A/N: Just so you know--Della has a conversation with Matthew in Japanese. I translate it at the end of the chapter, don't worry. Other then that, I'll just rant about some normal stuff—like the electric flute. For all of those doubters out there, it DOES actually exist! HUZZAH! Oh, one more thing—I've heard that you can't respond to reviews anymore. Is that true? I hope it's not, because I find that rather fun…please, someone tell me if you know for sure.
CHAPTER SEVEN—The Almighty Electric Flute
"Okay," said Nino hesitantly. "Um…Wil…you go four squares up and fight the bandit…no, wait! Wil, stop! That's too close!"
Too late. Wil followed the new tactician's orders and got himself chopped in the head with a bandit's axe. The archer fell to the ground.
"NO!" Nino shrieked. "Erk, go heal him!"
"I can't use staves yet!" Erk snapped. He had only been brought back to consciousness an hour ago by Pricilla. The pounding headache he had made him wish she had left him knocked out.
"But Erk, you have to! Wil is hurt!"
"What part of mages can not use staves do you not understand?"
"Didn't I get Serra to teach you how to heal people?"
"She didn't teach me anything—she chased me around with a knife! I almost died!"
"Well, that's not my fault…"
"Yes it is! You're the tactician now, everything is your fault!"
"How can Della ever be BORED?" Nino moaned, rubbing her temples. "This is HARD!"
"Look," Raven said impatiently, coming up beside her. "It's very very simple. Lances best swords. Swords best axes. Axes best lances. And ARCHERS DO NOT BEST BANDITS IN CLOSE-RANGE COMBAT!"
"Great, NOW you tell me," Nino retorted, rolling her eyes. "How was I supposed to know?"
"It's your JOB!" Raven exploded. Lucius pinned the mercenary's arms behind his back before he could beat Nino to a pulp.
Erk winced at the sound of the ruckus, trying to repress the urge to strangle Nino as soon as he was done strangling the Pegasus sisters for giving him such a headache.
Suddenly Hawkeye flounced across the battlefield, singing "Tra la la la laaa!" He was the image of preppiness—his blonde hair was in a really high ponytail, he had a healing staff in one hand and a flute in the other, and he was wearing a bright pink tutu.
"SEE NO EVIL!" Lucius screamed, diving to the ground and covering his eyes.
"I know!" Raven cried, horrified. "Look at that tutu!"
"Not the tutu, however creepy it is!" exclaimed Lucius. "Just look at Hawkeye's HAIR! It's so long and blonde! That's just not right!"
Raven closed his eyes and counted to ten.
Hawkeye skipped to Wil with a hearty "Tra la laaa!" He healed Wil, then frolicked away. Everyone just stood there, paralyzed with surprise. A really buff berserker in a tutu will do that to you.
Suddenly Serra ran by, a knife in each hand, screaming "GIVE ME BACK MY STAFF, YOU &$(&&!"
"…What was that?" asked Nino weakly.
"I believe it was Swedish profanity," Erk answered, clutching his head.
"HEAR NO EVIL!" Lucius howled from the ground, his hands over his ears.
"Nino!" Raven yelled, "Now look what you've done! While you were distracted, the enemy advanced!"
"Wait…what enemy?" asked Nino. Raven smacked her upside the head.
An axefighter now towered over Lucius, who was still on the ground.
"So much madness!" the monk was saying. "Why won't anybody just end the madness?"
The axeman chuckled. "Tough luck, girlie."
Lucius looked up at the bandit, his eyes burning with cold rage.
"…What did you call me…?"
Before the bandit could reply, Lucius lept to his feet, screaming "I AM NOT A GIRL!" and blasted the bandit to smithereens.
"Woah," Raven whispered, awed. "Nice job, Lucius. You've got guts."
Lucius wasn't listening. He was kneeling by a charred crater in the ground, murmuring "…and I'll pray for your soul, and for your family, and for your friends…"
Raven scowled. "Typical. You actually do something cool, and then you have to ruin it by being lame."
"Speak no evil," Lucius chastised.
Jaffar was busy having fun by blowing stuff up with his new mage powers.
Matthew was busy running around, trying not to become part of Jaffar's "fun".
Legault was busy sobbing. Jaffar had blown up his drum set.
"Pull yourself together!" Matthew yelled to his fellow thief as he dodged a thunderbolt that blackened the stone floor.
"Why?" Legault was wailing. "WHY? My drum set was so young…so innocent…it didn't deserve to go!" Legault threw himself to the ground, still sobbing. "I don't want to LIVE!"
Matthew was about to slap Legault, but decided to dodge a column of flame instead. Jaffar turned his attention to the windows, blowing out every pane one by one with little static bolts.
"I didn't even get to play it at a concert!" Legault bawled.
"Perhaps it's for the best," said Matthew, putting his hand on Legault's shoulder. Suddenly Matthew jumped.
"What's this! An idea! Am I sure I am sane? I have an idea planted deep in my brain!"
"What are you now, the British gangsta cat in the hat?" Legault asked bitterly.
"Legault my dear friend, a concert, that's right! We haven't had a concert…let's have one tonight!"
"Tonight?" Legault asked, forgetting Matthew's new annoying rhyming habit. "Are we ready?"
"Of course we are!" Matthew dropped the rhymes. "Except for when Jaffar left to go kill Serra and when Farina tried to kill us and when we hired Wil to carry our stuff and when Serra broke the door and when Jaffar became a mage and started blowing up everything in sight, I'd say practice has gone very well."
"You're right! Let's have our concert tonight, then!"
"Yes. We just need to get your drum set reincarnated, first."
"My drum set!" Legault burst into tears again. Matthew dodged a mini-tornado, then went to find a re-incarnator. And a snack.
"Woah!" said Matthew. Della was in the kitchen. "I didn't know anyone else came here!"
Della put her hands on her hips. "What, I'm not allowed to eat now? Watashi wa furuto wa asobu desu, but that doesn't mean I can't EAT!"
Matthew looked at her blankly. "Watashi wa WHAT?"
Della looked at him blankly. "You mean you don't understand Japanese? That's impossible! You were created in Japan, you spoke Japanese before you spoke English!"
"Oh yeah! That's right!" Matthew pumped his fist in the air. "In that case…watashi wa cokoreto tabemasu!"
"Watashi wa Shakusupiru o gasuki desu!"
"Watashi no keki o tabewa gasuki des!"
"Watashi wa Raven kun o kerai desu!"
"Hey, me too!" Matthew gave Della a high five.
"So," Della asked, "How's the band going? Do you have a name for it yet?"
Matthew's eyes went wide. "No! We don't!"
Della jumped up and down. "Call it The Matthew's Band! No, wait—you guys can be the DAVE Matthew's Band! YEAH! BE THAT, BE THAT! BE THE DAVE MATTHEW'S BAND!"
Matthew nodded, totally not understanding why Della liked that name so much. "I like the sound of that…but…who's Dave?"
"Hubert's second cousin," Della replied promptly.
"…who is Hubert…?"
He didn't get an answer. Della was skipping away, singing the Fraggle song.
"So…much…Jim Henson!" Matthew moaned, slamming his head against the refrigerator door. "What's next? Walt Disney?"
Della's voice carried over to him. "Who's the leader of the club that's made for you and me? M-I-C! K-E-Y! M-O-U-S-E!"
Matthew continued slamming his head on the refrigerator. Then he remembered to get a snack. And then promptly forgot to eat it due to brain cell damage. Tsk tsk tsk, you silly thief.
"GAH!" Sain yelled. "WHERE IS MY HORSE?"
"Don't look at me," Kent responded. "I have no idea."
"Don't be all grumpy with me just because you're jealous."
"What are you talking about?"
"Isadora likes me, and you know it."
"Oh yes," Kent said dryly. "She knocked you flat and then almost chopped your head off with her sword before I intervened. Of course she likes you, Sain."
Sain glared at his partner. "Just help me find my horse, okay?"
"Look Sain, we're not going to find it. You need to get back on duty, and I need to find out what's going on with all this job switching."
"What's the point of going on duty without my horse? What, do you just expect me to run down the bandits in my armor and everything?"
Kent paused. "……Yeah, pretty much." He jumped on his horse and galloped away, leaving Sain alone.
"Great," the green knight muttered darkly. "It's all your fault, Karel."
Matthew wasn't happy. He hadn't been able to find a reincarnator OR a new drum set. So he decided to steal Nil's flute instead. He slipped into the room, stole Nil's flute—behind the boy's back, no less…mad skill!—and was out before you could say "HolycrapNilsMatthewjuststoleyourflute!"
Matthew was just racing back to Legault, when he tripped over a cord attached to an amp. Matthew looked at the flute. Matthew looked at the amp. Matthew looked at the spatula stuck to the ceiling (how the heck did that get up there?). And then Matthew got a brilliant idea.
"If I attach the clip at the end of this cord to the flute and plug it into the amp, that will make…AN ELECTRIC FLUTE! THAT IS SO WICKED TIGHT!" Matthew grabbed all the stuff and raced back to the practice room.
"Flutes suck," said Heath.
Della bristled. "HOW DARE YOU! Flutes are the coolest instruments ever!"
"They're lame."
"Are not!"
"Are too."
"Are not!"
"Are too."
And this went on for a while, until the part of Della that was paying attention in biology told her that she needed some evidence to back her theory.
"Flutes are SO awesome," she said. "Because they're all shiny!"
"So? All they do is go high and squeaky."
"But there's an alto flute! And a bass flute! Have you ever seen one of those? It's ultra-cool!"
"Sounds stupid to me. A cool instrument is…I don't know…an electric guitar, say."
"There's an electric flute, though!"
Heath snorted. "Yeah, right."
"There is! I swear!"
Suddenly Matthew ran by, carrying all the stuff.
"HUZZAH!" Della yelled. "And they said it couldn't be done! This deserves another cookie—where did Eliwood go? C'mon, Hubert, let's go find him."
She flew away, leaving Heath to marvel at the wonderfulness that is the flute. Because flutes ARE the best. Yes, they totally are. You're wrong—they're the BEST! THE BEST, I say! I'm not listening to you, lalalalalaaaaaaa!
"AXES!" Farina yelled happily. "YAAAY!"
"Um…sister…I don't…I can't…!"
"Don't be a baby, Florina," snapped Fiora, handing Florina a huge double-bladed, serrated edge battle axe.
Florina promptly dropped it. "It's heavy!" she complained.
"So?" asked Farina, hefting her axe—which was as big as she was—over her shoulder. "Would you rather go on a killing rampage or chicken out and give the axe back to Dart?"
"You stole from Dart AND Hawkeye?" Florina shrieked, appalled with such behavior.
Farina shrugged. "Yeah. Bartre's axe went to me, Hawkeye's axe went to Fiora, Dart's axe went to you, and Dorcas…"
Farina and Fiora looked at each other and screamed, "DORCAS!"
"We haven't knocked him out yet!" cried Fiora.
"Let's do it now!" Farina yelled back. "C'mon Florina, pick up that axe and let's go knock out some guys!"
"Sisters!" Florina's voice was unusually firm. Too bad her chin quivered and ruined the effect. "Sisters, why are you doing this? Why are you beating up all of the men?"
Farina twitched. "We…were supposed to be beating up everyone," she said in a forced voice, "…but…we thought of you…and…" the Pegasus rider twitched again.
Fiora slapped her. "You're ruining everything! Snap into it! We have to get Dorcas!" The two hopped onto their Pegasi and flew away.
Florina stood there, very confused. Snap into it? What was that supposed to mean? And what on Elibe gave them the idea that they were supposed to beat everyone up?
"Hey, Florina!" said Matthew cheerfully as he walked by with the electric flute stuff. "Our concert's tonight, spread the word to everyone, okay?"
"EEK!" cried Florina, running away to go hide behind Lyn.
A/N: Okay, what Della and Matthew are saying: Matthew walks into the kitchen and is surprised that Della is there. Della says "What, I can't eat? I play the flute, but that doesn't mean I can't eat!" (The flute players I know—except for me—are all blonde and anorexic.) So then when the two start shooting back and forth in Japanese, they're really just saying: "I eat chocolate!" "I love Shakespeare!" "I like to eat cake!" and then finally Della says "I don't like Raven!" and Matthew says "Hey, me too!" There, I hope that wasn't too confusing!
Woohoo! On another note, I couldn't resist putting the Dave Matthews band in there. Hopefully I can fit the concert into the next chapter or two. (Sorry this took so long to post, I had a lot to do. The next chapter will probably take a while to write too, although hopefully not as much of a while as this one did!)
