"You're staring again."
"Jesus, Ter, scare a person much? Why does everyone think it's okay to sneak up on me, anyway? I thought I was too intimidating to sneak up on."
Terri McGregor rolled her eyes before replacing her bookmark and turning to Paige. "You were intimidating, now you're not. Now you're likeable, and likeable people aren't intimidating, and I couldn't have snuck up on you, Paige, I'm sitting right next to you."
"Yes, but you do it so quietly, it's almost like you're not even there."
"Which gives you the perfect opportunity to stare at a certain dark-haired mystery."
Paige scowled and Terri gave back her very best 'we both know I'm right' smirk. "I was not staring at anyone, I was merely looking in the general direction of the right side of the bus."
Terri's smirk faded into understanding. "Paige, it's all right, your secret's safe with me."
Paige felt her heart start to speed up and her throat suddenly felt dry. She hadn't been that obvious had she? Could anyone else tell? Did they all know she--
"I won't tell Ash you have a crush on Craig. It's not like you're the only one."
Oh. "Uh, thanks, Terri. You're a good friend." Terri smiled and Paige returned the gesture weakly, hoping it didn't look as fake as it felt. For a moment she'd almost gone into full-on Panic Attack Mode, a state she hated with a passion, but Terri wasn't quite as observant as she thought. She breathed a small sigh of relief. Paige Michaelchuck, deeply closeted lesbian, was in the clear, and so was her equally hidden crush on Alex Nunez.
Of course she'd heard the rumors, it was impossible not to. They'd started the year before when she started hanging out with Ellie Nash. She always thought she was fine with it, she still loved Dylan after he came out and she'd even set him and Marco up, but things were apparently different when you were the one having the illicit affair. At first she'd been pissed, wanted to track down the assholes who'd started the whole thing and have Spinner beat the crap out of them, then the anger faded and she just wanted it all to go away and let her get on with her life, then she finally went to talk to Ellie about it. Of course, Ellie was dealing with the situation in a very Ellie-like way: with logic and a grain of salt.
"It doesn't really bother me. I mean, it used to, when Marco was first coming out. I used to wonder if people saw me differently, like since he was gay I must be too because we're best friends and we 'dated.' And people did think that, and they thought Ash and I were dating for a while, and now they think it's you and me. That's the thing, no matter what I say or do, there's always going to be some moron who assumes just because I don't have a boyfriend and my best friend is gay that must mean I'm gay. I know that asshole's always going to exist and it has nothing to do with me, he's just too insecure and pathetic to get a girlfriend so he thinks we're all dykes. That's not my problem and I've stopped letting it be. People are stupid, Paige. They're always going to be stupid, it's just a matter of not letting it get to you. Besides," here she stopped and gave Paige a pointed look, "you and I both know there's nothing wrong with being gay."
Of course Ellie was right. She had an irritating habit of being right. Whenever Paige heard herself referred to as Paige Dykelchuck a few too many times in the halls she'd think back to what Ellie had said, people were stupid and that wasn't Paige's problem. She knew who she was, what other people thought didn't matter. But as they say, nothing gold can stay, and soon Paige was thrown into yet another existential crisis.
It happened slowly, almost imperceptibly, but her very platonic feelings toward Ellie somehow managed to shift into non-platonic territory. The things she liked about the girl were suddenly more likeable, better. She wasn't just the witty, intelligent, genuinely cool girl Paige had found at her worst, hiding in the girl's bathroom with a compass behind her back and blood running down her arm, now Ellie was this smart to the point of intimidation, funny, down to Earth person who always knew what to say to help Paige with any problem she had, and it scared her. Paige Michaelchuck wasn't used to be intimidated by anyone and she most definitely did not get flustered for no damn discernable reason. So she went to the authority on all things Ellie Nash, Marco Del Rossi.
"You want my honest opinion?"
"Yes. What is this? I mean, is it her, did she get smarter or something? Did I get dumber? I may not be the biggest bitch at Degrassi anymore, but I don't recall misplacing my unflappable demeanor when I put away my bitch bone, so what the hell is going on?"
"I think I know what your…problem with Ellie is." He paused, searching for the right words, finally settling on the direct route. "You're crushing on her. Hard, from the looks of it."
"What? Marco, in case you forgot, I'm not the same sex lover in the family, that would be Dylan. Remember him, I set you guys up?"
"Paige, when was the last time you had a boyfriend?"
"What does that honestly have to do with anything?"
He stared at her and Paige was almost positive his expression interpreted into words would say "Damn, but you Michaelchucks are dense sometimes." And then she got it. Really got it.
"Look, just because I haven't dated a guy in a while-"
"Paige, it's been over a year and you used to be totally boy crazy, complete with crazy arm waving. All I'm saying is that it's okay if you're not, you know, totally straight."
Who did he think he was? It was thanks to her that he even had a boyfriend. "Is this what you do when you're not making out with my brother? You keep some running tab of everyone you think is gay? Newsflash, Marco, I do not like girls, I cannot like girls. This isn't me, this isn't supposed to be my life! Being a lesbian definitely does not fit into my five-year-plan! Marco, what am I going to tell my dad? I mean, he was okay with Dylan, but after that he still had me. I mean, no one said it out loud, but we all knew it was my responsibility or duty to the family or what the hell ever to go to university, meet a great guy, get married and do the two-point-five-kids-and-a-golden-retriever thing. He's going to be crushed…" The anger and indignation that had fueled her rant was gone now, leaving only fear and a little bit of nausea in its wake.
Marco gingerly put his hand on her back and rubbed it up and down slowly. "Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe Ellie did get smarter, you're probably just overreacting, I'm sorry I said anything."
Paige sighed heavily and pinched the bridge of her nose, she could feel a monster headache coming on and she wanted to face it in the comfort of her own bedroom. Rising to her feet, she turned to Marco, who looked like someone had just shot his puppy. It struck her as funny, considering she was the one whose world had been turned upside down. "I'm sorry I snapped at you, Marco, I was totally out of like and you were only trying to tell me your opinion. I need to go home and think about all of this for a while."
Marco stood up, Italian manners kicking in, and walked her downstairs to the front door. "I'm sure it's nothing, Paige, it'll probably all blow over in a few days and then you can mock me relentlessly for daring to suggest something so ludicrous."
She smiled at him, feeling weary. "I'm sure you're right. Still, consider your date tonight cancelled. I'm suddenly in the mood for some Michaelchuck sibling bonding."
"Paige, you're not gay, trust me. I love Marco, but you and I both know he has a tendency to jump to conclusions a little easily. Remember you told me about the time he thought Spinner was in love with him?"
Paige couldn't suppress the laugh that came up out of her. It sounded tired and just a bit this side of hysterical, but she went with it anyway. "Yeah, poor Spin was subjected to Marco's first 'It's not you, it's me' speech when all he was trying to say was that he was okay with Marco being gay. God, Marco was so embarrassed he couldn't even look at Spinner for three days. Ellie had to practically lock them in a closet together before Marco would get over it." She chuckled again and Dylan frowned. "What? What was that little grimace thing?"
"Okay, you're definitely into Ellie."
"Just a minute ago you were telling me there's no way I'm gay and now you say I'm 'definitely into Ellie.' What the hell, Dylan, this back and forth thing is not helping me." She scowled and he rolled his eyes.
"It's in your eyes. They got this little sparkle in them when you said her name, kind of like…"
"Yeah, kind of like yours do when you talk about Marco, great."
"Yeah." An awkward silence fell over the room before Dylan spoke again. "But it still doesn't mean you're gay. It's just a little crush, it'll go away. Hey, you think I've never been attracted to a woman before? That Mom never was?"
"Oh, please, Mom was way too perfect and uptight to even let the idea cross her mind."
"Okay, you're right. Mom was the patron saint of heterosexuality and repressed desires, but my point is that no one is completely gay or straight, we just say we are because that's how things are 99 of the time. So you're crushing on a girl, so what? She's just your 1, Paige, it'll pass."
Dylan had been right, to an extent. Paige's feelings for Ellie did pass, but they opened the floodgates on their way out. Whereas before Paige had observed other girls only in a friend-or-foe capacity, now she couldn't help but assess them sexually. Nothing so blatant as the outright ogling her male friends did, more of a lazy observation. A full of lips, the curve of a neck, a particular perfume, a laugh. The more she grew to appreciate these qualities in women, the less attractive she found them in the opposite sex. Men were too large, hard, hairy, loud, everything. So Marco had been right, getting ahead of himself but nailing it anyway, she was gay. But there was no way in hell she was coming out. Marco and Dylan had both taken their fair share of shit, Marco had even been beaten up just for passing through the gay side of town, but Paige knew things would be different for her.
She had worked hard to become Queen Bee, stepped over a lot of people, threw a few of them to the wolves, and she knew even after all this time there were girls who would crawl through broken glass to get to Paige's skeletons. She didn't particularly care about being on top anymore, but the position had its perks, one of which was that no one gave her shit unless they could back it up. Someone knowing she was gay was definitely enough. So, no, there would be no coming out in high school. Making friends with her inner Sappho and everything that came with it could wait until university. Of course, everything had to go all to hell.
