Thank you all for your kind reviews and alerts and favorites! They make me smile :) From here on it's going to be mostly fluffy- back to what I intended it to be before my cynical muse tagged along :)
Time and time again Amanda had fantasized about this moment. She'd always thought of the time, their conversation before it, the location, how it would feel, how she'd respond. But nothing could prepare for the true sensations it brought her. How soft those lips were, how great she felt in the older woman's arms.
She wanted to keep her eyes open, to make sure this was real, that Olivia was finally hers and not some demented, realistic dream, but Olivia's hands on her waist made them flutter to a close as the brunette responded to the kiss.
Wow this is actually happening. As eager as she was to explore the lovely detective's mouth, she kept their kiss chaste and her hands- aside of the one enclosed with Olivia's- safely on a strong bicep. Although they've made progress, surpassing platonic behavior into something stronger, Olivia's ran away before and she didn't want that happening because of her nearly juvenile hormones.
The brunette's expression seemed amused, even happy- something that's unfamiliar to Amanda- but she needed to know exactly what was going on in Liv's head. She needed to know if this was working, if this could work.
"Liv, uh..." Like the first gray cloud clothing a sunny day, that anxiety crept from the pit of her abdomen to the base of her throat. It was a slow feeling, but the longer she stared at her the harder it became to breathe.
What if Olivia didn't like it?
What if she was just being nice?
What if this confirmed she was straight?
Her thoughts ate at her self-esteem and she eased out of Olivia's hold and folded her arms across her stomach, as if to prepare herself for pessimism and declination.
Olivia blinked, but she didn't move into the space Amanda created, and the blonde was sort of grateful for that.
"Did I do something wrong?" she asked softly, frowning slightly.
"Olivia is this...do you want this?" Amanda looked up at the brunette, her eyes teary but they never fell.
And as quickly and unexpected a disastrous storm came, it subsided just as fast- if not faster.
Her heart beat with a different kind of intensity, tears trailing down her face but not from pain.
Olivia smiled. Not a grin, or a smirk, but an actual expression that covered her whole face with joy.
Amanda's face held the same happiness.
"I thought it'll be different, you know?" Olivia said, taking a step closer, returning her fingers into the blonde's. "I somehow knew I was going to like it, but...I thought I could separate my feelings by gender."
Amanda smiled, pleased at the warmth that rekindled her fingers. "So what do you feel?" Now she had confidence to answer that question, and not feel her stomach in knots waiting for a response.
And when Olivia smirked, that wolfish look she shared last week, Amanda couldn't hide the crimson clouding her cheeks.
"I feel like..." she stepped closer, as if there was any more room between them and added, her voice dropping a few octaves, grabbing the blonde's jaw as she tilted her face "...I wanna try that again..."
"So I'm the first girl you ever kissed, eh?"
They found themselves on the couch, Amanda's knees curled to her chest, Olivia's legs crossed over the other.
The veteran's soft laugh always made her heart quiver.
"Technically? No."
Amanda frowned. "But I thought-"
"In college, I kissed one of my sorority sisters to get free beer."
Amanda laughed, not exactly sure which she found funnier: Olivia in a sorority or Olivia sloppily kissing an equally drunk girl to please a man. "You were in a sorority?" her laughter trailed to snickers, but her incredulity was obvious.
That earned her a playful elbow to the side with the rookie chuckling at the jagged bone. "Yes I was in a sorority and quite a popular one. But two years pledging it got repetitive and I grew tired of pretending to be nice with bitches I hated."
"Now that's the Olivia Benson I know," she smirked before laying her head against the veteran's shoulder, and the brunette's arm snaking around her back.
It should be different, feel different that is. For two years Amanda's dreamed of being this loose with Olivia- all laughs with minimal clothing on. She thought this would be a big deal, that her heart would be on overdrive from the brunette's close proximity. But oddly it felt free, easy. Yes her heart fluttered at the loving smile and the butterflies were there, but the step out of friendship didn't have any weight on her like she thought it would. It was this sigh of comfort and relative ease in their postures.
As a friend she always had this barrier around herself, walking on eggshells, carefully wording her conversations.
And even with the potential consequences, the conflicts it could bring to their jobs, the looks her colleagues- aside from Fin- might give, nothing had such a calm reassuring feeling like Olivia this close to her.
Oh, the irony.
They continued to watch The Notebook with Amanda playfully rolling her eyes at how cliche this was. Oddly, though, Olivia watched the movie with interest. Every so often Amanda glanced at the veteran from her peripheral and found those brown eyes aligned with the television and even the faintest of smiles on her beautiful face.
She couldn't hide her amusement any longer.
"So hard-as-nails Detective Olivia Benson likes chick flicks?" she chuckled, angling her body to face her.
The brunette scoffed. "I do not."
"Yeah, ya do," she cooed, enunciating her vowels as she playfully poked the tanned cheek.
"I do not- stop that!" The brunette tried to look menacing, slapping away the blonde's persisting finger, but a grin broke free. "Okay, a little."
"That's better."
"I mean, look at what we see everyday. It's nice to see that a man is capable of being a loving person, even if the premise of young love is exaggerated for the younger demographic."
"Or the unhappily married woman looking to escape her zest-less husband," Amanda added, while the detective nodded agreeably.
Olivia looked at her for a beat and opened her mouth as if she was going to say something, but averted her gaze to the cushion of the couch. "Amanda...I've also been thinking, well wondering if..." Her teeth worried into her bottom lip, eyes still on the couch.
Though it's sweet that they've gotten this far they have many things to discuss, necessary things that could bring harm to...whatever they've started. It's not the most pleasant topic that they'll speak of, but it's an expedient one and Amanda was an adult with practicality.
"Yes, Liv?" Her hand immediately went for the brunette's, mindlessly lifting and playing with those digits with her thumb.
It also made her smile to watch Olivia visibly sigh and relax into her touch.
"That night, here...when you made me dinner, if Kim didn't call...do you know what would've happened?"
That question always lingered between them, even when they was avoiding each other last week, and even kissing each other minutes prior. It's something that couldn't be ignored despite the distractions they've given themselves. It's a question Amanda's not exactly sure the answer was, so she figured honesty was her best bet to keep Olivia from straying.
"You know how you can't give me a definite answer if you want...this to work out?" Olivia made a small nod while Amanda continued. "Well it's sorta like that for that question."
She gave Olivia a moment to think over her response, watching the dark brow furrow and her eyes drift in concentration. It wasn't an angry expression, but surely wasn't pleasant.
"I can't tell the future, and I can't alter the pass. So...maybe if I would've kissed you..and...if you would've kissed me somethin' could've happened." Her own eyes fluttered to her hand, still subtly caressing the brunette's. "But," she added, almost as pointed as the thought in her mind. "I know I will never take advantage of you or coerce you into anythin' that's uncomfortable for you. And that still stands, Liv." She gave the brunette's hand a squeeze to grab her attention.
Olivia put on a grin, but her eyes- as expressive as they always were- told a different story.
Olivia was scared.
"I won't lie and say I don't find you sexually attractive, or that I've never fantasized about you before." She blushed at that, briefly glancing at the screen to regain composure and confidence. "But I know myself, and I know that I respect you as a detective, a woman, and..a friend. I did not invite you to dinner with expectations of sleepin' with you. I actually like what's up here," Amanda tapped the brunette's temple with a smile, emphasizing her point.
Olivia didn't say anything but relief seemed to wash over her features and a dull grin stayed on her face. Amanda, with the same expression as well, returned her attention to the television, even though this god forsaken movie was still going on. Like herself, Olivia yearned for independence and control of a situation and that couldn't happen if she was smothering, asking if she was okay.
So she let her words linger into Olivia's head, giving her time to play out her honesty. And long moments later- to the point that Amanda thought the conversation would be left as that- she felt something tug at the hem of her jersey. Looking beside her, she might've seen the impish, most sexiest smirk that ever existed.
Olivia will always be the death of her.
The brunette tugged Amanda by her shirt, pulling her close into a warm kiss. She groaned- mainly from the intensity of Liv's forcefulness- stumbling on the veteran's lap, straddling her. As she continued to explore the veteran's mouth, hot breath ghosting each other, tongues caressing and colliding, she's realized just how much Olivia was holding back before. The brunette didn't grip her waist this hard, or bite her lip- bordering a little pain, like she's doing now. She was reserved because she still didn't believe Amanda, but now she's opening herself in a way that's making the blonde's head spin with numbing arousal and inadvertent pride.
"God," she rolled off her tongue when Olivia's mouth latched on her throat, roughly sucking, leaving a bruise she wouldn't care for in the morning. In fact, she'll shiver at the memories.
Memories, not fantasies.
Her hips rocked against the brunette's and she reached for brown locks, an unconscious gesture that made the woman below her groan against her neck. She felt hands caress her exposed thighs, fingers slipping through her boxers to rest there, fisting the fabric from the inside for leverage. For someone who's never been with a woman, Olivia's responding quite well, listening to what Amanda's body was not-so-subtly asking.
"Now I know the allure for a woman wearing a big shirt and boxers," Olivia tugged on her boxers rather roughly, but Amanda couldn't help but chuckle.
"I really make you rethink your sexuality lookin' like this?" she meant to say sarcastically, but it came off a little shocking, actually in awe. Usually women who were discovering their sexual appeal for other women preferred to have them dolled up, but Olivia saw beauty in her when she really wished she'd changed.
That made her blush.
"Yeah," she grinned, while Amanda softly nipped at the sturdy bone of the detective's jaw, trailing down her neck. "I can't really exp- oh, explain it."
"You should try," Amanda insisted, nuzzling her nose against the juncture of a strong neck and shoulder, lightly tracing the brunette's arm with her fingers.
"You're a bit distracting."
"So I'm distractin' and I rethink your sexuality?" Amanda leaned back, arching a brow with a cocky smirk. "Tryin' to get lucky, Detective Benson?"
She blinked, the body freezing beneath her. It's as if Olivia slipped out of the trance that she was in, and realization began to seep through. She no longer held that confidence and humor she had a few moments ago. It was a reserved, almost timid look in her eyes as she batted them away.
Fuck.
"Liv, I was kiddin'," Amanda bit her lip as she raised from Olivia's lap and returned to her seat.
Her timidity then became confusion. "You...don't want to sleep with me?"
The blonde laughed, an actual laugh at the ridiculous thought. "Really, Liv?" she laughed even harder, hunching over as her breath shortened. "That's what you think? I have to be a cold-blooded gay man to not want to sleep with you!" Her laughter reduced to snickers until she breathed an amused sigh. "I think everyone wants to sleep you."
"Flattery won't get you out of this, Rollins."
Amanda rolled her eyes and took the detective's hand in her own. "Every girl remembers her first time, right?" The brunette nodded as she continued. "Well a woman always remembers her first with another woman. It should be special and romantic and..." her eyes surveyed her living room, her appearance then back to the veteran "...not some quickie on the couch."
"You don't have to do the princess act, Amanda." It seemed like she tried to hide it but a grin broke free as she shyly looked down. "I'm not a teenager. I've been around and I know 'The Notebook' doesn't happen."
"But it should."
"You're really an optimistic southerner," Olivia finally looked up with a smile, a wistful one.
"And you're really a cynical northerner," she countered, softly kissing the brunette's cheek, blushing at the smile she was earned. "But seriously, Liv. I'm not playing the convert the straight girl game. I want this to work...and I think we should take this slow, for the both of us."
Though Amanda liked Olivia- maybe something even more- she can't give her all to a person who wasn't sure of what they wanted. Her heart wouldn't heal from that damage.
So she won't go into details, or give their new found status a name just yet. That would make things bigger than they were, and she's not ready for that. Before they were acquaintances; now they're two friends trying to get to know each other and build foundation to their mutual physical attraction.
"I think that's best," Olivia grinned, giving her hand a squeeze as she stood up.
"I'd knew you'd see it my way," the blonde chuckled, standing as well.
"Oh you win the battle, not the war."
The brunette snaked an arm around the blonde's trim waist while Amanda linked hers around a strong neck. "I believe we are both allies, detective."
Amanda's pleased with the progress they've made today, but she knew this was far from over. Recognizing your sexuality could be difficult, embracing it can be even harder. Olivia's playing cool, for now, but she remembered that period of uncertainty as a teenager, a time of confusion and even shame for not being 'normal'. It's probably worse for the veteran, seeing that she's identified herself as heterosexual for her whole life. So they'll be times where Olivia might deny who she was, or who she was becoming. Times where she ostracized from Amanda to let her brain take in this change. But that didn't matter to the blonde- she'll give her space or comfort, anything she needed.
Because that's what you do for someone you care for.
Fluff is really hard to write. Like..so hard. I thrive on giving people heartache haha. Uh...R&R por favor?
