Hello my lovelies. Yes I know I should be in bed, but I'm not, so what the hell, right? I would like to thank IsabellaFaye11 and Tie-Dyed Broadway for the lovely reviews. Ta loves. I would also like to thank those of you who have followed and favoured since my last update. You are all awesome.
Anyway enough from me here is the next chapter (another long one, this story does not seem to give me anything but long chapters), I hope you like it.
Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.
Dean approached Castiel's office with some trepidation. It had been three days since he had woken in the man's bed, and did that ever sound wrong. But since then he had had flashes of what had happened that evening and as such he had a vague recollection that he had propositioned the man, but hey Cas hadn't mentioned it the next morning, and hell he had made him a great breakfast, as such Dean hoped most fervently that Castiel had put it down to his drunkenness rather than the idea that he had certain designs on the man. Cos come on, he was his doctor, nothing was ever going to happen there right? Hell he had never even thought of the guy that way. Even if he did have amazing eyes. But still he was worried. It seemed that him calling Cas to come and get him when drunk had crossed some imaginary boundary in his mind. And he knew that the doc would be asking him why he had fallen of the wagon, just as he knew, that because he called Cas, he was going to have to answer honestly. And he had a horrible feeling that he was going to have to open up to the guy somehow. He didn't truly understand it, but Dean was sure that that night and the morning that followed somehow changed the dynamic between him and Cas. Though to what he still wasn't completely sure. But he guessed he would find out soon enough.
Castiel was sitting in his office trying to make himself comfortable. He knew that Dean was his next appointment, but he also knew they had crossed the clinical line of doctor and patient to one which he hoped would go towards more friendly territory. All he had to do was remove all thoughts of Dean the man from his mind. And he could do that. It was one thing to find Dean attractive while he was lying in his bed. It would be another thing entirely for those feelings to translate into his office. He could do this, he could. And while he knew some of his contemporary's would say he was to close, he knew that when dealing with Dean Winchester, close was the only way to help him.
Dean approached the door to the office and threw back his shoulders, he could do this. He would do this. He had to prove to Sam that he had changed. Now more than ever, he had to prove that. So taking a deep breath he rapped sharply on the door hoping that the knock would show a confidence he wasn't sure he truly felt.
Castiel was sitting in his chair when the knock came and clearing his throat to make sure his voice was normal, he called out a "come in."
Dean opened the door and one look at Cas sitting in his chair and his confidence chanced into a sheepishness. He had failed on so many levels since the last time the saw each other in this room. As such he made his way to his chair in silence not looking at the man across from him.
"So Dean. Tell me, what was it that sent you to the bar that evening?" Castiel asked once Dean was in the chair. They were here for a reason after all.
"Sammy got engaged to his girlfriend Jess." Dean replied. He had known that this was coming and he knew he would have to speak about what had happened that evening. The only good thing he could say was that he hadn't been to a bar since, not that that changed how he had failed his brother, just as he knew he would. Just as Sammy knew he would.
"So you went there to celebrate with him?" Castiel asked, glad on one hand that Dean was talking to Sammy, but not happy about the fact that his brother had taken him to a bar when by all accounts he had from Dean Sam was the one who pushed him to get help.
"No." Dean replied simply. Oh god how he wished that was the truth. It would be so much better than his own wallowing in self-pity.
"Then why?" Castiel asked with a tilt of his head. He realised there was more here than he realised.
"Cos he didn't tell me. I found out though a friend telling me to give him his congratulations. My brother hates me so much he didn't even tell me he had got engaged. Not even a friggin' text." Dean replied bitterly. Yeah he knew his brother didn't want anything to do with him. But surely something like this, something this big. He would have gone to the trouble of telling him about right?
"When was the last time you spoke to Sammy?" Castiel asked with a frown. Why would his brother not tell Dean that he had got engaged? What was he missing here?
"When he told me he wasn't doing it anymore." Dean replied with a sigh not looking at Cas, instead he stared out of the window. He knew they would have to have this conversation eventually, but it still hurt.
"Doing what?" Castiel asked pressing Dean to clarify. Though he thought he knew. He understood what Sam was going through after all.
"Picking me up from the bar. Dealing with my shit. Not that I blame him." Dean replied in a monotone voice still not looking at Castiel making the other man sigh, this was becoming close to getting blood from a stone, though he knew that this was easier than it would have been before the fateful night where he had taken Dean home. That seemed to have broken some barriers between them in some way he wasn't sure he could define.
"What were his exact words Dean?" Castiel asked gently trying to get to the heart of the problem.
"He couldn't do it anymore. He had his own life to live, he couldn't carry me as well." Dean responded with a shrug turning to look at Castiel with a cynical smile that said take that night and times it by a hundred. Something Castiel could do with ease.
"And how did that make you feel?" He asked probing for all he was worth. He needed to get under Dean's masks somehow.
"Really Cas? That's such a friggin' cliché?" Dean replied with the raise of his eyebrows. There was no way he was going to answer that for god's sake. He was not some lame ass sappy freak who spoke about their feeling at every freaking opportunity.
"True, but that doesn't answer the question." Castiel said amicably. He knew just what was going through Dean's head at that question but it was still valid. He would not be able to help Dean if he didn't explore his emotions.
"It made me come to you." Dean replied, and that was as after as he was going thank you very much.
"Have you told Sam about our sessions?" Castiel asked realising he had got all he would from Dean.
"No." Dean replied cynically and crossed his arms defensively, he did not need a lecture on how he should have hugging sessions with his brother thank you very much.
"Then is it any wonder he didn't tell you of his engagement considering his last words to you?" Castiel asked with the raise of his eyebrows making Dean glare at him as he realised the answer to that question.
"No." Dean grounded out through gritted teeth. He did not like Castiel finding holes in why he did what he did. Even if he knew it was stupid.
"Can I give you some advice?" Castiel asked in a voice that told Dean that he was going to give it whether he like it or not, condescending bastard.
"Can I stop you?" Dean grumbled in reply.
"No, not really." Castiel answered with a serene smile. He wanted Dean to actually want the advice he was going to give.
"Fine. What's the advice Cas." Dean finally replied completely against his better judgement but Cas was just sitting there staring at him, making him talk, damn him.
"Call him. Tell him you are getting help and that you are determined to become sober." Castiel stared as if it really was that simple. Because hell it really wasn't.
"Why?" Dean asked belligerently. He didn't want to give Sammy a chance to see him fail.
"Because you need his support." Castiel replied and when that was greeted with just a look of disbelief on Dean's face he tried another tact. "Tell me, now would you feel if Sammy had a problem and then went to get help with it without telling you?"
"I'd be pissed." Dean replied though he hated himself for doing so. He knew exactly where Cas was going with this and he didn't like it.
"And do you think your brother would feel differently?" Castiel persisted. He would get through to Dean, no matter what.
"No." Dean grounded out however much he would like to say different.
"Then shouldn't you tell him you're getting help?" Castiel suggested rounding off his argument and then just staring at Dean until he backed down.
"Fine." Dean replied with a roll of his eyes. God Cas was persistent when he wanted to be. With that Dean pulls his phone from his pocket and taking a deep breath pressing one on the speed dial.
"Dean? What's wrong?" Came the voice down the line after the second ring which surprised Dean. He had thought that his brother would let it go to voice mail.
"I heard you and Jess were engaged. Thought I should offer my congratulations." Dean replied not really sure what he wanted to say. This conversation had not been planned out after all.
"Right, well thanks." Sam replied. The brothers then descended into silence as Sam waited for Dean to say more and Dean tried to find the words he needed to say what he found he couldn't.
"Anything else?" Sam finally asked. He wasn't going to sit there in silence on the phone to his brother. He had things to do after all.
"Yeah. I um, I've started getting help." Dean replied talking a deep breath and closing his eyes. He knew this was his only chance with his brother. He just hoped he didn't screw it up. Telling Sam made him realise that there was no way he could fail this time.
"Help with what?" Sam asked, hope in his voice that Dean meant what he thought he did.
"To stop drinking." Dean replied standing and going towards the window so he could pretend to some sort of privacy for this conversation.
"Really?" Sam asked, hope so clear in his tone.
"Yeah, I'm seeing this doc. He's good. Suggested I call so…" Dean replied leaning his head against the window resolutely not looking at Cas who hadn't moved in his chair since the being of this conversation.
"That's great Dean. Really good." Sam replied in a proud and encouraging, if not slightly condescending, voice. Though Dean chose to ignore the undertone.
"Yeah well…." He replied, not sure what else he could say to his brother. There was much he certainly wasn't going to say. Like ever. But for now, at least they were talking.
"So what's this doctor's name?" Sam asked trying to make it upbeat but Dean knew the question was more a way of prying. Making sure that Dean was actually telling him the truth and not just feeding him another lie so he could get back into his life. And hell, he couldn't resent his brother for it. It wouldn't be the first time he had lied to him after all.
"Umm, Castiel Novak. I'm actually in his office right now. He thought I should call so… I am." Dean replied hoping he sounded more confident than he felt with that sentence.
"Can I speak to him?" Sam asked sensing Dean's slight waver and wanting to make sure that he wasn't just telling him what he wanted to hear.
"Umm, yeah sure, hang on." Dean replied pulling the phone from his ear before turning to Castiel. "Sam wants to talk to you." he said holding out the phone to his doctor. And that was wrong to start with. He had told Cas things he really didn't want his brother to know.
"That's fine." Castiel replied taking the phone from Dean before bringing it to his ear. "Hello Sam." he said into the mouth piece. He was intrigued about this man who had such an influence on Dean's life. He wanted to know as much as he could about him.
"Hi, doctor Novak right?" Sam asked unsure what to say now that he had the doctor on the phone. Because let's be honest, he had only asked to speak to him to make sure he was real. Of course Dean could have asked a friend to pretend, but he didn't really thing his brother would go that far, or at least he hoped he wouldn't.
"Yes. You will find my credentials under the Helping Hand Clinic." Castiel replied understanding exactly what Sammy really wanted to know but was afraid to ask.
"Right okay. So… how's he doing?" Sam asked not sure how to take such a straight forward response to his unasked questions. I mean how did this guy know what he was thinking?
"I can't comment on a patient without their permission." Castiel replied resolutely and saw out of the corner of his eye Dean sag against the window frame. He knew that the other man was worried he would tell his brother what he had told him about his sexuality and their father. But he was a professional, and that was not something he would share with Dean's family. That was up to him to tell.
"Come on doc, he's my brother." Sam pleaded he need to make sure that this was real and not Dean trying to get back into his good books. And god how he hated himself for even thinking that about his brother.
"And he is my patient." Castiel replied completely unmoved by Sammy's protestations. He would not break the confidence he and Dean had gained. Not for anything, including Dean's brother.
"Well he's there right? So ask him." Sam exclaimed, it was a simple solution in his mind.
"He is coming to me to help him through his problem Sammy-" Castiel tried to explain. There was no way he was going to discuss the ins and outs of Dean's recovery with his brother.
"It's Sam." Sam interrupted, he hated being called Sammy.
"Sorry, Sam. that is all I can tell you." Castiel finished hoping that that would it. Dean needed to know he could trust him.
"Fine, can you put Dean back on the line?" Sam asked. If the doctor wouldn't ask his brother then he would.
"Of course." Castiel replied and held the phone back out to Dean who pulled himself away from the window and took a deep breath, he knew what Sam was going to ask and he also knew there was no way he could say no. Even if he really didn't want his brother to find out about all he had discussed with Cas.
"Hey Sammy." He said with a forced cheery tone trying to pretend that he had listened to his conversation with Cas.
"So the doctor won't tell me anything without your permission." Sam stated. He wasn't stupid he knew Dean had been listening however much he pretended that he hadn't.
"Yeah I got that." Dean replied with a sigh. Trust his brother to get to the point and all that.
"Can I have it?" Sam asked without any more preamble.
"I doing … okay Sam. really." Dean stated as best he could, trying to ignore all thoughts of the night he had got completely wasted and called Cas for help. Letting his brother know even a hint of that would not go well, for any of them.
"I'm sorry Dean, but I can't take your word on that." Sam replied with a stern tone as if he was forcing himself to deify his brother however much it was completely against who he was.
"Fine. But not now. I don't.. I don't want to know what you two discuss." Dean whispered as he caved as both he and Sam knew he would. With those words he leaned his head against the cool glass of the window. He did not want to be there when Cas told him what a dirty nasty person he really was.
"Okay. It was good to hear from you." Sam replied feeling somewhat regretful for pushing Dean for his permission, but he needed to know. He needed to make sure his brother wasn't just playing him for a fool once more.
"Yeah you to." Dean whispered still with his eyes closed. He knew he had just signed the death on any relationship he and Sam could ever have. No matter what he did. For being what he was Sam would never forgive him, and he was right not to. He was an abomination, dirty scum. He didn't deserve to lick Sam's boots for god sake.
"Bye Dean." Sam said unaware of the thoughts going through his brother's head.
"Bye Sammy." Dean whispered knowing it was the last time he would ever speak to him.
When all he could hear was the disconnection tone Dean lowered his hand but he did not move from the window. He couldn't believe what he had just agreed to. He couldn't believe that Sam was about to find out just how evil he truly was.
"I will not tell him anything we have spoken of in our sessions Dean. You do not need to worry about that." came Castiel voice from behind him making him raise his head and turn the doctor with hope in his eyes. Not that he said a word.
"Those things are not for me to reveal Dean. You have my word. I will tell him nothing that you do not wish him to know." Castiel continued when he had Dean looking at him. He had to make sure he knew that Castiel would keep his confidences. That Castiel would always be there for him and no other.
"Promise?" Dean asked in a whisper as if he had forgotten how to use his voice.
"Yes Dean, I promise." Castiel stated hoping that Dean believed him. And when he saw the smile break out on his patients face he realised that he did. He had no idea how, but somehow he had gained Dean Winchesters trust. And that alone was a momentous achievement.
