They said I should go back to the way things were. The sooner I did, the easier it would be for me to get over the trauma. What did they even know about my trauma? I didn't object though, and the next day I had a practice with Dimitri. At the end of it, he said something that really surprised me.
"I don't get why you did it," He said, as we were both sitting down after a long, exhausting practice fight.
"Did what?" I asked, as I gulped water as if I'd been in the dessert for a week.
"Help Tom. He kidnapped you, he should be in jail."
"He also saved me," I said defiantly. I knew he'd object to my helping Tom, and I was ready for that argument.
"What? What are you talking about?" he asked. That, I did not expect. I was sure that he knew.
"Didn't Alberta tell you? I asked her to tell all the guardians that needed to know." I assumed Dimitri would be one of them.
"She only told a handful of people, only those working on the case. She did offer to tell me, but I said I wanted to hear it from you."
He didn't know. All this time, ever since that call from Raymond, he didn't know. When I thought about what I'd do when I'd be back, the first thing I wanted to do was tell him. When that proved too hard, I talked to Alberta and assumed she'd let him know.
I told him everything, and didn't exclude any details. He listened, perfectly silent, until I was finished. When I talked to Alberta, I kept sticking to the details, logistics and motives, and kept it as matter-of-fact as I possibly could. I tried to avoid any emotion whatsoever. With Dimitri, the focus was on me, and how I felt. I told him everything that happened to me, from my point of view, not the one needed to conduct an investigation. I was in tears at the end, not knowing exactly when they started streaming down my cheeks.
I also noticed that I'd been holding his hand, so hard that when I let go it took a few seconds for the blood to return. I wiped my tears away on my sleeves and looked down. My fear from his reaction returned. Would he think I'm weak? Would he think I risked Lissa's life by being stupid and naive, and that this was all my fault? I knew he cared about me but what I did was still questionable, and he was still Lissa's true guardian. He used his hands to pull his hair away, looked up and closed his eyes.
"Thank god," he said quietly. Was he really talking to god right now? I gave him a few seconds to process everything. Then he put his arm around me and pulled me close to him, wiping away with his other hand all the tears that I missed. Then he cupped my cheek in his hand, and I let my head rest on his chest, wrapping my arms around him, thankful for his warmth and his gentle touch. We sat there like that for a few minutes, before he broke the silence.
"I'm sorry that this happened to you. You have no idea how much," He said, and I cut him off before he could continue. I tilted my head up to look him in the eyes. I needed him to believe what I was saying.
"It's not your fault." Before he could argue I continued, this time holding his face firmly, making him look at me and not look away. "It's not your fault," I repeated, this time more slowly and meaningfully. "It's Raymond's fault. Him and the moroi. You didn't do anything wrong and you did everything you could to help me. It's not your fault."
He looked at me lovingly. "Thanks for saying that, but I'll never forgive myself for that. Everything the happened was because of me." Technically, it was also because of Lissa, but it didn't seem right to mention it. It was also very off the point. Of course, it was my fault more than anyone else's.
"Everything happened because bad things happen," I said. "You wouldn't be mad at a moroi if you got hurt protecting them, right?"
"It's hardly the same" He said. "They kidnapped you because of me. He almost..." His voice trailed off, but he didn't need to finish for me to understand what he meant.
"But he didn't. And I'm okay. I'm here and I'm safe." I couldn't let him feel guilty over this. It was not his fault, and I wasn't going to let him think that it was. Not that there was much I could do about it. And I had to admit, If our roles had been reversed, I'd also feel guilty. I tried to think about what other people could say that would comfort me in that situation and couldn't think of anything. So instead I held him, this time comforting him instead of letting him comfort me.
"I'm begging you not to let this destroy you," I said. "I know how guilt affects you. Don't let him win. Don't let him break you like he wanted." I wished that would be enough.
"He won," he said, burying his face in my chest, as I brushed my fingers through his hair and kissed the top of his head. "He won."
I tiled his head up and he looked at me. "I'm still here aren't I? He hasn't won yet, and we won't let him."
We stayed like that until we absolutely had to part, and he walked me back to class. My emotions were all over the place, my mind racing with thoughts about what had just happened. I had to find a way to help Dimitri, but I couldn't. This is what he must've felt all this time, only much, much worse. In the next recess, I wanted to clear my head so I went to the yard, where I met Tom. He was a welcome surprise and I walked over to him.
"Ready for tonight?" He asked, and answering my puzzled look he added, "For our practice."
I chuckled and we kept walking.
"It's you who should be ready," I said, "out last fight was merely a fluke."
"of course it was," he said sarcastically. We laughed and kept walking in silence. It wasn't the kind of awkward silent that needed to be filled. It was a calm silence, one that was light and fun. Tom was the one who broke it.
"I need to ask you something," he said and stopped walking.
"What is it?"
He seemed to have lost his ability to speak. He kept opening his mouth to say something and then regretting it. He looked at me, trying to find the words, but he couldn't. Then, giving up on the question itself, he kissed me. It was passionate and powerful, like something he'd been waiting to do for the longest time. He held my cheek with one hand while the other went around my back. His kiss was full of affection and caring. It took me a few seconds to realize what was going on, and when I did I quickly pulled away. I opened my mouth to explain but he cut me off. He must've seen this coming.
"Too soon?" He asked. "Are you not ready for that yet?" He took it for granted that I wanted it. And why wouldn't he? After my vague answer in the car, he had no reason to think otherwise. He hadn't realized that I loved Dimitri, and I wondered if I should tell him. It would break his heart, but it was the truth, and he deserved to hear it. But I couldn't bring myself to tell him. He was so fragile and unstable. He went from his cheery, smiling, fun side to his dark, hurt, and dangerous side in seconds. I've seen it happen. Not that I was afraid, we were surrounded by people. I just didn't want to hurt him and spoil his happiness. I knew I was being weak, but right then I couldn't do any better.
He took my silence as agreement and added: "It's alright. I'll wait for you, as long as it takes." His words were like knives in my heart. I felt so guilty it physically hurt.
All I managed to say was "Don't." How was I supposed to tell him that all that time I'd been lying to him, let alone in love with someone else? He looked at me, slightly confused, trying to understand what I meant. Lissa's blessed arrival saved me from having to explain. She and Christian approached, and by the look on her face I saw that she did not approve of me hanging out with Tom. Her yelling at me approved my suspicions.
"What the hell are you doing with him?!" She asked, half accusing and half demanding an explanation. "Don't you remember what he did to you?!" That was a stupid question. How could I forget?
"It wasn't his fault," I said. "They forced him." I felt an urgent need to protect him. Even though Lissa wasn't attempting to hurt him, I knew that being accused of hurting me did more than any physical pain would. I wanted to protect him from that.
"yeah, yeah," She said dismissively, "I know that's what you told Alberta. But he was here, all he had to do was talk to her or you or anyone else and they would've kept both of you safe."
That was true, theoretically, but in reality many things could go wrong if he did it.
"It's not that simple," he said, only to be faced with her wrath, now directed at him and not me.
"You don't get to talk," she said. "You'd be in jail now if I had anything to do with it." The fierceness with which she protected me warmed my heart, but it was directed at Tom and I didn't like that one bit. And neither did he, judging by what he said next.
"Shut up, princess," he said. No respect for her title reflected in his tone. "This whole mess started because of you, you're hardly one to talk."
Rage flashed in Christians eyes, but it was nothing compared to mine. I looked at him, my eyes conveying more fury and anger than they ever did. When I told Lissa my version of the story, I twisted reality just a little bit. I told her they questioned me about her, because she had to be aware that someone was after her, but I made it seem as though it was just their by-the-way questions, and the real and dominant reason I was there was Dimitri. I did that by saying they only asked about her in small talks in between tortures, like they asked about my mom (which was a complete lie) and about Victor (which was a half-truth, since they only asked about him in relations to her). I couldn't let her feel guilty about this. With spirit lurking in her mind, I didn't know how that would affect her, and my aura was black enough as it is.
She turned to me, and her voice turned soft and almost afraid. "What is he talking about?" She asked.
Just like with him, I couldn't bring myself to tell her the truth. "He's trying to assuage his own guilt. Don't listen to him." One glance towards him told me that he understood what I was trying to do, but didn't want any part of that, so he simply walked away. Lissa, however, was smart enough to realize something was going on.
"Don't lie to me, Rose," she said, half asking half commanding. "What was he talking about?"
There was no way out of it, I had to tell her the truth. "Raymond worked with the nameless moroi that came here in the attack. The reason they kidnapped me was for information about you, and that's why they tortured me. Raymond was only the reason they took me at first and not just went after you."
Her face turned dark, but not with guilt, like I would've guessed. She was furious. "You lied to me?!" She yelled, and I knew that this was spirit talking. Without any consideration of my own aura, I pulled the darkness away from her, and she seemed to calm down. Christian, who was holding her firmly, sensing that she wasn't herself, slowly let go and looked at her worryingly.
"Are you okay?" He asked.
"Yeah," She said and turned to me. "I'm sorry I yelled like that Rose, I don't know what I was thinking." She was lost in thought, both about what I told her and about her overreaction to everything. I started walking with her and Christian back to class but he shot me a look that said I should leave them alone. Maybe he was right. Maybe I needed to let him comfort her, and stay away for now. I walked back to class, alone, with no less to think about than before I went out to clear my head. There was no chance in hell that I could listen in class, but attendance was mandatory, so I went.
