The months had passed quickly. Joan had officially received notice from her doctor that labor could come any day now. She was already a week overdue. Upon hearing the news, Michael had officially released her from her duties and given her maternity leave. Bored out of her mind for the past two days of "maternity leave," Joan now sat in the new nursery looking around for something anything to do. She and Roland had painted the walls a bright blue and trimmed them with yellow border. The crib, decorated with a bright yellow crib set, sat in the center of the room waiting for its new occupant. Beneath it was a beautiful hand made rug given from Denise to the baby. In the corner sat a new wooden bassinet with yellow bedding compliments of Mark and Olivia, it was awaiting the arrival of the newest Burton. In the other corner by the small window was a beautiful oak rocking chair that had been passed down from generation to generation in the Burton family. Mark and Olivia, the previous owners, had it shipped down for the baby. Catherine had made a handmade blanket that now lay folded across the back of the chair. All of the clothes, most of which Joan got at one of her three baby showers, were hung systematically in the closet; the blankets were folded neatly in the top dresser drawer, onesies, socks, and bibs were in their respective drawers. The diapers, wipes, and ointments were all in place on the new changing table. Above the changing table hung a portrait of teddy bears in the spring having a picnic this was a gift from Pamela. Claudia Joy and Michael had given them diaper service for a year. The furnishings in the room were completed by the addition of the baby swing given to them by Roxy. She swore to Joan that it would be her new best friend. Roxy had laughed as she told the story of how often little Fin rocked back and forth in his swing. Everything was in order just as Joan liked it. Joan sat down in the rocker and took in the scene. She smiled as her eyes caught a glimpse of the tiny baseball bat and cap Roland had bought last week for the baby. He insisted that he did not care if the baby was a boy or girl as long as it was healthy. He argued that he had only gotten the bat and cap just in case. Joan couldn't help responding that little girls played baseball too.
Olivia was scheduled to arrive the next day to wait for the baby's arrival. She would be staying for two weeks to help Joan until Catherine arrived. Joan's older sister was also coming for a short visit. With all of the mothers in the family and Denise, Claudia Joy, Roxy, and Pamela fighting to help her, Joan wondered if she would even get to hold her own baby before he was three. Joan glanced down at her watch 3:00. She had another hour before she had to meet Roland at his therapy session. She had been going with him as often as she could since he had begun two months earlier. She never went in the office with him, but she was always there in case he ever wanted to invite her in or in case he needed her. He had never invited her in, but he always seemed relieved to see her sitting waiting for him when he was done. The therapy seemed to be helping him. He was sleeping much better and his moods seemed to have stabilized. He had been offered the chance to return to his duties at the hospital but had decided against it until he could better deal with himself. Roland's philosophy was he was no good to his patients if he was no good to himself. He had agreed however to work on a part time basis with the young interns and residents at the hospital. From time to time he consulted on patients suffering from PTSD his area of expertise. Joan took comfort in the fact that he was somewhat reemerging himself in life on post. He seemed happier; happier than he had been before. The phone rang down the hall. Joan was about to call for Roland to answer it when she remembered he was at the hospital today. She hurried as much as she could hurry down the hall. Instantly she recognized the voice on the other end. "I almost hung up. What took you so long to answer the phone?" Joan laughed, "You are just Mister Funny today. I believe that it is your son or daughter adding twenty pounds to my perfect body weight keeping me from moving faster." It was Roland's turn to laugh. "So how is my baby's mama today? You were asleep when I left this morning and I didn't want to wake you." "I appreciate the consideration. I am thankful whenever I can get two hours of sleep together with a bathroom break or a swift kick from this baby line backer." There was a long pause on the line. Finally Joan spoke, "Honey, is everything o.k.? You are still on for your appointment with Doctor Ralph at four?" "Oh yeah," Roland spoke up quickly, "Umm actually that's what I called to ask about. Are you coming today?" Joan thought this was a strange question for him to ask. She had only missed one of his weekly appointments in the two months that he had been going. "Sure Roland, of course I'm coming. Do you want me to come?" There was a long pause Joan was just about to speak when Roland answered. "I want you to come in today. There are some things that we need to discuss and I think Dr. Ralph can help us communicate better." Joan didn't know if she liked how this was going. Things had been so good lately, or at least she thought. What could Roland possibly want to discuss that required the intervention of a doctor? "Joan, are you still there?" The sound of Roland's voice brought her back to consciousness. "Yes, I'm here and I'll see you at four. I need to make a bathroom run." "O.k., see you at four." The truth was Joan needed to get off the phone before she cracked. Roland's tone had put her on edge. She had the same foreboding feeling that she had when Roland had first returned home. They had come so far since then. Was her whole world about to crumble around her again? She looked at her watch; she had less than forty- five minutes to find out.
Roland sat outside of Dr. Ralph's office waiting for Joan. He felt anxious about his session today. He had been meeting with Dr. Ralph for weeks now and had disclosed more to him than he had to anyone. Both he and the doctor had decided that it was time for Joan to take part in their sessions. There were some issues that Roland felt needed to be dealt with before the baby came. He had tried discussing some of these issues with Joan off and on over the past months. Usually, she dismissed anything serious that he said and begin talking about the baby or anything to change the subject. Roland just needed a forum to clear the air. He felt this was important for their life to get back to normal.
Joan sat in the parking lot composing herself. She had been trying so hard to make everything work with Roland. She thought she had been doing a good job. She was home every night by six. She cooked dinner at night and made breakfast in the morning. She had completely dedicated herself to her marriage and to Roland. What more did her want from her? A tear escaped her eyes. She quickly brushed it away; she was fighting to hold it together. "I hate being pregnant!" she voiced out loud. "My hormones are so off that I can't keep it together." There was a light tap on her window. She turned and was startled to find Roland standing there. She took a quick breath and put on her best face. Getting out of the car, she gave Roland a quick peck on his cheek. "Joan, where you crying?" was his immediate response. Joan recovered in a flash. "Yes, I was. Stupid commercial on the radio made me cry." Roland looked at her with apprehension. "I came out to look for you, because you were running late. Dr. Ralph is waiting for us. Are you sure that you are alright? You're never late." Joan rubbed her stomach absently. It had been hurting her a little all day. "I'm sorry I'm late. I just can't seem to move fast enough these days." Roland let out a light- hearted laugh. "It's fine Joan. It wasn't a judgment. It's only 4:00 right now. I just know you early is on time and on time is late." He grabbed her hand and lead her into the lobby of the doctor's building. They walked hand in hand to Dr. Ralph's office. Just as they were about to enter the waiting area, Joan stopped short. Roland turned to look at her. "Roland, wait a minute." Roland looked at Joan and immediately looked at her overly swollen belly. "What is it Joan? Is it the baby?" Joan hesitated for a minute. A false labor could certainly get her out of this. Her better judgment took over, and she decided against that. "No Roland, come down. It is not time yet. I want to tell you something before we go in." Roland glanced at his watch. "What is it?" Joan inhaled deeply. "I just wanted to tell you that I love you and no matter what happens today, I will always love you." "I love you too Joan," Roland replied. "Now can we go in?"
Dr. Ralph sat patiently at his desk awaiting their arrival. He smiled and rose to greet them as they entered his office. "Well, if it isn't two of my favorite patients. Joan, Roland please come in and have a seat." Joan took a seat in the chair nearest the door while Roland settled in on the couch beside her. "Well Joan, can't be long now. How much longer until the baby comes?" "The doctor says it can be any day now. I am getting so big that any day can't come soon enough for me." Dr. Ralph chuckled, "My wife was the same when we had our first. She was two weeks overdue and miserable. A good friend of ours gave us a sure fire way to make the baby come." "Oh yeah, what was that," asked Roland. "Good old fashioned s-e-x. It is a sure fire way to get labor started. My wife and I have used it with all three of our kids." Joan and Roland exchanged nervous glances though neither of them spoke. Dr. Ralph intuitively responded, "So the two of you are still not having sex?" Neither Roland nor Joan responded and the silence gave Dr. Ralph his answer. "Roland, we talked about this over a month ago. An integral part of every healthy marriage is a good and healthy sex life. You promised me that you would work on it." Joan turned to look at Roland who was now looking intently at the print on his tie. Roland did not look up or speak. Dr. Ralph continued, "Roland is there a reason that you are not interested in sex with Joan?" Joan now sat perched on the edge of her chair. In the three months that she and Roland had been back together they had only made love once. In the beginning, she had not wanted to pressure him, so she had just let it go. She naturally assumed that the more readjusted and comfortable that they became that the sex would return naturally to the relationship. After a while they got so busy with planning for the baby that it just wasn't much of an issue. Joan had to admit that in recent weeks her sex drive had increased more and more, yet she couldn't bring herself to make the first move. She had already made that mistake with Roland,and she didn't plan on repeating it. She glanced over at Roland who now sat trapped like a deer caught in headlights. He neither moved nor spoke. She reached out for him to offer a little comfort and support. She was shocked when Roland pulled away. She immediately dropped her hand and slid back in her chair. "Do you see now what I was telling you about?" For the first time in long minutes Roland spoke. He looked directly at Dr. Ralph. Dr. Ralph leaned back in his own chair. "Roland why don't you try telling Joan what" you told me." Joan put on her bravest face and tried again. She reached for Roland's hand. "Honey whatever you want to tell me; I'm listening." Roland pulled away for a second time. "Joan can you please stop doing that!" "Doing what," Joan asked innocently. "That, what you are doing right now. Using that pacify poor crazy Roland voice." Joan sat looking astonished. "Roland, what is wrong with you? Why are you acting like this?" Roland took a deep breath and rose and walked to the window. He was trying to collect his thoughts. "Joan I want you to stop. I want you to stop treating me like I'm your baby and start treating me like your husband. I am not crazy. I am not going to crack if I don't get my way." Joan sat looking confused. "Honey, no one thinks you are crazy." Roland walked back to his seat on the couch. "You see Joan that is what I am talking about. We have been married for almost ten years and I count on one hand the number of times you have called me honey. It has always been Roland just Roland. Now all of a sudden every other word is honey, sweetheart, or baby." Roland braced himself for what he would say next. "I want things to go back to normal. I want us to just be Joan and Roland again and not this façade of the perfect happy couple." Joan was blown away by his passion. She had been trying so hard over the past months to be loving, compassionate, and accommodating. She was breaking her neck to be the type of wife that she thought Roland wanted and needed. But what was he saying now? Had she done all of this for nothing? "Hon, I'm sorry Roland, I thought this was what you wanted. I thought you wanted me to pay you more attention and." She looked away in exhaustion. "Joan I do want your attention, but I married you. I married you for who you are. I love you for who you are. I don't want you to be anyone else." He kneeled directly in front of her on the carpet and took her hand in his. "Do you remember why we do this?" Joan looked at him very confused and tired. "Why we do what Roland?" "You know Joan. Why do we always hold hands as a sign of affection?" Joan let out a sigh. "Don't you remember Joan? When we first got married, in fact, it was my first week on post as your husband. You were standing talking to some of the guys in your unit. I think maybe you were giving orders or something. I walked right up to you and not thinking kissed you squarely on the lips. I didn't think anything was wrong with it. We were newlyweds. We had only been back from our honeymoon for a couple of days. Do you remember what you did Joan?" A small stream of tears had begun to pour from Joan's eyes. "Yes, I remember." Roland continued. "At the time, I thought it was the cruelest thing that had ever been said in my life. You looked at me squarely and said 'Dr. Burton, the post medical center is that way. I'll see you later.' You just walked away and never looked back. I was livid all day. Remember Joan?" Joan let out a small laugh through her tears. "Yes Roland, I remember. I remember how bad I felt. I remember calling you all day and you never answering the phone. I remember thinking that my marriage was over before it even got started good." It was Roland's turn to laugh. "I was pretty mad at you. But what I remember is what happened when we both got home that night. I was mad and ready to argue, but you were calm and very logical. You told me that on post you always had to be Major Burton. You had to be a pillow of stoic strength for the guys under your command." "But at home I would just be Joan your wife," Joan interrupted. "That's what you said," continued Roland, "we also came up with the hand system. It was our own little way of showing affection without you losing face. A squeeze means I love you, a rub means are you alright? This worked for me. Other people thought that you were cold and insensitive, but I knew that you were just trying to do your job and still be a good wife." "That is all I ever wanted," replied Joan "just to be able to do my job well and be a good wife to you." "Joan the best way for you to be a good wife to me is to be you. I don't want you trying to be anyone else. You are not Olivia or my mother, and I don't expect you to be either of them. I just want you to be the Joan I married." Joan sat reflecting on the past couple of months. She had wanted so desperately to prove to Roland that she could be the person he wanted her to be. In the past months, she had done many things that were not her at all. She had been so desperate to keep Roland happy that she had tried to become someone that she was not. She loved Roland and the thought that he could leave her again was unimaginable. On the first night of his return, she had decided that she would do whatever it took to hold on to him. If Roland wanted a wife that was more like his sister then that was who Joan would become. She had never realized that in her zeal to be the perfect wife she had isolated herself from the person that she was trying to get closer to. She looked at Roland. He looked pleased with himself. Joan knew how difficult it was for Roland to express his own feelings most of the time. He was a brilliant doctor that could help any patient. He was one of the most patient people that she had ever known. His one fatal flaw was his inability to acknowledge his own feelings. Roland, the great healer, could help everyone but himself. "Wow," she said looking at Roland "I know that was really hard for you. I'm proud of you for finally admitting how you really feel. I guess expressing our true feelings to each other is something we need to work on." "I guess so," said Roland. Dr. Ralph who had been quiet this entire time suddenly spoke up. "When I first start to see each of you, I didn't know if this relationship could be salvaged. There were so many years of suppressed feelings that I wondered if the two of you could break through the wall that had slowly formed between you. Today, you have proven that you can and you are each willing to do the work that it will take to make your marriage a success." "We, I mean I really want this marriage to work Dr. Ralph," Joan responded. Dr. Ralph gave her a knowing nod. "Failure is not an option for us," added Roland "we have everything to lose by separating. I can't lose Joan. I love her too much." Roland and Joan gave each other a knowing look. Joan reached out and gave Roland's hand a tender squeeze. Roland responded with a squeeze of his own.
Later that evening Joan and Roland lay watching the early news in bed. "This is depressing. I hate watching coverage of the war. I am always praying that it's not a soldier that we know whose name is called as one of the injured or dead." Joan looked up from the "Maternity Magazine" that she had been reading. She hated discussing the war with Roland mainly because it usually led to an argument. She swallowed hard cleared her throat and decided to change the subject. "This magazine says that." "I thought we agreed that we weren't going to do that anymore," interrupted Roland. "Do what?" Joan asked innocently. "You know what," Roland answered with a sheepish grin "we are not going to not discuss things just because one or both of us might become angry. What did you want to say about the war?" "Roland, let's just drop it." Roland turned over in the bed and reached to turn off his bed side lamp. He settled himself on his side of the bed and called over his shoulder "Good night Joan. I'll see you in the morning." Joan catching the tone in his voice spoke. "Soldiers dying and getting hurt is all part of the job that we signed on for. It is very sad when we lose a comrade in battle, but it is also a moment of pride in knowing that that soldier gave his or her life to protect the greater good." "Thank you," Roland said as he rolled over to face her. "Why exactly are you thanking me?" Roland propped himself up on his arm. "I am thanking you Mrs, Burton for telling me how you really feel and not just agreeing with me for peace sake." "Well then, you are welcomed," responded Joan. The two lay looking at each other for a moment. Joan laid her magazine to the side and stroked Roland gently on his cheek. "You know you really are the most important person in my life." Roland laughed. "Well, I guess I am for the next couple of days at least." "Oh Roland," Joan said with a laugh "are you jealous of the baby already. All the magazines and books say that your feelings of abandonment shouldn't start until after the baby is born." She laughed and tapped him lightly on the shoulder. "After the baby is born," Roland thought out loud. "Hey Joan, how about we try Dr. Ralph's method of hurrying along labor?" Joan looked at Roland in shock. "Are you serious? Do you really want to right now?" "I'm game if you are." Joan pulled in closer to Roland. "You just don't know how long I have been waiting to hear you say that." Slowly, each leaned in for a kiss that was the prelude to the best sex that they had had since Joan's return from Afghanistan.
Joan lay running her fingers up and down Roland's bare chest. She was trying to be careful not to wake him, but secretly she hoped he would wake. She longed to be with him again. Last night had brought back memories of nights very early in their marriage. Nights where they never slept instead they spent hours wrapped in the warmth of their love. Roland as if on cue opened his eyes and grinned. "What are you so happy about?" asked Joan. Roland without saying a word reached over and pulled her into an embrace. With that one simple gesture the excitement and pleasure of the night before begin all over again.
When Roland finally awoke for the morning, Joan still lay sleeping beside him. He was careful not to wake her as he removed himself from the bed. He decided to let her sleep in for once. He showered and dressed quickly and went downstairs to prepare breakfast. As he waited for Joan to wake, Claudia Joy, Roxy, Denise, and Pamela all called asking if Joan showed any signs of going into labor. Roland had to promise each of them that he would call them when the time came. It was good to have great friends on post he thought as he sat reading the morning paper. He was so engrossed in an article about a local murder trail that he neither saw nor heard Joan when she entered the room. "Roland did you hear me?" Her voice dragged his thoughts from the paper. "Joan, come sit down. I made you breakfast." Joan spoke with an impatient urgency in her voice. "I'll pass on the breakfast and settle for a ride to the hospital. Roland, my water just broke."
