Disclaimer : Bleach and all song titles and lyrics belong to their respective owners
Warning : Angst, Trauma, Dead People
Note : Although nobody's mentioned by name yet, you will know those that have been killed off
Dedication : To the show 24 and its lovely influence on this fic. We were going through a 24 marathon of seasons 1 thru 5 when I was writing these chapters. If you watch the show, you probably have some idea of what it's made me do XD;;
Candy Cane : 7 : Butterfly
Butterfly - open your mind, open your eyes. Prepare your senses as the sound excels, the next generation of angst unveiled, and spreads like cancer through these jaded cells. Infect me, let me crash and bleed. I can feel the sickness flowing through my veins, down my system and attack the seed. Now you can have my pleasure if you'll take my pain. Lifeless eyes, can you see through the plastic? Like fucking myself when my hands are cold. Dedication's never been the problem, but you say the words and I'm hard as stone. Now I see the clock reverse, don't you know? The pain gets worst the further back you go. Your own regret's gonna swallow you whole. Now brace yourself, come on, brace yourself!
The process took maybe five minutes – the longest five minutes of Renji's life. When Ichigo had subsided into nothing but tears, Renji took his hand away, letting him breath. Ichigo shifted and buried his face into Renji's robes.
"Wh-what…am I…" Ichigo tried to choke out, his voice hoarse and strained.
"Don't talk right now," Renji said softly before pressing his lips to the top of Ichigo's head.
The boy simply burst into tears again.
His crying lasted for the better part of an hour before he passed out. Renji gathered him up and laid him on the futon before laying down with him, holding him close for the third night in a row.
He was running through the barren landscape again. The dead shinigami weren't faceless anymore – he could see them clearly. He could say their names. With every face he encountered, he could only run faster. But it wasn't fast enough – it wasn't fast enough to escape seeing their faces. And each new face was more painful for him than the last.
Finally, at the last dead shinigami, he collapsed to his knees, crying helplessly.
"What am I gonna do? They're all…gone… What the hell am I gonna do?!"
Strong arms wrapped around him but he didn't jump in surprise. He knew who it was.
"What…am I supposed to do, Renji?" he asked softly before tears overtook him again.
"Ichii… Ichigo, wake up," Renji said softly in his ear.
Ichigo's eyes slid open, his vision blurred by tears. "Ren…ji…"
"Calm down – you're dehydrated," he said, letting him go to get up.
Ichigo turned and grabbed his wrist. "Where're you going?"
"To get you some water and something to eat."
"Don't…"
"Ichii, I'll be right back. You need to drink something besides sake, and you look like crap."
He slowly let his wrist go and settled back down. "Alright…"
Renji got up and left the room. He came back half a minute later with a bottle of water and a chocolate bar. Ichigo hadn't moved.
"Come on, sit up," Renji said, tapping his back with the bottle.
Ichigo silently obeyed and took the bottle from him. He drank half of it in one go.
"You feeling any better?"
"I feel…empty. And sick."
"It's going to get worse before it gets better."
"How can it get worse than this?"
"The nightmares, the flashbacks – everything's going to get worse."
He closed his eyes and nodded slowly.
Renji set the chocolate on the boy's leg. "Eat."
Ichigo opened his eyes and looked at it before smiling slightly. "Thanks…" he said, opening it. He ate a piece and offered some to Renji. "You don't look so hot, either."
Renji smirked and took some. "I'm sorry we had to do this to you…"
"No… I'm glad. It'll get better, right? I'll be fine…"
"Eventually, yeah. You should be."
"Should be?"
"War changes people, Ichii. You're not gonna be completely the same."
"I don't care about being the same – I know I'm not going to be. That's just…not possible. I just… I just don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't…want to feel empty."
Renji gave him a small smile and gently ruffled his hair. "Hopefully we'll fix that…"
Ichigo looked into his eyes for a long moment before moving forward and pressing his lips against Renji's. The redhead's eyes widened a bit in surprise and he pulled back gently, placing a finger against Ichigo's lips. "Ichigo…"
"Renji, please…" he pleaded, his brown eyes filled with pain and fear – a desperation entitled to the lost and broken.
"No," he said gently but firmly. "I can't let you do something you might regret."
Anger and indignation found their way into his eyes. "What the hell, Renji?! You can do whatever the fuck you want with me, but I'm not allowed to do shit on my own?!"
"I didn't mean—" He stopped and shook his head. "You're right. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that before, but this is different. I know what you think you want, and hell, if you weren't my friend, I'd give it to you. But the fact is you are my friend – my best friend – and I can't—I won't hurt you like that. It'd be really fucked up if I took advantage of you, even if you say you don't care or that you want me to. You're in a world of pain and you're looking for a distraction to make it go away, but what you're trying to get from me will only make it worse."
"What if it doesn't?" Ichigo's voice was soft and timid – a sound rather foreign to both of them. He wasn't looking at Renji anymore, and the anger and indignation had faded, leaving him looking lost and scared. "What if…it does make it better?"
"It's that 'what if' that's why we shouldn't try. There's no reason to push that boundary."
Ichigo sighed and shifted to lean against the man. He was starting to understand where Renji was coming from, and what his hopelessness was trying to drive him to do. He was right – this wasn't right. No matter how much he thought he wanted it, he didn't need it. He needed a friend, and that's what Renji was trying to be. "Sorry…" he said softly.
"It's not your fault," Renji said, wrapping his arm around him and nuzzling the orange hair. "It's just a mistake we all want to make, but it's not something you need to deal with right now."
"I still don't know what to do…"
"Right now, you just have to do what I told you before – go with it. Go with everything. Cry, scream, laugh – do whatever. Just don't try to fight it or hide it or make it go away, because you'll just end up doing something stupid and making it worse."
He nodded slowly, recalling what Shirosaki had said before. "Things aren't going to go away if I suppress them, ignore them, or pretend they aren't real," he recited softly. "He's right…I am stupid."
Renji got the gist of who Ichigo was talking about. "You're not stupid, you're just young."
"I'm almost nineteen," he tried to argue, but he was getting drowsy again.
"Compared to the rest of us, you're still a baby," Renji chided softly.
He gave a short laugh. "The baby war vet, huh?" He winced, his head starting to pound.
Renji caught the small movement and shifted back, letting Ichigo lay across his lap. He ran his fingers through the orange hair, gently massaging his scalp. "Yeah, the baby war vet," he echoed with a soft smile.
Ichigo relaxed against him and let his eyes slip closed. "Renji?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm glad you're here," he said quietly before allowing sleep to overtake him.
Renji allowed himself a genuine smile. "Yeah, I'm glad I'm here, too," he agreed, just as quiet.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Song Title and Lyrics: Reveille "Butterfly"
(Note: Unlike most songs I've used, this one I don't recommend listening to unless you like screamo. I'm only using it because the lyrics fit, but it's not a lovely song – IMO, of course. No offense to anybody who actually likes the song. And I have nothing against the band, but a better song of theirs is "What You Got" XD)
Words: 1153
Total: 14468
