7. REFLECTIONS AND EPIPHANIES

As I ran out, I took off with no clear destination in mind. I just ran until I was far enough away that I could let go of myself. I knew I didn't have to worry about the pack coming up and surprising me. Jake would have told them all by now that I was back. Without realizing I was there I found myself in the middle of the meadow. I sat down and looked around. It was still beautiful. I waited for the melancholy to take hold of me, but it never came. I took a deep breathe and inhaled to fresh air. I could smell the green grass and the wet woods. I opened my heart there. I opened it up and let Edward go. He may not have loved me as I loved him, but I remembered one thing he told me when we had first gotten to know each other. He was almost sure that he could let me go if he loved me enough. I knew now. I knew what he meant when he said that. I had loved him for more than enough years. It was time for me to love him enough to let him go. I stood up from the meadow and took one last look around. "Good bye Edward. I'll always love you. Be free." I whispered. I walked out of the meadow and didn't look back. There was no use reliving the past. The future awaited me.

Over the next couple of weeks I went to La Push almost every day. The first weekend I was there, the pack had a bonfire/BBQ cookout. It was great to see all of them again. My friends. My very truest friends. Ones that would never shut me out or discriminate against me because of what life had done…to me or to them. I got informed of all the pack gossip as well as introduced to any new children in the group. That was one of the only things that ever made me envious of my old human life. What would I have been like as a mother? Would I have been like Charlie or like my mother? I'd like to think that I would not have been like either of them. I suppose if I had a choice I would have been like Esme or Nadia. Accepting of my child no matter what they did and no matter what they chose to do. To give unconditional love. God knew I was capable of that when I was with Edward.

After a couple of months I decided to go visit Port Angeles and my family. I was busy packing up some things to take with me. I pushed my bag off the bed before I lay down to wait for morning. As my bag hit the floor I heard an odd hollow sound. I looked down at the floorboards and noticed that a couple of the boards were oddly placed. I got down and pried them up. I sat back and convulsed into silent sobs. I reached down and gingerly picked up the pictures and CD that was hidden in the floor. I looked down at pictures of Edward and myself. Charlie was there as well, smiling with Edward in our old Living room. I remembered the day I took these. As well as the day they went missing. I took the old CD out and put it into the CD player I had in my room. As my lullaby stared playing I sat back on my bed and shut down. I couldn't think. I couldn't feel. These were the only things I had besides my memories of my time with Edward. These pictures were all it took to rip apart the pieces of my broken heart. I lost myself again.

After a while I finally snapped out of it. I had lost track of time. Not that it mattered to me. I looked down at my alarm and realized that a full day had passed. I got up and close up the house. I couldn't find the key to the front door. The last time I remembered using it was the second day I had been home, the day I went stumbled upon the clearing. I had probably fallen out of my pocket somewhere. I went out to my car. It was time to go back to my family. I could use the drive to think. Why would Edward have left these things? I thought he no longer wanted to remind me or himself of our time together. Why leave them there? I drove off with these questions going through my mind. Somehow I needed to come to a conclusion that I could be satisfied with. I drove at the speed limit, taking my time on the drive. Before I reached Port Angeles I had an epiphany. He HAD loved me. He had done the same thing I did in the meadow a few weeks ago. He had finally loved me enough to let me go. If he could sacrifice all of that for me, I would go on living as I had planned. With as much enthusiasm as I could put into it.