Note: To those who have been there or are, now―stay strong, and don't hide it.
(depressing chapter, sorry)
Lillie came to, opening her eyes slowly. She looked about the room, shaking off sleep. An interminable blackness met her, the only sound in the room her own measured breathing.
No, of course she wouldn't see anything; she was still blinded from the training accident. She sighed, and felt the edge of the cot, pushing herself upward and putting her feet to the floor. Her toes wiggled against the cool metal floor of the room, stretching out and touching the edge of a seam. Her fingers gripped the edge of the cot, feeling the rip along the seam, caused by age and misuse.
Sat on the cot for a moment, before gathering up the blanket into a wad and tossing it behind her. Lillie didn't care if the bed was made or not. She couldn't see to make it, anyway.
It had been a whole week since the accident. Since that frightening incident with Colonel Autumn―she remembered, all too clearly. Had to remember; she'd been having nightmares about it since it'd happened.
Nightmares about Colonel Autumn, specifically. Lillie's hands tightened on the cot, digging her fingers into the rip in the canvas. Nightmares where she was being chased by some scary unknown―some undefinable terror―panicking and fleeing into an eternal blackness. She could hear Colonel Autumn speaking to her, yelling at her, hear his awful words. She couldn't escape those words, no matter how hard she ran.
It was enough that she would wake with her heart pounding, her body curled up in paralyzed terror.
Lillie's fingers grazed a spring inside of the cot, sharp against her skin, and she loosed them, moving her hands to her lap. She had been so sure he was going to hit her, moving so fast over the mat like he had―his anger storming up around him like a bad omen―
She hated the feeling. Being helpless. And now... she wouldn't be able to anticipate it, if he did try to hurt her.
A tear fell from her cheek onto her hands in her lap. Her fingers twitched at the sensation. She still... still didn't know who had been the person holding her hand when she'd woken up after her surgery. She could tell it was a man's hand; the hairy knuckles and size told her that. But whoever he was, he hadn't said a word. Just sat there holding her hand loosely, letting her move as she pleased. Lillie felt a flush across her cheeks. She hadn't pulled away from the touch. No one had ever given her any comfort like that, since―
She felt the tears falling. Since her father was taken away. It wasn't him, she knew that. He was dead. Colonel Autumn wouldn't lie, he hated her father too much. If there was anything she could expect of the man...
But... she didn't think the doctors in the medical bay would be so forward. None had ever tried to touch her like that, outside of physical examinations. And she especially doubted the man had been a doctor, because she knew Colonel Autumn had been there; he'd always been around when she was going into surgery. He would stay until she was awake, then he would stomp away with his boots scraping against the metal flooring.
It couldn't have been him holding her hand. He hated her.
Lillie curled her fingers up into a fist. If it was not a doctor... and there was no one else there... who could it have been?
Maybe... President Eden?
She turned her head to the left, her blank eyes on the wall where she knew the intercom light was. Surely, if he had visited her, he would have spoken? All she knew of him was his voice. But―no, she wouldn't presume to think that the President would sit with her. He would have spoken to her. He'd always tried to be comforting when she was upset, or when she'd had a particularly bad injury when training.
And President Eden was far too busy to leave his office. He'd told her that many a time, when she asked about his unusual habits. She still thought it was odd, but she didn't dare voice that thought.
Lillie sniffled a little. Wished she knew who cared enough to give her that little bit of comfort. She needed to thank them. In that moment, after she woke, her heart was lifted and she wasn't scared.
That feeling was so fleeting, she'd held onto the memory as long as she could before the terror returned. It hadn't taken long. When she'd heard Colonel Autumn discussing her, with Dr. Isben―
Lillie shuddered out a sigh. She was almost glad she was blind. She wouldn't have to do training exercises with him. She was sure she'd have a panic attack when she had to go back to it.
She stood up, putting a hand out in front of her and grabbing the edge of the door frame. She could go up and down the hallway, at least. Getting out of her room was the only thing she could do and being stuck in a place that reminded her of her nightmares was not attractive, right now.
Lillie kept to the right side of the hall, brushing the wall with her forearm, her left hand extended slightly so that if she ran into something she wouldn't fall. She took slow, deliberate steps, minding that there were stairs near the tiny room she occupied.
The metal wall was slick and cold, making goosebumps rise along her skin as she dragged herself up and down the hallway. She couldn't practice her lessons, or do anything that she wanted to do. All she had was tactile sensation―and her hearing, but the bunker was so quiet it was almost like a blanket over her head.
President Eden's spoken lessons over the intercom had stopped some time before; she hadn't heard a word from him for over three days. That was to be expected, though. He'd told her he was unusually busy, and would not be able to attend to their rituals.
He'd also told her she needed to rest. To take it easy and be in best health when it came time for her to undergo the reparation surgery. Lillie grumbled in frustration. She was too antsy to hide herself away in her room―stuck in there with her terror and the daydreams that she enjoyed too much for her own comfort.
Felt guilty about that. After that man had held her hand, she had daydreamed about who he could be. Imagined up a genuine knight in shining armor, just like in Ivanhoe, but―but this one was hers to have.
Lillie's face flushed and she stopped in place, feeling the metal walkway with her toes. The knight in her daydream was tall and strong. Her mouth tugged into a tiny smile, her thoughts disappearing into the fantasy. Like in her books, he would be skilled, and mysterious. He would be gentle―and devoted―and he would love her like no one ever had.
She knew perfectly well that no one like that would ever exist. It was absurd to imagine such things, even in jest. But... her fantasies were all she had to keep herself from going insane, after realizing that her life was never going to be anything more than... pain.
She closed her eyes against the tears that built up, fighting the urge to smack the wall in anger. It wasn't fair! Even if what she was doing helped President Eden―even if she was saving future lives by participating in the VIOLA program―she wanted something more. She didn't want to live like a scared rat for her entire life!
Lillie's hand curled up into a fist. She slammed the wall with that fist, feeling her whole arm shuddering up to her shoulder, pain lancing through her. It distracted her. It helped. Her head began to clear.
She hit the wall again and again, furiously blinking away tears, until the pain through her arm was too much to bear. Lillie sank down onto the metal walkway, curling her knees up to her chest and rubbing her eyes on her pants.
It wasn't fair!
She didn't know how long she sat there, feeling the pain in her arm, sobbing and feeling hopeless. The pain in her head―she didn't know how to handle it. She hadn't felt like getting out of bed, yesterday. Today, she'd chanced it―and this was how she was repaid. With a messy breakdown in a public area of the bunker, her head filled with conflicting thoughts and overbearing ache.
She couldn't escape those feelings, even in a daydream―
Lillie heard someone walking up the hallway behind her. She didn't care if someone found her―did she? Maybe she did. She wiped her eyes quickly and tried to stop her shaking breaths. Maybe she did.
She stayed curled in on herself, waiting for the person to go away. A soft fabric noise sounded, and a heavy hand landed on her shoulder. Lillie jumped a little, turning her face away from her knees toward the hand.
Whoever it was, they didn't say a word. Tugged her up into a standing position, grasping her hand and pulling her gently down the hall. She didn't bother to fight the person, she knew better―but―
It was the same. The same hand that had held hers in the medical bay. Lillie put pressure on the hand, feeling the warmth of the bare skin. He squeezed her hand back, and her face caught fire. Her knight? Watching over her, inside the bunker. Why was he here? Did... did he follow her? She felt embarrassed. Did he see her hitting the wall?
"Who are you?" she mumbled, walking unsteadily behind him. "Please...?"
He didn't reply, only made a soft sighing noise, and a door swished open. Lillie felt herself moved into a doorway and softly shoved into a room. She turned, quickly, a hand flailing out to stop the door from closing.
"Please!" she said, louder and pleadingly. "Tell me who you are!"
Still no words. He took her hand off of the door frame, held it in the air for a moment, then released her. Lillie felt the swirl of air around her as the door closed in her face.
She sank to the floor, landing heavily on her ankles, and pressed her palms into her face with impunity. Pain spiked through her head, all the daydreams and fantasies gone from her mind in a flash. Nothing existed but the pain, and nothing mattered but the pain.
It wasn't fair!
"It'll be another week, at least," Dr. Isben told her, when she asked about her vision returning. "There's a lot of paperwork, Lillie."
Lillie stared into the area where he was, hearing the words hit her like a bullet. "Okay," she said, dully agreeing with the doctor. Another week of blindness, of utter loneliness―she moved along the wall of the medical bay, slowly picking her way toward the door.
Lillie didn't bother to try to find her way back to her room. Didn't remember the way, anyway. She wandered through the halls, minding doorways and personnel walking around her. No one would speak to her. No one would offer her help. They weren't allowed to. Colonel Autumn's orders. Even President Eden explained to her that she was only an observer, never a reciprocator, never an interacting element.
Without her sight, she couldn't even be an observer.
Lillie fell to her knees somewhere, lost in the bunker. Didn't really care where she was. Didn't care to get up and try to ask someone for direction; didn't care to move at all. She didn't know how long she sat there.
Didn't hear anyone at all for a long time. She was alone. No one existed but her, and the pain that she inflicted on herself. She leaned up against the wall and felt the world caving in around her, her soul under assault by her worst demons.
No one can hurt you like you hurt yourself.
