Borderline
Seven: Visiting Hours
"I was just trying to get down the box of Savannah's old clothes and toys to go through them and I slipped."
Ruthie sat in the back corner of Lucy's hospital room while everyone else was crowding around her bed. Ruthie looked over her sister and knew she was tired. There were a few slight scratches on her arms and exhaustion in her voice.
The tears had long dried from Ruthie's face, but they left her to think about many things as she sat in that dank, ignored corner. Martin sat across the room and her eyes wandered over to him from time to time. Ruthie sighed, frustrated with herself. She shouldn't be thinking about Martin while her sister was in the hospital.
"I mean, I feel fine, but they insisted on keeping me here," Lucy went on. "I don't know why."
At that moment, there was a knock on the door that was followed by a very assertive "ahem." Everyone turned around and Lucy's doctor stepped in the room. In his hand he clasped a metal clipboard and on his face he wore a forced smile. Something wasn't right and Ruthie picked up on it right away.
The family was ushered from the room, save for Kevin who needed to be there. With a quick "I love you" and a kiss on the cheek, Ruthie left her sister, Kevin and the doctor to their business.
Aimlessly, Ruthie wandered the bustling hospital halls. She didn't feel like being around her family or Martin. Instead, she stopped by the cafeteria to grab some water and a snack. She found an empty table and sat.
"Ruthie." Martin's voice snapped her back to the present. "We've been looking all over for you."
Ruthie sighed, tossing the remains of her apple into the trash. "Well, you found me." She couldn't keep the disappointment from her voice.
Martin was quiet for a moment, choosing to ignore her tone. He just looked at her and an uneasy feeling settled within her.
"What?" she asked as she rose from her seat.
He took a deep breath. "We found out why they admitted Lucy instead of just sending her home." He paused, then, "She lost the baby."
Hours had passed and most of the family had eventually gone home. Ruthie's father had gone home to relieve Simon and Rose from watching the boys, who weren't old enough to visit Lucy by the hospital's policy. Ruthie had declined his offer to take her home as well. Surprisingly, he let her stay even though she had school the next morning. Martin was around, but at the moment, she could care less.
Visiting hours were almost over, Ruthie noticed as her eyes fell on the wall clock. She vacated the sticky leather couch and walked to stand in front of Lucy's room. Through the window in the door, she observed the scene inside. The light over the bed was dim as Lucy lie there with Kevin's arms around her. Ruthie's mother, Annie, was sitting on the foot of the bed and was inaudibly saying something comforting.
"Hey."
Ruthie jumped and spun around. Martin reacted to her surprise and stepped back.
"Whoa, are you okay?" he asked her.
She sighed and said, "Yeah, I'm fine," and turned back around.
Martin stood over her shoulder and peeked inside.
"I think I should take off now." He avoided the subject but Ruthie detected the uneasiness in his voice.
Ruthie looked at him. "Why?" she asked.
Martin found her question silly, but rattled off excuses regardless. "Because I don't really think that I belong here. I'd just be in the way. It's more of a family thing...and I'm...not family."
She rolled her eyes. "Yes, you are. Don't be stupid, Martin."
"What am I supposed to do here? I can't help Lucy. I wouldn't know how. It's not like I can relate or anything."
Ruthie left her perch and flopped back down on the couch.
"And you don't want me here anyway," he continued.
Ruthie rested her head on her fist and kept her eyes on her lap. She was silent. Martin went to her but didn't sit down. He waited but she gave no reply.
He asked, "What is this, Ruthie? What are we doing?"
Her voice was quiet. "Martin, do you really think this is the right time to talk about that?" she asked.
"Maybe not, but you can't avoid it forever. Besides, I don't have time to wait around. I have to go back to school tonight."
"Don't be so selfish, Martin. My sister just lost her baby and all you care about is us."
Martin was taken aback. "That is so unfair. I love Lucy and I feel sorry for her, but I have issues too. At least I am taking some interest in us."
"Hey, I've been there and done that. This isn't new to me. I've thought about us over and over but you didn't notice. So don't tell me that I didn't take any interest!"
"You can't hold that against me. I didn't like you like I do now."
"Then why couldn't you have just liked me back then instead of making everything so complicated now!"
Martin took a breath. "Don't be so irrational. Besides, it has to be complicated because that's just how you are."
"I am not complicated."
"Fine, you're not complicated."
"I'm not."
"Fine, Ruthie."
It was quiet and Ruthie refused to look at him.
"So...what now?" he asked. "I don't want to fight with you anymore."
Her hair fell away from her face as she tilted her head to look up at him. Her eyes were red and tired from tears and exhaustion and he suddenly felt a pang in his heart and all he wanted to do was hold her.
Martin held back.
It seemed as if she were going to answer, but before the first word formed on her lips, Lucy's door opened and Annie walked out. She smiled at them and patted Ruthie's shoulder.
"It's time to go."
Ruthie looked up at her mother. "Is Lucy okay?"
Annie's face grew sullen. "I don't think she'll be okay for a while."
"Yeah," Ruthie agreed softly and she sighed. This wasn't supposed to happen.
"I'll meet you at the car," Annie said, sensing the new tension in the air between the two.
Ruthie gave a small smile and nodded. When Annie was around the corner and out of earshot, Ruthie got to her feet. She pushed her fingers through her hair and looked at him.
"Just go back to school. It's stupid anyway. Thanks for the ride."
Without giving Martin a chance to respond, she brushed past him and walked away.
That night, Ruthie watched from her window as Martin sat in his car outside her house. He sat out there for hours. She knew he was debating on weather or not if she was worth staying. Of course, she didn't really want him to leave, especially now. With everyone being preoccupied with Lucy's loss, there would be no one to really talk to or go to for a break from it all.
But he left and she knew he wouldn't be back until sometime that summer for a few weeks.
Granted, summer wasn't that far away, but Ruthie didn't know if Martin would ever talk to her again after she told him that everything was "just stupid". She knew he was right about everything. She was being irrational and complicated.
It all turned out to be her fault.
She sighed as she sat up in her room the next day. Maybe it was never meant to happen.
Or maybe it was and she just ruined it.
Ruthie threw herself back on her bed and cursed herself for being such an idiot. She didn't hate Martin. She loved him. And now with him gone, there was nothing. Everything would be so dull and colorless.
And she resented the fact that she needed him.
