Sebastian walked out of the shop, a jolt of energy rushing through his veins like fire. He was laughing, almost hysterically.
Ciel glanced at him, eyebrows furrowed, trying to hold in laughter. "What was so funny about that, Sebastian?"
"Those...things they sold! People really use those? People really stick those things into themselves?" Sebastian's face was bright red with a mixture of pure joy and embarrassment. "It's just so strange." He paused. "Interesting, but strange..." He trailed off, suddenly becoming aware of himself. "Can we go back home now, Ciel?" The red flushed from his face and quickly went back to his normal, pallid self. "It's cold out here."
"It's only seven, are you sure you want to go back?" Ciel looked at him for an answer, trying to figure out what was going on in the poor man's head.
"I'm suddenly tired, Ciel." He turned away from the younger man, casting his gaze towards the ground, studying his own reflection in a puddle. He wasn't really tired, in fact he was more awake than he had been in a long time. Walking around the adult store with Ciel, wanting so badly to just grab the man and kiss him. The shop had put thoughts into his head, thoughts he would much rather repress. Thoughts that he had always repressed. Ciel doesn't like you in that way, Sebastian. Get over it now, before you hurt yourself. "But I've already hurt myself, haven't I?"
"What was that?"
"Nothing," Sebastian mumbled. I want to get hurt if it means being with you, his mind said.
The two walked in silence the rest of the way back to Sebastian's flat, Ciel's face contorted, apparently in deep thought, and Sebastian every so often glancing at the other man's face, searching for anything, any sign of affection greater than friendship. He didn't find anything. He wasn't even so sure he could.
He turned the key in, listened for the click that signaled the door was unlocked, and led Ciel in. After Ciel had crossed the threshold, Sebastian shut the door, then opened it, and then closed it again. He repeated the action three times. Then he unlocked and relocked it four times, all the while silently cursing himself for being the way he was. Ciel must think I'm a freak...well...he is right. Then he cursed himself again for thinking like that.
"Do you want to stay again tonight?" Sebastian crossed his fingers, praying that Ciel would. But he knew in his heart that it wouldn't be. Ciel would go running back to Alois, it was inevitable.
"I'm sorry, Sebastian. I've got a lot to do tomorrow and-"
"It's fine, Ciel. Thank you for hanging out with me today. I had fun." His last sentence wavered a bit, his voice becoming shaky. Please don't go. Please, I'm begging you, Ciel Phantomhive.,don't let me drown. "I had a lot of fun."
"Wait, Sebastian. I'm still here. I'm not leaving yet, not if you don't want me to." Ciel smiled at him, softly.
I want you to stay forever. "Can you sit with me?" Sebastian smiled back at him.
Ciel nodded. "Of course."
Sebastian sat down on the sofa, in the same spot where Ciel had spent the night. He laid back, resting his body against the couch. Ciel sat down a few feet away, hands sprawled out, one less than a foot away from Sebastian's thigh.
Suddenly, Ciel reached out, taking Sebastian's injured hand. "Does it hurt?" He asked.
Not since you're holding it. The burning feeling from earlier returned, full force. "I haven't really noticed it."
Ciel dropped the hand almost as abruptly as he had picked it up. He cleared his throat. "I'm going to go home now. Is that alright, Sebastian?"
No. "Oh, okay, yeah. Thanks again, Ciel. I really did have fun. It was nice, having someone to talk to..." He trailed off, not knowing what to say next. "Do you wa-want to come to th-the shop, maybe on Monday?" He wasn't sure why he was stuttering again. He had thought he had shaken that off after he had gotten accustomed to interacting with Ciel. "I mean, you don't have to, not if you don't want to-"
"I'll see you Monday, Sebastian." Ciel smiled, dazzling white teeth flashing. "Sleep well, okay? And take care of that hand." Ciel stood up, slowly walking towards the door, perhaps trying to come up with one last thing to say. Apparently, he didn't come up with anything.
Sebastian watched him leave, wanting so badly to stop him, to grab him, and hold him in his arms. Don't let me drown in my own depression. "Bye, Ciel. You sleep well too." He waved at Ciel once and then sighed, deeply. A heavy feeling in his stomach was pressing him. He shut the door, once, twice, finally, he slammed it at number eight, becoming almost unbearably frustrated.
He did what he did best for the rest of the night. He cleaned the flat until there was nothing left that could possibly be cleaned; his mind couldn't even make anything up.
Sebastian stared at his hand, it would be healed in a few days. The skin was pink and ugly, but it would be fine. It would heal, while his heart wouldn't. His depression hadn't been this bad in months. In fact, it had become an extension of himself, a constant reminder of his destroyed life. He had stopped really feeling it, until now. Looking at Ciel made his heart break. Ciel was his friend; nothing more. And as much as Sebastian wanted to think that that would be enough, he knew it wasn't.
He stumbled into the bathroom, with the limp of a drunk man. He dove into the medicine cabinet, reaching for the little bottle that held his depression pills. He shoved two into his mouth, and sunk to the floor, leaning against the sink, beginning to sob almost uncontrollably.
Like often, Sebastian didn't really know what he was crying about. Life in general, he supposed. It was something he just couldn't help. Another one of his many troubles.
"Was I ever happy?" He said aloud, voice echoing through the silent room. Let's see. I never knew my parents. I never had a permanent family. I never had friends. I've always been shy, and as far as I know, I've always had social anxiety. When did I first realize I was depressed? I lost my career, but that's not it. That's not what made me like this. When did I get OCD? Is it something that I just picked up? No. No. What happened, Sebastian? Why can't you remember? What made you like this? How can you not know?! He nearly screamed. He had forgotten, somewhere along the way, he had forgotten. No, he had repressed it. He was repressing whatever event triggered his suffering. "It must have been horrible," he whispered.
Sebastian closed his eyes, deciding that it was better that way, better to not remember. Maybe he could heal himself if he didn't remember. He relaxed slightly, as the pills began to do their work. They never made the pain go away completely. That was impossible; but they helped. They were almost like the effect of a drug, bringing him temporary relief. He fell asleep on the bathroom floor, two hours before he usually went to sleep.
He dreamed of Ciel, he dreamed that they were together. He dreamed that he was normal.
And then his dream turned into a nightmare. He was a teenager, riding in the backseat of a car, two adults in front of him, arguing. He vaguely recognized them. They were yelling at each other, and then they were yelling at Sebastian. He didn't understand what they were saying. He was looking ahead, blankly.
The car stopped, the man in the driver's seat jumped out and slid into the seat next to Sebastian. The woman took over control of the vehicle, pressing the gas pedal, going far above the speed limit. Sebastian became aware that something was wrong. The man was staring at him, an almost hungry look in his eyes. Sebastian shivered. The man put an arm around him, and moved in closer. His mouth was suddenly on Sebastian's, a cold, ugly embrace.
The woman in the front was laughing madly; she let go of the wheel, turning to watch the scene behind her.
Sebastian screamed. The man pressed him down on the seat, slapping his face. "Don't make a sound, boy."
Both the woman and the man laughed together.
And then it happened. One second the man was on top of Sebastian, kissing his throat and neck, the next, the man was on the ground, blood dripping from his mouth.
Sebastian jolted awake, banging his head against the sink. The image of the man drenched in blood was still fresh in his mind. He tried to forget, quickly replacing the image with one of Ciel. Was that my past? Is that the event that destroyed me? He didn't want to know. The scene had been disgusting. "It didn't really happen, did it?"
Sebastian jumped up, heart racing. He stumbled into the living room, glancing at the clock. 11:59. He had slept for over three hours on the bathroom tile. He sighed, walking slowly into his room, collapsing on the bed, for once not bothering to undress. Save me, Ciel. He fell asleep again, telling his mind over and over again to not see the mad man and woman. Not to feel the cold hands and lips groping him. Not to see and smell the scarlet blood and the wrecked car...
He woke up again, drenched in sweat. The clock on the nightstand read, 1:37 A.M. What is going on, Sebastian? Why are you getting worse? He lifted the sheets off, laying on the bed, practically begging his mind to stop. Let me be. Please just let me be.
Sebastian stood up, pacing the bedroom. He opened the blinds, gazing out the window. There was a couple down on the street. He smiled, almost wistfully. There were two men, holding hands and dancing down the street. One had bright red hair, the other had raven black hair almost like Ciel. They're together. They don't belong to anybody else but each other.
The man with red hair smiled, Sebastian rolled the window up, leaning his head slightly out the window.
"Come on Will! I know this great restaurant, it's open 24 hours!"
"What is it, Grell? A McDonald's?"
"Oh William, please. I'm much too classy for that shit. Now come on, it's a surprise!"
The man named Grell pulled Will away, they disappeared in the darkness.
Sebastian smiled again. I wonder if I could ever be like that with Ciel. He closed the window, shut the blinds, and rolled back into bed. Depression not eating him up quite so much. He was able to sleep again, dreaming only of Ciel, the nightmare staying far away.
A/N: Will is Professor Spears in case you didn't know.
