[December 1997]
The next couple of months, Alex tried to spend a little more quietly, trying to get his life under control. His hand had healed quite nicely and at the start of wrestling season, Alex' coach was more than satisfied with Alex' progresses. He was going to get that wrestling scholarship, no matter what. That's what Alex had decided. He may not be able to afford good clothes and go out and have a burger every day after school like all his friends did, he may have put all his sparse money out to have Amber go to camp in the summer, pay the bills around the house and whatnot and he may have to work his ass off but he was going to get a college education, that was for sure. School was going okay as well, he had never had any serious problems, even Ms. Morgan had to admit that once he had switched to high school. The key to Alex' success had always been the well-being of his family. And the fact of if or if not he was actually attending classes. But since he was now and had been for the good part of high school, everything was fine. More than that, he tried to focus on heaving his younger siblings through their respective grades. Both always having showed learning difficulties, especially since what happened during the last couple of years, he had had his hands full with trying to supervise their homework and trying to enlighten them about basic science and math, sometimes economy or other stuff. When he wasn't studying, wrestling or babysitting his siblings at the group home, he would go out with his friends, and more often than not, he would go pick up a girl and find a place to hide with her for a couple of hours. A lot of times, Alex felt bad afterwards… but he needed release somehow and this definitely gave him some. Also, it provided him with some time to relax and shut up his brain and just… let go. Even though none of those girls had ever achieved busying themselves with him long enough for him to get to talk much, talk about stuff that desperately needed a vent.
Alex' walls around himself grew taller and thicker by the day, and there was nothing and nobody that could keep them from doing so. He felt like he did have his anger issues under control for the time being, barely getting into fights anymore, channeling his anger on the fields. When he wasn't wrestling, he was running or back at the gym he would box. Sometimes he asked himself if all those things actually made his aggressions simmer down a bit or if they'd just turn to escalate at some point, thinking about the extreme amounts of rage he sometimes produced while letting off steam.
After their encounter on the meadow in the dark a couple of months ago, Alex had diligently started to ignore Jo. He had tried, he really had but that first morning after their hug when she looked at him with those big green eyes of hers... he just... he couldn't. It was too much. So, he had started averting his eyes, and soon he had started ignoring her full on. She just... Alex couldn't help but feel... constricted... by her freakishly accurate readings of his body language and mind. At school it was easy and unsuspicious since they were three grades apart, joined different cliques – it was easy. Except for when they both had their trainings. Adam was still very obsessed with the idea of Jo and he had been nagging Alex to introduce them which Alex had refused at various times. So, Adam had started hanging around the places where Jo would appear sooner or later throughout the day but she would always without fail turn him down, very politely though. The few times Alex hadn't been thinking and had actually been lingering with Adam, realizing way too late what they were doing, Jo would give him a burning glare, which he usually evaded immediately. He could read her face easily, as well, he just didn't want to. It made his guts churn. He knew for a fact that she was mad because he was ignoring her and even though she was the much younger one, he behaved a lot more childish. Alex knew that, but he couldn't help himself. He hadn't been able to forget what she had managed to do with him after their first meeting back at the group home and he was scared beyond belief what she was going to do with that information even though he knew all she was going to do was keep it to herself. He knew she'd never tell anyone else. But sometimes he was even more scared that she would confront him with it again. Because he just couldn't get over the fact that he had broken in her arms. And at some point he thought he could read off disappointment, probably for having thought that she had been gaining a friend that was now very much not the case.
Funnily, Jo would without a miss seat herself with the Karev kids every night to have dinner together. Amber had immediately taken to Jo's sincere and honest character, not having any of it when Jo told her she'd be sitting somewhere else the day after what had happened. Amber wouldn't let her. And Aaron had always been close with her. So, she had been sitting with them every night, Jo and Alex sitting shoulder to shoulder on the bench opposite of his younger siblings, sipping their soups quietly, munching on their meals pretty much without appetite. Alex had initially been angry about Jo sitting with them, silently accusing her of not being capable of just saying no towards a ten year old. After some time, though, he had realized and also secretly, he felt a bit bad about it later, that the members of his family seemed to be Jo's only real friends at their home. So, he had started accepting her at their table, not ever talking anything much, except for if Amber or Aaron asked them something directly. It was childish, yes, but it was even harder to look her in the eye and say something. Amber hadn't noticed anything, she was way too young, Aaron though knew both his brother and Jo. He knew something was up, the only thing he didn't know was what. Alex knew though, that Aaron would never dare ask him, always having been way too respectful towards his big brother and his private life. So, they sat in silence every night, listening to the youngsters ramble on most of the time, but still, hearing and learning a lot about the other's life through the conversations at hand.
It was one of those nights, when they were all sipping on their corn chowder and Amber was telling a story about a girl at school making them all laugh merrily, when Ms. Stipler, the night carer, came over to their table and handed Jo a letter. Jo looked up at her in surprise and when Alex risked a glance over at her face, he could definitely make out fear and felt how her shoulder and her whole demeanor tensed.
"What is it?" Jo asked the carer straightforwardly, finding it silly that she should read a letter to hear about something when the messenger was standing right there.
"It's a letter from your last foster family," Ms. Stipler told her, looking at her sympathetically.
"They said, they'd call," Jo told her matter-of-factly, not blinking her eyes, Alex hearing by the pitch of her voice that the wall-building had already begun. The Karevs all busied themselves with sipping their soup quietly, trying to give Jo some space. They all knew what the letter would say and they all knew how much the content would hurt her.
"I'm sorry, Josephine," the woman told her, turning around and walking away again. Jo stared down at the letter in her hands, having forgotten about eating.
"Aren't you gonna open it, Jo?" Amber asked her innocently, making Jo smile at her but Alex could see it was a fake.
"Amber," Aaron tried to discipline her soothingly, stopping her from prying.
"It's okay," Jo said, still smiling, scrunching up her forehead. "It's been two months, it's not like I was still hoping for them to call me back," she chuckled. Her voice kept steady, but Alex being the one on her side of the table could make out how her hands were shaking. "So, I'm gonna open it right now," she cheered with big eyes, looking at Amber with a big smile who returned it gladly. Alex watched her rip the envelope open messily for her fingers were trembling badly, and get out the letter, starting to read. Alex risked another glance towards her face and noticed her chin and crease on her forehead tremble. It was weird how they had achieved it, however, by now Alex knew Jo so well, all of her little creases on her face and what they meant, all of her quirks and how she pulled up her shoulders or which movement her legs were doing, he knew she would never ever dream of succumbing to crying in front of them and all the other foster kids having gathered in the dining room. But she was fighting against those tears and almost lost it, still trying to keep up a small smile frantically, mostly for Amber he thought, and he was grateful for that. Alex was hurting for her. He hated seeing her like that. He hated having people tell her again and again, nope, we're not gonna love you, either. Because that was basically what they were doing. Alex sighed, looking over towards his siblings who were talking to each other to bridge the silence a bit. Oh, what the hell. She needs you. And you know it.
Alex put down his spoon and dropped his hand in his lap before plucking up the courage and putting it on top of Jo's sweaty, cold, trembling hand that was resting on top of her own thigh, immediately encasing it wholly, squeezing it. Alex didn't expect her to react to him, yet after the initial second of utter surprise, she squeezed his fingers back so tightly, he thought she might break them again. They sat like that for a while, Jo staring down at her previous foster family's words, gulping down the tears that he knew were gathering up inside her, him streaking his thumb across the back of her hand soothingly all the while. After everyone had finished their dinners except for Jo and Alex, Jo finally dropped the hand that was holding out the letter into her lap and sighed, looking up. Aaron and Amber smiled at her shyly.
"Are you gonna be okay?" Aaron asked her timidly. Jo smiled at him, nodding with closed eyes.
"You still have us, right?" Amber spoke up in her girlish voice, glancing over everyone at the table, stopping at Jo's face, awaiting her reaction. Jo opened her eyes and chuckled mildly.
"Yeah, I have you guys," she repeated, showing a much more cheerful smile now towards the kids on the opposite side of the table. She took a deep breath and turned her hand that Alex had been squeezing around to face upwards, and looked down towards them, waiting for Alex to intertwine their fingers. Alex looked down as well, feeling how his insides still hurt for Jo's rejection letter but now he could feel a new pain, a stab to his guts that he couldn't quite define. Oh, come on, she needs you right now, nobody will ever know, right? And it doesn't mean you'll have to give something away you don't want to. It really doesn't. You're just comforting your friend. It took a moment but Alex found himself matching his hand with hers, and he could feel how her head slowly rose to look at him. It wasn't a look he knew from her. She usually was strong-headed and confident about anything and everything. He looked up as well and for the first time in ages it seemed, they matched eyes again. Alex sighed quietly, for he had actually missed those eyes but at the very same time he noticed how he immediately felt like she was intruding. He watched as she bit her lips and a crease formed on her forehead, probably trying to make out if what Amber had just said was true for all of them, Alex included.
"Are you planning on finishing dinner or can we take it away?" Aaron asked them, having observed their moment closely, trying to make out what the hell was going on between them. None of them had realized they were holding hands yet but their lingering gaze caught Aaron's eye.
"No, I'm not hungry anymore, thanks, Aaron," Jo yanked her head around and smiled at her class mate.
"Alex?" he asked him pointedly. He shook his head.
"No, go ahead," he told him, sighing. Amber had already carried her plate away and had gotten a wet cloth to clean the table, both of them watching her. When she was done, she came skipping around towards them, Alex immediately breaking their touch. Jo looked over at him, rolling her eyes but turned towards Amber a moment later, her having hugged the older girl from behind.
"I would miss you so much if I weren't able to see you anymore," Amber told her in a whisper, making Jo coo and share a good-natured smile with Alex.
"You know, little dwarf, it'd actually not be that bad of a thing if one of us wouldn't live here anymore," he pointed out to his little sister, rumpling her hair. She turned around to frown at him.
"That would be so stupid. I love sleeping in a room with Jo and all the other girls. And who would I do my homework with? And we wouldn't be able to go down to the stream anymore," Amber listed on her fingers, making them laugh and enjoy her good mood, Alex secretly grateful for Amber's gift of seeing only the good things within a situation and be completely content with those.
"I'm not sure, though, if Jo likes to sleep with all you annoying little kids, I bet she'd enjoy her own room," Alex told her matter-of-factly, making his sister look at him pretty madly. Jo chuckled silently.
"Jo loves sharing a room with me, right?" the ten year old turned back to Jo and awaited an answer.
"Of course, Amber, Alex is just being a jerk as usual," Jo told her, petting her hair softly before flitting her eyes towards Alex, rolling her eyes, making him chuckle.
"See," she stuck out her tongue towards Alex who hiked his eyebrows and laughed, "We're best friends. And we don't like boys, just so you know," his little sister announced royally. They all got up and walked over towards the common rooms, Amber immediately walking over to play with the girls her age while Aaron sat down to work on his assignments and Alex lounged besides him, reading a sports' magazine. When Jo strolled by them, trying to get one of the rare spare seats, Aaron looked up at her.
"Hey Jo," he called after her, making her turn around questioningly. "Have you finished Geometry yet?" Jo nodded at him.
"Need any help?" she asked him with a smile. Aaron sighed and nodded seeming pretty stressed out about it. "Sure, what do you need help with?" she bent down to look at what the problem was and studied the papers. Alex silently watched them discuss the problem and Jo instructing him what to do.
"How can anyone get that without tutoring?" Aaron looked up at Jo in wonder. She smiled.
"Well, I'm just smart like that," she replied smugly, mockingly. Alex couldn't help but snort. Jo turned over slowly only to find Alex' head blocked by his magazine. She snatched it out of his hand and hit him on the head with it playfully, glaring at him.
"Do you have any objections about that?"
"She's always been one of the smartest in our year," Aaron nodded, apparently in thought. Jo pointed her thumb at Aaron's statement, giving Alex big eyes and a smile.
"You hear the guy," she said. "I'm pretty awesome," she added, making Alex laugh and snatch his magazine back. "You know, if you concerned yourself a little more with studying instead of your sacred, primitive sport, you'd be able to help Aaron with his homework, also," Jo taunted him a little more now, enjoying their banter after such a long time of silent treatment. Alex stared at her unbelievingly.
"Did you just call me primitive?"
"No, you gotta listen to me, I said that sport you were doing was primitive," she corrected him. Alex' eyes bulged.
"How dare you?" Alex countered in fake indignation. "And, may I point out to you that dubbing the sport primitive, simultaneously makes me the very same," he said. She smiled.
"Well, good point," Jo gave him. Both laughed before Alex turned round towards Aaron.
"But Aaron, seriously, I could have helped you with that, you know that," Alex said. They both watched as Aaron's cheeks flushed crimson red, making them both raise their eyebrows. "What?" Alex inquired.
"I know you can. You know more stuff than anyone I know," Aaron whispered in embarrassment.
"But?" Alex questioned further, not knowing what was going on.
"You sometimes get so angry with me when I need a little longer," he said within a quiet breath, averting his eyes. Alex sighed, feeling how the lump rose again in his throat.
"I'm sorry, buddy," he told him immediately, realizing as so often that he just had to control his temper better. He guessed he hadn't even been bad towards Aaron but his brother was so sensitive and everything one articulated towards him that didn't end in a sweetie he conceived as criticism or being told off. Or at least that's how Alex saw it. He had marveled so many times while growing up how two kids from one and the same family with the same history and experiences could turn out so differently. Alex had such a high threshold for how cruelly some people interacted and treated each other, he really thought to himself, he was a lot different and to be frank, a halfway decent guy. But apparently the rest of the world looked at it much differently. Maybe that's why everybody was scared he was gonna turn out like his dad.
"No, it's okay, Alex," Aaron mumbled into his Geometry book. Jo stood in between them, looking like she wanted to vanish for interrupting an important brother bonding moment.
"You just have to tell me, you know that," Alex tried to make him see. "If I'm being a jerk. Most of the times I don't even realize it," he explained tentatively, and momentarily, he couldn't figure out if he was saying it for his brother exclusively or if he was trying to explain himself in general. He could feel Jo's eyes on him but he wouldn't let himself get distracted. "Hey Aaron, look at me for a second," he tried to match eyes with his brother. It was weird how he usually was so closed off everything and everyone but he didn't actually mind Jo listening in to their conversation. When Aaron looked up at him, Alex sighed, closing his eyes. "Aaron, I don't want you to be scared of me, do you hear me?" he said. "I know sometimes I get really angry and sometimes I yell and I'm hurtful… but it's not because I don't love you, alright? And I'm not gonna turn out like…," Alex started, hesitating, seeing Aaron's wide eyes at what he was going to say.
"I know that," Aaron told him immediately. "I wasn't suggesting that," he said. Alex nodded.
"It's okay, buddy. I know. Sometimes I scare myself even with how similar we are…," Alex said. Aaron shook his head.
"But you're not," he stressed again, already having forgotten about his homework. Alex' glance flitted over towards Jo who was standing there awkwardly, biting her lower lip.
"But you're still mad at me for what I did with mom, aren't you?" he approached a subject that he knew was unresolved between them. Aaron stared at him silently for a while. Alex exhaled noisily.
"I don't wanna talk about that," Aaron said after a while, looking over at Jo. Alex nodded.
"Alright," he said, getting up. "I'm gonna go get some fresh air and when I come back we can look over your homework, alright?" Aaron nodded at him gratefully before sinking his head back into his mathematical problems. Alex passed by Jo who was still standing there like she was all dressed up with nowhere to go, zipped up his hoodie and walked out in the cold. It was a week until Christmas and the snow had stuck to the ground for a good two weeks now, making the scenery look peaceful in the dark. He rounded the house before walking straight towards the fence and letting himself out to the fields, immediately lighting a cigarette, breathing in deeply. What was he going to do about Aaron? What was he gonna do about both his siblings once he went off to college? Alex had let himself think about that problem only a couple of times since he had filled out college applications. It was painful and complicated to think about. He didn't wanna think about it. He didn't wanna have to think about that. He couldn't just leave his siblings here, going off to have fun and start his life. What about them? He had made a point in trying to talk to Ms. Morgan to look into having a family foster both of them once he was gone but she had been rather harsh and told him off for trying to tell her how to do her job. Alex sighed again. Stupid, freaking, crappy, complicated.
He turned when he heard steps behind him and sighed for he was sure he already knew who it was. Alex had stopped at the water that had frozen up for the most part, Jo standing besides him, hugging herself to prevent the cold from creeping underneath her coat. They stood in silence for a bit before he turned to look at her with glaring but somewhat softening eyes, the longer he looked at her.
"What?" he barked at her. "Do you need a hug?" he shot out after a moment of hesitation, not sure if making fun of what had been their friendship's downfall was appropriate. She chuckled humorlessly, jabbing him.
"I'd rather have you talk to me than have you hug me and then risk the silent treatment for the next couple of months again," she stated soberly. Alex nodded, feeling stupid. After a moment, Jo spoke up once more. "I really only came after you because I wanted to clarify that just because I wasn't on top of my game today doesn't mean you have to feel sorry for me and talk to me again if you think that's something you still wanna pursue," Jo told him matter-of-factly. Alex matched eyes with her slowly, both their faces a mask before he looked away, took one last drag of his cigarette before putting it out in the snow. When he pocketed his hands, he tried to shape some words, even though he had no idea what he wanted to say.
"What happened?" Alex asked her after a while.
"What do you mean?" Jo frowned at him.
"While we were gone… what happened in those three and a half years?" he looked straight into the woods, trying to give her some space. He could hear her even breathing and her almost screaming thoughts. Frantically trying to find out what she wanted to give away.
"I was here for another year or so," she started her story after a bit. "And then I met this family. They had two kids themselves and they were actually looking for a younger one. But when they came back to visit with the kids, I befriended their daughter, she's my age. We grew really close. One day, they were back and I was just really excited to see her, when Ms. Morgan called me to her office and the girl and her parents and her younger brother were all sitting in as well and beaming at me. The girl had been nagging her parents to adopt me. Or at least foster me. And they said they'd try. So, we did. We did try. I moved to their house and I had my own room and everything was perfect. I actually thought that was where my future would take place. I changed middle schools and I was there for more than two years. They had just asked me if I was interested in finalizing adoption papers when the dad got diagnosed with lung cancer. They were a stable family, they were. Decent income, you know, everything good. But with fighting the cancer, everything changed. He got worse rapidly, had to stop working, was hospitalized. The bills were unmanageable. The mom had to work, and care for him, and care for us. She completely spiraled down the drain. They had to treat her for depression. We stayed with the grandparents for a while. It looked like the dad was bettering himself a bit, everything looked a little more… positive. But then one day, out of the blue, they sat me down and told me that they didn't want me to experience all that crap with them because they promised me a future, a good future, a happy life. I told them again and again that having a family, and they really felt like a family to me, that that was worth so much more than if they could afford a private high school or college for me which I didn't even want from them. I just wanted to stay. But they wouldn't let me. So I transferred straight to another family. I was completely… well, off. All the things that had bettered for me during those years, everything crashed down on me. I acted out again and the family told me they couldn't take me in like that. I yelled at them, telling them I didn't want them, I wanted my old family back. So, they brought me here, to… give me a break. Give themselves a break. They never picked me up again," Jo finished her story. They stayed quiet for a bit.
"So, the letter was from the second family telling you the break was infinite?" Alex tried to clear up his confusions.
"Pretty much, yeah," she said.
"But then, you didn't even wanna stay with them, right?" Alex frowned at her, not understanding all the fuss and emotions that had happened over dinner. Jo rolled her eyes at him and slapped his shoulder lightly.
"You are such a douche, you know that?" she told him in irritation. Alex shrugged his shoulders at her and gave her a confused look.
"What? I'm trying to understand here," he defended himself.
"I realized that I had chased away yet another family that might have given me a chance," Jo explained madly. Alex nodded.
"Well, but the other family had wanted you, right? I mean that counts for something, right?" Alex told her, wide-eyed. Jo smiled at his thinking.
"Yeah, that counted for something," she chuckled.
"And, anyways, if a family has to give you a chance, or whatever you called it… they're not worth it. You know… they're always like we need to earn having a family. That's crap. Every kid should have a family, no matter what. Screw moods, screw yelling, screw aggression – every kid needs a family. You shouldn't have to fight that hard for it," Alex got himself going, feeling the agitation again.
"Yeah, I know," Jo looked at him, completely understanding where that was coming from. They stood wordless for several more minutes.
"Well, for what it's worth, I'm sorry," he told her, gesturing with his hand awkwardly. He matched their eyes cautiously, succumbing to staring at each other before they could make out a frantic running and sliding towards them and loud panting. "What the-," Alex spat out before Aaron bumped into him forcefully, Jo yelling out in surprise, trying to get him off Alex.
"Aaron, what's going on?" she talked to him frantically, tugging at his short sleeved shirt and looking him over. He was only wearing slippers. Alex held him at arm's length, his guts sinking, terror setting within him, observing Aaron's wide eyes.
"Aaron, talk to me, what the hell's going on?" Alex repeated Jo's words.
"It's Amber," he whispered all of a sudden. "She fainted and her breathing stopped. When I left, they had just called the ambulance," Aaron's voice almost broke but Alex had already started running as fast as he could. He fought all the way up towards the fence against the slippery snow, feeling how his muscles burned for his speed and the slight incline. He didn't care though, all he was seeing in front of his eyes, were pictures of needles, teddy bears, his dad and a young, fragile girl that he wasn't sure would actually survive until he got there.
