It was on Yule when Peeta and Christina were to be married. (Peeta wanted it on Christmas, but Christina decided she wanted to "be born with the Sun"). Everyone of their relatives and friends were invited, but, since they were a couple of cheap people, they decided the wedding reception would be a potluck. (Actually, any readers out there who have opinions on this sort of thing, would a potluck reception for a wedding be a bad idea? Or does it have some good frugality to it?)

Tris was going to be the maid of honor, of course, because she and Christina were, like, totes BFFs. Peeta couldn't quite figure out who he wanted as best man, though, since the guys he was living with all creeped him out a bit too much.

"Why not Gale?" Christina asked. "You've known him a while."

"Gale?!" Peeta was appalled. "He's a murderer! Also, he was my rival during mating season for a while, so him as best man would awkward me out."

"What about Peter?"

"I like him and all, but he always glares at me, because of when Katniss and I were a thing."

"Eustace?"

"He's married to his cousin, which is so totally a step away from Lannister! It sends the shivers up and down my spine!"

"Caleb?"

"That back-stabbing executioner?!"

"Will?"

"He broke your heart, which only makes me want to beat him up."

"How about Four?"

"He's so stern, and always seems to want to attack me…"

Eventually, they decided upon Haymitch being the best man, because he and Peeta had been roommates ever since the Panemian Revolutionary War. Of course, Haymitch said he'd be best man only if he was allowed to wear his "wicked rocker outfit" to the wedding.

They decided upon Dumbledore to officiate the wedding. Of course, he was so thrilled that those young'uns asked him, and was willing and able to get them blissfully married.

"But Christina," he said, "will your father be there? Who's going to give you away?"

"Ah, he'll show up." Christina scratched her nose carelessly. "He loves weddings and funerals, because they remind him that happiness can't truly last."

Everyone came for the wedding, which was held in the Seam's tiny, old, rickety, church with black mold on the walls. All of the hobbits were sitting in the front row, with pompoms and megaphones, cheering on their friends in cheerful support. Johanna was sitting near them, with Will and Caleb next to her. Both Will and Caleb kept pointing at her and whispering to each other.

During the middle of the vows, Johanna got so fed up that she stood on her pew, and shouted, "Could you two stop staring and talking all clandestinely?! If you think I'm pretty, tell me! If not, keep your stankin' mouths shut!"

Both boys blushed beet red.

Dumbledore inquired, "Are we going to be having a double wedding? Which of those fine young men do you choose?"

Johanna thought, then said, "I can't stand either of them. I would rather marry Frodo."

Frodo stood up on the pew, and looked straight up into Johanna's eyes.

"You really like me?" he asked. "Because… I've had the biggest crush on you ever since I met you. You're like the Peggy Eaton to my Andrew Jackson."

"You're not like Andrew Jackson," Johanna said. "You respect women and people of other races too much, which is why I like you."

"Johanna Leopold Mason," Frodo said, "will you please marry me?"

Johanna grabbed Frodo by the hand, helped him off the pew, and led him up to the altar, where Christina and Peeta were standing. Peeta was smiling, because he was a push-over and was okay with people drawing the attention away from him on his wedding day. Christina, though, was totes peeved. How dare that Mason lady steal her spotlight?!

Dumbledore kept saying the vows.

Finally, he got to the part where he said, "Does anyone object to these marriages?"

A voice from the back of the church, out of the sanctuary, out past the holy water, and out in the entrance hallway, shouted, "I object to the marriage of my daughter Christina to the tortured artist baker fellow!"

Into the church sanctuary walked Lord Voldemort himself.

"Voldemort!" Dumbledore shouted. "So, at last, we meet again!"

Voldemort said, "I wish for my daughter Christina to marry a man of greater status!"

"But, Daddy!" Christina said, happy that the attention was back on her. "Peeta is a Victor from both the seveenty-foorth and seffenty-fivth Hunger Games, so he is technically indentured royalty over here. Added to that, he almost got married to Katniss Everdeen herself, which makes his status go up even higher."

"But, Christina!" Voldemort pleaded. "Don't you wish to marry my godson, Draco Malfoy, better known as Delly Cartwright?"

"I can't stand Draco! His breath smells like rotting meat!"

"That's because he's the Reaver which bit the tongue off of Captain Malcolm Reynolds, sexiest captain alive next to Captain Kirk with his new toupee."

Christina was shocked.

"You don't say?" she inquried.

Dumbledore said, "Voldemort, dear, the reason you don't want Christina to get married is because you never got the wedding of your dreams."

"The wedding of my dreams would be any wedding in which my true love, Gorse, would get married to me."

Gorse stood up onto her pew.

"You mean you wanna marry me?!" she hollered. "Let's make this a triple wedding!"

She walked up to the altar with Voldemort.

So, all three happy couples got married. They were so happy.

During the reception, Caleb and Will snuck off, out into the woods.

"Oh, Will!" Caleb said. "I can't believe this night! The stars shine almost as brightly as your eyes, and… this mountain we stand on breathes like air flowing through your nasal cavity from your lungs."

Will sighed, saying, "That's so romantic, my love. I wish I could be with you for forever, but… there are some things you'll soon find out about."

"Like what?"

Lucy was walking through the woods just then, with Eustace. They were hand-in-hand, smiling at each other. But, their faces went downcast when they noticed the sorrow upon the visages of Caleb and Will.

"I know Will's secret," Lucy said. "He's not a Son of Adam… He's a faun."

Caleb gasped.

"It's true," Lucy said. "He's Mr. Tumnus's nephew."

Just then, through the woods ran Gale. He was foaming at the mouth, and his gray eyes were like those of a madman.

He rushed towards Eustace, biting his neck so hard that it broke.

"No!" screamed Lucy. She picked up a large stick that was lying on the ground, and beat Gale across the head with it until he got knocked out. She then knelt by her husband.

"Oh, Lucy," Eustace said, with his dying breath (because, sometimes neck breaking has processible results, sort of like GMOs). "Please, my love, tell me you'll take care of yourself, and Jacob and Esau. I loved them as if they were my own children, and they more than made up for my sterility."

"I love you, Eustace," Lucy said, giving him a smooch across the lips.

"Adieu, ma cherie." Eustace then breathed his last.

Just then, the Tardis appeared from out of thin air.

"Oh, lookee!" the Doctor said, stepping out of the Tardis. "Useless Eustace is dead. Hey, Lucy, wanna come with me?"

"Why not?" Lucy asked herself. She rushed into the Tardis, saying, "So long, boys! Male lovers come and go, but the Tardis is always there for you!"

"But what about us?" Caleb asked. "We want to see all of space and time, too!"

Amy stuck her head out of the Tardis.

"We'll be sure to send postcards, in that case," she said. "Come along, Lucy. Once we do away with the Doctor, and once we find some of our gal pals, this Tardis will only be home for the 'verse's finest females, like Chicken Lark."

To make a long story short, Jacob and Esau lived on the Tardis with Lucy, Amy, and their gal pals. Jacob, though, was kicked out once he reached puberty. He went to live with the Doctor, who lived all alone in a hobbit hole with Bilbo. Peter and Katniss then adopted Jacob, who later got an internship with Caleb and Will studying poisonous creatures in Australia. Johanna and Frodo had seventeen hairy-toed children, all brunettes except for the one blonde (who received a Ph.D in physics) and the one redhead (who won the Nobel Peace Prize). Prim and Rory were reunited upon death in Avalon, and Susan and Gale were reunited upon death in the Telestial Level of Heaven. Gorse and Voldemort decided to use Haymitch as their go-to guy when they needed something to steal, and Peeta and Christina moved to some fjord in Antarctica and were never heard of ever again. Everybody else did something cool, I think.

And they all lived happily ever after.

Finis.