Chapter 07
"Merrill, how are things between you and my brother?" Marian asks. Carver has gone to fetch our drinks. I realise this is the chance she has been waiting for since we arrived at the tavern half-an-hour ago.
"Why are you so interested?" I ask. She looks away from me and stares at her clasped hands and for the first time, I notice the ring on her finger. It is plain gold with three blue stones that look remarkably similar to her eyes. She looks at me and smiles.
"Anders gave this to me, just before I turned nineteen, but when I was sixteen and we had only known each other for a few short months, he gave this to me," she says as she pulls out a gold locket from beneath her clothes.
"It's beautiful, Mari," I murmur.
"Mmm...Thank you. It was his promise to me, you see. So we have being engaged for nearly ten years. We hope to marry after the expedition," she says.
"Mmm...Tell me about this expedition... Carver hasn't mentioned much except that you need to invest fifty sovereigns."
"Fifty sovereigns is a lot of coin to try and make in this city, Merrill and it has not been easy, but we are nearly there. My mother was ecstatic about the will, Merrill. She wants to petition the Viscount after the expedition to reclaim her home," she says.
"So this expedition is...important?" I ask.
"Extremely...She deserves better than what we are in. She has been through so much over the years. The death of my father, losing Beth as we did...I want to give her the life she deserves."
"When are you going on this expedition?" I ask. I am anxious because I don't want Carver to go with them.
"Not for a while. We still have much to do," she replies.
"Have you decided who you will be taking along?" I ask.
"Well, that is why I called everyone here and here they came," she says, motioning to the door. Aveline walks in followed by Fenris. Isabela joins us followed by Carver who places my mug of cider in front of me and lastly, Varric joins us.
"Hey, love," Anders greets Marian.
"Andy..." she murmurs. They share a brief kiss and I smile at them.
"Hey you," Carver murmurs as he places his hand on my thigh.
"Emma lath," I murmur and he shakes his head. He leans closer.
"I know what that means, my love," he murmurs and I giggle. He kisses my cheek before he leans back in his chair. He grabs my hand and places it on his thigh.
"Before I start, I have something for my brother who cannot keep his eyes off Merrill," Marian announces and I blush as I meet her light blue eyes. I see no jealousy there anymore and I wonder if they haven't resolved their issues and if they have, why hasn't he told me?
"What do you have for me, Sister?" he asks.
"Well, while we cleared out the Amell cellar from the bottom up, I found this amulet in one of the chests. You, of course were too busy complaining about the Amell shield we found," she says and he looks away from her.
"Remember what you said, Carver? To carry that shield we would have to have the ties to back it up otherwise we will look old...Remember?" she asks.
"Get to the point, Marian otherwise I am going home...with Merrill," he snaps. Marian scowls at him, but she recovers herself.
"I found this amulet with this letter, Carver. It was addressed to Father," she says. He takes it from her and quickly peruses it, but he gives it back to her in disgust.
"Are you sure it isn't meant for you, Mari? I am sure a mage will get more out of if than me," he says. She peruses it again.
"No...It is definitely for you," she says. He snatches it back from her and peruses it again.
"For your service that cannot be admitted, I asked that you accept this trinket, and know that I shall respect your name. Thank you, conscience of the Order, Ser Maurevar... Carver"
"Carver?" he murmurs. He gapes at Marian, surprise evident on in his eyes.
"This is the templar who allowed Father to leave Kirkwall. Your namesake," she says.
"A templar? Have we met a templar who isn't a colossal prig?" he asks.
"Well, there you go then," she says.
"I wonder how it compares to yours," he comments.
"Hey, I am sure someone thought far too long about my name. The point is, is that the said templar was a swordsman," she says as she picks up her glass. She has a sip of her drink and she leans back in her chair. He reaches for the amulet and studies it.
"A man who let him look ahead. It would always mean skill thoughtfully applied. Not exactly master of all blades, but...Father actually thought there was worth in a swordsman. Thank you, Mari... It's...a connection I didn't think was there..." he murmurs. He picks up the amulet and studies. Then pendant is the flaming sword – the templar signia and my heart beats uncomfortably. His expression is delighted, but I am not pleased. I fold my hands in my lap and I stare at nothing in particular. I startle when I feel his hand on my thigh and I glance at him, but I can't even smile and he frowns.
"What –?" he starts saying when Marian interrupts us. He reaches for my hand, but I move them onto the table. If he joins the templars, what am I going to do? He attempts reaching for my hand again, but I shake my head. I glance at him and his expression his hurt, but he doesn't touch me again.
"I know all of you are aware about this pending expedition...Well, most of you are aware... I would like to let you know that we are only short of ten sovereigns...And Varric is still looking out for any more work for me, but I called everyone here this evening to let you know that I have decided who will be accompanying me. Anders and Varric are definitely coming with me simply because it was Varric's suggestion we invest in this expedition and as for Anders, even though he dislikes the Deep Roads, he is adamant about coming with me and in all honesty, I want him to come with me...," she pauses and glances nervously at Carver. "I don't want you to be angry with me, Carver, but I have decided not to include you on this expedition." There is absolute silence and I feel the tension and anger radiate off his body. I want to reach for his hand, but I am too afraid. I glance at him and his blue eyes are flashing dangerously.
"What?" he hisses.
"Carver, I am not including you simply because I cannot risk it. We don't know what we are going to face and I don't want Mother to lose another child," she says.
"So you think leaving me behind is the solution?" he says.
"Don't be so bloody self-centred, Carver. You told me the other day that you needed to get away from me so that you can find your own. I am not taking you because of Mother... She is still trying to come to terms with losing Bethany. How do you think she is going to feel if something happens to either of us? Do you think it is fair on her, Carver?" she asks.
"Marian," he mutters.
"Carver, what does she mean that you need to get away from her?" I ask.
"I...We...I need to get away from her, Merrill. I have my reasons...Reasons I am not willing to share just yet," he replies.
"Why not, Carver? You told me you love me, yet you can't be upfront about whatever it is that is going on between you and Mari..." I murmur.
"I do love you, Merrill, but I am not yet ready to tell you everything. I told you have I have secrets and I am not willing to share them just yet...I love you too much to do that and I am afraid you might end things with me, if I do..." he explains. He seeks out my hand and grabs it before I can snatch it away.
"Ma'arlath, Merrill...Ma'arlath...Why do you doubt me?" he whispers and the pain in his voice tugs at my heart.
"I do not doubt you, Carver. I just want to understand and I can't until you tell me and until then, I don't know...I just don't know," I reply.
"What is that supposed to mean?" he murmurs. He has wrapped his hands firmly around mine.
"I...Carver...I need time," I murmur knowing it will hurt him and it does. He blinks rapidly as if he is trying to prevent his tears from falling.
"No...Merrill...Please don't do this...I love you...I...love...you," he murmurs.
"I don't want to, but I have to..." I murmur.
"No...My love, please...I will tell you, but I can't just yet... Please, please give me a chance," he murmurs and it is a heartfelt plea. I stare into his eyes that are full of love for me and there is also deep sadness and profound loss as well.
"What are you hiding from me, emma lath?" I whisper.
"Hold on..." Marian says and I nearly jump out of my seat. I forgot they were here and I blush. They have heard everything and know the extent of what we feel for each other and I want nothing more than to go home with my Carver. I reach for his hand and entwine our fingers. I don't want to end things with him...I just need time...
"Mari, next time be a bit more diplomatic," Anders murmurs.
"I...I know...I apologise, Carver," she says.
"It's too late, Mari. The damage has been done and if she walks away from me, I am going to lay the blame on you," Carver mutters.
"Carver, I don't want to walk away from you...I just wish you would tell me," I murmur.
"And I will, when I am ready...I am too afraid," he whispers.
"Okay...Okay...Just promise me that you will tell me?" I murmur.
"I promise," he murmurs. We stare gaze at each for a while and that electrical charge is there again. I want to reassure him. I slip off my seat and climb onto his lap.
"I won't walk away from you, Carver. I love you too much," I murmur.
"Oh Merrill, I love you," he whispers and I kiss him.
"Ma'arlath," I murmur against his lips and he smiles.
"Ma'arlath, Merri," he murmurs.
"So you are going to take along?" Ander asks.
"Aveline...If she doesn't mind," Mari replies.
"Me? Why?" she asks.
"We need a good sword arm, Aveline," she replies.
"Fine...I will go with you, but Donnic won't be pleased," she says.
"Mmm...Who is Donnic?" I ask.
"A good friend of mine, Merrill... We assisted him in Lowtown a few days ago." she replies.
"Is he okay?" I ask.
"Yes, thanks to Anders' capable hands," she replies.
"Mmm...I know all about his capable hands," I tease.
"Yes, I heard about that. You will be pleased to know that we arrested the bastards...They won't see the light of day again for a long time," she says.
"Are you sure about this, Mari?" Carver asks.
"Yes...I would rather you stay behind...for Mother," she replies.
"Oh alright, but I am going to have find some sort of employment. The city guard won't have me," he says as he picks up the note his sister gave to him. He reads it again and then he glances at me. I realise what he is thinking and my heart sinks.
"What about us?" I murmur.
"Then can still be an us...We just won't be able to see each other that often. I need to work, Merri...I can't sit around doing nothing. I am a skilled swordsman and I used to be in the army back in Lothering. I was even made Captain and I was only sixteen...I fought at Ostagar as did Aveline...," he says.
"But -?" I murmur. He gently presses his finger against my lip.
"I first have to apply and then we can take it from there...Now why don't we enjoy the rest of our evening?" he suggests. I realise the topic is closed for now. I slip off his lap and seat myself in my chair. I once again stare at nothing in particular. I can't enjoy myself and I have had enough. I want to go home. I abruptly stand, but as I am about to walk away, he grabs my hand.
"Where are you going?" he asks.
"Home...To think," I reply. He stands and slips his arms around my waist.
"I will walk with you," he murmurs.
"Fine," I mutter. We say our goodbyes and all too soon we are at home. I wander into my bedroom and I sit down.
"Would you like me to stay?" he asks hopefully.
"If you want to," I reply.
"Of course I want to...I want to spend the rest of the evening with emma'asha," he murmurs. I actually smile because he is a natural when it comes to the elvish language.
"Emma' lath," I murmur, as he sits next to me. He reaches for my hand and moves it onto his lap and he plays with my fingers. He brings my hand to his lips and he trails feather light kisses along my knuckles, but I pull my hand away.
"I'm going to sleep, Carver," I murmur. I crawl under the covers and I turn on my side facing the wall. I know he is confused and hurt by my reaction, but the mere thought that he might be considering the life of a templar over a life with me is upsetting. I feel him sit up. If he goes home, I couldn't be bothered. I hear the rustling of his clothes, him kicking off his boots and I realise he is going to stay. He climbs into bed and turns me towards him.
"I know you are upset with me, but I have to find my way...I have to earn my keep, Merrill," he murmurs.
"And you think joining the Templar Order is the answer? Have you forgotten what I am, Carver? We will not be able to be together if you join the Order. Is that what you want?" I ask.
"I...I don't know what I want...I am so confused about things and I have so many issues that just confuse me even more," he replies.
"And you won't even talk to me about your issues either..." I murmur.
"Merrill... You are not going to want to be with me if I tell you," he says.
"How do you know what I want? And when are you going to realise that I love you?" I ask. I search his face for any sign of doubt, but all I find is uncertainty.
"Fine...If you are going to be so stubborn, then that's fine. I am going to sleep," I mutter. I turn onto my side away from him and I close my eyes. He turns away from me until his back is pressed against me and my tears fall. I hug my pillow and will sleep to come. It does...eventually and I fall into a dreamless sleep.
o0o
I awake and feel around for him, but all I find is a cold empty bed. I turn onto my back and stare at the ceiling. An overwhelming sense of loneliness surrounds me. He has left me and the pain is unbearable. I sit up and fumble around for something to wrap around myself. I find my cloak the Keeper gave to me. I climb out of bed and wander into the living room. I feel numb as if a large part of me is missing and my tears fall unchecked. I fill a mug with water and I stare out of the window. The sun is just peeking through the topmost branches of the Vhenadahl. He has left me after all his promises and words of love, he has left me and I think back to the conversation Marian and I had when I first arrived in Kirkwall. She warned me about him and I didn't heed her advice and now my heart feels as if it is breaking. I glare at my mug and I throw it across the room where it bounces off the wall and onto the floor, sloshing water all over the place. I wander aimlessly into my room and I curl myself into a ball on my bed and I weep. How could I even consider a shemlen loving me? How could I misread his signs to this extent yet the Keeper said he loved me and he had told me so numerous times since then? I am so confused and I want nothing more than to be comforted by the Keeper, but that is unlikely... I stretch myself out and turn onto my side. Through my misty eyes I notice a piece of parchment on the desk. I jump up and anxiety claws at my stomach. I pick up the note and peruse it:
Emma'lath
I need time to think about things and what I really want because right now I don't know what I want. I am very confused about things at the moment. I know you are hurting, but...Merrill...I...Shit...I can't be with you right now. My head is messed up and everything is in a jumble. I am sorry for the pain you are feeling, but I need time...I need time... I do love you, Merrill, don't doubt that, but time is what I need and I ask for your patience.
Ma'arlath...
Carver
I can't believe it. He has ended our relationship. My heart clenches painfully and it takes every ounce of my strength not to use my magic that is stirring beneath my skin. I scrunch the note and throw it onto the desk and I sink to my knees. I don't understand. He loves, yet he can't be with me right now... What does that mean? I bury my head in my hands and I weep...I weep for emma'lath and the pain spreads from my heart to the rest of my body and I feel and empty... I was foolish to think he ever loved me.
"I love him... I love him..." I murmur knowing that no-one else can hear me...I pick up the note and read it again and I stumble onto the bed. He has really left me. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't even know what to think. I am numb to the core. He has left me...Creators help me," I murmur.
o0o
I am startled out of my reverie by someone knocking on my door and I scramble to my feet, hoping it will be Carver. I run into the living room and swing the door open and my excitement dissipates leaving me feeling empty and I fall to my knees.
"Merrill, what is it?" Isabela asks. I am too upset and disappointed to answer and I all I do is shrug my shoulders.
"It's Carver, isn't it? What has he done?" she says. I pass her his note.
"The bastard! I will have his balls for this, Merrill. After all he said to you last night, he ends it. The flaming bastard...That man is screwed up, Merrill. He lets the one good thing go just so he can sort through his issues. The bastard..." she mutters. I look at her and I actually smile. She looks hilarious with her flashing brown eyes and exasperated expression.
"Flaming bastard?" I manage when I start laughing.
"Yes...The flaming bastard. I have other words which are more suited to the likes of him, Kitten," she says as she reaches for my hands and pulls me to my feet.
"But, how are you?" she asks, concerned. I lower my gaze to my hands that are clasped tightly together. I didn't even realise I was doing that.
"How do you think I feel, Isabela? The man I love has left me. How do you think I feel?" I whisper. I sit down. "All he has told me is meaningless. I don't think he really loves me... How can he when he has unresolved issues with his sister?"
"Oh...You noticed?" she asks.
"Yes, of course I noticed. They couldn't be more obvious even if they tried and he is hiding something from me and he won't tell me what it is, but it keeps coming up...I can't stand it...And...And I really thought he wanted to be with me, but now I am not so sure," I reply.
"And I know as much as you do. The Hawke siblings are very private about their family affairs," she says.
"And Anders knows, Isabela. He knows, yet he loves Marian. Why can't Carver love me in that way?" I ask.
"Because he is screwed up...He has a lot of emotional issues and at times he can be very aggressive," she says.
"I...I have never seen that side of him...He is gentle with me...And we haven't made love yet, either...I suppose that is just as well," I murmur.
"What?" She raises an eyebrow in apparent surprise.
"We haven't made love yet, Isabela..." I murmur.
"Well, that is surprising..." she says and for no reason at all, I feel annoyed.
"You don't know him, Isabela. He is gentle, kind and caring. All you did was rut," I mutter. I stand and move to the table near the fire. I throw in a few vegetables and potatoes and I light the fire using magic. I turn around and stalk into my bedroom. I throw of my cloak and put on a clean outfit. I smile sadly at my empty room. He didn't leave anything behind and the pain I feel at this thought is crippling.
"Why?" I murmur, folding my arms around myself. I miss him so much already and the need to see him is overwhelming. I grab my cloak, wrap it around myself and I bolt into the living room. Isabela is perusing one of my books and she is frowning.
"I can't read any of this...," she mutters.
"Well, that is because it is written in elvish," I explain as I give my food a quick stir. She looks at me and frowns.
"His note had similar words..." she says.
"That is because I taught him, Isabela," I explain and another pain of sadness overwhelms me and deep longing unfurls in the pit of my stomach. I wander to the window and I stare distractedly at the elves going about their daily business and it is such a beautiful day.
"I'm going outside for a while..." I murmur. I don't wait for her response as I close the door behind me. I wander past the tree and I ascend the stairs the stairs. I want to see him. I don't care if he doesn't want to be with him, but I need to see him. I hasten my step and before long, I am standing by the door of his uncle's house. As I am about to knock, the door swings open and Marian strides out, followed by Anders. She is pale and her lips are swollen and her hair is more untidy than usual. Anders grabs her hand and pulls her into his arms and that is when I notice his mouth is pressed in a thin hard line.
"You don't have to come here anymore, sweetie. I won't allow him to touch you again," he murmurs.
"Take me home, Anders. Please take me home," she murmurs. He lifts her into his arms and without looking at me, he strides down the stairs without acknowledging me and he is gone, around the corner and I assume he is taking her to his Clinic. The door is still open and I warily enter. I search the room only to find Leandra sitting in her chair, looking extremely distressed and I frown. What has happened? Do I even want to know? I quietly approach her.
"Leandra?" I murmur. She looks at me and the tears are rolling down her cheeks.
"You...You should go, Merrill," she murmurs.
"What happened to Mari?" I murmur.
"Merrill, please, you should go...Please," she murmurs as she grabs my hand and with a sinking feeling, I realise what has transpired and white hot anger courses through my body. I release her hand and I stride to his bedroom door.
"Merrill, please," she murmurs, but I ignore her as I open the door. He has his back to me and he is pulling on his shorts.
"Carver?" I whisper. He straightens himself and he slowly turns around to face me. His hair is wild and unruly and his eyes are sparkling and he has a smug smile on his face and he looks arrogant. My knees begin to shake...
"Carver?" I murmur. He says nothing; he just stares as if he can't quite believe it. His smug expression changes into one of horror and mortification.
"How could you?" I barely whisper, the realisation hitting me in my stomach, leaving me breathless.
"Your own sister?" I can't hide the tremble in my voice.
"I...I...I told you I was a bad person...I warned you, Merrill," he whispers hoarsely.
"That doesn't excuse what you did to her... I've just seen her and she looks absolutely terrible... How could you have sex with her?" I blurt out.
"It...It was consensual," he mutters.
"I don't believe you, Carver. She is in a state and it is your entire fault. You are right. I can't do this anymore. We are over and your words of love don't mean a thing when all you have wanted is your own sister! Is that what you are hiding? Did you screw Bethany over as well?" The words come out in a rush and I don't quite know where my courage has come from. He looks away from me. He falls to his knees and he buries his head in his hands.
"I'm sorry," he murmurs and the pain in his voice tugs at my heart and I want nothing more than to comfort him...I move towards him. He slowly lifts his head until my green eyes meet his blue ones. There is so much pain and sadness in his eye and it tugs at me heart. I love this man and his pain is very real and I feel it in my heart.
"Why?" I murmur as I attempt to reach for his hand, but he backs as far away from me as he can and he looks at me with such vulnerability.
"Oh, emma lath," I murmur.
"I am not worthy of your love, Merrill," he whispers. I make a move towards him again, but he holds up his hands. "Don't... Please don't," he whispers. I ignore him. I reach for his hands, but he moves away from me.
"It's over...I can't love you, Merrill..." he murmurs. I recoil away from him and quickly get to my feet. I exit his bedroom. Leandra is standing by the kitchen door...
"Merrill..." she says. I shake my head and run out. The tears are flowing freely and I can't see where I am going. I just hope I find my way home. I stumble and nearly fall, but I manage to keep my balance. I find my way into the Alienage and I run straight into someone.
"Shit, Merrill..." It's Isabela and I fling my arms around her and I weep. "Oh Kitten, what happened?" she asks kindly. I shake my head because it is not something I can talk about.
"It's over, Isabela. It's really over," I wail.
"Oh the bastard. I will have his balls for this," she murmurs.
"No...Please leave him alone. He is coping with something I don't understand and I don't think he understands it himself," I sob.
"But, Merrill...He can't...I won't allow him to get away with this," she says.
"No! I said no!" I blurt out as I shove her away from me. I glare at her... "You will leave him alone," I warn.
"Why?" she says.
"Because I said so, now if you don't mind, I would like to go home and heal my wounded heart," I mutter as I push past her. I don't look back and I breathe a sigh of relief as I close my door behind me.
