Chapter 7 – A Mouse's Role-Model.

A/N: Hmm, okay having read the reviews of the last chapter, for all of which I am exceptionally grateful as this is now one of the most well-hit pieces of work I've ever written, I have a couple of things to mention about this story:

On the henge issue – I simply cannot believe that henge, in canon, is a complete shape-shift – if it was it would be the most downright broken technique in existence simply because no-one, unless they were specifically sensing for chakra, would be able to trust that anything they saw or felt wasn't an enemy ninja in disguise. I'm not saying that there aren't techniques that make shape-shifting possible (indeed, see this chapter for my person theory as to how this is achieved) but an E-ranked jutsu simply can't be that powerful. As you'll see below, in my interpretation not even Naruto gets that much of a power-up...

On the story speed – A couple of people said that TMOK has a slow pace; that's because out of all the things in the Naruto manga the one thing I simply cannot stand is when a shinobi, a merciless killer, takes time out from a battle to explain laboriously how a technique works to his enemy – I mean come on, how dumb can you get? I know it has to be done in canon as there aren't enough issues to put all that background training into pictures but that's what I'm hoping to do in this fiction; by focussing on Naruto when he's training and the relationships he develops over time, when the kunai start flying and hell starts breaking loose there's no flashbacks sections later on, another pet peeve of mine. I'm not saying it's a perfect strategy and I'm sure many people will disagree but I always like to make sure people know what's going on rather than throwing them in at the deep end and explaining as I go.

I hope that clears things up for my readers and please, if you disagree for whatever reason don't hesitate to get in touch and make your point; I'm new to writing stories in this fandom (one-offs such as Win Some, Lose Some don't count) so any advice is good advice. Still, I hope you continue to read and enjoy my work as it comes, unfortunate errors, misconceptions and all.

XXX

Blinking as a feeling of distinct déjà-vu fell over him mostly involving the last time this particular chunin had massaged the truth a little, the Sandaime leant forwards in his chair to better look at where Anko had her hands on her knees panting for air and the stranger she'd brought with her gazed around, a little disorientated at being taken for a spin via the shunshin technique.

"Clarify the incident Anko-san, and where's Naruto-kun? Last I heard you were training him, unless this is an attempt to expand your little shota harem?" The glare the lavender-haired chunin shot him should have put the old man in an urn but before she could gain enough breath back to answer, the boy by the side of her put a hand and waved, not happy about being ignored,

"Hey jiji", Sarutobi's pipe clattered to the desk; the face might have changed but the voice certainly hadn't, "it's me; Anko-sensei taught me the henge jutsu but there's something wrong with it, look". Approaching the desk of the village leader, the henged jinchuuriki glanced around for a minute before reaching over and plucking a sheaf of paper for the top of the stack, not a ripple passing over his false skin as he held it in both hands to scan the words before placing it back where he'd found it and facing his jiji again, "it's not dispellin' from me touching things; sensei even hit me in the head and it didn't go down. Then she looked over at me an' told me not to move an' the next thing I know we're both here".

From this succinct summary the Sandaime was able to instantly identify the most important facts about what had happened and directed his first question where it needed him to go,

"You taught him henge?"

"I tried but he did this", the Snake Mistress indicated the form in front of her, the green-eyed, brown haired boy giving a weak smile as the village leader looked him over once more before giving his attention back to the chunin, "instead. I don't have a clue what he's done Hokage-sama; I thought for a minute it was some kind of kanpekina-henge but", defeated by the apparent impossibility of what her student had done the chunin shook her head, "it's not that, and it's also not even close to a genjutsu; I don't have a bloody clue what this brat's done now".

"Hey", affronted the strange boy glared up at her, "I only did what you told me, it's not my fault I ended up this way".

"Oh of course not; it was the magical little kappa that wove a spell on you and made you transform", Anko's voice was sarcastic enough to scour the Hokage monument clear of lichen as she returned his volcanic glare with a subzero one of her own, "if it wasn't you then who the hell did it?"

As visions of that sad, dreadful night for his village flashed before his eyes Sarutobi had cleared his throat almost before he'd realised it, the two squabbling occupants of his office looking over at him as he banished the visions of hellfire and brimstone from behind his eyes and refocused on the conversation,

"Hmm, I see; Naruto-kun, could you please dispel your henge for a moment? Perhaps if we can see the process from the ground up it'll give an idea of what's gone wrong".

"Hai jiji", Naruto, or the boy Sarutobi had been told was Naruto, made to move him hand before a question seemed to occur to him, "umm, dispel?"

"Just think about how you usually look and flare your chakra", Anko filled him in hastily, hoping against hope that the Hokage didn't ask awkward questions about her teaching method of not telling her student how to end a technique before he used it, "and make it snappy, I've got better things to do with my day". The henged jinchuuriki snorted,

"Yeah right, the bars don't open for 'nother hour yet", he commented waspishly, though before the chunin could clip his ears for him there was a puff of smoke and Naruto, for it was unmistakeably the blonde-haired, blue-eyed boy who emerge spluttering from the chakra-laden mist, reappeared, "wow", he coughed, wafting his hand around to disperse the smoke of his technique, "little less chakra next time?"

"You think? Anyway, get one with the seals like I showed you, the Hokage is a busy man. Just make sure you get them right, I don't want you turning into a jellyfish or something – actually", a smirk played about her lips suddenly as she cupped a hand to her cheek, thinking hard, "that would be quite funny..." Emboldened by the presence of his grandfather Naruto stuck his tongue out before the shifting his hands slowly through the required seals; however as his fingers twitched into the snake seal a sudden voice made him stop dead,

"Wait a minute", half-standing Sarutobi peered over his desk, eyes narrowed as he looked over the seals his surrogate grandson had made, "the sheep seal Naruto-kun, it wasn't..."

"Nah, it was ram; every time I tried sheep with kawirimi it never worked so I used ram instead. Watch", quick as a flash he flicked his fingers into the ram seal and with a second puff of smoke replaced himself with Anko, the chunin looking disorientated for a second before straightening up and, out of habit it seemed, cuffing her charge lightly around the head,

"Bit of warning next time?"

"Ah, but that'd ruin the surprise", he shot back cheekily, ducking the return swing as the Hokage quickly masked his surprise; no bird seal either – has he developed his chakra memory so much already? Even if he only has one jutsu to practice, to come so close to mastering after a mere four to six months would show great promise in a genin, never mind someone Naruto's age; "anyway, I do the same thing with henge now after the first attempt didn't work and", he made the appropriate seals, called the technique allowed and his new alias appeared, though the voice that spoke was still definitely Naruto's, "this happens. Any idea jiji – far as I'cun tell it just means a punch won't make me change back to me. That's a good thing right?"

Sarutobi didn't answer immediately, instead reminding himself of the seals for a jutsu he had been taught by one of his own students that would suffice for this situation as he stood up, his eyes on Naruto's new form at all time as he stepped out from behind his desk. For their parts Naruto didn't flinch and Anko shuffled back as the venerable God of Shinobi stepped forwards and, with a barely-audible hiss of effort, lowered himself to one knee before the child,

"It appears to be Naruto-kun but as a ninja one must always look underneath the underneath – what appears to be a blessing at first may have aspects that appear to be a curse"; as I fear you will one day discover Naruto-kun; forcibly keeping thoughts of the nine-tailed monster the boy held at bay off his wrinkled visage, the Hokage gently patted each of the henged child's legs and arms, confirming them to be solid, "however from what I can see and feel this does appear to be a kanpekina henge of some kind". A now-brown eyebrow squinted down confused,

"What's a perfect henge when it's at home?" Sarutobi opening his mouth to answer but, seeing Anko take half a step forwards, wisely closed it again soundlessly to allow the infiltrator to answer,

"It's a B-ranked jutsu that most nin get taught when they reach chunin; as the name suggests it's a proper transformation of the body, can't be disrupted like henge which relies partially on genjutsu to deceive the senses. Here", after pulling her trench coat tight around her as she knew from past experience this jutsu only changed the users body, not the clothes they were wearing and inadvertently flashing the entire chunin lounge was more than enough indecent exposure for even her for a while, Anko's hands flashed through seals at a speed magnitudes greater than her pupil could have managed, ending on the snake seal before, with a much smaller cloud of chakra smoke, Zaki Maumaru found himself facing a replica Uzumaki Naruto that, horror of horrors, spoke with his voice from within the folds of the coat swaddled around him, "this is kanpekina henge; see", she pinched her own cheek before sticking out her tongue, "no fading or rippling effects; this baby is built to last".

It was a slightly disturbing thing to be looking at another copy of his own face but, as he took in the six whisker marks and bright blue eyes, he realised this really was the real deal,

"Wow", he breathed before a second realisation send tingles of excitement racing around his system, "an' that's a B-rank? I can do a B-ranked jutsu!" Not even he could contain a leap of excitement this time, though to his credit he calmed down upon hearing a chuckle from his jiji, Sarutobi smiling as he held up a hand now flickering with a corona of what looked like pearly white energy,

"Not quite Naruto-kun; I'm not sure what you've done yet but we'll soon see. This", noticing the boy's trepidation as he took in the glowing hand, the aged Professor briefly explained the jutsu he was using, "is a jutsu created by one of my students when she was a chunin, just as she set out on the road to becoming arguably the greatest medical ninja in history. It's a technique that mimics the Byakugan of the Hyuuga clan somewhat and allows the user to feel, rather than see, the chakra pathways of someone they touch; don't worry", he soothed the slight look of panic on the boy's face, no longer striated with the whiskers he knew so well in this unfamiliar form, "I've felt its effects myself many times and felt no ill-effects. Now", he moved his hand forwards, the glow illuminating Naruto's new face in a ghostly opalescence before coming to rest on his shoulder, Sarutobi focussing on his jutsu as he felt the information coming in,

"Let's have a closer look at what you've done to yourself".

Despite her outwards composure Anko was slightly nervous about the outcome of this, so much so that she'd neglected to drop her henge – what if the Hokage blamed her for all this? Somehow she doubted she'd get away with a slap on the wrist this time; more likely to be suspension by the ankles in one of Ibiki's little play-pens if she'd done something bad to the brat, but as the Hokage slowly removed his hand and asked the boy to dispel his henge calmly, she began to feel a little more at ease. Still; as she heard the village leaders' request for his charge to assume a larger form, she felt obliged to pitch in a little; never hurts to slap a bit of grease on the wheels;

"Henge into me; you'd better get it right though", she warned, though she accepted she didn't look nearly as intimidating as usual in this henge, standing as she did at a height of about three feet something and wearing clothes at least six sizes too big. Fortunately Naruto neglected to comment, instead focussing on his jutsu until, with a plume of smoke, another form appeared before the Hokage.

It was at that point, about four or five seconds after the thought would have been appreciated, that Anko realised there had a been a slight flaw in her plan.

XXX

Aaahh, tight; immediately upon assuming the henge Naruto was assailed by constriction in several regions, mostly his lower thighs and just above the elbows, and he couldn't move much to rectify the problem either. There was a strange pressing feeling on his chest and, oddly enough, though there was pressure in his private region, it somehow didn't hurt as much as it should have done, though why that was he wasn't sure he wanted to know. Looking up and across as much as the taut fabric of his jumpsuit would allow he wondered why jiji was now facing away from him and tried to straighten up,

"Ne jiji – huh?" As he'd moved the strange weight on his chest had shifted position, now lolling forwards and making it hard to catch his breath as a pair of relatively soft somethings were being squashed into his chest; feels like I'm trying to hide two bowls of Teuchi-jiji's ramen in my jumpsuit; "What the heck are...?"

"Don't touch those!" Least of all because they're mine; face suddenly reddening Anko was relieved to say the least when he sudden shout stopped his potential exploration of his new biological assets; six or otherwise this kid is waaayyy too young for a birds-and-bees speech, least of all from me; "Quick, change back before you rip your jumpsuit any more"; or give Hokage-sama a heart attack.

"Oh, okay", Naruto made to dispel his technique, wincing as a heard a sudden ripping sound from somewhere at the rear of the jumpsuit before he paused, his now-brown eyes rolling down to the shorter form to the side of him and a smirk that Anko knew all too well on feminine lips, "before I go though..."

She could have dodged but for fear of losing her grip on her clothing didn't, instead wincing and shaking her head as she glared up at the taller figure evilly with a childish pout,

"What was that for?"

"Because I'm bigger than you and I can; plus I wanted to have the boot on the other foot for a change", Naruto told her, getting his hands in position to release his technique before pausing again and turning to meet the stern visage of his doppelganger, "'ang on a minute, does this mean I'm the uke now?"

Man, do I always look that gormless when my jaw drops – hmm, better stop that now every time a ninja shows me a new trick; even before he finished the thought however, Anko had snapped his jaw shut and made a solemn promise as she made to return to her real body herself,

"You're gonna die kid", Anko swore as twin plumes of smoke appeared and the two of them emerged as their regular selves, though with Naruto's jumpsuit stretched in a few places and Anko's clothing in state of rufflement even as she finished her promise, "slowly, violently and with as much blood as possible, you're gonna die". Once more recalling some words from his new prayer-book, these ones detailing one-liners about ninja living, Naruto merely waved a hand,

"Bah, since you started teachin' me I've had my life flash before my eyes so often I can blink to miss the boring bits", there was an odd noise from somewhere and he looked around before figuring it was probably just jiji stifling a sneeze; speaking of jiji though; "so, any ideas?"

Not for the first time Sarutobi had reason to be grateful for his crimson ceremonial robes; when he turned to face the student and teacher once more neither of them noticed the spot of blood that dotted one of the sleeves, an unfortunate by-product of nearly having had his eyes blackened as a result of standing a little too close to the expansion of Anko's impressive, if mightily restrained, womanly charms from his grandson's unique style of transformation. Looking serious, the aged kage instead turned towards the two guests and steepled his fingers before him, looking a little pensive before, to their combined relief, a smile spread over his face,

"Well Naruto-kun, once more you show a talent for surprising me; from what I can tell what you've done is not quite a kanpekina henge, not as it is performed in Konoha anyway, but that's mostly because of the chakra movement of the technique. Anko-chan, why don't you explain", having had the hot potato dropped suddenly into her lap, the kunoichi blinked for a minute before the Sandaime explained his suggestion, "you use this technique a fair bit more than I do nowadays"; though that's not strictly true, but what no-one knows doesn't hurt them;

"Uh, right, okay, hai Hokage-sama", Anko gave a brief bow from his waist before turning to her diminutive student, "the kanpekina henge works by altering the shape of your chakra system; you know that everyone's got a chakra system don't you? Good, nice to be reminded that you're not entirely incompetent", she commented before continuing on, "well when you use that henge most normal people reduce or increase the size of their chakra network, which as a result alters their size. Chakra is also used to suffuse the relevant tissues such as hair follicles and the iris of the eye to change colour and length if necessary; however you, being the awkward little sod that you are, have probably done something different – am I right Hokage-sama?" The elderly warrior nodded before looking between the sensei and student,

"You are indeed Anko-chan; from what I could tell from my brief exposure to the jutsu, when Naruto assumed his henge form his chakra network didn't merely rearrange itself", he paused, just for a heartbeat, but it was long enough to ensure they both paid attention to his next words, "it seems to simply...disappear".

As expected there was a great deal of confusion at this; Naruto immediately felt a cold sweat break out on his forehead as he recalled the very simple equation that no chakra basically equated to a painful death, while Anko simply failed to understand what the Sandaime was saying; as far as she knew there had only ever been one ninja in existence who had completely lacked a chakra network and the Nidaime Tsuchikage had been peacefully dead since before she was born,

"What?" Her tone was a blend of disbelief and awe, though thankfully the Sandaime didn't seem to notice as he carried on his explanation, looking to set the young jinchuuriki's mind at ease,

"From what I could feel when you assumed your new form, your chakra network...dissolved, for want of a better word, into all the surrounding tissues, changing your appearance as it did so. When you assumed Anko's form your chakra expanded within the tissues, engorging the size of your own cells and acting as replacement connective tissue to ensure your new body still worked. Compared to the standard kanpekina henge your variant has a very large advantage Naruto-kun", standing to his fully height the village leader looked down at his charge with a grandfatherly smile, "as your chakra is mostly free of your regular coils and subsumed into your tissues while you adopt a henge, or at least a henge larger than your regular form, you don't have a recognisable chakra signature".

At those words Anko felt her heart virtually stop beating; chakra signatures and the myriad ways other ninja and their villages had of detecting those signatures were the bane of infiltration missions the world over – if Naruto, her student, had somehow found a way of completely obliterating his own chakra signature he was virtually untouchable, demon or no demon. No chakra, a way around about ninety-nine percent of most ninja detection methods; the thought was enough to make her seriously consider that having a shotacon might not be that bad; with practice and a little experience in the field he could become the second 'Invisible Man' – Konoha's answer to Iwa's Nidaime;

"So, not having a chakra signature", Naruto rolled the idea around in his head as much as he rolled the words around his tongue before looking up at his jiji again, "tha's a good thing right?" Anko made to answer that with a shrieked declaration before, this time, the Sandaime beat her to it,

"In some ways Naruto-kun, but remember Kami can never open a door without closing a window", he quoted, his tone gently foreboding as he finished, "while having no chakra signature is a bonus, the fact that your chakra coils have completely dissolved into your tissue means that you don't have any chakra available, no chakra capacity. Because of that it will be at best extremely difficult, probably impossible, for you to perform any kind of jutsu while you are in a henged form; in fact even gathering enough chakra to walk up walls would probably be virtually impossible".

That disadvantage made Ankos' train of excitement hit the buffers and hit them hard; she realised that, with that limitation, Naruto's kind of henge was a perfect infiltration tool but would be no use whatsoever for missions that required chakra use, including most assassination and demolition assignments. The henge to all intents and purposes made him a civilian, completely harmless to even the most basically trained ninja but even then, the gears in her mind began to turn once more as she considered the problem for a different angle, some civilians were potentially more dangerous than others. After all; an idea from one of her previous missions flitted to the front of her mind and made her crack a devious little grin as she realised how much more devastating her short-term infiltration could have been had she had access to Naruto's henge; in a hospital who's going to notice if a few ninja die occasionally? Relapses aren't uncommon and who would suspect one of the food suppliers slipping something a little stronger than a pinch of extra salt into the hospital food – not like anyone would taste it, that gloop's always bad no matter where you end up; oh yes, this definitely had a lot of potential,

"Aw man, that sucks", of course Naruto didn't quite see it that way, "so dis henge isn't that useful then? Can I still learn the usual one jiji?"

"I doubt it Naruto-kun; you were using all the right hand seals aside from the ram which you also use for your kawirimi technique, so this must just be something about you"; and unless I'm very much mistake, that something is the size of a warehouse with nine large tails and answers to the name Kyuubi; "however there are a few other things I'd like to find out about your new little trick", the venerable village leader smiled as he made a few seals and restarted his chakra-sensing jutsu again, "it's not every day I get to see something new after all. Could you please henge something smaller than you are?" Naruto gave a small affirmative and a jaunty salute before a brief laugh broke in on the conversation and both looked over to see Anko snickering with folded arms,

"Are you sure that's possible Hokage-sama? Not sure there's anyone in Konoha smaller than him". Naruto stuck his tongue out again even as Sarutobi indulged the kunoichi with a smile before another puff of smoke signalled the arrival of Naruto's latest transformation; the old man had just enough time to see a small flash of grey nestled in his orange jumpsuit before there was a sudden high-pitched whine and Naruto suddenly reappeared, face white and tottering on unsteady legs.

"Naruto!" The boy tried to look up at his jiji but even as he did the pressure became too much; falling forwards his mouth flopped open of its own accord and the floorboards of the Hokage office, pristine since the Shodaime had used his own jutsu to grow the trees they'd been cut from, were splattered with the remains of his breakfast.

Only Anko's hand fisted into the collar of his jumpsuit saved him from collapsing face-first into the mess he'd just made; in the face of the crippling pain that had speared straight through every inch of his body at the transformation his entire skeleton seemed to have turned from bone to jelly and all the strength had gone from his limbs. Hanging limp with his heartbeat tolling in his ears like a funeral gong Naruto fought down the last of his nausea and tried to focus on the buzzing noise coming from somewhere; looking up through tear-stained vision, he could just about pick out the fractured visage of jiji looking at his collapsed form with distinct alarm, another jutsu, this one surrounding his hand with green chakra, already in place and apparently tracing over his body,

"...seems normal...", it was so hard to hear anything, maybe if he tried a little harder..., "...expecting chakra contraction...no idea...cause of pain..." At that point a sudden shake broke his concentration and, still with the taste of his own gastric juices on his lips, he managed to get his feet underneath him and take some of the pressure off Anko's shoulder,

"Naruto-kun", noticing the movement Sarutobi was in before the jinchuuriki in an instant, the vomit already disposed of by the timely use of some low-level doton and katon jutsu, "what in the Kami's name happened?"

"Hurt jiji", he managed to whisper, even Anko looking on with something that might have been concern; or, knowing her, the hope she'll get a good laugh out of this; "soon as I changed everything started hurting, everything inside, like someone had hold of all my insides an' was squeezing; I didn't even mean to dispel the henge, my body reacted on its own an' I wound up big again. Heh", recalling what had happened immediately following his re-emergence, he managed a tepid smile, "sorry 'bout the floor".

Praise the Kami; though he hadn't been certain in the heartbeat his ward had adopted the technique his immediate fear had been his prisoner rebelling but, as there was no evidence of a murderous kitsune gearing up to go on another rampage through his village, the Sandaime was content to let sleeping foxes lie and try to determine any other potential causes of Naruto's mishap,

"Never mind that Naruto-kun; one doesn't get to become Hokage without learning a couple of short-cuts", the old man winked conspiratorially as he briefly pointed out the once again pristine floorboards before he became more serious, "but apart from the sensations, can you tell us anything else about what happened? A henge that can only turn you into a bigger form is far from ideal; sometimes those who look for giants can be best toppled by ants". Making a little mental note of the saying Naruto tried to think back to before the pain and spoke again, trying to logically build up a picture for his sensei and jiji to follow,

"Well you asked fo' soemthing small and the only thing that came to mind were the Haimaru; I pictured one of them in my head, really clearly as well, then started forming the seals and added the chakra..."

"Hold up", Anko, having only just released the collar of his jumpsuit, found one of his words was unfamiliar to her; though I've got a feeling he's mentioned it before; "who's Haimaru when he's at home?" Naruto looked up at her with an odd expression, hands on hips as though he wasn't sure he was hearing her right,

"Not he, they; the Haimaru triplets, Hana-san's partners. One of them bit me once; well, he was just tracking me down..."

That was as far as he got before two things happened virtually simultaneously; Anko put the pieces together and exploded rather violently and he ended up nursing yet another sore spot on his cranium as she immediately turned her wrath on him,

"Nin-ken; you baka", she screeched, adding another blow for emphasis as her student cradled his abused brain-pan, "you can't use a kanpekina henge to transform in to an animal, not unless you literally know that animal inside-out! Look", realising screaming and shouting wasn't going to help she took a deep breath and explained as best she could, "when you use a henge like that you literally have to change your body to the form you adopt. That means all those little organs, bones, blood vessels and other assorted viscera have to either be shrunk, moved around or otherwise disturbed by your chakra. When doing a human transformation it's simple because it's just a matter of resizing; on the inside pretty much all humans are basically alike in where everything is and how it all works, but with animals it's a whole different bag of kunai. To turn into a nin-ken you'd have to reshape your skeleton, contract and reposition all your major internal organs including the heart and brain, alter your centre of gravity and reformulate most of your senses, regrow teeth and re-route most of your major blood vessels; you trying to do all that without having any idea of canine physiology was like trying to squash a watermelon through a cat-flap. You were lucky you didn't turn yourself inside-out with that stunt!"

Though he knew the chunin was correct Sarutobi had to take this moment to interject; he didn't want to have to clean his office floor again and though he wasn't a med-nin on the scale of his only female student, he was fairly certain that someone with a face turning as green as his would-be grandsons was at the moment would be finding it difficult to keep it all in.

"Be that as it may Anko-chan, at least he managed to correct his mistake in time", the Professor pointed out gently before looking down at Naruto again, the boy still appearing a little peaky but otherwise fine, "however I have a suspicion about something and, if you're feeling up to it Naruto-kun, I'd like a see if I can confirm it or not. What I'd like you to do is use your henge again but this time into a smaller version of yourself, say you where you were about two; as Anko-chan said this should be very easy for you because, let's be honest", the old man chuckled as he waved a hand at the youngster, "no-one knows your body better than you. Before you do so however", Naruto stopped mid-seal as he waited for further instructions, this time paying close attention to what was said as he did not want a repeat of what happened last time, "Anko-chan, would you mind picking him up; I'd do it myself but", he sighed at her dubious look, one hand retreating to the small of his back as he used one of the few advantages age had given him, the ability to appear frail if he needed to, "I'm not as flexible as I used to be". The chunin grinned,

"Why didn't you say so Hokage-sama; there are techniques and tricks I know with these magic fingers of mine that could make all those niggles just disappear", the Hokage didn't answer but his stony visage said it all; without another word Anko paced over to her student and lowered her arms, stooping short just before she grabbed the smaller boy as she spoke sternly,

"Puke on me and you're going out that window, got it?"

"Hai sensei", Naruto replied quickly, lifting up his arms to let the chunin get a firm grip just under them and heft, picking him up to her eye-level before looking over his shoulder at the Hokage; at his nod she put him back down again, not quite sure what her boss was playing at but playing along just in case. The old man for his part said nothing for a moment before he looked at the smaller of the two figures,

"Very well Naruto-kun, please use your henge". The boy nodded, moulded his chakra and, as the smoke cleared, all that could be seen was the collapsed form of his jumpsuit, a small bump from somewhere in the middle of it wriggling around and trying to find a convenient exit hole.

"Would you mind Anko-chan?" With a sigh the Snake Mistress stooped down, plunged her hand into the neck of the jumpsuit and, after a minute of fishing around, snagged her catch. Dragging the now-tiny figure into the open Anko had to suppress a laugh; obviously the boxers Naruto was wearing had never been designed for a child so young and he had to use both hands to hold them up around his diaphragm. Man he's heavy for a kid; with a grunt of effort she shifted his position to hold him in both hands; still, I guess all that ramen had to go somewhere;

"Cute", she snorted dismissively, not reacting as the child in her hands suddenly flashed a giant grin and, after clamping his legs together, brought up one hand in a peace sign, "guess you were a bouncing baby; hmm", her eyes flickered downwards, his beaming grin suddenly matched by her evil one, "there's a thought; how well would a baby like you actually bounce?" There was suddenly panic in those blue eyes before an older, sterner voice broke in to ruin her fun,

"Forgive an old man his foibles Anko-chan but I've already had to clean this office once and blood stains wood rather worse than vomit does", Sarutobi explained gently before continuing, "put him down, gently".

"Awww", she pouted but, seeing the Hokage would not be swayed, she complied with a huff of annoyance, putting the now-tiny jinchuuriki down by her feet, Naruto tottering unsteadily for a second as she removed her hands and stood up.

In all honesty, she would eventually admit to herself years after the event, it was a mistake to let her guard down so easily; Naruto might have looked like a two-year old in his current state but behind those innocent blue eyes was the budding mind of a future legendary prankster who didn't take kindly to threats against his person. As a result of this Anko almost jumped in shock when she felt a sudden tight grip clamp around her left shin, a pressure on her knee that, as she looked down, realised was being caused by her student's fluffy little head being rested against it. Overwhelmed and almost physically sickened by the sensation of being glomped by a toddler Anko was helpless to react as that massive grin turned up towards her,

"Ma-mee!"

There was a second snort that echoed around the office, though luckily for the one who'd inadvertently initiated it the Snake Mistress was in no fit state to take action. Instead her face was white, hair all but stood up on end as the sheer horror of that word struck outright revulsion deep within her soul; visions of her being forced to abandon her missions, her lifestyle, Kami damn it all her life as she knew it to look after some gurgling little speck of humanity that wouldn't even be able to hold a kunai for several years were enough to make her go a green as Naruto had been minutes before. She was so caught up in the grip of a nightmare, strong enough to make even Itachi raise a complimentary eyebrow, that it was only when the Hokage cleared his throat that she managed to shake herself free and realise the purveyor of such a perversion against the natural order of things; me, a mother – yeah and Oroichi-teme might win Citizen of the Year; was still clinging to her thigh like a leech,

"Let. Go. Or. Die". She spoke without moving her lips, the toddler's grin falling off his face for a moment before he burst into noisy tears, backing away as he moved towards the Hokage with a complaint on his lips,

"Meanie ma-mee, meanie ma-mee!" Only decades of experience kept the smirk off the Hokage's face as he looked down at the tiny figure before pointing to his jumpsuit,

"I know Naruto-kun; however before this all ends in tears please transform back and get changed".

"Okies", the child toddled over to his abandoned clothing and, after identifying the head hole of his jumpsuit, crawled inside it; even before the smoke cleared this time however there was a rush of movement and Naruto, now back to his regular size, was left to flail around uselessly with all four limbs as a sudden crushing pressure on the back of his head mashed his nose against the floorboards. Ignoring the muffled squawking from her student the Snake Mistress had an expression as black as thunder as she used the heel of her left foot to try and see if she could grind a new hole through the floor of the Hokage's office with his face.

"Squish, squish you bas..."

"Anko", the shout from the Hokage made her look up but didn't lift the pressure of her foot off Naruto's skull, "I can't apologise for Naruto-kun's humour but please don't damage him".

"He'll heal", she assured him with a kindly smile which was betrayed only by the repeated yelling of Naruto loudening as the boy managed to twist his head to the side, the sole of her sandal now crushing one ear against the floor, "and this is just what he needs to sharpen his senses; when I'm through with him he'll be hearing bugs farting the in Aburame hives". Though he was all for a laugh and a joke when the situation allowed it Sarutobi realised he was a little pressed for time at the minute and couldn't stand for too much more time-wasting, however amusing it might have been to watch,

"Mitarashi Anko, desist or I will slap a three-hundred percent tax hike on all imported sake greater than thirty percent proof!"

The response was immediate and electric; Anko was bolt upright at attention, every inch the perfect ninja as Naruto groggily hauled himself upright,

"Ow", he shook his head like a bear waking up after winter and shot his sensei a nasty look, "temper like a snake wi' toothache, insane cravings for dango and occasional outbursts of hurtin' people; you sure you're not gonna be a mum any time soon?"

"Naruto-kun", once more the Hokage seized the reins, though this time it was as much for Naruto's safety as his sense of good time-keeping; he'd seen that look in Anko's eyes a few times before and each one had resulted in someone getting hurt, "a wise man once said never step on a sleeping adder; keep that in mind over the next few minutes. That aside, I believe now my earlier guesses were correct regarding your, unique use of the henge jutsu". As expected this brought Naruto snapping to attention beside his teacher and, with one eye still on the time, the Sandaime decided to make this brief,

"As far as I can tell your henge is, and please don't use this word in the future Naruto-kun, a bastardised cross between the henge and the kanpekina henge; by that", he moved to explain as the boy looked perplexed by his vocabulary, "I mean it has similarities to both those techniques but is in fact unique. It uses almost the same hand-seals for henge but the result is similar to the kanpekina; from Anko-chan's expressions I could tell you weigh the same regardless of your form, you were as heavy in the small form as you are now due to the compression of your tissues. Added to that though, you've replaced the oni of the kanpekina technique, still having a ninja's chakra signature, with the akuma of not having any usable chakra at all. It's an odd case, not one even I've ever heard of before, so I must leave it the hands of both you and your teacher to see the limits of your new technique – Anko-chan I want a report from you first thing tomorrow. For now though I'm afraid you'll both have to depart", stooping over his desk the Hokage began shuffling the paper he'd need for the impending council meeting, "I have business with the elders and I'm already running late. I'll see if I can catch up with you for a bowl of ramen or two sometime next week Naruto-kun, a celebration for a month's hard work". As always ecstatic with the lure of his favourite dish, the jinchuuriki smiled and raised a hand in farewell,

"Fine by me jiji, look forwards to it. Okay mummykins"; I know this is going to hurt; the expression on Anko's face, to say nothing of her grip on a convenient kunai handle that was leaving fingerprints in the steel, was enough to assure him of that fact; but she was going to get even with me for hugging her – in for an A-rank in for an S I guess; "let's go home". The Snake Mistress said nothing, merely lashed out and grabbed part of his jumpsuit shoulder and then vanished, dragging her apprentice off to a training session that Sarutobi was quite grateful he wasn't going to accidentally oversee in his scrying orb; he was getting on about a bit after all and seeing Anko-chan in full flow against his favourite village orphan might have put a bit of a strain on his heart.

Straightening up and reaching for his ceremonial headdress, the Hokage glanced upwards out of habit more than anything else; unknown to most, the office was actually studded with a large number of almost unnoticeable reflective surfaces, each of which allowed at least one of the hidden ANBU posts to be seen if you knew where to look. This had mostly been a precaution that had fallen out of favour with advances in fuuinjutsu; the Yondaime in particular had made the entire Hokage tower virtually impregnable to all but the most awe-inspiring of jutsu with his skill in the craft, but the Sandaime had never quite had the heart to pull the mirrors down – after all, those who wouldn't look at and learn from the lessons of the past were surely doomed to repeat them. As it was, this action allowed the village leader to see someone was trying to get his attention and, after squinting for a minute and deciphering the mirror-image signals the ANBU operative was signing him, he bit back a chuckle and spoke almost conversationally to thin air,

"I hope I don't need to say that everything that was said in this office goes no further than these four sacred walls?" After watching some more frantic signing he shook his head, sighing wistfully as the Hokage hat swayed on his head, "I know, tragic that such humour must go forever unrecorded, and at Anko's expense as well, something I hear the little Mouse has a bit of a knack for, but...now that's just sad".

Sad it might have been but the sight of an ANBU operative, a trained killer through and through, on his knees and wringing his hands in the air, desperate for permission to unearth these priceless nuggets of hilarity to the rest of his corps was enough to move even the God of Shinobi to a slight snicker as he finally sorted out the paperwork he needed and stood to his full height.

"Well, I have to admit that pride is a deadly sin and perhaps the Snake Mistress could do with a few kunai in her bubble of contentment. No mention of Naruto-kun or his unusual technique however, that remains private".

The ANBU straightened up so quickly even the Sandaime almost missed it, though as the old man left his office there was no mistaking the grin that started to spread over a face concealed by two masks, one of them painted into the loose form of an Inu.

XXX

Even before the smoke cleared Naruto had ripped himself away from his teacher a fraction before she was ready for it, the jinchuuriki bounding and rolling away just as she gripped empty air hard enough to crack a few knuckles,

"I regret nothing!"

"Yet", she snarled back out of reflex, snatching some senbon out of her equipment pouch before remembering who her opponent was and reining her temper in with a visible effort, "but believe me before we leave this field tonight you'll be regretting a lot of things!" The blonde gaki wisely stayed on edge, eyes flicking between his sensei's evil expression and the thin weapons she was twirling between her fingers though his panicked state seemed to fade somewhat as, dragging down a very deep breath, she closed her eyes for a moment before, reluctantly, slipping the senbon back into her weapon pouch and looking at him directly,

"Right, well much as I'd like to there's one reason I'm not going to gut you like a fish..."

"Apart from th' fact jiji'd get mad?" Luckily for Naruto, his rapidly-evolving danger sense took that moment to chime out a warning and he ducked before the launched senbon shot through his tongue, a bead of sweat rolling off his brow as he felt the missile leave a trail through his hair; what was it jiji said about not stepping on snakes again?;

"...Not even that; I know ways to hide that even the Sandaime would be hard-pressed to follow; if I wanted to I could leave you a bloody mess in this training field and be out of Fire Country before he was any the wiser. No", before Naruto could go too pale however, Anko had offered up her reason with a sly smirk, "the reason I'm letting you leave this place alive is because I'm interested, very interested in what this henge of yours can do. Do you know what we were talking about when we were on about chakra signature?"

"Uhhh", jiji might have mentioned it at some stage in the past but he couldn't for the life of him recall it, "no' perfectly".

"Of course", Anko muttered to herself; that would make my life easy, something Kami seems hell-bent on preventing at the minute; "well clean your ears out and listen up; I'm saying this once and once only. A chakra signature is one of the downsides of being a ninja; due to our training and use of jutsus, seals and all that fun stuff that goes boom a ninja's chakra coils are much larger than a random persons; because this size is unusual it means it can be picked up on by other ninja. As you can imagine, this can be a serious problem if you're deep in enemy territory and a random shinobi walks into the bar you're waitressing in and starts clocking onto the fact you've got chakra coils that could fire off more ninjutsu than he could even dream about doing himself. So, the fact your henge completely discounts this problem could potentially be a very big bonus in the future; ever heard of the Nidaime Tsuchikage?"

"No".

"Well read up on him", Anko commanded before turning slightly more serious, "until I say otherwise he's now your idol; I want you to see what he did, how he was able to do it and figure out if you can do the same as him with your henge, got it?"

"But", even as part of his brain filed that information away the other half of what jiji had said made itself known in Naruto's mind, "bu' I can't do any jutsu when I'm henged. Wouldn't that mean I can't do any ninja mission unless I drop th' henge?" The Snake Mistress shrugged dismissively, hand in her kunai pocket again, fishing for some senbon,

"Doesn't matter if your target's a genin or a kage, a kunai to the throat still kills and you don't need chakra to wield one of them. Apart from that not all targets for assassination are ninja; diamyos and other officials seem to love having their own little political empires to rule over – off one of his trusted bodyguards, henge into him and stab the target when he's in bed or something. No chakra signature, no telling it was you who did the deed and then afterwards you just henge into someone else to slip away – a potentially perfect assassination, very pretty, very neat".

The example, even as hasty as it was, was enough to make Naruto sweat a little before her next words really brought the perspiration out in a drenching sheen over his body; if there was one thing he'd learnt in the two and something weeks he'd been studying under the Snake Mistress, it was that her laughter was usually something to be feared than joined in with,

"Kami damn it, the higher kingdoms must be having a secret joke at my expense", she spoke mostly to herself as she calmed down, Naruto not daring to move a muscle or say a word as she carried on, "get busted into teaching some orphaned punk only for him to turn out to be a potential infiltration and assassination expert. Right, apart from that Naruto", her demeanour immediately flipped completely around; where once there was flippancy and jest now only business and killing intent remained, the aforementioned orphaned punk springing to attention as she impaled him with a forceful stare, "because of this new information there's been a change of plan in your teaching schedule. The nature of your henge is as of this second a secret that only you, I and Sandaime-sama know; until you are given explicit permission otherwise that is to remain the case, am I clear?"

"Err, hai – why though?"

"Read up on Mu, that's the Nidaime Tsuchikage; when you've read his background and why he was so damned dangerous you'll understand", Anko assured him before moving on, the killing edge taken off her formerly sharp voice as she carried on, "apart from that though because of your henge and the fact it's virtually undetectable I'm going to use whatever time I have left with you to train you in espionage, demolitions and, though you're young, assassination as well. I won't mess around here brat, that henge is something I've never heard of and because of that it's a surprise for most ninja – what do surprises mean in shinobi terms?"

"Death", Naruto answered instinctively, having heard enough speeches and lessons on shinobi fighting to last him a lifetime; but because I'd be a surprise, that would mean...; "I'd sneak in and kill people before they knew I was there. Tha's what you're wantin' me to learn to do isn't it?" Anko nodded, no apology in her eyes even as she did so,

"Yep; this is what it means to be a ninja for Konoha kid – you can and will use every trick in your book to complete any mission you're tasked with and, unfortunately for you, because of that little trick of yours I can see you're going to become very popular for assassination-type missions. I won't lie, I've done them before and they're not glamorous, they're not pretty but they're what keeps the world ticking rather than just blowing up and taking us with it – the dagger in the dark is worth a dozen swords at dawn, remember that Naruto. Because of that I'm going to change what I was planning to teach you – don't worry, I'll put in a good word with the Sandaime to make sure that when you start trading scrap again the others on the field will run you through how to set and detect traps and live out there, but to train an assassin takes an assassin and as luck would have it you've got me".

Assassin?; there was a kind of dark glamour to the word, a slinky, dangerous feel that simultaneously excited and terrified the child – what Anko was describing sounded dark and disturbing but also oddly seductive; a ninja who no-one had seen but everyone had heard of, a nameless terror talked about in hushed whispers everywhere, from taverns to the courts of the Fire Diamyo. Never caught, never seen, the shadow with a razor edge who's knife was ever...even as his mind was preoccupied with his daydream his body responded and almost got him out the way of the senbon, though the flare of pain from his shoulder told him that he'd been hit and his free left hand immediately clasped his right shoulder, the senbon protruding even as he glared at his teacher,

"Not bad, you almost made it; then again in the field almost usually means you're bleeding out rather than immediately dead", Anko told him, her underlying message of not getting distracted not lost on her pupil even as he gingerly tugged the senbon out of his shoulder, "so, here's the deal, early day for you kid. I'm going to get a few things of my own but before I get back this evening I want you to have information on the Nidaime Tsuchikage, the village library might not have much but it's a start".

"But Anko-sensei", seeing a flaw in this plan, Naruto had to point something out, "I don't have a library card, they won't loan to...hey, what was that...?"

"Are you completely stupid?" Having thrown the kunai he'd just leapt aside from Anko reminded herself that he was young, dumb and therefore had an excuse to be this annoyingly dense, "What have I spent the last two weeks teaching you? Everyone in Konoha hates your guts so turn into someone else you moron – Kami damn it, what did I do to deserve this?"

Oops; the sight of his teacher's obvious frustration made a cold worm of contrition thrash around slowly in Naruto's gut and he mentally berated himself for opening his mouth before thinking – of course he could just disguise himself to get what he wanted, though since he didn't have a library card he'd probably have to take a pen and paper to take notes.

"Sorry sensei", it sounded hollow and heavy even to his own ears but it was all he could manage by way of apology, "wasn't thinkin'".

"That's obvious", she shot back acerbically, still looking disgruntled as she hooked out a kunai before turning back to him, still looking slightly disgusted at her student's apparent lack of brains, "right, just for that display of idiocy I'm carrying out my mission now – get henged gaki, the Sandaime wants to know exactly what your screwed-up little stunt is capable of and I owe you one for the cracks you took in his office. Start running sweet little child of mine", her smile could have made the legendary Kyuubi itself run a mile and certainly got Naruto moving; with a terrified squeak he henged into his deep-cover mask and a split-second after that Zaki Maumaru was hurtling all over the clearing pell-mell, inches ahead of the deranged lavender-haired chunin taking leisurely swipes with her weapon as she sang out threateningly,

"We've got all morning to practice and this'll help your dodging ability; just remember to dodge occasionally though, I don't want to get too much blood on my uniform".

XXX

Wincing as he sat back down and cursing Mitarashi Anko to the deepest pits of Makai for the thousandth time as it appeared bruises and cuts did not disappear when he dropped or adopted a henge, the jinchuuriki had to admit that she had been right in one regard. From what he'd been able to read up on him so far, having snuck into the library after returning home and throwing on a minute-mask of a random civilian boy and telling the librarian he was reading up on a history project, the Nidaime Tsuchikage had been a very dangerous, extremely talented shinobi.

Mu, even his second name was unknown in Konoha, had gone by many aliases, the Non-person and the Invisible Nin chief amongst them, and was famous for two abilities. According to the information he'd had some kind of bloodline that allowed him to utterly obliterate his opponents with nothing more than a touch, the secrets of which had apparently died with him though there were rumours that his successor, the Tsuchikage who ruled Iwa even to this day, also possessed a similar ability. However it was his second ability, on paper nowhere near as devastating as the first, that had caught Naruto's eye and made him see what Anko was driving at, why she wanted him to see an Iwa-nin as a potential paradigm to aspire to.

The Nidaime had been born without a chakra system, a unique ninja in this regard – originally written off by the Iwa military because of this, Mu had shocked them all by still being able to produce and mould chakra, though how he was able to do so was unknown. Much like Naruto's henge he had no chakra signature due to this anomaly, though the fact he had access to chakra at all times made him thousands of times more dangerous than the jinchuuriki's henge. According to the scrolls the librarian, much kinder to his false face than she'd ever been to Naruto he noticed with a well-hidden scowl, Mu was still acknowledged by the shinobi world as the most successful infiltrator to have ever existed; his ability to completely obscure himself and, at the opportune moment, turn his enemy to dust with a touch had granted him the nickname of the Skulking Ghost by the man who had eventually killed him, the Nidaime Mizukage, after Mu had sneaked into Kiri and assassinated two of the Seven Swordsmen of the Mist without them even being able to draw their blades in self-defence.

Quickly making notes on a pad he had brought with him Naruto once more found his thoughts clouded as they had been before a certain chunin with a kunai had intruded on them rather violently; an assassin, like this man; he read over what he'd written and checked the time, realising he'd better wrap this up and beat Anko back to the apartment – she was in a foul enough mood as it was, no need to antagonise her further; could I really do that, if it meant becoming Hokage like Mu-san became Tsuchikage?

The question still occupied his mind as he carefully replaced the scrolls where the librarian had taken him from, the woman favouring him with a smile that he just about remembered to return as he was still wearing his mask when all he wanted to do was pull off the wig he was wearing and ask her, outright ask her why she was so nice to the other kids but threw him out on sight; no, not yet – just accept people like this face and live with it. With that thought in his head he exited the library, took a deep breath and headed for his home, slipping inside his apartment block only when he was certain no-one was looking – it wouldn't do for Konoha in general to spot a procession of people going into the lair of the infamous Demon Brat and not come out again.

Luckily he did manage to beat Anko back by a good fifteen minutes, the Snake Mistress throwing a scroll onto the floor of the lounge where he was reading his notes and nodding,

"Right, from that I assume you now know about the Nidaime and why I think he's a role-model for you?" Naruto nodded,

"Hai, he was a virtu'ly perfect assassin 'cause he had no chakra signature, but I don't get it sensei", this was the crux of the issue he couldn't overcome at the minute, "he could kill with a touch an' still mould chakra. I can't do that when I'm in a henge, any kind of henge, so I can understand fishin' for information and esp-e-o-nage, but how'm I supposed to assassinate someone an' get away afterwards?" His question seemed to throw the older woman somewhat before, to his slight surprise, a smile spread over her face and she pointed to the scrolls she'd brought with her,

"Good, very good; a lot of people trip up by just thinking about the assassination rather than the whole picture; no point completing a mission unless you can get out afterwards, unless you're from Kiri of course; those crazy SOB's don't care if they live or die usually as long as they get the job done. Still you have raised an important point and one that, as your smart and sultry sensei, I might have solved for you as long as there's no repeats of the stupidity I saw this morning – the library won't loan to me, well boohoo, get on with it. You want to be a ninja don't you?"

"Okay, okay", the worm of guilt thrashed around again and Naruto held up his hands in surrender, "I know that was stupid bu' I had almost nearly died 'cause I tried to turn into a nin-ken". Anko sniffed and shook her head,

"Near-death experiences are no excuse gaki; you just grit your teeth, say a prayer to Kami that you're still alive and get on with it. Anyway, this scroll contains what we're going to be covering over the next week or so; what's the first thing you can tell me about the plan?" Eagerly unrolling the scroll Naruto looked over its contents avidly only to furrow his brow and look up,

"Uhh, it's all sealed up, I can't see..."

"Yep, storage seals first", Anko overrode him, not letting him speak as she explained her decision, "you've got a tolerable handle on disguise and now that I've seen your deep-cover mask I'm expecting you to carry on you at all times enough props to come up with not only that mask but at least three separate minute-masks as well. Obviously this would be impracticable as well as downright suspicious if you suddenly started carrying around more cosmetics than a house of geisha, people might start asking all sorts of questions, so you need to know how to draw and seal equipment into scrolls. Also with your henge you may well have the options in the future to have two separate masks on, get where I'm coming from?"

"A disguise on top of a henge? Cool", the idea hadn't in all honesty occurred to Naruto but he was grateful that it had been pointed out, "that way I can drop one while keeping the other, they'll never know what I really look like".

"Exactly, now for the rest of it", Anko reached over and swiped a thumb over the seals in the scroll, releasing its contents of several different other scrolls, each tightly bound and secured, and what looked to be a very large poster of a human body in various stages of skinlessness, from bare bones to fully-formed, "looks boring I know but everyone has to start somewhere. Basic biology", she elaborated, flicking open the binding of the first scroll and unrolling it to let Naruto see the heading; Main Organ Systems of Humans, Senju Tsu...; he missed the last part of the name as Anko dropped the scroll to carry on her explanation, "Sarutobi-sama himself said that you can't use jutsu while henged and I'll take his word for it, so that just means you'll have to learn a different way of killing. Believe it or not I do have med-nin training, one of the reasons I'm so good at what I do; some of that training it what I'm going to be passing down to you".

"What?" Naruto looked down disbelievingly at all the scrolls, there had to be over twenty of them, "all of this?"

"And more", Anko assured him with a smirk, "but don't worry, there's some practical element to all this as well, it's not all reading and scroll-work. Here's the deal; you read all this and tell me what makes someone tick and then, regardless of whether you're using a blade, a senbon, your bare hands, if you want blood, no blood or whatever..."

Her foot moved, flicking the tall poster upwards just as her hand became a blur – even before Naruto had turned around the anatomy poster had struck the back all, pinned there by a quartet of senbon with accuracy that made him cringe slightly and reminded him just how lethal his sensei could be if provoked, though she did a good job of hiding it as she casually smiled and flicked a last senbon, impaling the fully-skinned figure of the poster in an area that immediately made Naruto cringe and clamp his thighs together,

"...I'll show you how to make the ticking stop. Oh yes", she gave a smile, eyes delighted as she watched the last senbon slowly stop quivering where it had embedded itself in the wall, "you need to learn assassination, concealment and espionage like 'Nai-chan needs to get laid; by the end of next week I'll have laid the groundwork for this kind of training and get the word out on the training fields to you up to speed on the rest of it. Any questions?"

"Wha's getting laid – Kurenai-san's not sick is she?"

"No she's not, and never mind; look, just get ready to read a lot and work even more because by the end of next week if you can look at me without screaming in fear or flying into a violent rage, I'm not doing my job right!"

XXX

Though perhaps understandable due to his age and, despite his unfortunate circumstances in being generally disliked by pretty much everyone in his home village, it had never really occurred to Naruto until he started reading up on even basic anatomy just how complicated and integrated his body actually was. Everything from cellular structure to neural impulses had to work together in seamless synchronicity for him just to breathe and stay alive; when it came to walking and talking, never mind fighting, it appeared to him to be a minor miracle that he was even able to function at all without devoting extraordinary brainpower just to keep his heart beating and his lungs inflating, the basic things his body needed to keep itself ticking over. He'd never known, never even considered just how amazing every human body was and how many different parts it was made up of until Anko-sensei had introduced him to the elementary medical-ninja training scrolls.

Unfortunately he also hadn't given much thought to the myriad ways there were of making such a marvel of biochemical ingenuity stop working; luckily for him though Anko-sensei took her time to point at least some of these ways out to him. Personally.

"Yeeooowww! I need dat wrriiiiieeeeeooouucchhh!"

"See", the chunin spoke calmly over the row of her flailing student, the palm of one hand locking his elbow straight while the other had hold of the back of his hand and appeared to be attempting to twist it around like a corkscrew, with a reasonable amount of success if the volume of the shrieking was anything to go by, "twist the wrist both ways, doesn't matter in which order, to break it properly and stop them using that hand again unless they can get seen by a competent doctor, but if they're a lot stronger than you go for the fiddly bits", she dropped his hand like a puppy nin-ken fetching its owners slipper before seizing hold of her student's thumb, "dislocation of the thumb for instance, stops most hand-seals right off the bat". Grateful he couldn't see her vindictive smirk she gave a gentle tug on the captive digit, Naruto immediately screaming and swearing up a storm as she did so; such is the way of the world brat – you call me mummy one day, I make you scream uncle the next;

"Gaaahhh, I give I give", Naruto squealed, doing a great impression of a worm on a hook as he attempted to squirm his way out of his sensei's tenacious grasp, "I bet Mu-san neva had to go through this!" The complaint made Anko have to bite down on a sudden chuckle as she finally dropped the six-year olds arm, standing up and brushing her skirt down as Naruto immediately hugged his abused arm, moaning and gasping broken thanks that it was still attached to the rest of him,

"I'd bet he didn't but that's probably because he was competent rather than a snot-nosed little bug like you", Anko informed him, eyes crinkling in mirth as Naruto flopped onto his back and shot an evil glare up at her, "besides look on the bright side; at least because of this you're getting exercises in suppleness at the same time as learning the textbooks. You can dislocate your index fingers now can't you?"

"Only 'cause you pulled them out their sockets!" Never one to let facts take the shine off a stroke of good fortune Anko merely shrugged, wafting the point away like a cloud of midges,

"Can you blame me for having a sneezing attack at just the wrong moment – besides it happened, you snapped them back in; everyone's happy, get over it". Wincing as he gingerly rotated his wrist a touch and wiggled his fingers individually, the jinchuuriki slowly stood up from where he'd been thrown onto his side in his living room and faced down his sensei once more,

"This is about wha' happened in the Sandaime's office isn't it? I said sorry; hell even you said it was a good line!"

"True but take it from me there's nothing worse than a student with a huge ego; what happens in the Hokage office stays in the Hokage office but I thought it prudent to remind my student, i.e. you, of a basic truth in life", she favoured him with a smile as she ran a calloused hand through his tangled hair, ignoring his shout of protest at the gesture of rough affection, "she who laughs last and loudest is usually your sensei".

Naruto opened his mouth to argue the toss before closing it again, realising it probably wasn't worth the aggravation and, though he wouldn't admit it out loud, she was probably right; his apartment block was deserted so there was no-one to hear his screams of pain or pleas for mercy. These past few days had taught him much and, with only one week to go until Liberation day, as Anko had dubbed the day when her month of tutoring was over, he found himself oddly looking forwards to learning even more about the best way to slice a throat to make sure no blood sprayed on your clothes, or how to cripple an enemy ninja without killing him so he could be interrogated earlier. Even more of Anko-sensei's dreaded flexibility training wasn't quite as scary as it once had been, though this might have been due to the fact he had a high pain threshold and his joints were, according to Anko, rather more supple than she'd been expecting, something he guessed he had to be grateful to Guy-san for. Still; he winced as another twinge shot through his shoulders – try as he might he couldn't do the handcuff trick with them just yet though he was close; another week should more than do it and ensure even as a 'civilian' he should be able to slip out of normal police restraints; after this even I could use an early night – oh come on; the sight of a second sensei appearing in his lounge was enough to make his body start protesting in aches and pains all over again; this is so not fair;

"Don't worry brat", reading his face like an open book, though to his meagre credit such an action was a little harder than it had been in the past, Anko decided to spread her good mood as her shadow clone eyed the pre-genin before her with an almost hungry gleam in her eye, "she'll be on her best behaviour. An hour or so of Hebi-style sparring then you can either hit the books or go to bed".

"Careful though", the shadow clone piped up with a grin, eyes widening as she tried to look fragile, an idea that made Naruto simultaneously smile and shudder, "I bruise easily. Pop me and that's it, no more training for you".

"And I will be less than happy", the real Snake Mistress shot over her shoulder, having shucked on her trench coat and started heading for the door, "anyway, I'm out for the night and you're not coming; I'll be in late and up later; wake me up at your peril tomorrow".

"Hai, hai", he waved a hand, almost immune to her casual threats on his life, "don't do anythin' I wouldn't do". At that little quip Anko snorted and looked over her shoulder,

"You really have taken that book to heart haven't you?" At his proud nod the Snake Mistress snorted again, shaking her head and heading for her favourite bar, "Good; when you finally get to the ninja Academy give them hell from me; someone's gotta knock the starch out of those stuffy instructors".

"Will do sensei, it'll be a pleasure if they're anything like Ten-chan says they are".

"Take it from me they're worse", Anko informed him, waving over her shoulder as she left the lounge, the slam form the front door a second later lost on him as he leapt back from the shadow clone's first attack,

"Eyes front minion", the bushin barked, Naruto immediately assuming his own stance, slightly different to her as the Hebi-style allowed such free-form rather than rigidity, "you're on touch contact only unless you want me to pop but if I can hit you you'll know about it – right then", she swung forwards, eyes as blank and showing as much as a doll's eyes as she plucked them out and let her body move on its own, "dance brat, dance!"

XXX

One and a half gut-bursting hours later Naruto was still feeling the effect of the spar, unable to conclusively beat even a clone of his teacher as he knew even one of her attacks landing home would have either crippled of possibly killed him outright. Hebi-style was based around the principle of killing with a single strike, or as close to a single strike as possible; because of this it used mostly single-finger hits to vital points on the opponent's body, usually nerve clusters or where veins and arteries were present near the surface of the body, though occasionally bursts of chakra could be sent through the enemy's body to rupture vulnerable organs such as the spleen. That made sparring with the style all at once easy but painful; easy for Anko and her clones as all he could do at the minute was poke them lightly as he wasn't quite accurate (or tall) enough to hit the pressure points of a moving target – about the worst he'd been able to do so far was make her recoil backwards laughing as he gave her a dig in the side or the ribs. However when the boot was on the other foot Anko seemed to regard mercy as a word in a dictionary – Naruto now knew exactly how it felt to try and fight with a numb arm or hobble on a deadened leg; indeed he was counting his blessings she hadn't yet hit any of the serious pain-centres of the body; well, not more than once or twice anyway.

Shuddering as phantom agony ghosted up and down his arms again Naruto looked over as the kettle boiled, heating up the water for an evening snack as he browsed through another medical book on his kitchen table, this one detailing the formation of bones, ligaments and tendons. Ah, so that's why Anko-sensei kept going for the crook of the elbow; looking over the diagram of that particular joint he saw a few things start to make sense; nice target area that one – hit the outside you can jar the joint or even dislocate the elbow itself, hit the inside you can rupture the tendons or the blood vessels and cause stiffness of the joint. And cause pain of course, can't forget the pain; Anko-sensei certainly didn't and took a great deal of time and effort explaining exactly how pain could be caused and used as a friend to distract or destroy an enemy. Having heard the kettle boil he decided it was time to take a break and had just pulled the foil flap of his instant ramen cup back to add the hot water when a sudden crash from the front door made him jump upwards, a few stray flakes of ramen scattering over the kitchen floor as he hastily dumped his beloved food on the counter top and ran into the hall, taking one look at the shape that had stumbled inside the front door and was now half-slumped against the opposite wall,

"Anko-sensei!"

It was indeed the Snake Mistress, though she looked like she'd seen better days; the chunin was hunched over against the wall, holding her left side and breathing heavily, an air of exhaustion about her as she raised her head wearily at his panicked shout, just about summoning the energy to smile at her worried student,

"Heh, if you think I look bad you should see the other guy; no", with a grunt and a heave she pushed herself upright on unsteady legs, her free hand catching on the opposite wall even as she swayed and slurred out almost drunkenly, "the day I'm too weak to walk is the day they finally bury me". Taking in her appearance and letting out a low sigh as he realised that it looked worse than it was in that Anko appeared to be more exhausted than actually hurt or, even worse, drunk, Naruto found himself agreeing with her assessment,

"An' I'll be the first to pour sake on your grave, as long as you don't mind it going through my kidneys first; come on", he tentatively took a step forwards and held out a hand, "I've just boiled the kettle, there should be enough f'you to get a cup of tea". More grateful for the offer than she let on Anko smirked and forced herself fully upright, ignoring his hand as she stepped forwards slowly,

"You know brat, you've really got a knack for a sharp line when you can – I'll be keeping an eye out for you when you gate-crash the Academy. If you can drive at least one of your instructors into early retirement you've got my vote for chunin".

"I'll keep it in mind sensei", Naruto assured her diplomatically as he led the way into the kitchen, fishing for a cup as the Snake Mistress slumped into a seat and curled up on the table, groaning again and closing her eyes as her tired legs finally started to relax; good job boys, you got me back here – now you can just fall off and leave me in peace before the cramps start.

There was a clink of china from just underneath her nose a moment later and she perked up in time to inhale a deep lungful of aromatic tea, something she herself had brought after the first few days of apartment-sharing with the Uzumaki brat as she was fairly certain the Hokage would have taken a very dim view of her turning the home of a six-year old into a convenient stash for her sake. Gratefully picking up and throwing back a massive gulp of the scalding liquid, Anko smacked her lips and belched loudly in satisfaction,

"Ahh, that's the stuff; you're a long way from holding a tea ceremony kid but you're not actually that bad at making the stuff".

"Shame you're a pig when it comes to enjoying it", Naruto countered, cleaning the echoes out of his ear with his pinkie as he stirred the cup of instant ramen with the chopsticks in his free hand, belligerence softening as he looked over to the woman again, "bu' what happened out dere sensei?" Anko's eyes narrowed and her nostrils flared; for a second she considered taking out her righteous vengeance on the one before her; after all it was ultimately his fault why her night had gone so disastrously wrong; but caution and the aches from over her body were just enough to dissuade her from violence and let her tongue do the explaining rather than her fists,

"What happened is that someone opened their big mouth and because of that", she shuddered, the idea that had plagued her earlier in the day returned with a vengeance and, even worse, now firmly rooted in the minds of some of her closest friends, planting poisonous seeds in their expectations until she was able to tear them out and purge them with fire, "several people now think I'm now something even worse than just your uke..."

XXX

She knew, call it feminine intuition, call it gut instinct or whatever, but she just knew the second she walked into one of her regular haunts and saw a smile slide greasily onto the face of someone who was usually too bowel-looseningly terrified of her reputation to even look in her direction that some kind of fix was in,

"Okay 'Nai-chan", ignoring her best friends' significant other and moving onto the easier of the two targets, the chunin took her regular order and did her best to look around the rest of the assembled surreptitiously, "your boyfriend's smiling at me and you're not slapping him upside the head; this worries me".

"It worries me even more that you, you of all people let me down like that", the genjutsu mistress snapped back, though even as Anko recoiled at her friend's unusually harsh words she didn't miss the slightly teasing lilt that flavoured her tone; okay upgrading 'worried' to 'panicked' – Nai-chan never teases anyone; "the one time, the only time I decided to put my money where my mouth is about you and it all goes so horribly wrong".

"You put a bet on me? Fair enough, doubt there isn't a ninja in Konoha who hasn't", even though most of them lost when she was involved Anko was never going to stop them – the old proverb regarding money and fools had kept her coffers full even when missions were lean, "and judging by the smile on your jug-eared mug I take it you won?" Seeing the Snake Mistress's eyes on him, the older chunin snapped to attention, his dark glasses almost slipping off his nose as he did so,

"Hai Mitarashi-san, though I confess the manner of my victory was, somewhat unexpected. I, in fact we all misjudged your emotions in this matter - to use common parlance", dropping the teacher-speak as Anko had dubbed it, Ebisu smiled and bowed shallowly to the shorter figure, "you really came through good for me and I owe you one".

"Not a problem; just let me sit in on the lap-dance Nai-chan gives you – that was the wager wasn't it?" Seeing both partners suddenly crimson, Kurenai almost choking on her drink, Anko once more found herself groaning at their ineptitude, "Oh for Kami's sake just stop dancing around each other and do the horizontal dance – a good lay for the pair of you's about the only thing I haven't tried to loosen you both up, you especially Nai-chan". Spluttering and coughing as she swallowed fresh air, Anko's brazenness once more catching even her on the fly, the red-eyed woman looked over at her friend as though she'd just crawled out from under a rock and started sunbathing nude,

"You are", she began, flames of outrage fanning around her raven mane of hair as the tirade went on, "the most obnoxious, self-absorbed, sadistic nymphomaniac I have ever had the displeasure to cross paths with – how Mouse-chan is going to survive when that paperwork goes through I have no idea! He'll be going out the training grounds just to stay sane after about a month with you!"

"You give her too much credit Kurenai-chan", as she felt a strong, if somewhat thin, arm wrap around her shoulders the woman let the frustration steam out on her breath, Anko as always trying to pull herself together from the sniggers of hearing her friends' condemnations; damn it, every time, every time she manages to wind me up enough to get me to snap! Sometimes I think the only reason I got those Ice-Maiden nicknames was so there was a big tempting target nailed to my forehead so Anko would leave everyone else alone; "I give the poor rodent a fortnight tops before he starts pitching a tent in the Forest of Death".

Oh don't you flatter me too much", Anko grinned, miming coyness before the second part of both speeches caught up with her and her expression morphed into quizzicalness, "wait, what's the gaki got to do with this – don't tell me you bet on him too?"

"He was part of it", Ebisu admitted, rather perceptively taking half a step back in case Anko truly blew her top as, friend of Nai-chan's or otherwise, the Snake Mistress outright terrified him at times, "the wager was to see if he could even without trying force you to get attached to him, though I must say I never expected things to go quite this smoothly, or this far". Seeing where this was going Anko unusually decided it was too nice a night to ruin by getting irritated and instead simply shrugged, slipping into a seat just along from the bar as she perused the drinks list,

"Give the brat his due he's got a way of getting the best out of a situation, and making situations work for him", she commented off-handedly, her mind resetting itself slightly to the sudden shock of feeling contact under her hand where she'd expected there to be nothing but air and chakra, Naruto's deep-cover alter-ego starting back at her affronted as he rubbed the bruise on his head, "hell it's got to the stage now where I'm sure I wouldn't tie him up and leave him in the Forest of Death as a bear snack unless he did something stupid like try to smile near me".

"Nice try Anko-chan"; eh?; she'd expected that to be the end of the matter as she'd virtually admitted she had grown a little closer to her temporary student over the month she'd been with him but obviously Kurenai had different ideas if the grin on her full red lips was anything to go by, "you say those things but you don't mean them, I know you better than that. Besides", the grin only increased in length as Anko felt the nape of her neck start to itch, a sure sign in her book that something she was not going to like was lurking just around the corner waiting for her to walk into it, "the Sandaime will never sign off the paperwork with that kind of attitude".

"Paperwork?" The Snake Mistress parroted, fighting off the urge to reach for a kunai, "What are you going on about...?"

"Oh for Kami's sake stop being so stubborn", the itching only intensified as a bite of impatience entered Kurenai's voice, "I know you've got the whole loner-who-doesn't-give-a-damn act but you of all people should be able to drop a mask. You just don't want to admit that Naruto broke you down, got his hooks in you and made you put your sign on the dotted line". What?;

"Okay, now officially confused here", contrary to popular opinion Anko could keep her temper when she could see getting angry wouldn't help the situation, "what the hell was I supposed to have signed this time; if I can't remember it it's because I was drunk and therefore any contract is null and void".

For the first time her words seemed to throw her friends off, Ebisu and Kurenai sharing a glance before, apparently being elected as spokesperson, Ebisu spoke a little more delicately,

"According to, ah, reasonably reliable sources, you were observed with your, charge in the Hokage's office earlier today; according to these sources the reason for this visit was to..." He immediately clammed up and started perspiring hard as Anko suddenly slammed her fist down onto the bar and glared around at him, expression murderous as she saw, or at least thought she saw, exactly where this was going,

"If you, either of you, so much as imply that I asked the Hokage to marry my so-called shotacon only one of us will be leaving this bar alive in the future and I swear it won't be either of you two. Speak Ebisu", she requested, not giving the other chunin a chance to sneak his way out of this, "what did your so-called source say went on in the office, where there were only the three of us there?"

"Well", once more Ebisu was forced to screw up his courage as much as he was able to and, with a rush, got it all out in the open, "he said that you were there to request guardianship of Uzumaki-san".

The temperature of the bar dropped so quickly the glasses-wearing chunin was half-tempted to check if the Snake Mistress was using a Hyoton jutsu of some kind; she was so angry she actually looked calm, the paled face and blank expression belied by the raw intent to maim someone or something in the very immediate future that was boiling beneath her calm veneer, a school of blood-maddened piranha thrashing just below the surface of a tranquil lake. She took a deep breath, then another, both her fellow chunin looking on with trepidation, ready to hurdle the table and use it for cover at the sight of the first flicker of fire on the Snake Mistress's breath,

"Which person", her voice was frozen malice, eyes snapping open and glaring with a force that could have put a weak-hearted man in his grave, "which soon-to-be rotting corpse put about the rumour that I would ever want to a, adopt", even the word made her skin crawl, "and how the hell did...?"

The eyes had it; the second Kurenai's eyes had moved Anko had followed them and a streak of silver flickered across the room; as always dodging without apparently meaning to, Kakashi glanced up at the shuriken quivering in the wall by the side of his head before eye-smiling over the top of his book at the now furious chunin,

"Evening Anko-chan", apparently immune to the killing intent that had suffused the atmosphere the Copy-ninja returned to his book, "anything you were after?"

"Your testicles, on a skewer", the Snake Mistress hissed back, plucking more shuriken out her equipment pouch and readying them for the fight that was about to happen, "what the hell did you say, and who did you say it to?"

"Oh just a few people, here and there", he shrugged carelessly, unconcerned about the death that was stalking him across the bar room floor, "what, I thought you'd be grateful – he's already calling you his mother and I'm sure you can get dango for a baby-shower", he swatted a brace of kunai out the air with the spine of his Icha Icha, taking in Anko's now brilliantly red face and bared-fang snarl with a second eye-smile, "I thought it looked rather cute myself".

"You, me, Forest of Death, right now". His plan having come to fruition, the jounin snapped his book closed and replaced it away in his pocket, gesturing towards the door,

"As you command Anko-chan, though it pains me to say this will just have to be a spar, nothing more", just before he disappeared into a cloud of smoke he gave his final cutting line, "I'm not looking to be a family man just yet".

Just as Anko screamed in rage and activated her own technique to arrive in the place she considered her second home, Kurenai finally let go of her laughter and, ordering another drink, turned to her boyfriend and immediately offered him a double or quits on their previous wager as to what state the two combatants would be in by the end of the night.

XXX

The memory of that spar, fun as it had been, was now etched into the aches of her skin and bones as she slumped at the kitchen table, drinking cooling tea as her explanation finished and she sat back with a sigh, feeling her chakra slowly replenishing itself as she'd burn through most of it in her training. Kakashi was a true professional and never held back in a spar – like most ANBU, his philosophy was 'train hard and fight easy' – and he'd been a jounin almost since before she'd joined the Academy.

"But, but how did Kakashi-senpai know we were with jiji?"

"He's in ANBU kid", she replied as she stretched her legs out and groaned as the stressed muscles pinged in pain, "he must have been in the Hokage office when you pulled that little stunt of yours; remind me I need to kick your ass for that tomorrow". Trying to avoid the cold sweat that broke out over his forehead at those words Naruto tried to steer the conversation into safer waters,

"So, did you get 'im?"

"I can dream; I tagged him a couple of times but if Kakashi was being serious I'd be dead ten times over before I got close", the Snake Mistress grudgingly admitted, stretching off her neck and arms, "he's one of our best for a reason, one of the reasons I'm always trying to cadge training off him".

"By throwing kunai at him?"

"Best way to do it", she assured him breezily, "though sometimes a snake for variety works wonders as well; a ninja never teaches you more than when he's out for your blood. Also helps that Kakashi's mask has an allure all of its own – there's a standing reward for the kunoichi who manages to pull it off his face at last". Thinking on this, Naruto decided to ask,

"Any idea why he wears that mask?" Anko shrugged,

"None whatsoever; he's worn it ever since I've known him and before that as well as far as I know. Still he grew up in war, right out on the front line and it's changed him a lot, made him a damn good ninja though". Seeing his teacher sit back on her seat with a slightly distracted air about her Naruto decided he could see the similarities between her and Ebisu, on this occasion at least; because of that similarity he took a breath and crossed his fingers before asking the question that could see him enlightened if he was lucky and quite messily deceased if he wasn't,

"Umm, Anko-sensei", she looked over just as he managed to dredge up a sickly-looking smile from somewhere, "do you, like Shar-ing-han Kakashi?"

The look she gave him was somewhere between amazement and disgust and he had his fingers squeezed together very tightly to pray that the former outweighed the latter; the two of them existed in an billowing, uncomfortable silence until, to his obvious relief, she chuckled and shook her head,

"Nah, not in the way you're thinking about at least; it's not easy to explain a relationship brat, least of all relationships between ninja, but Kakashi and I, we sort of understand each other", the post-exercise buzz was in full flow, the rush of endorphins dulling the pain and, as a result, loosening her tongue somewhat as she made an effort to clue him in, "we've both been through pain in our lives and we don't show it to the world, Kakashi with his mask, me by just being...well, me I guess. Because of that we get on, we certainly don't love each other least of all after that little stunt he just pulled, but we get on, that's about all I could ask for really, least of all with a ninja like Hatake Kakashi".

"Hatake?" The unfamiliar name confused Naruto somewhat, "I thought his name was..."

"You thought wrong; Sharingan is his nickname, something to do with a gift from an old friend, his real name's Hatake Kakashi. But to answer your question no, I do not like Kakashi in the same way Nai-chan likes her teacher-kun...hmm", a sudden devil of mischief popped up on Anko's shoulder and began whispering instructions into her interested ear, "actually that's a thought. Ebisu wants to be a teacher, what else would he want other than a naughty schoolgirl of his own – I should still have a uniform somewhere I could loan her. Ah", remembering her audience, Anko glanced over at where Naruto was by this point doing his best not to look too confused, "not a word of that to anyone; its adult stuff you wouldn't understand".

"Oh, okay", Naruto knew when to argue and when to give it up as a lost cause, though Anko obviously must have caught something of a guilty look on his face as she suddenly swallowed what was left of her tea and spoke again,

"Spit it out brat".

"Huh?"

"You're not fooling anyone, least of all me", she glanced at him from the corner of her eye, "you're thinking about something other than ramen, a minor miracle as far as you're concerned, so spit it out; brat", seeing Naruto still shying away from speaking his mind the chunin eased off the kid gloves, a hint of steel in her formerly soft gaze, "unless you can pull a Kakashi and figure out a way to beat half-a-dozen of my favourite summons and me simultaneously I suggest you spill your guts".

"Promise not to hit me?" The question made her raise an eyebrow but she eventually nodded, now curious despite herself,

"Okay I won't hit you"; unless it's really embarrassing or I get bored; Naruto bit his lip for a second before, screwing up his courage with one hand and taking his life in the other, he let his suspicions out in a rush,

"I think you'd make a great mother".

In all honesty it hadn't quite been the last thing she'd been inspecting but, being just above the admission that he didn't want to be a ninja any more, it was right down there at the bottom of the list. If she'd still been holding her tea cup she'd have dropped it to smash on the floor as her jaw dropped, head moving towards him without her neck moving as he gabbled his reasons desperately,

"I mean you're a real strong kunoichi an' you can beat pretty much anyone, 'specially me. You act hard bu' you must care about some people, like Kurenai-san, or Kakashi-san – if they was in trouble you'd walk through Makai to get to them. Your kid would be brought up hard, but you'd be fair with him an' that's the best way to be surely, he'd never be spoilt but he'd never go..."

"Enough", truthfully she'd not heard more than a buzzing in her her ears since his first bombshell proclamation but she got the gist of what he was trying to say; she just couldn't believe he'd had the balls to come out and say it, and in a way she couldn't just laugh it off easily either, "did that story of Kakashi-bakas' get your hopes up or something? Sorry if it did but there's no way I'm ever going to consider adopting you, if only because I'd have throttled you in your sleep after the first week or so of your business starting up again". Naruto's look showed nothing but disbelief of her claim until he eventually shrugged, muttering,

"Didn't want you as a mother, more like a nee-chan", that was a bit of a step down but, if pushed, Anko decided she could live with that; after all, not like he doesn't think of most of the other chunin, and maybe the ramen girl and Panda-chan as his nee-chans; "or my favourite uke".

"And you were doing so well", the Snake Mistress sighed dramatically, realising with a deep sense of relief that he'd made his point as was now back to the familiar joke territory both of them liked to explore so much, "now I'm afraid I have to kill you".

"You and what army 'kaa-san'?" Uh oh; he knew that look and, as Anko bit her thumb enough for a tiny little bead of blood to show, bright red and liquid against her skin, he realised he'd said something very, very silly indeed,

"Word to the wise my beloved little sochi", the sarcasm dripped off the word like the blood dripped off her thumb; one explosion of smoke later and Naruto found himself vaulting onto the table as the floor of his kitchen suddenly started wriggling, every inch covered by a serpent of some sort gazing up at him hungrily, "never ask a ninja with a summoning contract that question. Especially when their summons", she smirked evilly, a stark contrast to Naruto's shriek of horror as the living tide of snakes slowly began to crawl their way up the legs of his table, "consider mice a light snack!"

Even years after that night's activities eventually ended, it would be a long, long time before Naruto could even look at anything even resembling a snake without shrieking in fear or throwing the nearest sharp object at it. Needless to say, this caused a fair few issues during his first few D-rank missions; kunai and hose-pipes tend not to mix very well.

XXX

"I laughed when I heard of his dream to become Hokage", as she began her debrief she felt a sense of déjà-vu sweep over her as Sarutobi listened to her words without judgement, without comment, "I'm not laughing now. You said he'd one day sit on that vaunted seat; I just hope I'm there to see it, if only so I can hide an explosive tag under the cushion".

"He does have that effect on people Anko-chan, you more than most from what I hear", the Sandaime agreed with a slight chuckle before he began slightly more serious, "so what have you taught young Naruto-kun, how has he progressed, recommendations for the future and any other information you find relevant?" Anko nodded and began,

"SAID", her first word, itself an acronym of the rarest type of ninja was enough even to make the old man's eyes widen; Sabotage, Assassination, Infiltration and Demolition – he must have made quite the impression on you; "took the kid two weeks, maybe three to pick up how to come up with and put together a minute-mask – okay it still needs work but he'll do that in his own time. Chakra control's nothing to write home about but he is getting slightly better..."

"That may be due to his tenant", Sarutobi broke in, not wanting the youngster to take the blame for something he had no control over, "his reserves are much larger than they should be, making it hard for him to control them". Anko nodded,

"Yeah I heard from Nai-chan's team – well, he'll get it down through pig-headed stubbornness to give in if nothing else. Apart from that though his henge", she tailed off, shaking her head as even now she couldn't quite believe what she'd seen, "it might have been a bit of a bad influence but I had him read up on Mu, the Nidaime Tsuchikage – he might have a new idol now".

"And not a bad one to have if truth be told – I saw similar promise through the eyes of the student's jutsu. Still, recommendations?"

"For the most part let him get on with it"; interesting; "I gave him the absolute bare-bones of Hebi-style and he's figuring the rest out himself, then over the past week to compliment his chakra-less henges I've had him running on how to hide a chakra signature. Also because he couldn't do a genjutsu to save his life because of his chakra control, I spoke about how a ninja can escape genjutsu – wuss was too scared to go through the pain option, so I explained how to flare his chakra. Three guesses what he did next Hokage-sama?"

"He mastered them already, or", natural caution reared its head, "he has a tolerable skill in both?" Anko shook her head,

"No, not yet; his chakra's too large for him to compress or explode easily, at least it is with his current level of control. No, what he's doing now is combining the two techniques; he shrinks his chakra down then releases it, then shrinks it down again, trying to get faster each time – he calls it the heartbeat method. He's got a handle on biology, human biology that is and I'm confident that, if he had to, he could hit and kill someone, though of course", she hastily amended her last words as the Sandaime raised an eyebrow, "I'm certain he won't put those lessons into practice until he's at least passed out of the Academy".

"I should hope not", the venerable man replied before continuing, "however I'm pleased to hear you committing to your responsibilities; I stand by what I said a month or so ago, you are one of Konoha's finest chunins regardless of your faults".

Despite herself Anko couldn't help but feel pride glow from her core at the praise, though as she remembered something else she needed to say she motioned for permission to speak and, at Sarutobi's nod, continued,

"My thanks Hokage-sama but apart from that, one thing I would recommend for when the Mouse is back on his training fields and uprooting old scrap to trade with. Any taijutsu training should rely on his accuracy, rather than strength at this stage though some speed-work may help – worst come to worst send him out for morning runs with the string-bean, if that doesn't cure him of getting up early nothing will", the thought of getting up when it was still dark with only Gai's booming voice and impassioned speeches of youth was enough to make even the Snake Mistress shiver before she regained her composure, "apart from that though I said I'd get the word out about showing him trap making, setting and detection so that's that job done, and as long as it's taught in a way where he can have fun with it, he'll make his own entertainment".

"I, ah", taken slightly aback by the last sentence of her explanation, Sarutobi looked to gain further insight into her thought, "I don't quite follow Anko-chan".

"I was worried at first we'd lose him to burn-out", she began to explain, "then it hit me that the brat doesn't train because that's all he can do, it's partly because it's what he wants to do. He's one of these ninja that does best when someone shows him something, pats him on the head and then just lets him go nuts with it; I can virtually guarantee that after someone shows him how to set a basic snare, if you give him permission to go wild with it he'd be sending ninja flying left, right and centre over the training grounds. It's hard to see him coming, hell because of the ninja rules he got taught first off he's virtually always thinking of how he can get the best out of a situation and believe me Hokage-sama", she cupped a hand over the left side of her abdomen, recalling when Naruto, capitalising on a slight slip of hers, had shocked her with a finger-poke imbued with chakra to what would have been a debilitating nerve point had she not twisted in time, "fighting fair to that nin is what bathwater is to an Inuzuka's nin-ken".

The analogy gave them both a chuckle before the Hokage nodded his head and bade her stand down,

"My thanks for your time Anko-chan; you have helped set an old man's mind at ease", he told her sincerely before an idea seemed to occur to him, "as thanks how about a dinner at Ichirakus on my tab? Just yourself, me and your student who, I hope, may one day blossom from your seme into something a little more permanent – as Hokage I do have the power to marry people you know?" Do not assassinate the boss, do not assassinate the boss;

"If there was ever any doubt in my mind you trained Jiraiya the Legendary Lecher, that doubt is now scrubbed from my mind Sandaime-sama", Anko told him, fighting to keep a lid on her blush, "and before you say anything I'm not going to be the little sod's mother either. Still I'm never one to pass up a free buffet so I'll be there, so will he if it's ramen in the offering".

XXX

True to her prediction Naruto virtually dragged her to the ramen shack for diner, greeting both his jijis and Ayame-chan with equal enthusiasm before guzzling down several bowls of his favourite dish, the Sandiame and Anko making polite conversation as they were both sat to his left, the Hokage in the middle,

"So then Anko-chan, liberation at last?"

"And not a day too soon", the chunin assured him, blowing on a choice morsel of her beef ramen before popping it into her mouth, "any longer and I might well have cracked and unleashed my own brand of pest-control all over Konoha".

"Hey", having drained his latest bowl and passed it back for a refill, Naruto defended his good name, "I'm not a pest!"

"Wanna bet?"

"Yeah I do; until midnight tonight you're still my teacher Anko-sensei", Naruto reminded her, the last few syllables drawled out as he plotted his next move and went for it, " it's not like you did all tha' much teachin' either, I didn't get most of the things you were saying. Maybe you'd know jiji", the Hokage looked across as Anko suddenly felt suspicious, only for her blood to turn to ice a second later at his next question, "a lot of the time Anko-sensei was telling me to not ask or never mind, maybe you know what she meant?"

The Hokage would forever be grateful he was faced away from the aforementioned chunin; he could virtually feel the frost that had sprung up around her in shock and could only guess at the frantic 'shut up' signs she was making behind his back even as he played along,

"Well Naruto-kun I'm not the Professor for nothing", his voice betrayed nothing but mild curiosity as he peered at his grandson again, "What terms did you not understand?" Naruto took just a second, just one, to savour the sight of Anko simultaneously pleading and threatening grievous bodily harm unless he kept his trap shut without saying a word before he relented and graciously let her off the hook,

"Well it was about ninja techniques; I know about things like futon, that's wind and katon's fire, bu' what's yoton when it's at home?"

"Oh, yoton", Sarutobi was caught slightly by surprise by this until he heard the undisguised sigh of relief from behind him and smiled slightly; ah, now I see – Naruto-kun truly has taken to humour like a duck to water; "well that's a dual-element, lava relief. It's usually made by combining earth and fire chakra, often by a bloodline and it's most common in Iwa, where the majority of doton users are found. Does that help Naruto-kun?"

"Perfect thanks jiji – see sensei", the boy looked over the old mans' shoulder at where Anko was trying not to look too relieved, "why can't you be a helpful as that?" The chunin winced at the hit, promised herself she would flay the brat to within an inch of his life the second the Sandaime wasn't around and quickly polished off her last meal – there was just one more thing she had to do prior to the evening rolling around,

"Because I'm not here to spoon-feed you anything, except maybe a healthy dose of poison", she told him in no uncertain terms before his attention was distracted by yet another bowl being set down before him, "and speaking of which, finish that off then listen in; I've got one last job for you once Hokage-sama's safely ensconced back in his tower".

That unfortunate fate happened not too long afterwards, Naruto waving his jiji goodbye as the Sandiame was unable to be away from his office too long at any one time lest the paperwork started getting over-amorous and began duplicating itself. The second the ornate hat was lost in the crowd Anko whipped around to the treacherous student who had nearly landed her in hot water once again only to see him neatly twitch his fingers in mid-air and though catching something,

"Another kunai I've taken for you sensei", he smirked, Anko's wrath deserting her as she realised that in a way he was right; the Hokage wouldn't have charged her but she would have bet three S-ranked missions he'd not have let it go unremembered that she'd introduced his grandson to a few of the fruitier terms ninja used in jest, "can we make it another week?"

"Over my dead body", the chunin assured him before flopping onto he seat next to him and, on a whim, ruffling his hair again, "come and see me when you graduate and then maybe, 'til then just try and keep out of trouble as best you can. Anyway, one last thing before the day is over and I wash my hands of you", even with his mouth full of noodles Naruto made an attempt to look interested as Anko leant across to him silkily, an evil purr on her lips as her hand rested on his shoulder and she whispered into his closest ear,

"How'd you fancy helping your dear old sensei pull the wool over the most famous eye in Konoha?"

XXX

"By the Kami, a miracle", Kakashi looked up from his book as the door was opened to reveal Mitarashi Anko in all her faux fish-netted glory, the chunin carrying on her oration as she theatrically checked her watch, "only an hour and a half late, will wonders never cease today?"

"Well I do my best not to keep a young lady waiting", the off-duty ANBU eye-smiled as he took in the little bag she held in one hand, "mau, are you sure a kunoichi such as yourself couldn't manage such a little thing on your own?"

"Ha", her laugh was more of a bark but as always that teasing quality was still there – the masked shinobi was only grateful she wasn't walking her fingers up his front yet, "after the hammering you gave me a week ago I'm still sore now; wasn't able to walk right for days – we need to do it again sometime".

"Hai, sometime", Kakashi agreed amiably as he reached for the bag – it wasn't that he was attracted to the kunoichi before him, though he would admit she was very good-looking in her own right, but he did like her as a sparring partner both in the physical and mental sense, something he wasn't looking to complicate with the excess emotional baggage of a relationship, "so then, where is your new place?"

"Oh hang on, it's..." she fished through the pockets of her trench coat before pulling out a grubby, creased piece of paper; after smoothing it out and squinting, she found the address, "...oh yeah, east side; I'd shunshin but don't know the place well enough; knowing my luck I'd end up halfway into a wall and my doton jutsu's are a little rusty".

"Ah, rusty earth, a nasty complaint to have; maybe a few remedial sessions with Tsume-san would help?"

"Only if you're volunteering to dig me up when she was finished with me; sometime I swear tha' woman's half-mole rather than half-wolf".

"Perhaps not then", the Copy-nin genteelly shot down his own suggestion before turning to lead her out of the apartment block she'd stayed in for just over a month, "so then, lead on Anko-chan".

XXX

Unknown to the jounin, as he left on the mission Anko had requested at the end of their impromptu spar a week ago, another figure had arrived at their destination and, having identified their target, immediately broke into a huge grin, summoned a clone and got down to business.

XXX

"Well then, home sweet home", Anko stated, looking around as she let herself in with the key she'd picked up earlier that morning, "just drop in the lounge somewhere Kakashi-kun, I'll deal with it later".

"You wish is my command Anko-chan", taking his order literally the jounin threw the bags carelessly into the middle of the room and dusted off his hands, "so then, jobs done and..." The sound of what was unmistakably a trench coat hitting the floor behind him was not altogether unexpected but it did pose a complication; Kakashi had a reputation as a ninja it was impossible to pin down and he had no intentions of losing it here to Mitarashi Anko; so then, try letting her down gently at first, if that doesn't work drop her off a cliff; "...ah, Anko-chan much as I'd like to help you get properly settled into this place I fear Guy-san challenged me to a duel at midday and I'm already running late so I will have to decline".

"Fine by me"; eh?; it was so unexpected that the jounin barely caught himself from opening his mouth with a rejoinder that was no longer necessary, "I mean it's embarrassing enough being a shotacon but a shota confused as a lolicon, that's gotta be the pits".

Kakashi span on his heel just in time for a cloud of smoke to disperse and Uzumaki Naruto to appear, bedecked in one of his sensei's spare shirts and chafing to redness because of it, his customary jumpsuit sealed in a scroll he'd taken out of one of the pockets of Anko's trench coat,

"Praise the Kami to be rid of that thing", he muttered, stepping out of the uncomfortable garment and kicking it away before activating his scroll and a second later stepping into the comforting embrace of his usual attire, Kakashi looking absolutely stunned by this transformation and hastily trying to reorientate himself before a sudden thought made itself very clear in his mind – regardless of how he'd been duped, all that mattered was that because he had been caught unawares Anko was who-knew-where and undoubtedly up to some kind of mayhem and mischief, and he only had a single lead to go on,

"I assume you are Uzumaki Naruto then; Mouse-san as you're sometimes known?"

"Yeah, that's me, and before you ask", he held up a hand as the single eye hardened, "I didn't have a choice; do you know what that woman can do with four small snakes, a pair of chopsticks and an empty tea cup?" No but I can take a guess it's not pleasant; seeing Kakashi shake his head the ninja-in-training gave another shiver and looked up seriously,

"Do yourself a favour and hope you never find out – brr", he shook himself down and looked up again, "all I know is she roped me into this project and said it's good for my henge training as long as you didn't use your Sha-ring-an – I have no idea where she is..."

The rest of his sentence was lost as Kakashi suddenly erupted in smoke and vanished, leaving Naruto coughing and wiping his streaming eyes; but I guess you do. Oh well, not my problem; with that thought in his mind the jinchuuriki looked around, saw everything was in order, walked out the door and locked it, dropped the keys through the letter ox and took off for home before the irked jounin came looking for him.

XXX

It had been a long time since Hatake Kakashi had known fear but now, now as he saw the bare, empty stretch of wooden shelf before him and held his head in despair as he realised Anko had struck like a snake into his most vulnerable point, he felt that sensation sweeping over him in great, all-smothering waves. He saw the note on his bed of course but was afraid of the contents; what if the devious hellion had smeared the precious pages, or even ripped...he shut off that thought with a conscious effort, he couldn't bear to think about such a thing now when his last remaining vice was in the hands of the enemy. Instead he steeled himself, reached down and flicked the letter open, trying to keep his killing intent down to levels that would only paralyse rather than kill any nearby civilians as he read,

Dear Kashi-kun,

Maa, these books are sooooo boring – I could have given you a better read when I was fourteen! Still there must be something about them you love, so come and find me – if you make it fast enough you might be able to save them before I get bored and break out the colouring pens.

See you in a while.

The one who puts all Icha Icha to shame,

Mitarashi Anko

Though at the moment he would have quite happily tossed the woman to Kyuubi and bidden the bijuu bon appétit the jounin couldn't help but grudgingly admit she had one thing right; the attached photo, showing Anko in all her naked splendour save for a couple of strategically-placed mint gold-edition Icha Icha volumes truly made her someone who would not have looked out of place in the hallowed pages of the premier literature. Not that such a thing was going to save her of course Kakashi reasoned to himself, already having caught her scent and moving to follow it with extreme prejudice; the second he caught up to that devious little harridan the first thing he'd be testing was the old legend that a snake could regrow a head if it was cut off. And cut off it will be; he promised as he flew across the city, little more than a blur against the skyline; slowly and with a very rusty, very dull kunai if I have any say in the matter!

A/N: Hmm, something else Naruto and Anko have in common; an unerring ability to get up the noses of those in authority. Still, that's the end of this little arc and Naruto has at least a grounding in the ninja arts – where does the little mouse go from here...?