Huh...two reviews? I guess it's better support than nothing :p. Anyway, let's talk about something else...I said the previous chapter was game changing in a way. Wanna find out why? Just read this one! I have no idea how you're gonna feel about it, I guess it's something you're either gonna love or hate, but just tell me yourself. Anyway, about the title...It's Time is the song by Imagine Dragons.


It's time

For once it's nice and sunny day in Seattle and you're visiting Lexie's grave. Without a company, you've settled to the habit of doing that on your own and you somehow feel comfortable when it's just you, your few tears and the thoughts of your love. You have brought her a bouquet of flowers whose name you don't remember, you just know they are white and they are pretty. You put them on the grave, you sweep away the dirt from it and dry the loose tears that fall at your cheek when you look at the gravestone saying Lexie Grey (1982-2012). You weren't even at her funeral, because you were in vegetative state then. You don't know whether it is better or worse. If you can use that (in this case horrible) expression, you try to make it up to her and you go here really often, making sure her grave looks nice, sure she isn't alone...of course you subconsciously know this behavior isn't exactly healthy. But it's not like you care. You manage a small smile and you tell her:

"Meredith and Derek are expecting another baby. You know, you're going to be an aunt again. Meredith and I are gonna make sure he or she knows about you. And also that Zola remembers how amazing her aunt is," you sigh and you feel the ache on your chest. You believe it's induced by both medical and emotional reasons and you remember to take your meds when you get home.

And with tears in your eyes you continue:

"I'm sorry I screwed up. Just...everything could have been different today," you can't help thinking how – in some universe of perfection – you could've been married by now and maybe also have a child. Yes, Lexie was too young for that but had you two not always been on and off, had you been together all that time, had you been a better man, she might have been ready and everything. If only one little circumstance changed, neither of you might have been on that fucking plane. But on the other hand, had you been together all that time without ridiculous break-ups, without sleeping with other people...there would be no Sofia. You hate that thought and suddenly screwing up doesn't seem so bad. Also, it kind of brought you to Lexie. Because you two might have never even met if you never screwed it up with Addison, the only other woman you have ever loved. You have no idea where is that thought coming from and you also contemplate about how you're gonna carry on with your life. It was unimaginable before and it still doesn't feel real or right, but somehow you think about it more and more everyday. But you can't be making any plans without Lexie yet, it's too surreal. You once said that all you wanted to do for the rest of your life was making her happy. What would Lexie want? What would make her happy? You guess you will just try and be there for her sister and for all your friends now. And hopefully you will see with time. But when you ask yourself the question what you should do, one thought occurs.

You should've fought for me, said Addison, who was supposedly over you and she now had a great boyfriend and son. Of course, it was because of the offensive question, you asked in the spur of the moment, when you thought about commitment, but still.

"Lexie, help me. How am I ever supposed to love any other woman apart from you? Back then I couldn't even fight for Addison..." and for some reason you're shocked with yourself and you feel the mix of guilt and shame, because you just did the unthinkable. You mentioned Addison at Lexie's grave. It makes you wanna quickly forget the thought and, shaking your head with tears in your eyes, you light the candle up and leave.

But you can't stop that thought from coming again. In the evening back in your apartment you somehow don't feel Lexie that close and you allow your mind to drift to the redhead. And it only takes a few moments till you realize that you really don't know what to do but you promise yourself you won't screw up again. Not with the other of the two women you have ever loved.

###

You and Henry have been back in LA with Jake for some time now, but Jake noticed something strange in your behavior. When he catches you calling Callie for the third time in less that two months, mainly to ask about how Mark is, suspicions start crossing his mind. Until one evening when you're sitting in the living room and he softly asks:

"Addie...I don't want to be insensitive or...but is there more to the story of you and Mark? Cos you sounded pretty concerned today...sorry I overheard, I just couldn't miss it. I see you're pretty shaken up after his injury."

You can't think of any other response than:

"Of couse I'm concerned with my friend's health! And I feel bad for not speaking with him for months, you know, before the crash."

"What else happened with you two? I mean...what happened after you aborted the baby?"

This...hurt. But you somehow manage to stutter:

"Why are you asking me this?"

But when you see him, his expresion is just so concerned and caring, you have no idea where's that coming from.

"Addison...you're not yourself. I mean...since Callie's birthday party..."

You look down sadly and your voice is quiet:

"He...there was a situation and...he brought up something from the past. He...how could he...but you know, I had hurt him...with my abortion...an so on. He was hurt and I realized he wanted to hurt me just as much." Not that he hadn't already...you think bitterly,

"I just didn't realize he had never gotten over it. And...I said something hurtful to him too. And I can't stop thinking about it."

When you remember you shouted You should've fought for me! in front of everyone, it only makes you feel worse. And it's mainly because of this perfect guy sitting in front of you.

And Jake obviously clinged to the statement I just didn't realize he had never gotten over it, because what you hear next is:

"Did you get over him?"

You're shocked, but you realize the question fell exactly to place.

You think. You don't love Mark anymore, you've been happy without him for months (well, maybe you haven't but that was because of other things), but you never really got over the betrayal you felt three years ago, when Mark came to LA with his daughter and he left you like that. Again, he made big promises and they fell apart in seconds. He made you believe in you two together again and you don't think you can get over those broken promises. Wait, what? You've been happy with your boyfriend and son for months. You didn't even think about Mark for a long time before his life-threatening injury. You feel pathetic behaving like this.

"I...I don't know," you stutter, "I just know I love you."

"Addison..." he shots you a pained look, "I...imagine both me and Mark with engagement rings for you. That situation. What would your heart tell you to do? Who would you choose to spend the rest of your life with?"

You're shocked once again. You're almost sure Jake is the best man you have ever met. The thought of spending rest of your life with Jake was something slowly beginning to linger on your mind for some time before the plane crash. But it somehow now pales in comparision to the image of Mark being the one who slides a ring onto your finger. You can't believe what you realize – that you somehow imagined that moment before. Once or twice back in New York before you both screwed up, before you desperately wanted to have Derek back. It was for a really short period of time, not more than two weeks. It was after Derek left and you were somehow happy because you were finally living with somebody who truly cared about you. At those times you thought what that would be like. You would be out of your marriage to Derek, and Mark would come one day and say he doesn't want to be the manwhore anymore, that he wants to give everything to you, that he loves you more than anything and he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. He hurt you like hell instead, but in this moment you just can't get rid of the image you thought was long forgotten. You can't get rid of the thought that he needs more support than his friends (that all have their own problems and careers and families) can provide him with. Of the thought that just like he has never gotten over you sleeping with Karev, he may never get over Lexie's death and never stop occasionally dropping hurtful comments like the one at Callie's birthday party. But at the same time you acknowledge that despite his words you haven't stopped wondering how he was. And you also kind of miss him. And then you start crying and you say:

"Jake, I...you...you know what I'm gonna say. I haven't realized before and...I don't want to imagine what it would be like if I realized after..." After what? After I married you. Because you can't utter that, but that's exactly what could've happened, you could've married Jake someday and that would've been a disaster. You could've lived the rest of your life unconscious of your real feelings. Or you could've...

"My past is ugly and my life is a complete mess and I just realized it's not gonna get any better anytime soon and...you should find a woman who wouldn't complicate your life, who wouldn't hurt you and who would make you happy. I'm just that desperate girl who's hopelessly falling for a man grieving for the love of his life. And... and Mark out of all! Jake, you don't want that."

You realize you're turning down the perfect guy with whom you imagined your future a really short time ago, for the guy you have almost zero chances with. Because he is grieving and he's hurt and he's changed. But you can't let go of the hope that when you fight like hell and overcome every obstacle, one day you will be his again.

It's time to begin

Isn't it?

(Imagine Dragons - It's Time)


...I think it really is. So...now I'm almost scared to hear your opinions, but I'm also incredibly anxious. And...you can find a reference to Addie's words from actual PP and well...also Addie's words resembling those Derek once said to Meredith in GA. Or?...;)

What to expect next: Well you probably guessed, but...Addie back in Seattle :).