Hey guys! Sorry for such a long wait for the update but I wanted to get "the talk" right or at least do it some justice since the show never brought it up. I think I came up with something you will like, but it will be a two chapter talk. No worries, this one will contain most of the Spaleb. Let me know what you think!
Hanna huffs "I'm sorry for bringing it up again I know we've talked about it but I just..I keep going back to it in my mind. It's like Googling your symptoms and it says all these serious things and you know that but you do it every time. Then when you've convinced yourself that you're going to die because Google said so, it ends up being a cold." she says and looks at Spencer, who gives her a confused look.
She takes a deep breath and runs her hands through her hair then brings them back to wrap around the warm mug in front of her. "What I'm saying is that I have all these questions in my head that I don't really want to ask because I don't REALLY want to know. I just keep thinking that I need to hear the answers to let it go because what I imagine in my head is...bad and I can't ask him because so far I'm doing a pretty shitty at well...talking, and it just gets-" she blurts out, never stopping to take a breath.
"Complicated?" Spencer asks and Hanna shrugs. "Got it. Ask whatever you want. Might I suggest starting with an easier question and answer though."
Hanna raises her eyebrows "It's not debate team Spence, there are no easy questions..." she says and runs her fingers over the rim of her coffee mug. She lifts the mug to her mouth "At least not in this situation." she whispers from behind it before taking a sip.
Spencer takes a drink of coffee before she starts "Okay, so yes...we did...sleep together." she says slowly as she sits the cup down to gauge reactions. She watches as Hanna sits her mug down hard onto the tabletop. "Not that it will make it any better but it was only like a time or two and wasn't until I had talked to you. So don't let your mind run away with ideas from that statement." she says quickly, to hopefully lessen the blow.
Hanna shakes her head to stop her. Spencer was right, it doesn't make it any better but she appreciated the attempt. The thoughts were already there though...of them being together, in that particular way. Truthfully, it didn't bother her as much to think about them together in bed as it did to think about them being in love. Love was something that was hard to get over, she knew that first hand.
"Why him?" Hanna asks her voice low, her eyes never leaving the cup in front of her "You could've moved on with any one of the billion men on this planet...so why Caleb? I mean, I get it obviously...but he doesn't seem like your type."
Spencer scoffs "I certainly didn't plan it that way, I promise and I don't really have much of an answer to why it was him." She takes a long pause before clearing her throat to continue "I uh..I was single for a really long time after Toby. I dated a couple guys here and there but nothing serious, I never got too close. I didn't have you guys to talk to all the time but Caleb was there. Now we had gotten really close after Europe and he was at that point the only close friend I had around...at least directly around. After every bad date I would come home, and we'd hang out. Then I guess things started to shift between us and I started think maybe he was first person I could see myself being with other than Toby."
"When did you decide that you wanted to be with him? When you asked me...you seemed pretty invested in it already."
"When we came back here and saw that you two had not only moved on, but were getting married to other people. That's when either of us acted on turning any feelings into an actual thing. It was the elephant in the room before...we never brought it up, until we came back. We never acted on it until you and I talked, I promise."
"Did you love him?" Hanna asks, this time her voice barely over a whisper as she grips the mug tighter in her hand.
Spencer shifts nervously in her chair "I guess I thought I did. Looking back on it now, I know that I care about him in some way but not that way."
"Did you tell him that you loved him?" Hanna asks. She can feel the tears stinging in the back of her eyes so she keeps them down knowing if she looks across the table, she will lose it.
Spencer sighs and sits up straight, putting her cup down on the table in front of her. She runs her hands over her face and through her hair trying to work the tension from her body any way she could. "I um...yeah, I did." she finally says and gets silence in return.
Hanna sucks in a deep breath like she had just been punched in the stomach. She quickly closes her eyes to keep the tears in but one tear falls and she quickly reaches up to wipe it away "When?"
"Does that really matter?" Spencer asks and Hanna nods her head yes. She knew this would end up being a question Hanna wanted an answer to. She kept thinking in her mind that there was no way it would make Hanna feel any better about the situation they had found themselves in just a few months ago. It was only going to make things worse, but she knew it but the time had come to let it all out there.
She sighs again and glances up at Hanna who looks straight ahead "The morning of The Lost Woods." she blurts out, ripping off the band-aid "Before we left the barn."
Hanna's tries to hide her emotions but she can tell the tears are coming whether she wants them to or not. "You said no crying." Spencer says as tears come to her own eyes.
Hanna sucks in a deep breath and get herself under control "I know, it's just...I am so sorry Spence. I should've...I should have never done that to you. I will never forgive myself for what I did. I just-"
"You thought you'd never see him again. You wanted him to know you still loved him in case something happened to you?" she asks and Hanna nods her head. "Here's the thing..." she starts as she slides closer to the table "When it happened I was pissed about it sure, but would I have done the same thing? More than likely. If I thought I only had one last time to be with Toby, I would probably do exactly what you did."
"Yeah, but you have no attachment to Yvonne. We are best friends Spence. Best friends shouldn't hurt each other the way I hurt you." Hanna replies, rubbing the tears and mascara lines from her cheeks with the collar of her t-shirt.
"You're right, we are and had I been thinking straight, we could've avoided this whole thing by not getting involved with your ex. Not just any ex, Caleb. I might could've gotten away with Sean or Travis...but not him and that hurt YOU." Spencer says trying to reassure her. "I hurt you, and I am sorry for that. You have no idea...I would give anything for it to have not been Caleb, at least where you're concerned."
After a long moment of silence she continues "I've had a lot of time to think this over and we've all made mistakes. You were selfish, I was selfish and we all said and did things that we shouldn't have but it's over. We need to just let it be over."
Hanna swallows hard before she asks "Was it my fault...that you two broke up? Was I the reason?"
Spencer takes another sip of her coffee and rolls her eyes as she sits it back down on the table. Hanna was torturing herself with this questions and answers game and she knew it, but she also knew Hanna wouldn't bagk down until she got it all iut of her system. "That's two different questions with two different answers. It wasn't your fault exactly, but yes you were the mostly the reason."
She moves from her spot across from Hanna to the chair that sits empty in between them "Han, have any of my answers changed the way you feel?" she asks but never gives her time to respond "None of my answers to these questions are going to change anything because what happened between Caleb and I, is over. You're asking all the wrong questions."
There is a brief moment of silence in the room before Spencer continues "Ask me about Europe, ask me how he was when we ran into each other." When Hanna never says a word and just looks at her, she continues "He was an absolute disaster. He wouldn't talk about it but there would be nights when we were having so much fun, then all of a sudden he would go quiet. Sometimes he'd get so lost in thought and I could tell he was thinking about you so I would just walk away. He'd come back around and his mood would be different, melancholy even."
Hanna's eyes fill with tears again as Spencer recounts the trip to Europe. The trip that they had worked on planning and saved for months to go on. The trip that would've changed her life and made all the dreams she'd had come true. The trip that ended it all because she walked out. She chose something over him again, thinking that it would be just like every other time. They'd fight, they'd make up and would be fine until the next time something came up. She couldn't find it in her to blame him for it, she would've gotten tired of it to...but it still hurt.
"Ask me how many times we talked about you...hundreds, maybe even thousands I just know too many times to count. Ask me what happened every time it did. He got this goofy look on his face that I don't even know how to begin to explain...you could see the love he had for you in his eyes." Spencer says with a smile as she brushes the bangs from her face.
After a long pause and grabs Hanna's hand that rests on the table and gives it a tight squeeze "Ask me what happened when I said that I loved him."
Hanna sniffles, wiping her nose with her other hand "What happened?"
"Nothing. He smiled awkwardly and opened his mouth but never said it back and he left." Spencer chuckles "That was when I knew without a doubt...ask me why I said that what happened wasn't to blame for me ending things but you were."
"Why?" Hanna asks through tears
"Because I realized there is no way that anything we started could hold up against what you had with him. I always knew if we took it any further than friends I would be up against the ghost of Caleb and Hanna and I thought that maybe we could make it through that back in D.C. if it got that far. You know, out of sight out of mind but coming back here and him seeing you again...being near you again, I could never measure up to that. That morning when I told him I loved him and he didn't say it back, I knew then that he didn't just love you...he was in love with you. I knew it, and I didn't want to admit it."
She stops for a brief moment to swallow past the lump in her throat. "Those are the questions and answers that matter, because he loves you Han. He is so in love with you. You know it and I know it. HE loves YOU so nothing else that has happened should even be relevant."
