Usagi: Hi everyone! Did you miss me?
Sam and Max: WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG!
Sam: I really miss answering the phone.
Max: I miss blowing random planets to oblivion.
Riku: bad news guys…the death star is still broken.
Max: who said anything about death stars? Can't your not-quite-ordinary shadow do the job?
Usagi: er…right…sorry about the long wait people. But eh…here it is, finally, chapter 3:
Chapter 3
Ansem the Weird
Roxas had no idea what his friends were doing, he had randomly decided to crash land at Radiant Garden, cause Xemnas kept telling him to do so (saying "please please please please please" into his ear until he finally turned the gummi ship around just to shut him up).
Of course…the crashing part wasn't something he planned on doing.
"This is all your fault" he said to the ghost.
"It's not my fault you refused to take "Driving-whilst-an-annoying-ghost-is-nagging-in-your-ear-class" back at the World that Never Was" Xemnas said.
"I could never really imagine I would ever need such a class…" Roxas said.
"Never forget our motto, "Be Prepeared". That means be prepared for absolutely everything, like fighting the empire with an army made out of moogles, getting transported into a strange parallel universe were all males are gay and all females utterly bitchy, or your worst enemy suddenly turning out to be your father or something".
"Aw come on, how often does THAT happen?"
"More often than you know…."
"Well luckily for me, Sora and I are the same age, Riku is one year older but he still can't become a father so early so that's out of the question."
"But still, you'll need to find Ansem the Weird".
"Where am I going to fi…" Roxas started but suddenly he noticed Xemnas was gone. "He's always here if someone needs to play cards or just saying random stuff but where is he when I actually need some HELP?!"
He turned around to go back to the gummi ship, when he saw a guy standing next to it, eating his ice cream.
"Hey! That's mine!" Roxas said.
"How do you get so big by eating such food? Yuck!" the stranger said and threw Roxas' sea salt ice cream into the mud.
Roxas stared at the man who was far taller than he was like he had just blown up Kingdom Hearts or something, as the stranger pulled out another identical ice cream from his pocket and started eating that instead.
"So…are you lost or something?" the stranger asked.
"Er…Actually
I was just looking for a guy named Ansem the Weird" Roxas said. "Do
you know him?"
The stranger nearly choked on his ice cream.
"No…but I do know Ansem the WISE" he said. "Very smart man?
Good looking? Pretty hair? Extremely popular among the girls?"
"I don't know, never met him, a ghost just told me to come here" Roxas said.
"Ah. I get it. That happens all the time" said the stranger. "But fine, I'll take you to Ansem the Handsome Wise Casanova. Follow me, and let's pretend the ground is lava."
The stranger started jumping on stones, bikes and random pedestrians as he disappeared into the streets.
Roxas only gazed after him, but followed, walking normally.
After a while they finally got to the stranger's house, by that time the stranger had ran out of things to stand on and fell to the ground, when Roxas arrived he was twirling around on the ground screaming words like "I'M MELTING!", "HEEEEELP" and "MY PRECIOUS!" (last one directed at a random plastic ring that had fallen out of his picket).
Roxas only sighed, and pulled him into his house.
Inside, the weird stranger immediately started cooking. Roxas didn't know what he was making and he had a feeling he didn't want to know (just as well…since it was only dirt)
"Listen, I'm not really hungry, can't you take me to Ansem soon?" Roxas asked.
"Ah, no worries about that. Soon you will be with him" the stranger said and walked into the living room, looking like he had thrown half of the dish on his clothes and the rest on the floor, seeing as the plates he arrived with were empty.
"Why can't you just tell me where he is so I can go there myself?" Roxas asked.
The stranger sighed, and said into thin air "I can't help that guy, he's too childish."
"Was I any different when I was younger?" Xemnas' ghost asked.
"He's too old!" the stranger said.
"…I was older"
"And see how bad that turned out!"
"Hey! I
wasn't that bad! Just confused."
"Wait a minute…you're
Ansem the Weird?" Roxas asked.
"Ansem the WISE!" Ansem said.
"I told you to stop using that nickname" he warned the ghost.
"Make me!" Xemnas' ghost sighed.
"I'll tell your mom!" Ansem said.
Roxas looked to both of them and wondered exactly WHO was the childish one in this room.
"So…was there any reason for me to come here at all?" he asked.
"Why yes, you need to train in the ways of the force, otherwise you will never be able to defeat the good empire" Ansem said.
"Don't you mean the evil empire?" Roxas asked.
"Good. Bad. Depends who you ask" Ansem said shrugging.
"Well we'll see about that shall we…what if I asked Sora himself" Roxas said and pulled out a cell phone.
He dialled a number and waited….and waited….and waited….
"Hello" someone finally said.
"Riku?
Why the heck are you using Sora's phone?" Roxas asked.
"Oh,
he's too busy wrestling a crazy rabbity thing and a dog. Did you
need anything or did you just want to tell me what planet you are on
so I can blow it to smithereens?" Riku said.
"Actually I just wanted to know do you consider yourself an evil empire or a good one?" Roxas asked.
"I will only answer that if you tell me what planet you are on" Riku said.
"…Sure…I'm on…Twilight Town"
"Oh…I can't blow that one up, my friends are there".
"Bummer...then what about my question?"
"Fine, the answer is: no. Good bye" Riku said and hung up.
Roxas just gazed at the phone. "What was that supposed to mean?" he asked.
"That's obvious! They're a STUPID empire! Now are you going to come train with me so you can defeat the Stupid Empire now?" Ansem asked.
"Sigh…fine. What do I have to do?" Roxas said.
"Well first of you need to go back and pull your space ship out of the quicksand you parked it in" Ansem said and pointed out of the window, where they could see Roxas' gummi ship…or one wing sticking out of the quicksand.
"HOLY CRAP!" Roxas yelled and ran out.
"Wait…he didn't park the ship over there" Xemnas said.
"No, I did. He was annoying" Ansem said.
After hours of pulling the gummi ship out of the hole (using a rope, he's not Yoda or anything) Roxas looked too exhausted to do any training.
"So, how say we begin that training now? Eyh kid?" Ansem asked enthusiastically.
"If I had a heart, I would hate you so much" Roxas said.
--
Meanwhile, Axel, Demyx, Namine and Tron were hiding inside an asteroid.
"They fell for it! Got it memorized?" Axel said proudly.
"God…I told them they were sending the wrong guy" Demyx said as he leaned over the edge of the gummi ship and threw up.
"How's the hyperdrive going Tron?" Axel asked, punching the ship's PC.
"Not good" Tron's voice said from the speaker. "I don't know where your ship learned to communicate, I've tried everything from kupo to chochobo-language and I don't get anything!"
"Have you considered trying a binary code?" Namine asked.
The speakers gazed at her…or would have they had eyes...which in fact they did since Axel had put stickers on it for one reason or another.
"Well what do you know…it worked. We need some spare parts" Tron said.
"Great! And I know just the place to get it! TO CASTLE OBLIVION!" Axel said.
"Castle Oblivion is blasted to pieces" Namine reminded him.
"Oh right…then TO CLOUD CITY!" Axel said.
"What? Who in their right mind names their city that?" Demyx asked.
"No one in their right mind my watery friend. The city was originally built by Final Fantasy-fangirls who got thrown out of other worlds for being extremely obnoxious" Axel said. "They named it Cloud City since they're all hopelessly in love with Cloud Strife…of course he won't set a foot there…I happen to have a friend living there at the moment who runs a souvenir shop there, he sells Cloud-figurines".
"One would think the fangirls had them all already" Namine said.
"Yeah, but most of them prefer to have at least 20 copies of the same doll, just in case. Let's get moving" Axel said and turned on the engine.
Usagi: I want to live in that town.
Zakura: the heck?
Usagi: yeah…it happens to be the only world/planet/city in this fanfic that kept its original name…but for completely different reasons XD
Cloud: it's highly disturbing…
Usagi: so who could Axel's mystery "friend" be? Find out in the next chapter! …or read it on my profile, it's not that big of a secret XD Just don't ask me how the characters got those parts…many are quite random.
