Almost immediately after her declaration, Kougyoku spent the next week in bed.

The next week, she forced herself to get up and help Ka Koubun with each task. Despite the exhaustion that persisted, she hated the thought of the useless state that had slowly become her norm.

The next two weeks were ruled by the voices as once more she was forced to her bed. To them it was worse to have tried and fail. It just showed how powerless she was in the long-run. As if she could change anything.

Still she got up again the next week and tried to be a member of the household, even as the exhaustion came back and shouted that her work was useless. For reason she couldn't really verbalize, might never be able to fully explain, this time she didn't fall back into those dark thoughts. She could feel herself teeter on the edge, as if the slightest breeze would knock her down a pit and she'd just keep falling forever and forever and forever.

Still for whatever reason she didn't fall. She regained her footing, as dangerously close to the edge as it was. And took a long, hard look at what laid below.

"Hmm," Kougyoku was surprised to hear her own voice and looked up to find herself sewing. "I'm close to having another episode again."

It didn't drag her any farther from the edge. On the contrary it only made her more aware of just one slip could ruin her. But she didn't fall

No, for the first time since she had been knocked from those bloody skies, back during the civil war, she didn't fall.

Kougyoku was surprised to find herself actually proud of her actions. Was she supposed to feel this way over something as small as not having a meltdown? Probably not. Yet that fact didn't change the way she felt. Most thought of surviving as a simple action that only required not dying, but she was glad for whatever inch of control she could contain.

Unfortunately with the colder weather came the listlessness again, and she eventually fell once more. Simply knowing how prone she was to episodes didn't stop them. Still at the same time the knowledge allowed her to dig herself back out of them easier and easier. The work was hard; she had to fight for the control every time. It was knowing she had done it before that propped her up and made it possible.

The real test came when Kougyoku decided she wanted physical proof of this change. She decided she'd make a scarf for Ka Koubun for the winter festival. This time it would be a real one, not the overgrown mess she had created a few years back. And if she got it right this time, then things would have to fare out better. When she was trying to hard how could she not?

Unfortunately by the time she mustered up the courage to go to the general goods store in town, they were out of the nice fabric they sold. Her tongue stopped working at the realization, and she was too frazzled to think of simply ordering the lesser quality fabric. She managed to scrounge up some fabric at home, but it was a collection of different colors, and it wasn't like she was any better at sewing than she used to be, and oh no this was turning out all wrong–

"Gyoku?" She looked up and found Ka Koubun staring at the mess of material that laid in her lap.

It was the straw that broke the camel's back. Without warning, Kougyoku began to cry.

"What's wrong? Did I come in at a bad time or–"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry I waited so long to make you a present, I'm sorry that I'm no good at making a scarf, I'm sorry I wasted our money just to–"

"Gyoku, it's not anything worth crying about." He crouched down so that he was on her level, as if he was talking to a child.

"You don't think I know that!" She hissed. However as soon as she spoke, she regretted her venom. "I'm sorry for being such a wreck. I just wanted this to work out for once, but now I've messed everything up."

Ka Koubun bit his lip as he studied her. "Why do you think that?"

"Huh?" Out of all the ways she had expected him to react, she was surprised he was searching for any motive.

"Why do you think things are ruined because you can't make a scarf?" He clasped his hands and rested his chin on them. "I was told that it can be helpful to break down irrational moments to find the rationality in them."

Kougyoku licked her lips as she pulled her thoughts together. "Well… it's the one goal I've given myself these last few weeks. The fact I can't even accomplish it makes the voices–"

"Voices?"

"It's not like I hear them!" She could feel a rush of shame spread across her body. Not only was she admitting her most vulnerable weakness, but it could be what finally pushes him to declare her a lost basket case. "I just call the part of me that constantly criticizes everything I do that." She stared at him, waiting to be laughed at, to be branded crazy.

"I see, you create a character for your inner critic. When you get upset at yourself, do you allow yourself to criticize the critic?"

It was like the needle was removed, and the camel could suddenly breathe again. It didn't heal his back, but finally the crushing weight was gone.

"No…"

"If your inner critic will insult you, why not insult the critic back? After all how are these voices so better than you when all they do is make fun of you?" Despite his confident words, she could see the the hesitation in his face, the insecurity over whether he was saying the right things or not.

Kougyoku reached for his hand. "I'm not crazy."

"Honestly who has the right to call anyone that when we live in a world like this?" It was an evasion of the topic at hand, but somehow she knew he really didn't believe she was.

"…thank you."

Knowing you were at the edge was better than nothing.


This time when spring came around. Kougyoku tried to take a note of it. She had survived pass Taohua's second birthday and into a new year.

Why should you celebrate such a small thing. You'll surely fail again.

"…Shut it…"

With the warmer weather came more time to spend with Taohua, more time to try and redeem her motherhood from the darkness that had stolen it away.

Unfortunately Taohua was growing and changing too. Now she was becoming a stubborn and energetic little thing. Sometimes she'd refuse to come and sit in her lap, choosing instead to chase butterflies or play with her ball. It was totally normal behavior; she was a child after all. Still on bad days she would lack the strength to fight her resistance, and the rejection would feel even worse. It was clear who needed this time together the most.

But they tried. Lord knows they both tried so hard. Even though she knew the same stories over and over again must be tiring, Kougyoku was trying. She was trying, she was trying, she was–

"Mama?"

Kougyoku looked down to find Taohua tugging at her sleeve. Slowly it came back to her that she had been trying to come up with a new story to share only to totally forget about her. Kougyoku didn't know which was more worrisome: the fact she seemed to keeping getting lost in her thoughts more and more, or the idea that she only was noticing this habit now.

"Mama?"

"Yes dear, I'm sorry," The words came out in a rushed mess. "I'm sorry, I truly am, you're mama sometimes isn't all there. She's quite a mess and–"

"–Mama's sick."

Kougyoku stared down at the child that laid in her lap. "What makes you think that?"

"Ka." Taohua frowned. "Feel bad?"

She was her father's daughter appearance-wise, dark hair, red eyes; however her facial features lacked any of the sly mischief Judal's had held, even when they were young. Instead there was an innocent seriousness to them, as if she was the parent and Kougyoku was the child.

You try so hard only to have to be taken care of by your own daughter? Do you even know her? Or is she just a symbol of one of the many ways you fail? Why can't you do what millions of women accomplish with ease?

"…I said shut it."

Sickness. She had never heard others describe her condition as something like that. Still it made sense, especially when thought about in context of her own mother. While Kougyoke lacked many memories of her, the servants that remembered her described her as an anxious, melancholic thing. Maybe her listlessness was a trait each woman before her had been forced to bear.

"Yes I'm sick." Kougyoku felt as if she had finally begun to breathe again after years without air. "And you could be too if we're not careful."

Taohua began to whimper, and instinctively Kougyoku stroked her hair.

"Don't worry, dear. I'll do my best to keep you from catching it. I want to take care of you like Ka Koubun takes care of us."

For her alone, she would try and walk on water.


Summer brought work to do, and somehow, she felt as if there was more than ever. But if that was a case, then it was a blessing. Work was something she knew how to do.

When she and Ka Koubun fell back into their old routine, it felt familiar in its toil. The callouses on her hands now aligned with a gardening hoe more than with any sword. She hardly had to ever ask Ka Koubon about which type of seeds needed more water than the next, or which rotation of the fertilizer to use. After all these years, she was truly growing into the identity of Gyoku the farmer and away from that of Kougyoku the princess. As much as she had tried to distance herself from her past, it was still a surprise to find herself hardly mourning the lost.

It also felt as if Ka Koubun had made the same revelation. For the first time in a long time, Kougyoku found herself understanding him more and more. Instead of the selfless caretaker who groomed her into royalty or the traitor who cared only for her power, she saw the man who lived both truths at the same time.

She didn't know what caused the change. She hardly felt any better than she was before, always a slip away from falling. Still summer always seemed to take place in its own time and place. It was what motivated her to go and suggest they spend one cool night drinking and chatting together.

"Can you tell me about your lover?" She only asked the question once her tongue had been properly loosened.

"…excuse me?" He looked at her as if she had grown a second head, but all things considered that was a welcomed reaction. Kougyoku had feared even broaching the subject would cause him to clam up completely. The fact he hadn't run to his room was good news in comparison.

"You said you had one–a traveler or something–back during one of our earlier years in Xiaoshi." Heat rushed to her face. As divorced as they were from their previous lives, this was still quite an improper discussion topic.

"…I didn't intend to reveal that, if I am being honest, Gyoku," He shifted his cup around in his hands nervously. "Considering the details I let slip, you surely must understand my hesitance."

"I had an illegitimate child with the dark Magi that was in love with my insurgent cousin. I'm hardly a child who needs to have her ears covered when the grown-ups talk."

Ka Koubun said nothing for a long time, just stared out at the darkness, gazing at something she couldn't see. "True, there's only one child here, and she's fast asleep. Sometimes I forget you're only ten years younger than me."

Kougyoku did the mental math in her head. 27 and 37. The more she looked at the two of them, the more the age shown on them.

"His name was Guang. Had a silver tongue and a deft hand, like most musicians. I was sixteen and stupid. He was only a bit older yet somehow even more an idiot. It went as well as you could expect. What do you hope to learn by such forgotten things?"

"Don't know…" Kougyoku drained her cup of its last few drops before refilling it to the top. "Just wanted to feel more like an equal you know? You got only the dirty details of my romantic exploits, yet I know nothing."

"Well sometimes knowledge isn't exactly a privilege. I would have gladly chosen to remain ignorant concerning that topic if given the choice." There was an ironic lithe to his words. As eager as she was to guard her heart from another onslaught of criticism, this time it felt playful instead of cruel.

"I'd make the same decision." Kougyoku allowed herself to laugh before draining her cup once more. "Ugh, what's the worst is losing the nightly outlet. Couldn't have been much better for you though." Even without the wine's influence, she tried not to regret her innuendo after having already crossed this far.

"Eh you make do. They tried to punish me for my sin, but then who was allowed to become an imperial princess' attendant?" The lithe was back, but more bitter this time.

"It really wasn't fair…" She found herself struggling to enjoy the bawdiness when reminded of the real consequences he had faced. "…some nights I feel so restless I can't stand it."

"Oh sure, I was a ravenous thing in my teens, but like I said you make do. The desires fade naturally with age." Ka Koubun looked her in the eye for the first time since starting this conversation. "It's ok if things take more time with you. We all grow at our own rate."

It surprised her how much such a simple fact meant to her. Just the act of speaking it aloud calmed something inside of her.

As fall came, left, and winter stood posed to do the same, Kougyoku hung onto those words.

Even if she grew slower than most should, hopefully it didn't mean she wouldn't eventually get where she wanted to be.


Although he wore more warmer clothes this time around, he still hated the snow. For all the years, Xiaoshi had hardly changed from the shithole it had been when he first arrived.

This time around, there was no banshee screaming her head off, but when he drew nearer to the farm, he could hear something else. Figuring he was already make enough of a scene by returning at all, he let himself into the back.

There was the eunuch, acting like a fool playing all in the snow. The no-nonsense pain the ass he knew would never act that way, but maybe he had just cracked. A part of him was tempted to stay hidden until he came up with a clever remark to greet him with, but the next sight brought his thoughts to a crashing halt.

In theory, he had knew she would be around, but it was one thing to see her after all this time. With her dark hair tied back in a braid and the ferocity she tackled the eunuch, there was no way she wasn't his. Even so, he couldn't help but stare and stare. He tried to force his body to move and do something, but he might as well had tried to stop the sun from rising.

Red eyes met his, and for the first time in years, he felt fear. Before he could regain some sense, the girl tugged on the eunuch, and suddenly he was looking at him as if he had any reason to be scared.

"…Judal?" Ka Koubun regarded him as if he was some spirit or ghost.

Judal had tried to prepare himself for this moment, but now that it was actually occurring, he realized he wouldn't have been ready if he had waited a million years. With a burst of bravado, he tried to capture the man he used to be when he lived here.

"Yep, it's me. What did I miss?"


A.N. This chapter comes at an appropriate time in my life, when I'm learning lots about growth myself, it's very exciting to get this far after so many years, thank you for your patience and I hope we make it to the end before too long