco: I kind of don't want to read this chapter.

Dumbledore: It does not do to not give it a chance.

Snape: Headmaster, your wisdom filled statements are not quite up to par.

McGonagall: SEVERUS! Respect!

Chapter 7. Bring me 2 life

Hermione: Oh look! This one has a chapter name!

Dumbledore: I believe this means sex!

Ron: What is your obsession with sex?

Draco: It turns him on...

Ron: I didn't need to know, Malfoy.

Draco: You asked!

AN: wel ok u guyz

Snape: Would it kill her to spell things properly?

Draco: Probably.

Snape: Five points to Slytherin.

im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws.

Hermione: I thought she's obsessed with Satan, and wanted god reviews?

Draco: Merlin, Granger, it's a typo!

Hermione: I know, I'm just commenting!

Draco: No one cares for your Mudblood comments.

Harry: Shut up, Malfoy, no Slytherins are here to hear your fake stupidity.

Draco: ...

McGonagall: Ten points to Gryffindor, and five from Slytherin.

Snape: ...good call...

n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons!

Draco: Ooh, that's probably asking for too much.

McGonagall: Even I'd have to agree.

Draco: Five points to Slytherin?

McGonagall: No.

STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U!

Harry: Woah!

Hermione: She's a bit bipolar.

Ron: Stop using such big words!

Evony

Draco: I am still unable to understand how she continues to spell her own character's name wrong. It's pathetic.

Harry: Anybody who writes about anybody having sex with you is pathetic.

Draco: Hey!

isn't a Marie Sue ok she isn't perfect

Hermione: Well, she's written that way...

SHES A SATANITS!

Snape: That escalated quickly...

Draco: I bet she's perfect in this authour's eyes...

Hermione: I hate to say...but I agree with Malfoy.

Ron: HERMIONE, YOU TRAITOR!

McGonagall: Mr Weasley, please calm down. I would like to get to the story today, if you please.

Snape: Two points from Gryffindor. Minerva forgot to do so.

n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake!

Hermione: Actually, that is the recipe for creating a Mary Sue, make them depressed so the world revolves around them. I'm surprised the authour doesn't know this, this is actually normally considered common knowledge-

Draco: I'm going to say this politely, Granger...SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Hermione: ...That wasn't very polite.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXZXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Draco: X's with random Satan's number in the middle, heehee...and the Z. Why is there a 'Z'? Am I not allowed to enjoy my x's in peace?

Dumbledore: Accidents happen. That is why they are called accidents.

Draco: I DON'T CARE WHY THEY'RE CALLED ACCIDENTS!

Harry: Calm down, Malfoy. Angst year was last year.

Draco: I can be angsty whenever I want, Potter.

Hermione: Now I know why Malfoy and Harry are rivals!

McGonagall and Snape: ...

Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish

Ron: Why was that important?

Dumbledore: Details help one read the authour's mind.

Snape: Headmaster, I do not really wish to see what is going on in this authour's mind.

McGonagall: Unfortunately, I find myself in the same position as Severus.

as we went upstairs. I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish

Harry: I don't care.

Ron: She's not as sexy as Hermione.

Hermione: WHAT?!

Ron: What?

Harry: ...

(AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?).

Hermione: Yes.

Snape: Five points from Gryffindor.

Hermione: WHY?

Snape: For being wrong. Clothing cannot define a Mary Sue.

Hermione: AAHHHHHH! I never get things wrong!

McGonagall: We are going to be out of points soon.

Dumbledore: Losing hope is the first step to failure.

Draco: No one cares for your unwise wise words, Dumbledore!

I waved to Vampire.

Harry: I killed her. Because I am the boy who lived! I am just that epic!

Dark misery was in his depressed eyes.

Draco: No you didn't.

I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco.

Harry: Wait, what?! Why would I be jealous about...about-

Dumbledore: Would you like some gay counseling? I can help you there.

Draco: Um...

Snape: Um...

Harry: I AM NOT GAY! Why would I be jealous for Ebony going out with Draco?

Draco: I don't swing that way, and nor would I date a Potter.

Harry: I wouldn't date a Malfoy either.

McGonagall: FIFTY POINTS TO GRYFFINDOR FOR COOPERATION!

Snape: 50 points to Slytherin for the same reason.

McGonagall: Well that defeats the purpose.

Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco.

Draco: Oh no, no, no, no.

Dumbledore: I wonder how accurate this is.

We went into his room and locked the door.

Draco: Scream me, scream! She's RAPING you!

Harry: *gleeful* I'm pretty sure this is mutual.

Ron: Oh this is great!

Then…

Draco: I ran out of the room after AVADA KEDAVRAing her!

We started

Draco: Shit.

frenching passively

Hermione: Passively? How do you french passively? Or why?

Draco: I don't french passively!

Dumbledore: That would turn me on.

Draco: NOBODY CARES!

Harry: I don't think I want to have anymore private lessons with you, sir.

Draco: Private lessons with Dumbledore?!

and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically.

Harry: Oh Merlin!

Ron: This is even better than the bouncing ferret!

Draco: Shut up.

McGonagall: Don't be a poor sport.

He felt me up

Harry: How did she feel?

Draco: ...

Snape: Five points from Gryffindor for stupid questions.

Harry: This is not fair! Snape always backs Malfoy up.

Dumbledore: Professor Snape, Harry.

Harry: You see!

before I took of my top.

Ron: Geez, you made the girl do it herself? That is not how you do it!

Then I took off my black leather bra and he took off his pants.

Hermione: Her bra is black. Why does this matter?

Draco: She's a Mary Sue. Everything matters.

Harry: Even her sex life?

Draco: Shut up.

Harry: You called that upon yourself, mate.

Ron: MATE?!

Harry: Malfoy. I meant Malfoy.

Draco: ...

We went on the bed and started making out naked

Draco: No shit.

Snape: I do not want to witness this stupid teenage phenomenon.

McGonagall: Nor do I.

Hermione: HOUSE UNITY! Now, for about the house-elfs...

Ron: Draco is making out with a Mary Sue, and you're worrying about spew?!

and then he put his boy's thingy in mine

Hermione: She has a boy thingy? A penis?

Dumbledore: Gay sex is not wrong.

Snape: For the last time, are you a gay pedophile?

Dumbledore: ...maybe?

Snape: You're not even speaking in riddles anymore! This is just plain obnoxious!

and we HAD SEX.

Draco: Why is that in caps?

Ron: She had sex with you. Obviously it's gonna have to be in caps for us to believe it.

Draco: Excuse me!

(c is dat stupid?)

All: Yes.

Everyone looks around at eachother.

Dumbledore: You know what they say about people who say things at the same time? They're soulmates.

Everyone: ...

"Oh Draco, Draco!" I screamed

Hermione: How attractive.

Draco: Shut up.

while getting an orgasm

Ron: How attractive.

Harry: It only works when you say it at the same time.

Ron: Oh.

when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm.

Draco: *really worried* Shit.

Harry: *curious*

Hermione and Ron: *roll eyes*

It was a black heart with an arrow through it.

Draco: Wait, what?!

Harry: NO WAY!

Snape: Mr Malfoy, why do you have a tattoo on your arm.

Draco: ...

Dumbledore: Students have a right to express themselves.

On it in bloody gothic writing were the words…

Dumbledore: Bets?

McGonagall: Malfoy.

Snape: Snape.

Draco: AUGH!

Vampire!

Harry: WHAT?!

Draco: What?!

Harry: EEEEVVVVVVIIIIILLLLLL!

Dumbledore: Gayness is not something to be as-

McGonagall: The words are homoerotic feelings.

Draco: SHUT UP! WHY DO I HAVE VAMPIRE WRITTEN ON MY SKIN?!

I was so angry.

Draco and Harry: Me too!

Dumbledore: You know what they-

Draco and Harry: Shut up! You stop talking! No you! ARRRGH!

Ron: You guys are digging yourself into a deeper hole.

"You bastard!"

Hermione: Woah. Calm down, Mary.

Snape: She has a headache.

I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.

Ron: I'm imagining Ebony doing some weird flying thing and escaping from Malfoy heroically.

Draco: This is not the time for jokes.

Harry: Why is my name plastered on your skin?

"No! No! But you don't understand!"

Draco: Wait, what don't you understand?

Hermione: *laughing* She probably thinks you're cheating on her for Harry.

Draco: What?! That is the stupidest-

Draco pleaded.

Draco: I. Do. Not. Plead. Nor, do I have a tattoo with Potter's pseudonym on it.

Harry: I am the Boy Who Lived, not Vampire!

McGonagall: ...bickering like an old married couple...

But I knew too much.

Draco: Oh Merlin...

Harry: ...hear, hear...

"No, you fucking idiot!"

Dumbledore: *wincing* You are going to turn him away.

Draco: Can you not see I want to be turned away?

Dumbledore: No.

I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!"

Dumbledore: Woah, woah, woah! Hold the phone!

Snape: There is no phone.

Dumbledore: You don't get AIDs through gay sex!

McGonagall: And you would know how?

Dumbledore: I've done it! And I'm AIDs free!

McGonagall, Snape, Ron, and Hermione: ...

Draco: Why is everyone under the impression Potter or I got the other one laid?

Harry: Believe me, if I knew, this whole thing would have stopped.

I put on my clothes all huffily

Hermione: She can't even write an emotional moment, it's way too grammatically incorrect.

and then stomped out. Draco ran out even though he was naked.

Everyone but Draco: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Draco: What have I done to deserve such awful treatment?

Harry: Were born.

Hermione: She has not denied the two of you having sex...

Harry: I think it's her imagination.

Draco: I agree.

He had a really big you-know-what

Draco: Smile?

Dumbledore: I believe she means the testicles?

Ron: The...dick? Hahahahahahaha!

Draco: We have a First Year here. Call an ambulance.

McGonagall: Muggle thing...

Draco: ...no.

Hermione: Actually—

Draco: Shut up. This is a big enough disaster already!

Dumbledore: But surely you want others to see your parts!

Snape: What is wrong with you? I don't.

but I was too mad to care.

Hermione: She sure assumes a lot.

Ron: Like she assumes she has a brain?

Draco: *mutters* As if you have a brain.

Hermione: *oblivious to Draco* Exactly!

Ron: Hey!

I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire's classroom

McGonagall: If you're both in Slytherin, I would assume you both have the same classes.

Harry: Not in Seventh Year. I think I'm in higher classes.

Draco: That is not true!

Harry: So you think Ebony is worthy of being in NEWTs classes?

Draco: ...

Hermione: She could be acting dumb.

Snape: Or you both could be ditching classes.

where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape

Snape: I am forever traumatized.

Draco: Hey! I'll have you know my penis is perfect!

and some other people.

Hermione: These are not important in such an important time.

Draco: How is this important?

Ron: Quiet! I want to remember this. Draco Malfoy, the gay guy with a huge banana...heehee...actually, bad mental image.

"VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!"

Harry: Uh oh...

I yelled.

Draco: Ebony is becoming Dumbledore!

Dumbledore: Two Dumbledores!

McGonagall: Yay!

Snape: May Merlin preserve my soul.


Moony's Authours Note: Please review! You all are AWESOME, because you are all totally goffic. Yay!