Warning: OK, so here we actually get the discription, if not in detail, of Charlie's attack. As those of you reading this already know, that involves rape, and in this chapter, also a little violence. If this disturbs you please don't read.
Authors Note: Well my plan was to update sooner, and compared the length it took me last time this is a little sooner but not much. I acutally wrote most of this about 2 weeks ago but have been tweeking, sorry.
Thanks: ButtercupHarmony for once again being a
wonderful beta, you really help with the chapters aking any sense at all :-).
Again to everyone who's reviewed, and especially those of you who have stuck with this even through the long waits for chapters.
Disclaimer: I wish they were mine, they're just too pretty to not want
around, but alas they are not.
Chapter 7
Don sat in the interview room; Charlie was sat on his right and Megan on the opposite side of the table. The sound of Charlie's hand constantly tapping on the table was making Don progressively more and more worked up. He reached out and took his little brother's hand gently in his own, stilling the movement. He knew Megan was trying to make everything go as smoothly and painlessly as she could but it was still taking all of Don's effort to not interrupt, not to conduct the interview himself. But he didn't, this was what everyone involved had decided was best.
When they had arrived at the FBI offices Don had not been surprised to find Megan, Colby and David all standing around his desk. When they had seen Charlie and himself entering David and Colby had said something to Megan before she stood up and made her way over to them. Megan had asked Don if he wouldn't mind speaking with her for a second. Charlie had nodded his assurance that it was ok and the two agents had moved out of earshot of the younger man. Don had looked at his younger brother as he'd moved away. He had seen how this man, one who he knew usually felt at home and safe in this office, had looked very very lost; and it had broken his heart. Neither Colby nor David had made a move to go to the mathematician, both instead focusing on the papers in front of them. Don had made sure that he stayed in Charlie's line of sight; more truthfully, that Charlie had stayed in his. Megan told Don that she, they, had been thinking everything over and they had come to the belief that Don should not conduct this interview. She felt that he was simply too close to the subject and that, more importantly, he needed to be there as support for both Charlie and himself. Don gave her a small smile and told her that he'd already decided he same thing. Charlie had then been given the choice of whom he wanted to conduct the interview and so now the three of them were sitting in this room while Colby and David waited outside making sure no one could watch through the one way mirror.
Charlie looked across the table at his friend. He knew that Megan was trying to make him as comfortable and relaxed possible; but he wished that she would just come out and ask what she wanted to ask. It's not that he didn't appreciate her caution, her caring, because he did. He just wasn't sure how much longer he could deal with his fear of the conversation that was to come.
His choice of Megan as his interviewer had been, in his mind, for obvious reasons. He simply didn't think that he could take the humiliation of telling either David or Colby, two men who he respected and whose respect he wanted back, how he was so much weaker than they were. He couldn't think of any way either of them would let something like this happen to them, and to explain how he had, that he must be somehow less male than them……. No, don't think like that, you stopped thinking like that a long time ago, this can and does happen to men, you know this!!! Over the past 10 years he'd met several other survivors, they didn't like to think of themselves as victims, all definitely male; but he still couldn't imagine either of the agents allowing it to happen to them.
Don held his left hand, and although it left him feeling slightly trapped, he appreciated the physical contact. He was afraid that when Don heard exactly what had happened that night it would be a long time before he touched him again, if ever. Charlie knew there was no reason Don shouldn't touch him, but would Don know that. Don had been overly talkative in the car on the way over; he talked about everything from the weather, a rather pointless conversation as they lived in LA, to the baseball game that had been on the TV last night. He had even tried to get Charlie to explain what he had been trying to teach Ryan during the tutorial he had interrupted. God that felt like a lifetime ago! Again Charlie appreciated the effort but his mind wasn't really on the conversation. He hadn't been able to stop thinking about what kind of questions Megan was going to ask.
Megan looked at the people on the other side of the table; she had never thought that it would come to this. That some day she would be questioning one of her friends on, well, anything really, other than maybe as a witness. She couldn't even imagine what was going through either of the men's heads. She knew she had yet to ask any direct questions about the attack, but not only was she trying to make Charlie more relaxed she just couldn't bring herself to say the words. Come on, take deep breath in but don't make it obvious. You can do this, you don't really have a choice.
"Charlie, I need you to tell me anything you can remember about the night of the attack. I know it was a long time ago but…"
"It was so hot that night. It was the middle of summer and although it was late it was still so hot. That's my main memory of that night, the heat, of all the stupid things to remember…..." Charlie trailed off struck by the memory.
"It's not uncommon for something small to take on great importance after a traumatic experience. What were you doing that evening that you were out late?"
"I was just taking a walk, I'd come up against a block in my calculations and needed to clear my head a bit so I could think better. I was just walking around campus; I wasn't paying attention to anything around me, just trying to work on that stupid problem. It was campus you know, it was safe. I didn't even get beaten up anymore as I finally looked like I should be there, even if I was doing my PhD I still looked like I belonged. It was great, it was fantastic even. I got into parties, had dates." Don looked at Charlie in surprise.
"I had the occasional date thank you very much. I may not have been the social butterfly that you were but I wasn't a complete recluse." Charlie's words held none of the levity that he had been aiming for. Man his jokes were definitely off today.
"That's not what I meant I was just…" Don tried to apologise. He hadn't been able to stop the look at Charlie's words, but it didn't mean that he actually thought that his baby brother had never dated throughout his many years at college.
"No it's ok, I'm sorry I reacted that way."
"No don't apologise, please don't apologise." Don didn't want to hear any apologies come out of Charlie's mouth, it didn't matter what they were for. Megan knew she needed to get the conversation back on track.
"So you were walking around the campus with your mind on other things." She gently urged Charlie.
"Yeah. I was only wearing a T and some shorts, cause of the heat. I ended up round the back of the library, still don't know how I get there, but as I wasn't really paying attention and hadn't planned a route it's not that surprising. I spent so much time there it was probably statistically likely that I'd subconsciously go there. There used…..there used to be…"
Charlie's mouth had gotten incredibly dry. He was finding it hard to get any words out. His throat just kept closing up at the thought of saying any more. Don squeezed his hand reassuringly while Megan poured him a glass of water. He took it gratefully, unnerved by how much his hand was shaking. Come on, you've been through this before several times, you can do it again!! However telling the other men in his therapy group and his shrink hadn't seemed anywhere near as scary as telling his brother and his friend. He always worked so hard for their approval, especially Don's. He wanted Don's respect; he'd wanted it all his life. He'd tried so hard for Don to be proud of him. It didn't matter about any of the mistakes Don had made, he was always going to be the coolest person Charlie would ever know, the person whose opinion would mean the most. Even when their mother was alive it was probably Don whose respect Charlie craved most. He didn't want to lose that respect. But then again, Don already knew it had happened. Surely if he was going to loose the respect he'd worked so hard to get, and finally felt like he'd achieved in some small measure, it had already happened. Knowing the details of the attack couldn't make that much of a difference surely? But when Don found out how easily he'd been subdued………God what if Don HAD already lost his respect for Charlie. What if he was holding his hand because he felt like Charlie needed protecting, that he couldn't look after himself?
Charlie pulled his hand away from Don's and his breathing became shallower. Megan saw the movement and became concerned that Charlie was becoming lost in his thoughts. The last thing he needed right now was a panic attack. She wanted to get this over as quick as possible, but she didn't want to push him. She could also see the hurt on Don's face but that was something she would have to deal with later.
"Charlie. Charlie I want you to look at me. Can you do that for me please?" She spoke in the most relaxing tone she could manage. Charlie responded to this and tentatively looked up at Megan. "Charlie, I need you to tell me what happened round the back of the library. Do you remember? You're doing fantastically but anything you can remember would be very helpful."
"ok" Charlie's voice was quieter than it had been. He held his hands clasped together. He looked at Megan but made sure to keep his gaze averted from Don's.
"There used…….there used to be an ally way, a short cut, next to the building. I turned down it, it was always in use but it was late and there was no one around. He must have followed me in. It was so sudden. He hit me with something and I just went down. He kept hitting me, I never had the chance to get back up. I thought he was going to kill me. I never had the chance to yell, I never got my breath back."
Charlie was reciting the details methodically but with no feeling. Don wanted desperately to reach out and touch his brother, to offer him physical comfort; but Charlie had pulled away from him, he obviously didn't want to be touched. Don would respect that. He listened as his little brother spoke. He listened to every word, determined to catch any detail that might be important. He might not be conducting the interview but that didn't mean he could just turn the agent in him off. He could feel the anger coursing through him. He wanted to remember this feeling; he wanted to be able to reach this anger easily when they caught the bastard. No, he was not going to let his emotions take control, he'd already decided that. God this was going to be hard. Don focused back in on Charlie's words.
"I tried to pick myself up but he was straddling me. He pulled my hips up, and pulled my shorts down. I'd been so relieved when he'd stopped hitting me; but I actually wanted him to start again. Can you believe that! He pulled my shorts down and I wanted him to get up and start hitting me again. I struggled so hard." Charlie finally turned to his brother. "God I did, you have to believe me. I tried to get away, I tried everything but I hurt, everything hurt, and I couldn't see straight. But I didn't want it, I didn't. He just wouldn't stop, he wouldn't stop!!!!"
Don finally ignored his hesitance in touching the younger man and pulled his brother into a fierce hug. Charlie buried his head into Don's neck.
"Oh Charlie I know you did. I know you didn't want it. It's ok. It wasn't your fault, you hear me, this wasn't you fault. It wasn't your fault. It's ok, it's gonna be ok" Don kept speaking words of comfort into his brothers hair.
Megan watched but didn't move to disturb them. She probably would have were it anyone else but this time she'd let it slide; they both obviously needed this. Finally Charlie pulled away. She could see that although he'd let hysteria take over Charlie hadn't been crying. When she saw that he'd calmed a little she moved to talk; only Charlie beat her to it.
"He tied my hands behind my back with something, it felt like rope but I'm not sure……there was something…….god what was it…….he was wearing gloves!!!!!! He had leather gloves on; wow I can't believe I remembered that. Then he………he raped me. When he'd finished got off me, cut the rope and walked away. I wasn't really aware of what was happening, but I remember thinking it was strange that he didn't tell me to keep mouth shut or something. I always thought that in a situation like that a person would be threatened not to tell anyone. I suppose if he was moving on to another campus or city he probably didn't need to did he? I finally got up and went back to my room. After that, I honestly don't really remember until the next morning when I got up and went to class. I'm sorry."
"No Charlie that was perfect. I just need to ask you one thing if that's alright with you?" Charlie looked up at Don. Don, unknowingly, had tears streaming down his face but he wasn't making a sound. Charlie could seem to cry for himself, and Don couldn't stop. Charlie reached over a gently wiped the tears off of one of Don's cheeks.
"It's ok."
The comment may have answered Megan's question but she knew it wasn't aimed at her so she waited for Charlie to turn back towards her before she continued. When he did turn to her she was amazed by his composure. He'd just told them the most traumatic moment of his life and he appeared to not be falling apart. Sure there had been moments when it had looked like he would, but he hadn't. She supposed having 10 years to get used to the idea probably helped, but she had definitely underestimated his strength; they all had.
"Charlie did he say anything to you at all?" Charlie thought hard, trying to remember anything he could about that night. There was nothing. Charlie shook his head.
"I'm really sorry."
"Don't be. You've been a great help."
Megan smiled reassuringly at Charlie as she stood up from the desk. She picked up her things and moved towards the door. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Don once again grab his brother into a tight hug. Whether he was comforting Charlie or himself she wasn't sure, she figured it was probably a little of both. She quietly opened the door and let herself out, closing it behind her to give them some privacy. David and Colby were still standing guard by the door making sure no one could view the interview. They turned to her questioningly. Megan ignored their looks, leaned against the wall, closed her eyes, and finally let the tears fall.
