(Dougie's POV)

I'm terrified! I also hate Angels and Airwaves. What the hell is with the AVA thing? Why can't stupid fucking Tom abbreviate his stupid fucking band like a normally person?

Tom Cruise is pouring wine and tying me to a chair. Where's Danny?

"Care for a drink, my sweet?" asked Tom Cruise.

"Oi! I'm not your fucking sweet and I don't fucking want any shitty wine," I said. "And what about the fact that you're married to Katie Holmes?"

"For publicity." Mental note: tell Harry that Katie is technically single so he can seduce her.

"Do you need mood music, dude?" asked Tom DeLonge.

"Great idea, dude," said Tom Cruise, totally missing the mark on the dude thing. Seriously, I'm English, and I knew he fucked that up. Whoa, I'm really f-word happy today.

NO!! THEY TURNED ON ANGELS AND AIRWAVES! THIS IS A HORRIBLE FORM OF TORTURE!

(Mark's POV)

Running around with this Danny dude is kind of annoying. We can't find the poor little bassist! I mean – we can't find my boyfriend who is not really my boyfriend.

"Mate, let's got down this hallway!" yelled the British one.

"Dude, how are we going to find anything?"

"Just do it! I need my bassist!"

The hallway way kind of dark, so while I was rushing around, I ran into a chair and heard an "ow" and an "oh, shit, they've found me!"

Luckily, I had a flashlight down my pants (for no particular reason; it was just there), so I flashed it and saw Tom Cruise trying to undo Dougie's pants and my old bandmate Tom triumphantly playing Angels and Airwaves. And I thought torture wasn't legal anymore…

So I decided to pull an awesome move, and kicked both Toms in the face. Cruise ran off to fix his "beautiful face," as he called it, and DeLonge got scared and soiled himself, and ran off.

"Doug, this is your pretend new boyfriend, Mark Hoppus," said Danny, grinning at Dougie.

"Mate, this rocks! But, mate," he said, looking at me now, "won't you get in trouble with your girlfriend?"

"Ptch," I replied. "She puts up with all my other shit. This is pretty tame compared to what I did last month."

"Okay, let's got find Orlando Bloom," said Danny, clapping his hands together.

(Danny's POV)

Mr. sold-his-penis-for-girly-looks was sitting around a coffee table by himself, crying his eyes out over his lost love.

"My Dougie!" he yelled, trying to run up and molest him.

"Sorry, girl man, this is my boyfriend," said Mark, slipping his hand down Dougie's back pocket.

"Yeah, well, let's see a kiss," said Orlando. Whoa, that is a WEIRD name to say all the time. I mean, wouldn't he get real annoyed with how pretentious it is? (Note to self: find out what pretentious means)

Mark smiled and so did Dougie, so they did it, and, I must say, they looked quite a bit like a couple.

But now I think it would've been more sensible if I had been Dougie's boyfriend. Then we wouldn't have had to go through this whole ordeal of getting Mark and everything. Then I would've gotten to snog him. Wait, what? Never mind.

(Mark's POV)

Man, it is fun to get into fake gayness! This is better than teaching the kids curse words. I am so gonna tell Skye to pretend to be someone's girlfriend. It's kind of a rush to lie like this.

"I can't believe you'd betray me like this, Douglas!" screamed Orlando in a womanly way.

"We were never together," said Dougie, disbelieving Orlando's stupidity.

"We were meant to be in fate!"

"Tell you what. Get yourself a real dick, then we'll talk."

"But I sold it to a transsexual for good looks!"

"Well, deal with it."

Finally, the era of fear and Dougie getting molested by creepy celebrities is over! But probably not, because he is cute, for a guy.

(Justin Timberlake's POV)

So I was lying to the press about my sexuality again (dude, I'm totally gay, I just don't want anyone to know) when I saw this totally hot, blue eyed boy walk past us with a bass on his back. Mm…I soooo dig bassists. My dream man is Mark Hoppus. My heart totally belongs to him.

Anyway, I was watching the cute bassist boy, whom I recognized from the Green Day show (I used whom? How weird is that?) for some reason, when I saw who was walking next to him.

OH EM GEE!! IT'S MARK HOPPUS! I THINK I'M IN LOVE!! Wait…I already said that. Whatever. Life moves!

"MAAAAARK!" I squealed, running past the press people toward him. "Mark my beloved."

"Dude, I'm taken," he said. Of course, he was lying, but that's ok. He's just playing hard to get.

"By who? That's Skye chick? I can do so much more for you, babe."

"Um…oooo-kaaaaaaay. No. This is my boyfriend." He turned to the cute bassist boy. "What's your name again?"

"Dougie."

"This is my boyfriend, Dougie," he introduced. "Dougie, this is my stalker, Justin Timberlake."

"Dougie," I asked, began, "I understand that you're really hot and all, but why are you TOUCHING my Marky-poo?"

"Uh…I don't think your Marky-poo appreciates his new pet name. And you're ugly. So go 'way." He kissed Mark and they stormed off in a huff

WAIT!! DID HE JUST CALL ME UGLY! THIS IS A CATASTROPHY! WHERE IS MY HAIRSTYLIST? WHERE IS THE GIRL WHO PICKS MY CLOTHES! HEEEELP!

(Danny's POV)

So the press sneaked up behind Mark and Dougie when they weren't looking, and when they kissed, they all snapped photos. Luckily, we didn't find out until the next day, when Mark's wife called the hotel we were all staying at. Weird how we all ended up in the same hotel.. She was on speaker so we could hear too.

"Skye? What's up hon?"

"Not much, I just wanted to tell you, you're in the papers again."

"Oh? What for?"

"Having a boyfriend." I waited for her to get mad, but instead, all she said was, "Who's the lucky guy?"

"Dougie. From that movie with the whore in it. He was the bassist in that band that I had actually met years ago, but then saw again in the movie and thought was fictional."

"Are they fictional?"

"No. Pretty rad, right?"

"Yeah. Listen, I'd like it if you stayed a one-person man, if that's ok. I don't want Jack's babysitter to ask me about you tonight when she comes over."

"All right. All right," He whined. "I'll be good. Just let me find another fake boyfriend for him."

"Love you sweetheart."

"Love you too. Bye."

He hung up and looked around. Then he pointed at me. "I VOLUNTEER YOU TO BE DOUGIE'S FAKE BOYFRIEND!" He exclaimed. "Have fun with it!"

What? I'm confused.

"DOUGIE!" Mark called. Uh-oh, this can't be good. "Dougie, you have a new boyfriend."

"What? Who?"

"Him," Mark said, pointing at me.

(Dougie's POV)

SEE! I knew he wanted me. I sooooooo new he wanted me. And now we're dating. HA! Victory for me!

Suddenly, there was a knock at the window. I opened it to find a note. The note said (in this handwriting and spelling):

Dugee. I no wear u r and I no wear u sleep. Meat me in the parc and the pritee boy dusnt get hert. 3 Tom

And I was confused, because Tom's handwriting is much, much prettier than that. He seriously writes like a girl. And his spelling is better than that too. So who was it? Of course, it couldn't be the Tom who kidnapped me? That would be silly. And also, who was the pretty boy? I saw Tom this morning, and I just saw Mark a second ago, and Danny…disappeared randomly. But it couldn't be Danny, so I'd better figure out who this pretty boy is. Or pritee. Whatever. So the extremely intelligent idea would be to go to the park and find out. Or the parc. Whatever.