NOTE: Lotta drama in this chapter. Well, not so much drama as figuring things out post-drama. It's almost a throwaway installment except that it's such a crucial stepping stone in their relationship. Anyway, had to get it done and over with so the next few chapters can go the way I want them to. Boy, was this hard to write, though!
As to all the people who found themselves "confused" by the latter half of chapter 6… good. Everybody was confused. That's the point, to leave the reader feeling how Anna and Elsa felt. And if you can't tell why Elsa keeps trying not to allow herself to have another relationship, maybe you should pay attention to when other characters mention her previous ones. (Hell, it even happened in the same chapter.) But hopefully this chap will answer all questions - at least the ones ready to be addressed! -mad cackling-
Jessex
Chapter 7: Investment Assessment
The hour was abysmal when Elsa Froiland trudged into her living room. She had expected it to be empty by then. It wasn't.
"You can't be serious."
"Dinner was six hours ago," Anna breathed into the darkness from her perch on one end of the couch. The only difference Elsa could see in her between now and when they had last spoken was the absence of the sport jacket and her hair being pulled back. Had she really been sitting there since mealtime? "It's cold now."
Glancing to one side, Elsa saw the half-dozen empty takeout containers on the counter. The pang it gave her barely registered after a full day of international teleconferencing, crunching numbers and internal torture. "I've eaten. At the office."
"Right."
"And I'm off to bed."
"Wrong." Anna's voice gave no room for argument.
"Fine," Elsa gusted as she literally tore her heels from her feet and flung them at the closed door to her bedroom. When they struck with a double-thump, Anna only flinched the tiniest amount. "That's fine. Let's have it out right here and now, in the dead of night! Makes as much sense as the rest of my life, I suppose!"
"Have what out?" Anna's voice was pure steel, but her face was impassive. "I haven't been waiting here all night to scream at you or whatever. I'm only a little miffed you tried to avoid me."
That cut through Elsa's sour mood like a hot knife through butter. Support structure of anger and self-loathing beginning to crumble, she asked, "Then why…?"
"Park your posterior." Against her own better judgement, Elsa took a nearby chair. "Good. Now, let's start at the beginning."
"Beginning of what?"
"Of when you started having feelings for me."
Instantly, her face began to heat up and her head felt light. "Not sure what you're talking about."
"Come on!" Anna sighed in exasperation, head dipping to one side, ponytail swaying gently. "After all that in the office? You pretty much told me that it was our working relationship and living situation that kept you from… well, wanting to be more. And what's more than friends? Hint: it's a simple question with a simple answer."
"Nothing, Anna. Nothing is more than friends. That is the utmost, and worth far more than… than a so-called 'deeper' bond."
"I don't know if I buy tha-"
"Then check your bank statement, because it's the truth, damn it! Do you have any notion of how few good friends I have?! I would sacrifice anything to keep you among their number!" Looking away from Anna at last, she pressed her middle finger to one temple and thumb to the other. "Yes, I know it's weird because we just met, and yes, I know you have no reason to trust me now that… that this secret has been revealed. But can't you try to believe me?"
"I believe you."
The simplicity of the response knocked Elsa over with its feather-lightness. "Really?"
Anna tried to smile, valiantly. It mostly worked. "Hey, it looks to me like this is kind of killing you. Holding that against you when you're clearly not doing it for kicks, I- I can't even imagine doing it. Just… why couldn't you tell me? Did you really think I was one of those, those homophobic nutjobs who'd think any less of y-"
"No, no," Elsa hurriedly assured her. "Though I'd be lying if I said the worry never crossed my mind, but mostly… no, who would believe that of you?"
Anna waited a moment for Elsa to elaborate. She didn't. She simply stared down at her knees, at her toes rumpling the area rug beneath them out of nerves. "Then I… come on, help me a little."
"I didn't want you to know how I look at you. How I think about you. It's dangerous."
"How is it dangerous? You wouldn't hurt me."
"Not hurt you. But… I could do things that might make you uncomfortable, or distressed, or even simply disappointed, and that's bad enough!"
"So go ahead." When Elsa looked up sharply, blue eyes wide with disbelief, Anna instantly averted her own eyes from the intensity there, from the cold fire. "N-not giving any promises of how I'd react, but we are both mature adults! Why shouldn't you be who you are? I can handle it."
Elsa simply gaped at her freckle-faced companion, bottom lip slightly hanging open as she tried to process this latest development. "You're going to be okay if I…" She couldn't even finish. For some reason, even the very thought of acting on her idle fantasies made her feel ill, as if she were tainting something so pure that it was a crime against nature. "No. Not you, I couldn't."
Anna shrugged, though her hands were shaking from where they lay clasped on her lap. "Then don't. I'm not trying to pressure you into anything, either! Just… geez, I really hate to think about you not being yourself around me, trying to change yourself for my sake, that's- please don't, okay? Just be Elsa Froiland. And…"
When the pause had gone beyond pregnant and carried nearly to full term, Elsa prompted, "And?"
"And… you're my friend, too. And I trust you." A quiet, wary laugh. "We did just meet, but so what? Everybody's gotta start somewhere."
"How can you be so casual? You just… handed me license to make advances. To treat you as more than a friend and see how it goes. It's been very, very few women I've met who are open to that from the off. Well, ones I didn't meet at…"
After several seconds of tense silence, Anna hazarded a guess. "Gay bars?"
"Shhh!"
"Why should I shush?" Anna snickered quietly. "It's not like somebody's hiding behind the couch with a recording device!"
"I've never been comfortable there. In the 'scene'. Receive enough attention, yes, but it… God, I'm so anxious and shy there. It's the opposite of how I carry myself in the boardroom. And I hate it. That isn't me, and I despise that other version of myself."
Anna's face began to soften slowly, losing some of the tension it had been holding onto since long before Elsa walked in from the world. "You're not a dater, okay. And finding, um, available girls is harder when you don't know if they'd be interested. I get it."
"You don't!" Elsa sighed weakly, flopping against the back of her chair. "No reason you should, either. My position makes me susceptible to character assassination. It's a sad and unfair truth, but knowing I'm…"
"A lesbian," Anna prompted.
"A lesbian," Elsa growled distastefully.
"Why can't you say it?"
She shrugged helplessly. "Not really sure. Just… it's partly that I don't want to draw attention to my romantic affiliations whatsoever. Exposing myself to jibes seems foolish, doesn't it?"
"Who would dare make fun of-"
"You saw my board of directors. Mostly old, white, straight, and male."
Frowning, Anna nodded her assent. "Guess so."
"Beyond that, though, I just dislike the label. It may be appropriate, but I've never thought of myself that way. Probably sounds silly."
"Well, maybe you're not. Maybe you're a trans-man. See? If you were, the label wouldn't really fit, anyway!"
Blinking in surprise, Elsa leaned forward slightly, frowning in concentration at the suddenly cheery redhead in front of her. "You… what would you know about trans folk, anyway?"
"I had a roommate in college," Anna went on as if annoyed at having to reroute her train of thought. "She had been a 'he' when I first met her. We even went through the gender-neutral pronoun phase, but um, that always kind of confused me, to be honest- I kept mixing them up, and then I'd feel terrible even though she said she didn't mind, and I swear I was trying not to be a-"
"Wait, hold up right there," Elsa interrupted with a slight laugh, heart warming considerably. "I am most definitely a woman. I did go through a questioning phrase when I realised I fancy girls, but it didn't last long in my case. Very comfortable with my identity, but… thanks for asking, at any rate."
Anna waffled. "You're mad."
"No, I meant that! Thank you for asking." Clearing her throat, she leaned her arms against her knees and stared at her hands as they folded over each other. "Unfortunately, that's part of the problem we have. You're just too perfect sometimes."
No answer came right away. Minutes passed before the hesitant whisper asked, "Really?"
"Yes, really," Elsa burst out as if the words had literally been pressing against her teeth from the moment after she last spoke. "That you even thought to ask if I might be trans… it's leagues beyond what I had any right to expect. To be frank, I expected you to realise you were cohabitating with a muff diver and run screaming into the night. That you even made it to this conversation is incredible, and here you are trying to help me figure everything out? You cannot be real. You have to be some sort of fantastic daydream."
"I am scared."
"Wh-what?"
Anna was picking at her nail polish when Elsa observed her next, staring at it intently as she destroyed the painstaking work of the night previous. "Not of you, just… of what it means. Of why I would be somebody you're attracted to. Seriously, I know I'm not completely ugly or anything, but this… it really is the first time anybody of the female persuasion has…"
When Anna didn't elaborate, the CEO scooted a few inches toward her and said in soft, low tones, "You mustn't think like that, alright? It's all me. Time has proven that I usually find myself attracted to women who are completely unavailable."
"Well, not completely," she half-snorted. "I am divorced and all that."
"Don't toy with me," Elsa growled as she stood and anxiously paced into the kitchen, flicking on the light and pawing through the multitude of containers. Pad Thai with no peanuts. She remembered. "You're being very good about this, but we're not at the stage where you can make jokes quite yet."
"Who's joking?"
The question came from directly behind her. Elsa whirled, the plastic fork dropping from her hand as Anna stepped closer. Socked feet shuffling, she whispered, "So, um… what if, hypothetically speaking… you have me unsure whether or not I'm straight? Hypothetically."
Heat burned in Elsa's stomach as she watched the light blush creep into Anna's face, obscuring the freckles. She didn't look entirely at ease with herself, but neither did she looked terrified or disgusted.
"You don't mean this."
"Why don't I?" Anna asked with a touch of defiance.
"Because," Elsa sighed as she leaned back against the counter. "You just found out an acquaintance of yours is gay and you're over-identifying. It's sweet, but… please don't change everything about yourself based on that. It isn't a good enough reason."
"This wouldn't change me that much! Just… maybe I could be bi! I mean, I did love Hans up until he showed his true colours - and he was fantastic in bed, in spite of everything."
"See there? You-"
"But what if you're fantastic, too?"
That heavily-loaded question left both women speechless and gaping at each other. Anna was beginning to understand how she sounded, perhaps belatedly, and took a tiny step backward.
"Anna-"
"Okay, I'm okay," she breathed, avoiding looking at Elsa. "That was… you might be right about the over-identifying part. But maybe that's not all it is. I j-just don't know yet." Rubbing at her tired-looking face, she breathed, "What I do know is that you've been a better friend to me than anyone has for so many years, and I would count myself lucky if we were… well, y'know."
"But you're terrified of being with me in that way."
"Come over here and find out how terrified." The words were seemingly out before Anna could think rationally and stop them.
Elsa began to move. Anna's entire body tensed, but she didn't run, only slowly raised her dilated pupils to gaze into Elsa's. When they were toe-to-toe, one of Elsa's thin, pale hands pressed against the side of Anna's slender neck. She leaned into the touch even as her breath caught.
"Have you been drinking?"
"No, I haven't," Anna said flatly, irritated. "Are you serious with that?"
"Had to be sure, you understand. You're about to make a decision neither one of us can ever take back if you allow this to go any further."
Anna's throat worked to swallow her uncertainty. It didn't quite succeed. "If I allow it? What about you? This isn't a one-person decision."
"Because I don't trust myself to make the right one," the elder woman hissed bitterly. "Because last time I did in this situation, things didn't turn out well. Because I care too much about you to trust your fate in my bumbling hands."
Seconds slipped by in that manner, both of them trying to calculate what the other was thinking. Finally, the dam burst, and it was Anna's words that came pouring out.
"You're just so beautiful - way beautifuller than me - and every time I turn around, you're proving that you care so much more about people than everybody else in this God-forsaken business world, and especially that you care about me! And even with all the other stuff, you didn't have to take me to your favourite coffee house, or get drunk with me, or… and so what if you're a girl? I've never been with one before! My mom used to always say, 'How do you know you don't like something unless you try it first?' And she's right, I think - well, she probably wasn't talking about this, but then again she was always pretty open-minded, so if she was, I think that would pretty much be her attitude, and if that's good enough for-"
"Anna."
"Yes?" she gasped breathlessly.
"You talk too much." And before either of them could stop it, Elsa's mouth was on Anna's.
A handful of heartbeats later, they both individually broke the kiss at the same instance, but not before Elsa could note how soft and pillowy her friend's lips were, how heated and flawlessly formed. The sharp intake of breath the instant before the connection that came from Anna was thrilling and perfect. Not even a full second passed. If not for their previous conversation, it could have been considered friendly, even. But that ship had not only sailed, it had broken all contact with the port.
Elsa didn't want to see it. She wanted to hide from the disgust and alarm in Anna's eyes, the words that would inevitably follow telling her that she had crossed a line, broken a sacred trust. Forced the issue the way she promised she never, ever would.
Therefore, when Anna merely blushed and averted her eyes, tucking a crimson strand behind her ear, hope flared bright, like the last flare from a gun in a dark, dank cavern. Maybe she had a chance - even if not for what she wanted most, then perhaps to salvage their friendship. Nothing was irreparably damaged. Yet.
"Scale of one to ten?" Elsa quipped feebly. Which is why she seldom quipped at all.
"Huh?" Anna whispered. Then she looked up, startled to see she wasn't alone. "Oh! I- what? How was it, you mean? I…" She cleared her throat, shifting her weight from one leg to the other, and Elsa tried not to pay attention to how her denim-covered hips moved when that happened. "Definitely, um, above an eight? My brain's still kinda fried, so gimme a minute."
Elsa found herself grinning. Why? She was terrified. Any of the next few seconds could spell the end of the most valuable relationship in her miserably desolate life. But the part of her mind focused on how Anna had just called her a good kisser was too busy turning cartwheels to care.
"J-just so you know," Anna told her softly, turning slightly to lean back against the wall next to the pantry door, "I, um, I may have had a trans roomie but… I didn't go through that 'sorority les' phase or anything. You really are… the, um… my first girl-kiss."
"It's quite an honour."
Then, finally, Anna giggled. She giggled hard, recklessly, self-consciously but also freely. Her eyes weren't avoiding Elsa completely, but they kept flicking to her and flicking away again, like a reticent bee who's found his favourite blossom but fears insecticide. After a moment, they were both laughing, Elsa's more even and controlled than Anna's but no less self-conscious.
When the laughter died, they were simply staring at each other, gazes locked, four orbs connected by an invisible thread.
"Aren't you supposed to pin me to the wall now?" Anna prompted in a hushed tone.
"I could do that." Elsa took a step forward and saw Anna flinch. "Or not."
"Or not, huh?" she countered boldly, despite how hard she was shaking. "You backing down now?"
"Anna…"
"Do I have to do all the work? That hardly seems fair. You're the one with experience, and I'm the newbie. Step up."
"Anna, stop."
A shrug that was more of a shiver. "Stopping isn't what I had in mind, but hey."
A moment later, Elsa's arms were gently wrapping around Anna, chin in the crook of her neck. It took a tense twenty seconds for Anna to relax against the embrace, letting out a pair of mostly-dry sobs before her breathing evened out. Another minute or two passed as she simply soaked in the nearness of her flatmate, trying to let some of her anxiety go.
"God, don't hate me, okay?"
"Why should I?" Elsa asked, astonished at her friend's attitude.
"Because I… w-wanted to push myself to accept you this way, and I screwed it up. You'll never wanna sleep with me or anything now. And I still don't even know if it's what I want or not. How psycho can you get?"
"Straight girls," Elsa grunted with mock-exasperation. "Find out you're a lesbian and they automatically think you want to shag them."
"Wait, what? But you s-said- oh." Anna slapped Elsa's back lightly. "Don't be a jerk, I'm trying, here! And I thought you didn't like that label!"
"As I said, it does save explanations sometimes." When she drew back, she made sure to touch Anna on the sides of her head firmly, for the affection to be solid and not hesitant, devoid of those hints of possible desire. To conceal her wanting. "Are you alright? Truly?"
"Will be. Soon enough." Then her brow furrowed. Adorably, Elsa thought. "There's just this one other thing."
Elsa nodded encouragingly. "What's that?"
"Stop me if this is none of my business, but you said that last time, things didn't go so well. What do you mean by that? Last time you were… with someone?"
The fragile mood crashed to a jarring halt in an instant. The glow in Elsa's eyes died and the calm eroded to display the same itchy anxiousness she tended to display around Anna in their everyday interactions. Backing up a few steps, she turned to examine a container of steamed rice. "Possibly."
"What happened?"
"Everything went wrong."
Anna waited a very long time for Elsa to continue. Minutes went by, no sound but their strained breathing. After a while, Elsa began to peck at the food. Then Anna did. They ate it cold, side by side, in silence, tiny mouthfuls at a time. Once, Anna opened her mouth to speak, but no words came out.
As they were putting the remaining portions away in the refrigerator, Elsa finally said, "We'll need to pick you out something suitable for the gala."
"The g- oh, yeah. Mondo party. All sorts of crazy bigwigs."
"Right. Care to go tomorrow evening? We'll put it on my account."
Anna bent to pick up the plastic fork and toss it in the recycler. "Sure. Gotta do it sooner or later."
"Yes." Looking around the kitchen and finding there was nothing more to do, Elsa dusted off her hands and said, "Well, then. See you after work."
"Elsa?"
"Hmm?"
Anna slowly slid her hands around Elsa's neck, but Elsa immediately took them away and forced them down in front of her. "No."
"But just-"
"No, Anna. Not merely because you're uncertain."
"Don't you even want this?" Anna urged. "I mean, I'm really pushing the envelope for me, and you're kind of stepping all over my mojo!"
"Miss Snowman." Elsa's eyes darkened slightly as she jerked Anna's arms out to either side, slapping their stomachs together as she leaned in until their noses made contact. Instantly, Anna was trembling. "You know full well that I want this by now, I should think. We are now simply waiting on you to think everything through. Really do it, not just go on gut instinct." Her voice dropped in register. "Because if you change our relationship, I will not hold back in the slightest. You will feel the full force of my need. I will burn you alive with it, I will freeze your heart solid. I will fray and flay your every last nerve. And then and only then, once you have withstood my intensity, will I take your body and make it my playground. That is what it means to be with Elsa Froiland. Choose wisely."
Anna's breaths were coming in heady pants. Her pulse was thundering in her throat - Elsa could see it - and her cheeks were flushed, eyelids heavy. A pink tongue darted out to wet her lips. The measured words that had been both promise and warning had an effect she had not foreseen: Anna was turned on.
Oh no, Elsa thought in panic. I really went too far. She just licked her lips - nobody does that when they're this close to somebody unless they're about to- no, stop it! Back away. Just let go of her hands and back away. Now, Elsa. Do it now.
When Elsa let go of Anna's hands, they flew to her lapels, drawing the CEO in as if to kiss her. But she stopped. Their lips a hair's breadth apart, Anna turned her head aside slightly, gritting her teeth.
"Man," she breathed shakily. "Y-you're right, I need to think about it. I don't want to, though. I want you right now. It's the most insane thing I've ever heard myself say, but it's the truth. How did you do this to me, Elsa?"
"I'm so sorry. I never meant for this to happen to you, I swear! You were only-"
"No, stop. I… I didn't even mean that. All you did was love me, like a real friend does. And more than that, too. What kind of bitch would complain about that?"
"You don't care that I'm ruining it? Tainting our friendship?"
Biting her lip gently, the younger woman took a hesitant step back, running two fingers over Elsa's cheek as she had once before. "Don't be dumb. Our friendship is fine." Then she put her hands behind her back. "Just what we call it is kind of up in the air right now."
"Are you sure of that?"
"Sure I'm sure. Absitively, posolutely. Um… tomorrow, right?"
Elsa nodded. "Goodnight, Anna."
The redhead was halfway to the bathroom door in the hallway when she called over her shoulder, "What would it be like?"
"Sorry?"
"If we said goodnight… but were in the same bed."
It was sort of a rhetorical question, but Elsa didn't have an answer anyway. Instead, she merely shrugged and whispered, "Couldn't begin to fathom."
"Huh. Maybe I can find out someday." And with that possibility-laden statement, Anna turned on the light and slipped in, closing the door behind her.
- To Be Continued -
