Chapter 7: Why Does It Have To Be So Hard?
There I am standing by a bar on the S.S. Tipton, wondering why I'm here in the first place. I don't recall anyone telling me there would be a party today. But apparently there is, and everyone seems to be having a good time. But I can't remember the occasion for this party. Is it somebody's birthday? Is a major holiday coming up?
As I look around at the other guests, I don't recognize any of them. This is a bit depressing to be honest. I can't see Cody anywhere, or even Zack.
My guess is that Cody probably has gone to the bathroom, while his older brother is off trying to pick up girls. No doubt by using the cheesiest pick-up lines you can think of.
Or Zack could be DJing this dance. I remember Cody once told me his brother used to DJ quite a bit. His two favourite DJ-styles were 'Wolfman Zack' and 'Grandmaster Zack'. Now both of those moves are very innovative and should be easy to recognize, so I walk over to a guy at a turntable who is acting like a Grandmaster.
Too bad he appears to be someone else and is no help in my quest to find Cody. I'm kind of getting desperate. I came here with Cody, and with Zack, too. Yet I can't seem to locate either of them now. I'm feeling totally disoriented and alone.
After checking the bathroom without any result, I walk back to the bar to get an orange juice. Then suddenly I have an idea! Since this is a party, they probably serve smoothies here, too — which means that Zack might have gone off to work at the smoothie bar. And once I get a hold of him, it will be easy to find out where Cody is.
As I reach the smoothie bar, I realize the guy behind the smoothie bar isn't Zack either. This is getting weirder and weirder. Why can't I just find someone I know?
I decide to stay at the bar and get a smoothie. The smoothie bar seems to be a meeting place, so if I stay here, I stand a better chance of running into someone I know – preferably Cody or Zack. And maybe I can ask the guy behind the bar. Being Zack's co-worker, he might have some idea.
When I finally get my Banana Fofana, I try to ask him. But before any word leaves my mouth, I feel someone tapping my shoulder. Hoping it's Cody, I turn around quickly. No such luck. It's only Zack.
"Hey, Zack!"
"Hey, Max," Zack says as he high-fives me.
"So, what are you still doing here, dude?" he asks.
"Well, I'm…" I start, but Zack interrupts me.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah… why aren't you with Cody?"
"Cody?"
"Yeah, Cody. He's waiting for you in his cabin. I thought you guys had planned a romantic date away from the ship tonight," Zack explains.
We did? How can I not remember something like that? What is going on here? This is all so weird! I would never forget a date with Cody, especially not when I can only be here for the weekend. But apparently I did. I can't wrap my mind around it, so I'm just staring dumbfounded at Zack.
"Max? Why are you staring at me like that?"
"I… I… Sorry, Zack. I guess I'd better go see Cody now," I reply, knowing I have a stupid look on my face.
"Yeah, you should," Zack urges me, "before he thinks you've ditched him for someone like Holden."
Oh my god! I would never dream of doing such a thing. Cody is perfect! I love him with all my heart! I would never even consider cheating on him. I really need to get to my boyfriend as quickly as I can before he jumps to conclusions.
I give Zack a quick goodbye and dash over to Cody's cabin. After almost breaking a record for speed, I push open the cabin door. Who I see in there completely stuns me.
Instead of my boyfriend, I see my dad sitting at Cody's desk.
"Dad?" I exclaim in shock. "What are you doing here?"
"You don't know, son?"
"Yes, I mean no, I mean… I don't know what you mean," I try to answer.
"Don't you remember me telling you not to use magic to visit Cody?" Dad questions me with a disapproving look.
"I guess that sounds familiar," I admit. "But can't I just stay here now? I need to find Cody!"
"Are you kidding me, Max? First you disobey me, and then you think you'll get a reward for doing so? Don't even think about it, you're coming home with me, young man!"
Wow, I've never seen Dad this angry about using magic. I mean Alex and Justin do it all the time, and he never gets this mad. Mom does, but Dad never… and now he looks ready to spank me. This is all so strange. Dad would never act like this. And he would understand how I feel! After all, he fell in love with a mortal, too.
Come to think of, I don't even understand how he got here in the first place. Dad has no magical powers, he can't travel by wand. Yet he's taking out his wand and uttering the travel spell.
Right before we vanish from Cody's cabin, Cody himself walks in.
"COOOOOOODYYYYYY!" I yell, trying to reach out to him.
Needless to say, I fail. The next moment I hear someone calling me. The voice is pretty close to me and assuming it's Cody, I put my arms around him and pull him into a passionate hug.
"Damn, Max! Let go of me, will you?"
Someone pushes me and I feel myself falling over… falling out of bed, in fact. Because when I open my eyes, I'm on the floor next to my bed and Justin is standing over me looking slightly worried.
Only then do I realize this has all been a dream. That was why I couldn't remember anything at that party, why Dad was so weird and why I forgot a date with Cody. I just knew it: I would never forget anything connected with Cody.
Relieved, I get up and Justin motions to the door. "Breakfast time, Max."
"I'll be right there, bro. I just want to check my text messages first," I say, getting up. "And maybe my email, too."
"Leave your email for later, Max. Mom and Dad are waiting for us downstairs. Just check your texts, and get downstairs," Justin insists. "You know what they're like on Saturday mornings, before the breakfast rush starts."
"Don't worry, I will."
As soon as Justin leaves my room, I grab my cellphone and click immediately through to my inbox. Only to find no new text messages from Cody… again. It's been a whole week since I've heard from my Cody. But maybe he's sent me an email! I shouldn't worry before I have the chance to check my email, too. But inside my heart, fear is growing that I've lost him already.
Shoving away those thoughts, I get dressed and make my way to the kitchen where my family is waiting for me to begin their breakfast. I greet everyone, sit down and grab a sandwich.
While we're eating, my thoughts wander once again to Cody. Despite what I just told myself, I'm still uneasy about not hearing from my boyfriend for a whole week.
I still remember the day I had to leave the teen cruise. It's like it happened just yesterday, even though it's been four weeks already since the last time we were able to hold each other, to cuddle in each other's arms, to share a passionate kiss. How I miss those little gestures. Being so far away is just not the same.
The day my family and I left for New York, I got up very early. In fact, I'm pretty sure I didn't even sleep that night. It's hard trying to fall asleep when you know you're leaving your boyfriend the very next day. I remember waking up at like five or six a.m. to pack my stuff. Right after that, I went straight to Cody's cabin and woke him up so we could spend my last few hours on the ship together.
And we did. We sat there together in his room for hours, holding hands and talking, about important stuff and totally random stuff. We just avoided one particular topic: my leaving. Unfortunately for us, time ticked away much too fast, and eventually I had to leave the ship.
When time caught up with us, we walked over to my cabin to get my stuff. Still holding hands, we ran over to where my family was waiting for me. I think they understood I needed some more time than Justin and Alex did.
Cody even stayed on the dock with me till the moment my dad said it was time to go, and then we really did have to say goodbye to each other.
As soon as Dad made the announcement, we threw ourselves into each other's arms. Knowing this would be our last kiss for some time, we made it into a very passionate kiss. It seemed like the world would end right afterwards. At the time we thought we would only be apart for a week, but I soon learned from Dad that I wouldn't be allowed to use magic to transport myself to the S.S. Tipton.
Still, a week was long enough for us to hold on each other and to keep kissing like we were going for some kind of Guinness Book record. I'm not sure how long we would have kept it going if my Dad hadn't stopped us by reminding me that we had a plane to catch.
Unable to do anything else, we let go of each other and said goodbye one last time, assuring one another that we would stay in touch and that I would visit him soon. We had promised ourselves not to cry, but I failed miserably.
I just had to look back at Cody. And when I saw him standing there helplessly, his brother's arm around him, forcing himself not to cry, I couldn't hold out much longer and burst out in tears. At the time I didn't know if Cody had wept for me, too; I learned that only a week later. But I could not stand the possible sight of Cody in tears, so I turned my back to him. Only to start crying my eyes out even more.
I'm not sure what happened after that, but I think Mom grabbed me into a hug and didn't let me go until we were back in New York and I had stopped shedding tears over the sad farewell.
The next day Dad informed me that there was no way I would be allowed to use magic to go and visit Cody on the S.S. Tipton. He said it was too dangerous and against Wizard Council rules since I'm only a wizard-in-training. I tried the travel spell the first weekend anyway, but Dad was onto me before I could even finish saying it. Which led to me getting grounded, although I tried to get out of it by saying I was technically in the clear since I didn't actually use magic. But Dad didn't see it that way.
So all Cody and I could do to stay in touch was send text messages and e-mails. And boy did we text and email each other a lot those first two weeks. It felt strange, though, not being able to see him.
Luckily for us, Justin had this great idea to set up a Skype connection between my computer and Cody's laptop. For a whiz kid like my boyfriend, that was no problem of course. I, on the other hand, almost broke my computer and our Internet link. So I had to go beg my older brother to fix it for me, and then Cody and I were able to have video conversations. It goes without saying we spent hours everyday just talking via Skype.
Until this past week everything seemed to be going perfectly. Or as perfectly as a long distance relationship like this could go, that is. But since last weekend, a whole week ago now, I haven't heard anything from Cody. No Skype calls, no emails, not even a text —nothing! The last thing he told me via Skype call was that their school year was almost over and that he would visit me in New York the very next day. After that, nothing.
I know, Cody is probably too busy with schoolwork to think about me, or having too much fun on this great experience he's on. But still I can't stop myself from worrying that Cody is forgetting me, doesn't care about me, or worse, is cheating on me. When I'm really sad, I'm sure Cody actually is cheating on me.
Whenever that thought comes, I try to tell myself it can't be true. Cody is too nice and honest to so something like that behind anyone's back. At the beginning of this week, I believed myself every time, but the longer I wait for news from my boyfriend, the more afraid I become that he doesn't like me anymore.
What makes all of this even more unpleasant is how my family is reacting. They all say they knew this was going to happen. That long distance relationships never work out well. Alex even told me I should try to forget about Cody and move on. When she first said that, I got really angry at her for even suggesting it. I would never do that, or even think about it. I love Cody, with all my heart! More than anything else.
But now I'm not sure anymore if he still feels the same about me. Why else wouldn't he answer any of my calls or mails? Should I just listen to my family and move on? But I can't! I still love Cody like crazy…
I guess thinking about all this has brought me to the verge of crying again, 'cause I see Mom looking very anxiously me.
"Maxie? Is there something wrong? Why are you crying?" she asks me.
Unable to answer, I look at the barely touched sandwich on my plate.
"It's Cody, isn't it?" Alex answers Mom in my place.
I just nod.
"Still no news from him?" Mom asks, clearly sympathizing with how I feel.
Once again I can't speak and nod as my only answer.
"Oh, my poor baby!" Mom exclaims. "Did you check your email yet?"
"Not, just my cellphone but I got no text messages. I didn't have enough time to start up the computer."
"Why don't you go check now? You can finish your breakfast after that. Right, Jerry?"
"Um, yeah of course," Dad replies, a little confused.
Although I'm a bit reluctant to face another disappointment, I head up to my room and boot up my PC straight away. I find myself staring at my desktop wallpaper, not just because it's a picture of the hottest guy around, Cody, but because I don't want to open my inbox only to find nothing new.
Too bad, that is exactly what I see when I finally open my inbox. Nothing from Cody there. He isn't online, either, so we can't Skype or just talk via IM. Nothing… nothing… just nothing again…
I close down the computer again since it's no use to wait here for an email. Why would today be any different? Like he would suddenly remember me again after a week without contact? No, it's very clear to me: Cody has forgotten about me and moved on. Who knows, he might be kissing some other guy at this very moment.
No! Cody would never do that! Maybe something else is going on, something very important that demands all of his attention. There must be some logical reason why he hasn't replied to me this week.
But I just don't know anymore. One minute I think Cody is cheating on me, the next I know there has to be a reason for his silence. The only thing I know for sure is that this whole situation is hurting me, and my family, too.
When I sit down at the breakfast table again, I notice that both Mom and Dad are no longer here. They're probably already working in the sub shop downstairs. I have a shift, too, later today. Actually I begged for a long shift today. My parents were mind-boggled, but I'm just trying to focus on something other than Cody for a few hours. Even if it's just sandwiches.
By now I'm convinced of one thing. My family was right; it was crazy to think this long distance relationship would last. Obviously long distance relationships just don't work out. We should have known that. Maybe we should break up; maybe it would be for the best…
It's the not the first time I've considered this, but just thinking about breaking up with Cody makes me so sad every time. I'm about to cry again. God, I'm so pathetic right now.
"I guess no emails either, bro?" Justin questions me when he notices how sad I'm looking.
"Nothing."
"Poor Max…" Justin says. "I can't believe I'm saying this, but maybe Alex is right. Maybe you really should move on."
I can't believe I'm hearing this. Up until now, Justin has been the only one to support me when I said I wanted to keep this relationship going. He also told Alex off every time she suggested I should try to go for another guy and forget about Cody. He has caved in, too? I look up at my older brother in disbelief.
"I know… But Max, we don't want you to be this sad forever. We miss the old Max, the one who says stupid stuff and annoys us, but also the same Max who is always cheerful around the house," Justin says.
"Yeah, Max, Justin is right. You're bringing us down with your blah moods. We would really like our old little brother back," Alex adds.
"But but… I don't want to move on, I just want Cody. Nobody else."
They both sigh. Obviously this wasn't exactly what they wanted to hear from me.
"Oh come on, bro. There are other cute guys around than just Cody," Alex says.
"Yeah, of course there are. But I'm not going to click with every cute guy I know."
"Of course not, that's not what I meant. Isn't there at least some cute guy in your class you like enough?"
"Yeah, what about that boy who was here last weekend?" Justin carries on.
"You mean Jamie? Yeah, he's cute for sure," I reply casually. It's true, Jamie isn't just cute, he is drop-dead gorgeous. And a really nice guy, too. I definitely like hanging out with him.
"Yeah that's the one I meant. He's gay too, isn't he?"
I nod. Jamie is indeed gay. When I came out to my friends at school after the teen cruise, Jamie basically took me under his wing. Knowing how hard it was for me to find the right words to come out, he helped break the ice by telling me he was gay, too. Apparently Jamie had come out a long time ago. I thought it was so strange that I didn't notice him before in school. I mean, I did know who he was, but I never knew he was gay. And I never heard anyone calling him names. Needless to add, that made me very happy since it meant my school is pretty accepting when it comes to being gay. Ever since that day, Jamie and I have become pretty good friends. Plus he knows I have a boyfriend. I talk about Cody all the time.
"Oh yeah… I know who you mean, Justin." Alex jumps into the conversation again. "I think he kind of has a thing for you, Max."
"What you mean? He's just my friend, nothing more."
"He always kisses you when he gets here."
Um yeah, that's a little embarrassing actually. Jamie does kiss me every time we meet. The first time he did that, I totally backed away and might have run off if he hadn't stopped me. Jamie explained me it was perfectly normal for two gay guys to kiss on the cheek, or even on the lips. He does it all the time with his gay friends and it doesn't mean anything more than being good friends. That's exactly what he told me, and it's true, I have seen other gay friends do this.
At first I was very uncomfortable with this so-called 'gay convention'. Kissing Jamie, even while it was innocent, felt like cheating on Cody. According to Jamie, I just had to get used to those little gestures between friends. Since he always kissed me hello and good-bye, I did start to accept it. After all, just like Jamie himself said, it doesn't mean we're boyfriends; no, we're just good friends who are both gay. Although sometimes I can't help asking myself if it maybe it does mean more.
"That's nothing… we're just friends," I answer, feeling embarrassed.
"And haven't you noticed how he's staring at you all the time?" my sister keeps going.
"Um, no," I reply, not knowing where this might go, but a little curious nevertheless.
"God, you can be so stupid, Max." Alex rolls her eyes up to the ceiling. "Everyone can see the love in his eyes when he secretly stares at you. It's so obvious he wants to be more than just your friend."
Really? Jamie likes me? Likes me like that? I never thought of him that way. Well, to be completely honest, I do think he would be great boyfriend material. He's a total hottie and a nice guy after all. But I'm already with Cody, and he's perfect for me. Isn't he?
"You guys seriously think so?"
"We all know so, Max."
Despite the fact Justin and Alex are saying this to make me feel better; it's only making me more confused. I never knew Jamie liked me that way. Okay, we did kiss on the lips a few times but weren't those just platonic kisses between friends? But if my sister and brother are right, maybe Jamie did mean something more by them. Now I'm starting to feel guilty for letting Jamie kiss me like that. Cody is my boyfriend after all, and not Jamie.
Only now I'm not so sure of all that anymore. If Jamie really does have feelings for me, maybe I just should admit that I have feelings for him, too. But I don't want to feel that way about him. I have Cody, and nobody can ever replace Cody. He's my one true love, my soulmate! Or at least I thought he was.
Suddenly this revelation about Jamie feels like a huge weight. I don't want to like him, but I could probably develop feelings for him, since I now know he likes me. But it wouldn't be the same as with Cody. I would walk through a fire for Cody. He can turn my world upside down with just a simple smile on his face.
While Jamie is completely different. Jamie has become sort of a mentor to me in gay teen life. He's taught me a lot more than how friends kiss. He's also taken me to a few gay teen events here in New York, events I'd never even heard of before I came out. Jamie is my first openly gay friend, outside of my boyfriend, so that automatically makes him special. With Jamie, I'm totally comfortable being myself, which is the main reason I've been hanging out with him so much lately.
Yet between Jamie and Cody, I would always choose Cody. But I can't ignore the fact that I haven't heard a single thing from Cody for a week now. How can I be sure that we even have a relationship left to work on?
All these ramblings and my siblings' assumptions about Jamie are pushing me to reconsider Jamie as a possible boyfriend. Normally thoughts like this would make me cry, but this time they don't. This time I actually feel comfortable with the thought of dating someone else. Cody's face doesn't even float through my head now, just images of a future for Jamie and me.
So Alex and Justin are in fact right. I shouldn't be pining for Cody. I should let just Cody go, move on and explore my options with Jamie. Maybe I can ask him out to that New York Gay Film Festival that starts tonight in Chelsea. So far, he's been the one asking me out to gay teen events, so asking him out would be a major step for me. Even if I just want to see if a future for me and Jamie as a couple is actually possible.
Perhaps I am ready to take that huge step in my life. It's not like this long distance relationship with Cody will miraculously start to work out.
"You know… you guys might be right. Maybe I should move on," I announce to my brother and sister, still feeling a little hesitant.
"Are you sure, Max?" Justin questions me. "I mean, we don't want to force you into doing something you're not ready for."
"Oh shut up, Justin. Of course he's ready. Don't you want our little brother to be happy?" Alex declares.
"All I'm saying is…" Justin starts to say, but I interfere quickly because I don't want another brother-sister fight to flare up. Certainly not one about my love life.
"Guys! Shut up both you!" I yell. "Of course I'm not sure about it. I'm not sure about anything right now. But still, I am going to ask Jamie out to the Gay Film Festival."
There! I said it! I made my decision… Cody is already slipping away, and I owe it myself to see if things can work out with Jamie. Damn, I hope I'm making the right decision and not doing something stupid. Because I still know that deep down inside I love Cody more than anything else. I love him more than I'll ever be able to love Jamie. But trying to stay together long distance just isn't working…
I receive a few pats on the back from both Justin and Alex before I go downstairs to the sub shop. After all, my shift is about to start, and besides that I need to ask Mom and Dad for permission to go out with Jamie tonight.
"Hey, Dad!" I call out.
"Oh, hey Max. You're a bit early for your shift, son. It doesn't start for another fifteen minutes."
"Yeah I know, but I wanted to ask something."
"Sure, go ahead, son. As long as it doesn't concern magic and the S.S. Tipton," Dad warns me.
Why does he have to bring up the ship? Now I'm even less sure if I'm doing the right thing. But whatever, I'm going to go through with this.
"Not really. I want to ask Jamie out to the Gay Film Festival tonight. If that's OK with you and Mom?"
"Jamie, eh? Well, yeah, I guess so…" he says with a rather odd look on his face. "Right, Theresa?"
"Um, sure go ahead, Maxie," Mom, who is passing by, answers.
"Thanks! I'm going to call him right away," I say in a tone of forced happiness, but I grab my cellphone nonetheless.
Before I start making the call that will change my life again, I see Dad putting his arm around Mom while they're still watching me. I shrug my shoulders and turn away from them, facing the bar.
I scroll to Jamie's number on my cellphone. Anxiously I wait for him to answer. Until I suddenly hear someone behind my back.
"Hey, Max!"
I'm turning around to show this person I'm on the phone when I realize I know this voice. In fact, I know this voice very well. It can't be that I'm hearing it here, at this very moment. When I see who is indeed standing there, the phone just slips out of my hands and falls onto the floor.
"Zack…"
Author's Note: Poor Max! This long distance relationship with Cody has been way too hard on him. No news from Cody, his family who is constantly saying he should move on… It has been torture for him. He finally made a choice, but is it the right one? And what is Zack doing in New York?
Max's friend Jamie is played by the 16 year old actor, Jansen Panettiere. So you have an idea how this guy looks.
As my last note here, I would like to thank the amazing and charming Elianna22 for editing and pointing out a rather important cultural difference between Northern America and Europe.
