Word Count: 2,234
Hange burst into Levi's office, waving a sheaf of paper over her head. "Levi! I've finally finished the genetic test on Lillian! Do you want the news to be delivered dramatically, or dramatically?" she asked him.
Levi didn't look up, choosing instead to focus on some routine paperwork. "I'd prefer you just give me the results without any drama, Four-Eyes."
But it was too late, Hange had already leaned against the wall in the most obnoxiously exaggerated way, announcing the results as dramatically as humanly possible. "Levi… you are the father!"
Levi rolled his eyes. "The letter told me more."
"Well, this proves you're biologically related to Lillian. I also took some liberties and tested for her mother too. She's related to Petra as well," Hange said and sat on the armrest of Levi's chair.
"Lovely. Are you done here?"
"Well, I'd rather like to know what that letter said, Heichou." She said the last word very teasingly, knowing full well she was of a higher ranking than he. "I need more ideas in order to create a good hypothesis on how this all came about."
"Not right now. Get off my chair."
"Then when? Are you ever going to show anyone else that letter? What about Lillian? Don't you think she needs to know what it says when she's older?" Hange asked each question rapidly, not giving Levi any time to respond.
"She'll find out someday," Levi growled and began to forcefully push Hange off his chair.
"But when?" Hange inquired, digging her heels into the floor so that she wouldn't get pushed off and bearing with the pain of his sharp elbows digging into the small of her back.
Levi got out of his chair and began to push at the stubborn Hange with a frightening amount of force. "None. Of. Your. Business."
Hange suddenly stopped trying, and Levi, surprised at the sudden lack of resistance, fell to the floor as she nimbly stepped away.
"Fine then," she snapped, then glanced at Lillian, who was sleeping. "But you'd better hope those cadets find a nanny goat quickly. Lil's been sleeping an awful lot lately, and she's showing early signs of malnourishment. If you don't get a reliable source of food after this formula runs out, she's going to die. She can't live on on a chameleon's dish, you know." With that, Hange turned heel and left.
Levi got up and looked at where Lillian was sleeping. Hange was right: she did seem unhealthy, and especially so for a child that arrived less than a week ago. Very gently, he picked her up and cuddled her. Despite his cold and uncaring exterior, Levi had quite the soft spot for children.
Lillian began to stir. Levi frowned, for he still had work to do, and if she was awake, she'd be a distraction. His only viable options were to pawn her off to Hange to care for or try to get her to sleep again.
He couldn't leave her with Hange, as even someone with an emotional intelligence quotient of three like himself could see, and he didn't yet trust the cadets with her without some sort of at least vague adult supervision. So he did the one thing he could think of to get her to sleep.
The short man began to sing a lullaby. It was an old one, in a language no one spoke anymore. He couldn't remember much of the words, but he did remember his mother singing it to him at a young age.
He mumbled softly in his low voice, not knowing whether or not he was even pronouncing half the crap that came out of his mouth properly, rocking back and forth in another effort to help her fall asleep.
Luckily, she fell asleep before he even finished the song, but he finished singing it anyway. It would have left him with the most terrible nagging feeling if he just stopped right in the middle of the song.
"I didn't know you sang, Heichou."
Levi turned to see cadet Lenz standing in the doorway. He tched and laid Lillian down to sleep once more. "I don't sing," he denied. "You must be hearing things, brat."
Christa cocked her pretty, golden head, daring not show her amusement. (Which was refreshing when compared to the other idiots he had in his new squad.) "I saw you singing. It wasn't bad. Not good– definitely not good– but it wasn't bad."
"I didn't know you could see sound."
Christa rolled her eyes as subtly as she could. Though she was as benevolent as a fairy queen, she was still a teenager, and teenagers need sass. "The cadets you sent out have come back. It would probably be good if you went and saw the goats they got."
Levi waved his hand dismissively. "Sure," he said, "Later." He sat back down to work on paperwork again. However, the moment Christa left, something struck him. "Did she say goats?"
"He really didn't say anything about the second goat?" Armin asked Christa, the amazement in his voice clear as day.
"Well, I didn't tell him about the second goat, per se, but I think saying the word 'goats,' plural, rather plain old singular 'goat' is a heavy enough hint," she replied.
"Well then, if that's the case, then we go out back and allow them to pasture," Mikasa said. "After all, it would be ridiculous to allow them to just wander around HQ." She was still holding the goatling, who squirmed wildly.
"You and I can handle that by ourselves; there are only two goats, after all," Eren said. He'd put the nanny down quite a while ago, and all she'd done since was limp two steps before lying down. "You okay with doing your own thing, Armin?"
Armin shrugged. "Sure. I think Hange wanted my assistance with something earlier anyway. Probably needs someone to keep her focused as she analyzes whatever data she got from Eren's last transformation as Moblit takes a break."
As the blond boy left them, Christa and Mikasa exchanged glances. Eren couldn't quite read what went on between them, but he didn't think much of it.
Christa excused herself. "Ymir will be worried about me," she told them, glancing again at Mikasa with a slight smirk. Again, Eren didn't think much of it.
Mikasa gripped the yearling's leash tightly as she set it on the ground. "Let's go, Eren," she softly said as the young goat tugged at the rope around its neck.
Eren tugged at the rope looped gently around the nanny's neck, prompting her to stand up. "Sure," he replied, and they began to walk the goats out back.
It was slow work. The nanny adamantly refused to put any weight on her right hind leg, even though it appeared to be in perfect condition. Carrying her wasn't much faster either; she was far too cumbersome.
"I don't understand! How did Armin hold her so that he could actually see past her smelly back? It defies all logic!"
"Do you need help?" Mikasa gently asked.
"No! I'm just fine carrying her myself," Eren snapped back.
She pulled her scarf over her face. "Maybe we should check her hooves."
"What? Why?"
"There might be something in them that's keeping her from walking properly."
Eren grunted as he set the nanny goat down, who immediately sat down.
Mikasa knelt down next to it, gently taking the goat's rear leg and inspecting the hoof. Nothing appeared to be the matter, but she wasn't taking any chances. Very delicately, she prodded the area between the toes.
The goat immediately let out a harsh, throaty bleat. Eren immediately lept into action, pinning the doe down so that she wouldn't thrash so wildly.
However, in doing so, he let go of the kid's leash.
That probably wasn't Eren's wisest choice.
(Though considering the fact that the boy could be a bit of a walking bad decision maker fueled by anger, that wasn't really saying anything.)
While the kid seemed shy while being sold, it was turning out to be a vivacious young thing with a liking for mischief. It knew the boy couldn't grab its leash without letting the nanny buck the girl in the face. It also knew from listening to their conversations on the long ride back that there was a human they called "Heichou" that also lived somewhere in the castle, and that they hated filth.
So the goatling did the only thing it could think of at the time.
It took the biggest dump of its life right on Eren's leg, then galloped away, bleating happily.
"Aw, fuck!" Eren yelled.
The nanny was still thrashing, but more weakly now. Mikasa held a determined face, frowning slightly. "Eren, would you please keep her from moving so much? She's going to hurt herself at this rate."
"I just got shit on by a goat!"
"Yes. And it will probably happen again if you keep dragging this out. There's a tiny little rock or glass chunk cutting into the doe's foot, and the more you let her struggle, the longer it's going to be there. The longer it's there, the more she's going to struggle. The more she struggles, the longer you'll have to be here, getting shat on by a different goat," Mikasa calmly replied.
Eren grit his teeth and kicked the scat off his leg, saying nothing when the younger goat pranced around before butting him in the side.
Said goatling kept butting Eren over and over again to the point where it got annoying. (Okay, and maybe it hurt a bit when it hit the same soft spot beneath his ribs over and over again.) The nanny was no longer writhing in pain but rather, taking controlled breaths as though she was in labor. Eren assumed that it was safe to let her go for the sake of punishing the kid, giving it a quick whack in the face.
Just as he did so, Mikasa finally got the shard out, and the nanny screamed, causing both the yearling and Eren to simultaneously jump in surprise. Since she was no longer restrained, the nanny gave Mikasa a good, hard kick to the shin before scrambling to her feet, causing Mikasa to cry out in pain and accidentally cut herself with the glass that was previously embedded in the goat's foot.
She then turned on Eren, lowering her head in preparation for a headbutt, pawing at the ground aggressively. Now too prideful and riled up to be bested by a goat, he tensed and assumed a fighting stance.
Suddenly, the nanny reared and bleated what sounded like a war cry, and Eren braced himself for the inevitable.
"What's going on here?" a new voice suddenly said.
Everyone froze at the sound of their captain's voice, even the nanny, who'd just finished rearing, and the yearling, who'd been running around in circles bleating like mad, fell silent.
"Uhh… this isn't what it looks like?" Eren sheepishly said.
"Eren almost got attacked by the nanny goat after he got shit on by the younger goat," Mikasa told Levi at almost the same moment.
Levi looked them all over. "Well, if this isn't what it looks like, then you both have some serious explaining to do. I can't possibly imagine any other situation where goat shit would be logical," he said coolly, "unless, of course, you were cleaning out their stalls."
It was at that moment that the yearling decided to make himself known to this new person by butting him in the leg.
The short man looked down on its happy little face and tched in annoyance. "Did I not make it clear to Arlert that you were to get only one goat? Or did you conveniently forget how to listen to orders?"
"The man was overcharging us!" Eren cried.
"How much did he charge for the nanny?" Levi calmly asked.
"Fifty sils!"
"For a live goat, I'm not surprised. Livestocks are a rarity in this day and age. I'm surprised she didn't sell for a hundred."
Levi allowed his words to sink in for a few moments before continuing. "So you stole this annoying kid in exchange for getting a bargain for a goat?"
Mikasa said nothing as Eren hung his head. "It was Armin's idea," he mumbled.
Levi sighed, not fully believing Eren, and death glared them. "That's very clearly illegal. And while I will admit, we as a branch do some shady things, you must still atone for your crimes. The three of you will muck out the stables tomorrow. No help from anyone," he finally said.
"Yes, sir," Mikasa and Eren quietly replied as he walked away.
They would tell Armin later. For now, they still had two goats to pen up.
"Let's go, Mikasa," he grumbled, picking up the leash of the now-meek goatling.
Mikasa nodded silently and began leading the nanny.
Revised Author's Note vi. this chapter is the entire reason i went into Edit Mode for like half the fic (´∀`). my old interpretations of the characters are markedly different from the general fandom tropes/interpretations. i like seeing it because i know it's been untouched by other people. it was my interpretation of them at its purest. of course that doesn't mean it was an accurate interpretation. since reading meta piece after meta piece i know better now. ahh, but how i wish i wrote ymir more~ mm i should bring her back soon. because this is canon divergence i can do whatever i want. anyway. leave a review if you like! have a greaaat daaay~
