The Devil's Own

-Chapter 6: Between Hope And Fear-

Squall Leonhart had left the bar early that night. He had finished neither his food nor the article he had been working on; his mind had continuously wandered off, leaving him without any means to focus. It had been downright impossible to accomplish anything at all. Thus, he had decided to give up on his article for the day, paid his meal and walked out the door without acknowledging that dumb ogre of a SeeD with another glance or thought.

After all, he had decided, returning home early was probably a smart idea. He still had a lot to prepare for the coming days, and he was bound to get little sleep that night.

Then again, he never got much sleep to begin with.

Meanwhile, Seifer Almasy's mind had turned out to be almost as haywire as Squall's. The blond had apologized to Quistis for his rudeness and then eaten dinner with his friends, though all three of them had spent their meal mostly in silence. The thought of getting wasted on cheap wine had become almost too tempting for Seifer, but in the end, the SeeD had successfully restrained himself.

Quite honestly, the last thing he felt inclined to deal with was another train ride with a headache, or worse, a hang-over.

All in all, the evening had passed quickly, and soon enough Seifer found himself in his bed in their hotel room, trying to fall asleep against Irvine's incessant snoring and the terrible mess that was his thoughts. The blond had been laying awake and staring at the ceiling for a while already, brooding alone in the darkness. His thoughts would constantly return to Squall; to those cold blue eyes that seemed to see right through him, and the raw, directionless anger that they always managed to erect deep within him.

Anger that even Seifer didn't understand.

Quite frankly, the young SeeD knew nothing about the brunette except for his profession and his name. He had no idea why he even cared to know more about him in the first place, but he did, and he found that realization rather troublesome.

This wasn't a crush or something puberal like that, was it?

'Fuck no.'

Snorting into his chocobo feather pillow as he flipped onto his stomach, he mentally affirmed himself that he didn't give half a damn about the brunette, not only because he neither had the time nor the energy to care. What was there to care about, anyway? Leonhart was just some random journalist chump that he'd most likely never see again once he'd leave this sorry excuse for a town. Granted, the kid was hot and all, but there were tons of other guys like him, and girls too for that matter.

... Or were there?

'For Hyne's sake, YES! Fuck yes, there are! Now shut the fuck up already and lemme sleep! Goddamned good for nothing brain.'

And indeed, after brute forcing any thought or memory related to Squall into the dim shadows of his mind, Seifer soon dozed off into a light slumber, aroused only periodically by Irvine snoring or talking in his sleep.

Meanwhile, at the other end of town, a lone figure was leaning out of a window and into the night, allowing the cool breeze to catch in the silky strands of his chocolate brown hair and ruffle them silently. He rested his head in the crook of his arms, dark blue eyes screening the indigo skies for nothing at all as he listened to the quiet of his breathing.

He didn't know what was going on. He didn't understand. Three hours of preparing for their trip to Deling City, and he had still found himself incapable of ruling his encounters with the SeeD Seifer Almasy out of his head.

Oh yes, Squall knew perfectly well whom he had been faced with twice that day. The tall, cocky blond SeeD had been on the news countless times; him and his father, Galbadian General Erick Almasy, were something along the lines of "celebrities".

Sighing, Squall closed his eyes and suppressed a fit of shivers that threatened to ripple through his muscles at the chill of the air.

'Why am I even thinking about him? And why am I feeling so... lonely? I don't like this. I don't like this at all. This isn't like me. I don't understand.'

This wasn't the first night that the brunette youth was overcome by a feeling of incompleteness, a feeling that he just didn't belong - to nothing, or nobody. However, he could not remember that the impression had ever been so forceful and crushing in nature. Squall Leonhart wasn't one to pity himself; perhaps he wasn't happy, but his life could have been much worse. After all, he had a purpose, loyal friends and a sister that loved him dearly.

And still...

Something was missing. There was a hole in heart that he had never been able to fill, simply because he didn't know what it would take. Eventually, he had simply grown tired of chasing after shadows of fragile emotions and fragmented childhood memories.

'It's all so pointless. I don't even know what I'm looking for.'

This time, his body did shake. Bristling against the wind, Squall retreated into his room and closed the window, almost hoping that that act would shut out the aching feeling in his chest, too.

It didn't.

"Squall? Sweetie? What are you doing?"

He turned quickly, surprise echoing from the fathomless blue depths of his eyes. It was unusual for anyone to be able to step up to him unnoticed, yet here he was faced with the slender figure of his sister, Ellone, who was unsurely standing in the middle of his bedroom. To her right and left piled magazines, books and a strange array of wires and electronic devices, neatly sorted in an order that she would never understand.

She did understand what the grey duffel bag at the foot of Squall's bed meant, though.

"So... you're really going," she observed quietly.

The brunette shifted uneasily. Cold hearted and careless as he might have seemed or been, seeing the sadness swirl in his older sister's kind eyes always made him falter inwardly. There was no accusation to be read from the fine lines of her beautiful face, but all the same, there was regret.

Regret for the person that he had become.

"Yes, I am," Squall finally replied, casting his gaze to the ground in a display of awkward helplessness. "I have to."

"No," she objected bitterly, shaking her head even though she knew her younger brother could not see the gesture. "No you don't, and neither do Zell or Selphie! This is foolish, Squall!"

He sighed, subconsciously rubbing at the scar on his forehead like he always did when he was stressed and looking for some form of comfort. This right here was probably the most difficult part of his life, and finally looking at Ell's face again surely didn't make him feel any better, either.

Ellone was suffering, and he could hardly take it.

Though the young woman was six years older than Squall, she knew painfully well that she could not stop him, no matter how dearly she wished to be able to. She was sad and she was angry, but most of all, she was worried.

"Some day, someone will get hurt, Squall," she pressed, her voice shaking slightly. "Some day... you won't come back."

"I'll always come back," he tried to assure her, though the uncomfortable edge to his tone and the distant glow in his eyes openly belied that statement.

He could not make her believe what he did not believe in himself.

"Liar," Ell whispered, hurt swaying the word, but she slowly walked up to him and drew him into her arms all the same.

She held him silently, brushing her long fingers through his hair much like she had done when Squall had still been a child - young, innocent and oblivious to the evil that surrounded him. There had been a time when the brunette had actually been careless. When he had been happy.

But Squall was no longer a child, and she knew that he hadn't been happy in a long time.

Maybe part of this was her fault, too. Maybe she should have known better, even if she herself had merely been a child back then, seeking to comfort a small brunette against the greatest of pains he had ever had to endure. She had made a choice back then, over ten years ago, and she could not simply take it back. She was reminded of it every day, painfully so, but today was worse than any day before.

And he had no idea.

"Don't worry, sis," Squall tried clumsily as he slowly backed away from her, trying to force his lips into a reassuring smile. "I'll be fine."

She measured the firmness in his voice silently, revealing it as yet another clumsy attempt at telling her anything just to make her feel better. He was incredibly cute that way, especially since the habit of soothing her didn't fit his general attitude at all. Many would easily mistake Squall for a cold hearted bastard, but Ell and Squall's friends knew better than that.

He was sensible, he was noble, and he was kind. But he would hide those desirable traits beneath an exterior that was hard, distant and unfriendly - always afraid to be moved by anything or anyone without really knowing why.

Hyne, how she blamed herself.

"Sorry I couldn't eat dinner with you tonight," she suddenly broke the silence between them. "Eddy told me you were looking for me."

He shook his head immediately. "It's fine. I know you were busy."

She studied his handsome face very closely, searching it for something very particular, but as usual his arcane features would give away nothing.

"He also said you had a run-in with one of the guests," she continued, the vagueness in her inflection deliberate.

Squall nodded reluctantly, and though a sharp glow came alight in his eyes for only a split second, Ellone caught on it all the same. Yes, there was definitely something different about Squall, just as she had expected.

Just as she had feared.

"Is everything okay now?" she asked, her voice soft and tainted with only a slight trace of woe.

"Yeah."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, he was just a dumb, cocky SeeD," Squall explained reluctantly. "That Seifer Almasy guy is a complete idiot. He doesn't know who I am."

"That's not what I meant, Squall."

He arched his eyebrows, confusion writhing his features to his usual frown as he tried to decipher the pregnant tone to his sister's words. His cover hadn't been blown, him and the "Predators" were safe - what else could possibly be of importance?

"Then what did you mean?" he inquired calmly.

She recognized the faint drizzle of suppressed curiosity to his question, but once again she was conquered by her fears and her shame. This was not the right time to be telling him.

The right time had come to pass years ago.

"I'm not so sure myself..." she murmured, the words trailing off as her expression became blank and distant. "I guess it's nothing. I'm sorry, Squall."

He nodded absent-mindedly, raking his fingers through his hair before placing his hand on his right hip and shifting his weight onto one foot.

"It's late. You should go to bed," he stated matter-of-factly.

Ellone giggled lightly at the brunette's typical seriousness, haphazardly pushing back the shadows that haunted her. Her seventeen year old brother was more grown-up than she would probably ever be, and though that realization came with a bitter aftertaste, she did think that Squall had turned out quite nicely.

"I'm fine, sweetie. I'm off work tomorrow, remember?" she said. "But you have to get up early if your train is leaving at 9:00 in the morning. Wake me up and say good-bye before you leave, okay?"

"I will."

"Okay," she approved with a nod, before placing a kiss on the brunette's forehead. "Be careful, please. I don't want anything to happen to you, Squall, you hear me? Don't take any unnecessary risks."

"I won't."

"Okay..." Ellone sighed, not entirely convinced. "Well, good night then, little brother."

"Good night," he replied chastely.

And while Squall resumed staring into the now black and star strewn skies through the spotless glass of his window, Ellone left the room as quietly as she had entered it, silently praying to Hyne that Squall would have to pay no further for her mistake.

Perhaps, she figured, it was time, after all. Time for her brother to find out what had really happened when he'd been only a child. Time for him to understand.

Perhaps he would be alright, for the first time in ten long years.

Perhaps he would never forgive her for what she had done...

But with greatest certainty, it was way too late for her to turn back.