Authors note: Ok everyone, I know the last chapter really wasn't that funny but hey? How do you expect me to top Emmett's dare? Well anyway don't worry I promise this chapter will be hilarious…..well I hope…..well I'll try harder anyway. (= BTW please keep reading and reviewing, love you all you guys are awesome (=
Alice was hyperventilating in the corner after she heard her dare……she was more afraid of Wal-Mart then small children were afraid of Emmett….and that was a lot.
"I can't do this!! I can't do this!!! I can't do this!!!!" She yelled as everyone started to stare.
"Oh look at the time, I guess we should leave you hear now……" Emmett said as they all started making there way to the exit.
"NO!!!!!! YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME HEAR I'LL DIE I SWEAR I'LL JUST DIE!!!!!" Alice said grabbing onto Emmett's leg like a small child who didn't want to go to school.
"Alice get off, you're making a scene." Rosalie said.
"I'm making a scene, have you seen your head lately!!!" Alice yelled desperately trying to put this off.
"I know, it's horrible." Rose said glaring at Jake.
"Oh shut up, you know I did an awesome job, your just jealous!!!!" Jacob yelled.
"Are you blind dog? This looks absolutely horrible!!!" Rose yelled.
"Yah…it looks like an alien unicorn pooped on your head." Emmett said……everyone turned to stare at him…...
"What is wrong with him?" Some random guy asked as he walked past them.
"Yah, we don't know……" Edward said sadly.
"Hey, there is absolutely nothing wrong with me!!!!" Emmett screamed at the man.
"God be quite Emmett, you don't need to end up in jail again!!!!" Jasper yelled.
"Hey, speaking of jail look over there." Jacob said pointing to transvestite who was drinking coffee.
"Oh my God, she's after me!!!!!!!!" Emmett yelled as he his behind Alice…..yah not the best hiding place.
The man lady waved. "We have to get put of hear!!!!" Emmett said as everyone ran out.
"Not you Alice, you need to stay." Jasper said pushing her back in.
"NO!!!!" She said running outside past Jasper and into the parking lot…….she almost got hit by a car.
"Hey watch where you're walking", another transvestite man lady said as she got out of the car.
"Oh my God there after me!!!!!!!" Emmett said as he started running away.
"Jazz you take care of Alice while we go make sure Emmett alright." Rose said as she ran after Emmett.
"What was wrong with him?" The man lady asked.
"Um….bad experience." Jasper said as he dragged Alice back into Wal-Mart. The lady mumbled something else but they were too far to hear.
"Now how am I ever going to get you to stay?" Jasper thought as he dragged Alice into the middle of the store.
"Ooh, gossip magazines." Alice said as she picked one up and started reading it…..Wait Alice actually touched something that was in Wal-Mart?......
"Well that works for a distraction but just to make sure you stay..." Jasper said as he led her over to a pole.
"We better do this." He mumbled as he tied tee shirts together into a rope form and rapped Alice around the pole….she was so consumed in gossip she didn't even notice.
"OMG Kristen Stewart is not dating Taylor Lautner, what the Hell is wrong with this magazine!!!" Alice yelled when she was finished…..still not noticing she was tied to the pole I might add. "Isn't this a bunch of carp Jazz?" Alice said finally looking up.
"Jazz……where are you?" She asked afraid……little did she know he was long gone, he didn't want to be anywhere near her when she realized what was going on….
"Jazz…..OH MY GOD I'M TIED TO A POLE IN WAL-MART!!!!!!!!!!" Alice yelled trying to break free.
Absolutely everyone in the store had stopped what they were doing to stare at her……people even came out of the bathroom's to see what was going on….though they all really should have put there pants back on first………
"What are you people staring at, there's nothing to see hear, just get back to what you were doing." Alice said calmly…….no one moved.
"I SAID GET BACK TO WHAT YOU WERE DOING!!!!!!!!!!!!" She yelled….everyone slowly started to move again and things started to get back to normal……until Alice noticed what the ropes were made of. "OH MY GOD I'M TIED UP WITH UGLY TEE SHIRT'S, THE UGLY TEE SHIRTS ARE TOUCHING ME, I'M GOING TO DIE!!!!!!! THE SHIRTS BURN OH THE PAIN THE HORRIBLE PAIN!!!!!" Alice yelled.
"You go over there and see if that lady's ok." One of the workers told another worker.
"No way man, I have kids and I wife, you go see if she's ok, all you have is a dog." The guy said to the other one.
"Hey, don't be talking bout my dog!!!" The guy yelled at the other one.
"Oh you just like that dog cause you cant get a wife!!! That's right I said it!!!!" The first guy yelled.
"Oh yah well at least my dog doesn't eat like a pig!!!!"
"Oh you did not just go there; you know she has an eating disorder."
"Yah, eat every thing insight disorder, you're just lucky the food hears cheep or she would have eaten you by now!!!!"
"Oh my God, you two are complete idiots!!!!" One of the woman workers said coming over to Alice.
"Are you ok?" She asked a little afraid……Alice was acting like a complete psychopath.
"Do I look ok? I'm tied to a poll in Wal-Mart and ewe I think Bella owns that shirt." Alice said still trying to break free….she would have gotten out already but she didn't want to destroy the shirts……even at Wal-Mart they have a you break it you buy it policy…..and she really didn't want to take these hideous shirts home.
"How did you even get tied hear?" The lady asked as she started untying Alice form the pole.
"My idiot boyfriend." Alice mumbled.
"Uh tied to a pole, been there done that." The transvestite said as she walked by. "Just be happy you're not being assaulted."
"Ok ewe, did not need to know about your experiences." Alice said trying to block that picture out of her head.
"NOW GO AWAY YOU CRAZY!!!!!!!!! Alice yelled.
"Ok fine", the lady who was untying her said.
"No not you, I meant the crazy man, or lady, man, lady, lady, man, oh I don't know, just please come back and untie me." Alice said very confused and upset.
"Ok……" The lady said coming back to finish untying her…..
"Excuse me but…..did you….oh I don't know….maybe forget to take any medication before coming hear." The lady asked.
"What are you trying to say?" Alice asked.
"I'm trying to say you've been acting insane!!!!!" The lady said.
"I have not." Alice argued.
"You were yelling at shirts." The Wal-Mart worker pointed out.
"Well yah…but…oh you know what I don't have to explain." Alice said.
"Is that because you can't?"
"Oh shut up, watch this I can walk down a whole aisle without freaking out." Alice said as she walked down the purse aisle at a barley human speed.
"Phew, I made it." Alice said when she got to the end.
"Good job…now lets see if you can walk down an aisle instead of speed threw like your on crack." The lady laughed.
"How do you know what a person on crack acts like?" Alice asked questioningly.
"Oh whatever lady….you know what I'm leaving!!!" she said as she walked out of the store.
"Oh I would give every one of my Juicy's to get out of this wretched place." (BTW Juicy is just a designer, there purses are awesome…I was talking about there purses by the way cause they do cloths too…I should stop talking now…anyways back to the story (= LOL) Alice mumbled.
"How long have I been in hear anyway?' She asked herself. "Ewe, only ten minutes!!!! This is going to be the longest three hours ever!!!!!" she yelled. "What am I suppose to do now that I'm hear anyway?" Alice asked herself.
"Well…I guess I could walk around, right Alice?" She said to herself.
"Yah I guess so Alice."
"Hey Alice did your husband lock you in hear too?"
"He did well wow we have so much in common Alice."
"I love your outfit by the way Alice."
"Oh thanks you too, it's gorgeous."
"Wait a second…..OMG I'm talking to myself maybe that lady was right, maybe I am on crack!!!!" She yelled. "Wait…I think I would know if I was on crack, am I on crack Alice?" She asked herself.
"No, I don't think so." Alice said answering herself.
"Oh thank God!!! Wait a second…..I'm doing it again!!!!!!!" Alice yelled.
"Alice shut up!!!!" She yelled at herself.
"No you shut up, I was talking first!!!!"
"Will one of you shut up already, people are looking at us." Alice yelled at herself.
"Oh great now there's three of me!!!" Alice said fake passing out on the floor.
"Oh my God ewe, this floor is nasty!!!" she said getting up, she had dirt all over her hands.
"Oh will you two just make up already!!!" Alice yelled.
"Fine…."
"Now hug!!!" She demanded herself. "I said hug!!!"
"Ok, God pushy were getting to it." Alice said as she wrapped her arms around herself……if there was anyone in this store who didn't think she was insane before they sure had there mind changed now.
"Ok good, now shut up and let's go wash up girls." She said as she walked into the bathroom to wash her hands.
No one was there so she decided to sing the washing your hands song. "Oh you've got to scrub, scrub, scrub, scrub, rub, rub, rub, scrub, rub, scrub; oh you've got to scrub, rub, scrub until your hands are clean." Alice sang.
People were standing in the doorways staring at her, they really had to go to the bathroom but they were way too afraid to enter……….
"Come on in are you afraid?" Alice said to the girls. All they could do was shake there heads yes.
"Oh you people disgust me, you're all so mean!!!!" Alice said as she walked out of the bathroom.
"God those girls sure looked like men." Alice mumbled to herself as she walked out of the bathroom…… "OMG I was in the wrong freaking bathroom!!!!" she yell whispered.
"I have to hide before people find out and think I'm crazy"….yah like they didn't already.
'But where do I hide?' she thought.
"Oh I know, behind the plants!!!" Alice said going into the green room…..seconds later the sprinkler system came on.
"Oh this day just keeps getting worse and worse!!!" Alice cried as she ran back into the main part of the store, this time over to the woman and health product aisle.
Sam and Quil were there, "Hey Sam whatcha buying?" Alice asked coming over to him to get a better look.
"Oh…it's Emily's time of the month." Sam said as he picked up a box of tampons. "Oh…….." Alice said awkwardly.
"So Quil what are you buying?" she asked changing the subject.
"Nothing……" Quil said as he hid something behind his back.
"No really, let me see." Alice said as she took what he had in his hands from him. "Why the hell are you buying condoms when your girlfriends 4 you pervert!!" Alice yelled hitting him with Sam's box of tampons.
"Hey, I was going to buy those. Sam said as he picked the dented box up off the floor. Tampons were spilling everywhere. "Oh God, if this wasn't embarrassing enough." Sam mumbled picking everything up off the floor.
"It's not like that…I wasn't gonna." Quil started.
"Then what were you doing with those?" Alice asked.
"There flavored." Quil said.
"What the hell kind of excuse is that, just answer the question!!!!" Alice said hitting him with the tampons again.
"OH MY GOD, I JUST FINISHED PICKING THOSE UP!!!!!" Sam yelled getting back on the floor.
"I wouldn't touch that floor, it's disgusting." Alice said turning to Sam.
"It's not like I have much of a choice." He groaned. At this point Quil tried to make his escape.
"Not so fast!!!" Alice said grabbing him by the shirt collar…..Since when did he where a shirt? Oh that was beside the point.
"I asked you a question and your going to answer me, have you been doing inappropriate things with a four year old?" Alice asked.
"Of course-" He started, not yet finished with his sentence.
"Of course? What kind of sick pervert are you!?!?!?!" Alice asked.
"Yah!!!!!!" Sam said hitting him this time.
"I was going to say of course not!! NOT!!! Did you hear that?!?!?!?! Of course not!!!!!!" Quil yelled…..Everyone was staring at him now……At least Alice didn't look crazy anymore……….
"Then what exactly were you going to do with those?" Sam asked.
"Ok, I'll admit it!!!! I like to smell them!!!! Are you happy now, I've admitted my weird secret!!!!!" Quil yelled…..everyone was still staring……….
"Then why the Hell don't you just buy fruits if you like the fruity scents?!?!?!" Sam asked.
"Because I don't feel like carrying fruits home, there way too heavy!!!" Quil said as he left the store in rage.
"Well that was odd…." Alice whispered.
"Yah……well it was Quil." Sam said.
"That's true." Alice agreed.
"I have to go buy these." Sam said as he left the store with his half full dented box of tampons……
(Back at Emily's house)
"Sam did you get me my things?" Emily asked.
"Yah." He said handing her the bag.
"Sam…."
"What?"
"There are only three in hear, what the Hell happened?" Emily asked confused.
"Ummm….there was an emergency at the store….." Sam said.
"What the Hell kind of emergency involves tampons?" Emily asked confused.
"It's a long story……….."
"Do I want to know?" She asked afraid of the answer.
"Um…ok I'll tell you what happened….well I was in the aisle when Alice came up to Quil and asked him why he was buying condoms if his girlfriend is 4 years old and", Sam started.
"You know what never mind, I don't want to know, I'll just go to the store myself." Emily said as she got into her car.
"Well I tried…" Sam said as he sat down to watch TV.
(Back at Wal-Mart with Alice)
"Oh now what am I suppose to do, everyone's gone and I still have another hour." Alice whined as her phone started to ring.
"Hello?" She answered.
"Hey Alice it's Rose, I just wanted to remind you that you have to come out of the store dressed in there cloths…so you better start shopping." Rose laughed as she hung up.
"Oh yah…this is just great…." Alice said as she slowly walked over to the cloths section of the store really trying not to freak out this time….it wasn't working so well.
"Ewe Bella owns that shirt……and that one……ewe I think I've seen her in those shorts too." 'How the hell does she shop hear? Does she think these cloths are cute?' Alice thought to herself.
"Well I might as well start looking I guess." Alice said as she slowly inched deeper and deeper into the tee shirt section.
"Ok why the hell does this shirt have a patch randomly placed in the middle of it? And why does that one say sexy? Anyone who has ever brought that shirt has not been sexy." Alice muttered.
"OMG this one is a puck green, why the hell would you want a puck colored shirt?" Alice asked as a woman came up to her.
"Oh that's so cute, I'll take that." The woman said grabbing the shirt from her hands.
"What the hell is wrong with you?!?!?!" Alice asked.
"What? You wanted this shirt? I'm sorry." The lady said giving it back to her.
"NO!!!! I would never want that shirt." She said throwing it on the ground.
"Hey, don't do that!!!" The lady said picking the shirt up off the floor.
"Do you seriously think that that shirts cute?" Alice asked.
"Yah…you don't?"
"Hell no, it's the color of puck is there something wrong with you? Do you want to look like you puked on yourself?" Alice asked.
"This is my favorite color!!!" The lady said defending the shirt.
"What ever lady, you must really have a problem." Alice said walking away.
"Oh Great, I have 45 minutes to find a half decent outfit in this place." Alice mumbled.
"Well if I'm going to touch these things I might as well put these on." Alice said putting gloves on….she wasn't chancing anything.
"Why do you have gloves on? Are you afraid of catching something?" Another employee asked.
"Yes, bad taste." Alice shivered. "Though I've probably already caught it, tomorrow I'll probably wake up in sweat pants." Alice muttered.
"Hey, I like sweat pants." The lady from before whispered.
"You see, only people like that would where sweat pants!!!" She pointed.
"Are you insulting me again?" The lady asked hitting her with her Wal-Mart purse……it was fake fur and the hairs were getting all over the place.
"This is what causes air pollution." Alice said ripping the purse into pieces.
"You owe me four bucks!!!!!!" That lady yelled.
"Do you have change for a hundred?" She asked giving her the money.
"No………." The lady said as she ran off.
"OMG I was just ripped off!!!!" Alice yelled.
"Oh Damn I'm running out of time, I better hurry this up or I'll probably be stuck in hear even longer." Alice said as she got back to looking at the "cloths"…….she used the term lightly……
"This isn't so horrible." Alice said as she picked up a pink tank top…… "Now lets just see what it's made of." She said lifting up the tag.
"20% cotton, 30% newspaper, 40% UN known fabric, 10% hot dog." Alice read.
"What the hell? How could a shirt be made of hot dog….and news paper?" Alice asked as she put the shirt back down…….
"Umm….I think I'll keep looking." Alice said gently setting the shirt down and backing away.
Next she picked up a simple tee shirt. "Well let's see what this tag says..." Alice said a little afraid of what she was going to find……
"30% sea weed, 20% candle wax, 10% candy rappers, and 40% toilet paper…what the hell is wrong with these people?" Alice asked.
"And why are all these cloths so huge?!?!?!?!?" She screamed.
"Oh Miss, I think you belong in thee children's section." One of the workers said leading the way.
"This is some kind of sick Joke!!!!" Alice yelled.
"No, I think you'll be able to fit in a children's large." The man said.
"Oh God this is the worst shopping experience ever!!!" Alice muttered. Just then an announcement came over the loud speaker.
"If you don't have a great experience at our stores please call our 1800 number and tell us what happened."
"Oh I am so calling that number." Alice said getting out her phone.
"Hello welcome to the Wal-Mart hot line what is your problem?" The lady asked.
"Well first of all your cloths are made form toilet paper and hot dog!!!!" Alice yelled.
"There seams to be a problem with your phone connection please hang up and try again." They said hanging up.
"Oh My God." She yelled.
"This store sucks do you hear me people this is the worst store ever!!!!!!!!!!" She yelled.
"Excuse me Miss but if you keep yelling were going to have to kick you out." The worker said.
"Oh….sorry." Alice started to say. "Hey…wait a minute, I wouldn't really mind of I was kicked out of hear."
"Well if you do get kicked out were forced to call the cops." The guy said.
"Awe damn…well I need to get back to shopping so I guess I'll be good." She said going over to the children's cloths.
"Ok, have a nice time and please come again." The guy said walking away.
"Hey, I thought you hated me." Alice said.
"Oh, I do, we just have to say that to all the customers." The guy said walking away.
"Oh I guess I might as well finish this." Alice said as she looked threw the rack of tee shirts.
"OMG 100% cotton, I've never been so happy to see cotton in my life!!!" Alice yelled.
"OMG look at that crazy girl." One of the kids there said to another.
"Excuse me; I'm crazy you're the one dressed up like Hannah Montana." Alice yelled.
"Come on, let's get out of hear." The girl whispered to the other. "Yah, before she blows."
"I am not going to- oh you know what I have not yet stooped so low to yell at children." Alice said stopping herself.
"You know what I don't even care what outfit I get anymore." Alice said picking up random cloths.
"Wait, did I just say that? OMG I'm turning into Bella." Alice said as she went over to the changing rooms.
"It's going to be ok, I'm sure Bella would never look at herself before she brought something." Alice said opening the door to the changing room….The first changing room door she opened some one was already changing….
"Oops, sorry." Alice said closing the door…..The second door she opened people were making out……
"This is a changing room people when people tell you to get a room this is so not what they mean!!" Alice yelled. The people didn't care they just slammed the door on her face…..The next one she opened had a lady knitting toilet paper and hot dogs together,
"What the hell are you doing?" Alice asked in utter confusion.
"What does it look like I'm doing…making tee shirts." The lady said holding up a competed shirt.
"That is not possible!!!"
"Yes it is, hear feel it." The lady said handing her the shirt.
"Ewe, I don't want to touch that thing!!!" Alice said backing away.
"You know what, I'm not even going to try these on, I'm just buying them." Alice said as she went to the cheek out line.
There were two small boys with water guns in front of her. "Hey lady could we ask you something?"
"What?"
"Do you think this is powerful enough?" The boy said squirting her with the massive water gun.
"OMG I already got sprayed with the sprinklers, stop it." She said taking the water gun away from him.
"Mommy, that lady stole my water gun." The kid said turning to his mother.
"Oh so first you make fun of my outfits and then you steal from my children." The lady yelled.
"Hey you owe me change for that hundred dollars!!' Alice yelled.
"NO I don't." The lady said walking away.
Well at least she was next in line now….who would her cheek out man be?
"Hey Alice." Oh God, Mike Newton, could this day get any worse?
"Hello." She mumbled.
"So…um what's wrong with your brother?" He asked.
"Which one?"
"Edward."
"Oh your talking about the whole I love you thing aren't you?" She asked.
"Yah, what was up with that?"
"Oh that was all true." Alice said walking away. She finally saw her family at the door; oh they were so going to pay.
"Hey Alice so you didn't die?" Bella asked.
"Oh shut up Bella, your shirts made of ho dog!!!!!" Alice yelled.
"What the hell?"
"She must really be loony."
"We left her in too long!!!"
"No, I'm serious, cheek the tag." Alice said….when she did it was true.
"Oh My God that's weird."
"Hey Bells maybe Jake only like you cause you smell like food." Edward laughed.
"Oh shut up you gay Volvo loving loser, the only reason you like her is for her sent." Jacob yelled.
"Gay Volvo loving loser?"
"Don't ask……
"Alice why the hell are you wearing a Dora the explorer tee shirt?" Jasper asked.
"B- b- b- because they- they- they- ma- ma- made me shop in the ch- chil- children's section!!!!!!" Alice cried.
Everyone burst into laughter.
"Well you are small…….
"This is so not funny!!!" Alice yelled.
"Yes it is..." Jasper said.
"I wouldn't be laughing too hard jasper, your next!!!!!!!" Alice smiled evilly.
"Hey, where's Emmett?"
"He was afraid to come back….."
Authors note: Well that was long…but funny though right? Well I hope it was funny, anyway what should happen to Jasper?
