Nana
I tried to ignore it. For a while I even managed to pretend he wasn't using again but what good has lying to myself ever done for me. I'd arrive home to Ren smoking but I knew it wasn't a cigarette. He was happy and nice again, when he was high.
"It's just a little weed, Nana. I don't like the way I act when I drink." He was lying, he knew it and I knew it but we went along with the lie anyway.
It was simpler to act as if I believed him, swearing that he would never touch heroin again. It was like his mistress, and I was one of those wives who accepted her husband being unfaithful. When he disappeared into the bathroom I knew he was sneaking some private time with her. If I arrived home early and he was sweeter than usual, it was because I had interrupted him and her. I was jealous of the heroin because he needed it so much more than he ever needed me.
"Nana," Cheerful and smelling strongly of cologne he embraced me from behind. He kissed some of the places where he had left bruises, most of them had faded but some lingered to remind him of what he had done. "You're home early." He'd said in a pleasant tone as if he were glad I had interrupted his private time.
"I worked very hard today and the director said I did well. We finished early with my scenes." I explained but didn't say that I pushed myself harder so that I could get home. When I was unable to keep watch over him I felt nervous. It was so bad that I had turned down various job offers that would be scheduled during times when I couldn't get anybody else to come over.
"Such a good girl I have." His eyes were looking at me but I didn't believe he was really seeing me. All he saw was a way to self medicate himself, just like the pot and the heroin. "Come here." He breathed turning my face and capturing my lips.
I didn't fight him as he lead the way to our bedroom. I didn't tell him to stop when he began to undress me. That didn't mean I wanted him to touch me, I just didn't care anymore. That needy, depressed husk of a man wasn't Ren but I couldn't bare to see his beautiful face contorted in pain so I ignored the drug use. Not wanting to come home to him crying in anguish over what he had almost done to Reira I had chosen to forgive him. She wouldn't even speak to him after that, and I didn't blame her. I didn't even want to be there anymore, but I was afraid that if I wasn't with him he'd die without me.
"Ren?" It never took him long to become tired, reducing our sleepless nights of heaven to him passing out on my breast blissfully unaware that I was crying.
The days and the nights blurred together as I rushed home to catch him either exiting the bathroom or just about to lock himself in it. It was almost a game that neither of us wanted to play but we had forced each other to continue playing. Every day was exactly the same, I woke up to him shaking and vomiting. I went to work to practically kill myself trying to remember lines and lyrics or be courteous to interviewers. The media thought Reira had quit the band due to Ren's refusal to leave me. The rumor was that he had gotten her pregnant and despite her wanting to stop hiding their relationship and become a real family he had broken things off with her for my sake. Most people were not on my side until Reira gave a simple statement that she was not now nor had she ever been pregnant with anyone's love child. She also made a vague comment about me being a brave and strong woman to put up with so much. After I was done dealing with the paparazzi and legitimate interviewers I would rush home to Ren. No longer drunk and angry, he was high and clingy, but if he wasn't high he was shaking with need and every little thing I said or did agitated him. The only thing that calmed him down was to hold him until the pain became too much for him to handle and he had to run to the bathroom. Then it was morning again.
"You look tired." Nobu mentioned one morning. He had come over to watch Ren for a few hours, but he had to leave around noon. That left Ren alone with his heroin for six hours. I acted as if I didn't know he had conned Nobu into sneaking it to him. Takumi as well and Yasu, there was no one immune to Ren's charms when he was begging. Rather none of us wanted to see him hurt and we were all a little sick of hearing his excuses.
"I think I'm catching something. I've been feeling nauseous lately and I have a headache. Have you visited Hachi and the baby yet?" I changed the subject hoping that if I didn't think about it my illness would go away.
"No not yet. Yasu has though, with Miyu. They say she's thinking of naming him Ren, but she doesn't know if that would be weird." We must have all been waiting for Ren's inevitable end. Bracing ourselves for the crushing pain and guilt and for a world where he didn't exist.
"It'sa goo name. If I ad ason, that's wha I'd name im." Ren had started drinking again that morning, after weeks of not touching the beer in the fridge he had downed three cans and was working on his fourth before I even had breakfast ready. Not that he ever ate much.
He stumbled into our conversation giving me a disapproving look. I was wearing nothing but my robe because my pajamas from the night before had throw up on them.
"I should go get dressed." Nobu looked confused by my sudden shyness. It wasn't as if he'd never seen me in just a robe before, and neither of us had ever thought of the other in that way. Ren had never had a problem with our close relationship before either, but he hadn't been a drunk before.
"Yeah, and bring me another beer." That he could say clearly.
While I was dressing I could hear them speaking quietly. Nobu told Ren, that he didn't have anything and that he didn't feel comfortable bringing him anymore. I imagined Nobu going to a sketchy street dealer in a disguise, or maybe he had gone through the agency like Ren had. How easy was it to get drugs, I wondered.
"Don't give that bullshit man, I need it!" Ren's outburst had me running out in a bra and panties to check on them. Nobu held his hands up with Ren advancing on him threateningly.
"Ren stop!" I wasn't thinking when I wedged myself between them.
Distracted by my state of undress Ren turned to me. A mix of anger and lust exploded in his eyes and he shoved Nobu towards the door. He pushed me to the wall and began to pull down my panties not caring that Nobu was still there. I didn't fight him but Nobu could tell that I didn't want to.
"Hey, stop it. Get off her!" Nobu pulled Ren back and threw him down. Ren went down laughing, the remainder of his beer spilled out all over the floor. I fixed my panties before stooping down to help him up. "Nana?"
"It's fine, he's just drunk and doesn't know what he's doing." Ren leaned on me playing nice with his nose buried in my hair. "I'll call in sick. Who do I call to do that? Gin?" I really was starting to feel sick.
Trying to focus his eyes on me as I set him on the couch Ren looked me up and down. "Are you sick, Nana? You look tired. Maybe you should see a doctor."
"Right, I'll do that. Nobu, stay with him please? Just until I get back."
That day my life changed forever.
A few hours later, I sat in the doctor's office needing to vomit. Fear roiled around in my stomach and all I could think to do was to call Hachi. Not knowing what to say when she answered I hung up but jumped back into reality when the ringing of my phone startled me.
"Hello?" I sounded groggy, like Ren when he tried to keep himself from nodding off while high.
"Nana? Is everything okay?" Her voice was so far away. I sat there silently crying with a hand hovering over the baby I knew was growing inside of me. "Nana?" Softly Hachi coaxed me to say something.
"You should name him Ren. Ren would like that." I don't say that he'll be gone before he even gets to see the kid but I think we both knew. If I had a baby I would have to stay alive for its sake, so I had decided I'd get rid of it. That meant Hachi could have the name, because Ren and I would never use it for our own babies. After some time passed with Hachi listening to me cry I can't help but confess, "I don't want to exist in a world without Ren."
