Season Seven
Episode One: Meet the New Boss
Guard: Hey!
Dean: Excuse me, have you got a double-headed, black latex dildo? *hits guard on the head*
Sam: A doubled-head, black latex dildo? Seriously?
Dean: Yeah, well, I was gonna ask for Grey Poupon, but that sounded too cliché.
Episode Two: Hello Cruel World
Dean: You wanna do couples yoga, or you wanna get back to hunting the big bad.
Bobby: …
Dean: Bobby?
Bobby: I'm thinkin' about it.
Episode 3: The Girl Next Door
Dean: And Sam?
Sam: Yeah?
Dean: Pie.
Sam: Right, of course
Dean: …and lube! Cherry flavored, none of that strawberry crap!
Episode 4: Defending Your Life
Sam: Wait, so I have to convince Dean he's not guilty of… anything?
Osiris: Afraid so.
Sam: Okay, just… this could take a while. So, Dean remember our first kiss?
Dean: You were like fourteen. Never should have touched you.
Sam: And how much alcohol did I shove down your throat?
Dean: Yeah, but…
Sam: How about the first time we kissed sober, you remember that?
Dean: Right after our eighth grade dance, I can't believe I…
Sam: Who kissed who?
Dean: Well, okay, you sucker punched me, threw me against a wall and violated my mouth with your tongue, so, strictly speaking, you might not even be able to call it a kiss.
Sam: Right, first hand job.
*3 hours later*
Sam: Okay, now, Jim's goat.
Osiris: Oh, fine, I give up, he can go.
Episode 5: Shut Up, Dr. Phil
Sam: Yeah. Okay.
Dean: No, don't yeah, okay, like "Yeah. Okay."
Sam: *walking to shower* Yeah. Okay.
Dean: *annoyed* Hey, mind if I join you in there?
Sam: …Yeah. Okay.
Episode 6: Slash Fiction
DoppleSam: You know, I had a brother with this many issues once.
DoppleDean: Yeah?
DoopleSam: Know what I did? I ate him.
Dopple: Of course you did.
DoppleSam: I sure as hell didn't have sex with him. God, if I have to sit through another dream of you riding my ass, I'm gonna need more than one bank vault full of average Joes to make myself feel clean again.
DoppleDean: You think that's bad? He talks a big game, but short and mopey here dreams about taking you on dates. I had one the other day that involved flowers and candles on a cliff face overlooking Vegas. It's like a damn romance novel in here.
Episode 7: The Mentalists
Museum Guide: I'm sorry, I don't normally do this during business hours. But do you know an Eleanor or an Ellen? She seems quite concerned about you. She wants to tell you, pardon me, if you don't tell someone how bad it really is she'll kick your ass from beyond. You have to trust someone again eventually. Oh, and just between me and you, anytime I get in a fight with my 'brother' I find that forgiveness usually lies in the back of my throat. A good blowjob makes everything better. Just something to think about.
Episode 8: Season Seven, Time for a Wedding
Sam: Dean, what are you doing? I'm with Becky now!
Dean: No, you're not.
Sam: Yes, I am. Dean, let me go! I love her!
Dean: No, because we're gonna go back to our room and I'm going to fuck the gay back into you.
*several hours later*
Dean: *panting* Better?
Sam: Oh, yeah, much better. Thank god, that could have… man, that could have gotten way out of hand.
Episode 9: How to Win Friends and Influence Monsters
Sam: Okay, so whatever turned Gary Browder into a pumpkin head… and is currently turning Dean into an idiot…
Dean: I'm right here. Right here.
Bobby: Is in the Terducken double slammer at Biggerson's. It's in the meat.
Dean: If I wasn't so chilled out right now, I would puke.
*nodding all around*
Dean: Although, do you think maybe we could… I don't know, use it as lube?
Sam: That's disgusting, Dean!
Dean: What?! Bobby's the asshole said we couldn't afford luxury items. It's your ass, Sammy, I'm just trying to be helpful.
Episode 10: Death's Door
*This episode's funnies are canceled out of respect for Bobby Singer.*
Sam: Does this mean we can splurge on lube now?
Dean: Respect, dude, she said they were canceled.
Episode 11: Adventures in Babysitting
Dean: Revenge crap. All right, now shut up. Eat a cookie, or something. And stay out of the glove box.
Krissy: Too late. I got bored while you were in the gas n' guzzle.
Dean: That was private!
Krissy: What? Your latest issue of O, or those pictures of your brother?
Dean: …
Krissy: I'm guessing it's the O, Mr. 'Awesome.' And I'm keeping the pictures of Sam. You don't even want to know what my dad'll do to you if you try to reach where I put them. *puts on headphones*
Dean: God, I hate kids.
Episode 12: Time After Time
Sam: I can't believe I'm about to say this, but I hope you're watching cartoon smut because reading Dick Roman crap over and over again is just… self punishment.
Dean: No, what you do to yourself in the shower, that's self punishment. I mean, who the hell cries after masturbating?
Sam: Dude, that was once, right after Jess died. It's been seven years, you think maybe you could let it go?
Dean: You gonna let go of the one time you caught me wanking to Sailor Moon back in highschool?
Sam: Fair enough.
Episode 13: The Slice Girls
Dean: Of course not, Sam. What do you think, I'm brain dead? Accidents happen. If one even did, which I… I… I don't even think. No, you know what? Stop, we're not gonna talk about this anymore, because my skin's starting to crawl.
Sam: Alright, fine, but if it's true, if it happened…
Dean: I know. Hang on to my hands and feet.
Sam: Well, sure, that too, but… it also means I can call you daddy during sex.
Dean: Don't you dare.
Sam: No, seriously, like legitimately and not just to piss you off. So, tell me, Daddy, have I been a good boy or have I been really, really bad.
Episode 14: Plucky Pennywhistle's Magical Menagerie
Dean: This isn't about your clown thing, is it?
Sam: What?! No.
Dean: Sammy?
Sam: No.
Dean: What in the world did they do to you?
Sam: …
Dean: Sam, did a clown do something… inappropriate?
Sam: Dean…
Dean: Come on, Sammy, show me on the doll where the bad clown touched you.
Episode 15: Repo Man
Lucifer: That's what I'm talking about, Sam, real interaction again. I miss that. The rapier wit. The wittier rape. I'll be good. I'll even help you solve your little Nancy Drew mystery or whatever. Give you a handie on those cold, lonely nights. Scrub those hard to reach places in the shower. Heck, I'll show you how to do things to Dean that'll make him call out my name. Come on, Sam.
Episode 16: Out With the Old
Dean: Hey, got the porn. Just in time, too.
Sam: What was he doing?
Dean: Uh, like you said, you don't want to know. Let's just say there was a little more than a fist involved.
Episode 17: The Born-Again Identity
*in the mental ward*
Sam: I'm just saying…
Dean: What? That you don't want my help?
Sam: No, I'm saying… Lucifer is making bunny ears behind you.
Dean: Really?
Sam: Now he's… he's uh, he's humping you… from behind… yeah, okay. Actually, you know what, don't stand there with your mouth open, he's… never mind, just, you need to go.
Episode 18: Party on Garth
Dean: You have a CEO of the doochiest microbrew in the US gagged in your hottube? You really think that's gonna end well?
Garth: That all depends on how I play my cards. Am I right, boys?
Dean/Sam: …
Episode 19: Of Grave Importance?
Dean: That's a lot of foxholes. Hey, when, uh, we catch up with her, you want to give her the Winchester special?
Sam: I didn't have a soul at the time, Dean. …and, yeah, okay.
-and-
Sam: I mean, do you think we could… I dunno, make it all work, somehow?
Dean: I have no idea. Maybe? I've never heard of it. But you know what I do know? Tonight, we are going to set this flask on the bed side table and I'm gonna do every dirty, nasty, downright romantic thing Bobby ever said he didn't want to see.
Sam: You don't mean…
Dean: That's right. I'm breaking out the Snuggly Bunny.
Bobby: Balls.
Episode 20: Girl with the Dungeons and Dragons Tattoo
Dean: She's kind of like the little sister I never wanted.
Sam: Huh. Too bad she's a lesbian.
Dean: Hey, just because we… no, never mind. You're right. Too bad.
Episode 21: Reading is Fundamental
Kevin: This is all too much. What's happened to my life?! I'm just a kid from Michigan, I didn't want to be a word keeper!
Dean: Looks like we're brown baggin'
Kevin: I'm not prepared to factor the Supernatural into my world…
Dean: Okay, here we go. That's it, that's it. Just breathe. Take it easy. If you want, I could get Sam. To be honest, I may have the pretty lips, but he can give a blow job that'll make you see God. There is no end to that throat.
Kevin: *stares*
Dean: See? And now you can breathe again. Always get 'em with the element of surprise. Uh, man, what can I say? You've been chosen.
Episode 22: There Will Be Blood
Dean: What's Sucrocorp?
Sam: They make food additives. Namely, high fructose corn syrup. Well, that crap is in… well, it's in just about everything – soda, sauces, bread…
Dean: Don't say pie.
Sam: Definitely pie.
Dean: What about that cherry flavored lube we use all the time?
Sam: Well… okay, I'm not sure about that, but… um, maybe?
Dean: Bastards.
Episode 23: Survival of the Fittest
Castiel: If we attack Dick and fail, then you and Sam die heroically, correct?
Dean: I don't know, I guess.
Castiel: And at best, I die trying to fix my own stupid mistake or I don't die and get brought back again. I see now it's a punishment resurrection, it gets worse every time.
Dean: I'm sorry, but this sounds a lot like my End of the World Orgy speech. The one you shot down like two years ago.
Castiel: It is. Obviously, adjustments were made to fit the specific situation we now find ourselves in. Is it working?
Dean: Are you gonna fight Dick with us?
Castiel: I was considering it.
Dean: Heh, let's go find Sam.
Castiel: Do you mind if Meg joins us? I've come to enjoy her company.
Dean: It's not an orgy unless we have at least four, so as long as I don't have to dip my stick in the demon pool, why the hell not.
Castiel: You have my word.
