Chapter 3B - Glenn Quagmire


Back in Reality B, Brian and Barbara had informed the rest of their first litter after meeting their adoptive families; the Swansons for Briana, and the Tubbs-Browns for Ollie.

When Glenn Quagmire overheard, he couldn't help but feel sorry for what happened to Jenny. So, he decided to have a talk with the unhappy parents, who were less than happy to see him.

"Listen, Brian," Glenn began, shrugging, "I know you're not the best person I know, what with your being a big sad alcoholic bore, a neglectful father, a poor dater, a terrible writer, and all that other stuff, but when I overheard you talking about what happened to your daughter..."

"What do you know, you dog-hating dick?" Brian replied harshly. "You show no sympathy for my family at all!"

"Yeah!" Barbara agreed. "So screw off, you perverted piece of shit!"

"Please, listen to me!" Glenn begged.

"Shut the hell up, Mr. Fag-mire!" Briana shouted.

"Briana!" Joe scolded Briana. "That's no way to talk to our neighbors."

"You don't know what he did to Mom and Dad, Joe!" Briana pointed. "He hated them both; always have, always will!"

"But you still can't talk about Mr. Quagmire that way," Joe replied.

"Yes, she can, Joe," Brian disagreed, joining his daughter's side. "Glenn has always been mean to me since 2009! He chewed me out one night for being the kind of person who doesn't pay anyone back, for calling my writing terrible, for my not being honest to the women I've dated, for my not being there for Dylan, for my being a two-time college failure, for my being an atheist, well, formerly, for my legalizing marijuana, and all that other stuff that I don't have time to mention!"

"Wait, that's why Quagmire hated you?" Peter asked Brian.

"Yeah!" Brian replied.

Peter narrowed his eyes harshly at his perverted neighbor.

"How dare you?" Peter growled.

"Oh, great!" Glenn shrugged, this time angrily at Brian. "Now you turn my own neighbor against me? I was going to admit my being wrong about you being who I thought you were, Brian. But now, you can just forget about it, because you're still a big sad alcoholic bore!"

"Glenn, that's enough!" Lois shouted, getting his attention.

The unhappy mother of the Griffin family seethed in response to the way Glenn has treated both Brian and Barbara.

"Brian may not be perfect, and neither Barbara, but they're still our dogs! And if you don't like it, then why don't you just move out of Quahog?"

Glenn was emotionally hurt by what Lois said to him. The woman whom he'd often been hitting had just turned on him.

"That's hurtful, what you just said, Lois," Glenn finally said after ten seconds of silence. "If that's how you feel about both Brian and Barbara, then maybe I shouldn't have met you or Peter at that college at all." Turning
to Brian and Barbara, he continued, "You two may have won the battle. But you haven't won the war."

With that, Glenn marched back into his house as he was now preparing to move out of Quahog.

Brian and Barbara shared smug glances with each other, knowing that they're now victorious over their hatred with Glenn.

"By the way, Brian, I've a question to ask you: Who's Dylan?" Barbara asked.

Brian sighed. "He's my human son, Barbara, and your stepson. I'll let you and the kids meet him one day."


As Glenn started packing, he looked sadly at the picture frame he took of himself, Peter, Cleveland and Joe at the Drunken Clam. He started to feel bad about leaving the friends he knew.

"Oh, Peter," he whispered. "I can't believe that I, being a dog hater, would be leaving Quahog without saying goodbye to you. Well, good luck to you and your family, and the friends you've known."


The next day, as Glenn's move began, Peter, Cleveland and Joe looked sadly that they were going to lose a neighbor.

"This is so unbelievable," Peter responded. "I mean, losing Quagmire? It's like losing Cleveland all over again."

"At least I came back in 2014 after the spin-off got cancelled," Cleveland added.

"Still," Joe replied, "it's sad to see Quagmire go."

"God knows where Quagmire might go," Peter added. "At least our dogs are happier now."

As Glenn gathered the last of his things, he turned to his friends with a harsh smile on his face.

"See you later, bitches," he said, flipping them off. "Have fun with your stupid goddamn giant chicken jokes and your Conway Twitty gags! Man, I've always wanted to say that."

With that, he got in his car and drove off, not looking back, leaving his three now-former friends puzzled.

"Well, that was unexpected," Peter said.

"Anyway," Joe began to Peter, "I wish you and your dogs and family luck, as well as your dogs' offsprings."

"Even if two of them are our dogs, too," Cleveland added.