thanx for the revews!(You're not welcome!)

Chapter 7 - Surprises!(WTF?)

I woke up sheepishly(In other words, she woke up, looking like a sheep) and wandered where I was for a minute. I got out of bed, wandering if all the things that had hapened to me last night were just a dream.(They were a dream withing a dream within a dream within a dream...) I went downstairs for breakfast and sat down with Dave and Marie. THey look at me and smiles adoringly.(WE DON'T LOVE YOU, TIAA)

"wow tiaa i love your new hair and contat lenses, your look so beautiful!"(Wait, whut?) said marie with her face all bright and happiness.(I shit rainbows)

I got up and look in a mirror. Holly shite(She uses the word 'shite'? NO!)! I looked totally diffrent! For the first time I could see my face was truely beautiful, it was even prettier than before(She's even a BIGGER Mary Sue than she was before). My eyes were a weird silver color like wet pools of noble moonlight in distant medows(I'm trying to tell you, this is the erotic version of 'The Highwayman'!),and my ivory gold hair seemed to shimmer like the suns burned rays in the morning(Ok, WTF?), with the purple streaks shining like neon lilac(NEON LILAC? Is that even a COLOR?). I was radiant and magical and looked awesome. My skin was even more pale than before and my features more delicate and queen-like, my nose was small and dashing and my cheeks were high and pale and my chin was soft but majestic. I was amazed. Suddenly the phone rang and nuked me out of my silent staring. Dave answered it.(Yo, this is Dave! FUCK YOU! I DON'T HAVE ANY CONDOMS!)

"what? oh my god! Your kidding! This is inconsideratable!(Is that even a word?)" and he hung up

"whats happened honey?" Marie asked smiling(My penis happened)

"uncle larry is died, it looks like he was ripped apart by a wild beast! I feel so sad! he was my brother(Ok...?)"

I suddenly remembered what I had done, and i screamed and ran to school. I felt so awful and giulty for what I had done! I new uncle larry was a perv (He's pedobear)and a rasist and even thou(Thou he raped me?) he had raped me and tied me up and spanked me and made my life hell I still shoudnt have killed him!(YES! YOU SHOULD'VE!) I was going to explode with guilt. i ran through the forest towards the school but suddenly a large thing appeared in front of me. it was a bear - a big panda bear!(What the fucking hell?) it was huge and fluffy and realy cute, but I was scared as this was a totally weird thing to happen.(I agree!)

"greetings atlantaina!" it said(Pandas can't talk!) - i was totally freaked out - since when did panda bears live in Forks(EXACTLY!)? And since when did they SPEAK? I was totally confused(I am too!)

"WTF?" i screamed!(I'm laughing my ass off reading this (My ass really hurts, but this is tooo funny))

"I'm a panda bear, my name is Snooflanti-tatuna(Ok, what kind of a name is THAT?) but you can call me Snoofles(I just imagined Curtis Rx reading this sentence... while eating a bacon cheeseburger)."

"A talking PANDA BEAR?" i shouted furiusly(I KNOZ!)

"I cannot talk like humans can, but your not human anymore so you can understand me. You can talk to animals. You probably have other powers too you just don't know it yet"(Because she's a Mary Sue!)

"like watt?" i said(I dunno, touch that chick's tit)

"I dunno, touch that tree" said Snoofles, smiling at me. I touched the tree and consentrated hard and even though it was winter the tree suddenly started to bloom huge bunches of flowers. The flowers cascadad down like a river onto the bare forest floor. i took my hand away in horror. The flowers were so beautiful they made me think of edward. then i remembered how he had left me after we had made love, and i became angry. I touched another tree and it burst into flames. It was as if the trees turned into things that somehow reflected how I was feeling!

"OMG, how is this possible?" i said(It's possible because you are a wonderful thing called a Mary Sue)

"Don't ask me I'm just a panda(I'm just a panda in the world), lol" said Snoofles with a big grin and he raised his eyebows,"but I'm so happy to find a person who can understand my speaking! i al; ways wanted a human friend! will you be my human friend?"(NO!)

"well yah ok" i said, "but i have to go to school now so I'll see you later Snoofles ok?"

"that's cool" said Snoofles "i'll see you later"

I ran away and was totaly weirded out by my meeting with Snoofles. I was almost in a trance at school and even though people starred at me and made coments about my new apperance I had never cared less.(Because you fell in love with Snoofles, you stupid hobknocker!)

in gym class I ran around dressed in my gym clothes. i was playing dodgball and the cleerleaders kept throwing there balls at me realy hard like biaches but i was dodging them at the speed of light(Like Buzz Lightyear). Lauren came over to me and tries to hit me over the face with her balls(HER BALLS! HAHAHAHAHA!) and I slapped her in the face.

"WTF you freaky goth tudor(Why are you guys ragging on the Tudors?) bitch!" she shouted with her ugly face flapping like a big bag

"leave me alone yeah?" i said looking more beautiful than ever(PFFFTTT)

"no - ill never leave u alone becase your so werid! what has hapened to your face its like your from another planet, your so pale and delicate its freaking everyone out and we all hate you!"(Even that weird gothmo kid in the corner)

I was so mad i pushed her but when my hands touched her arms her skin started to blister and froth in a totally gross way and she got struck by a bolt of lightning.(How the hell is that even POSSIBLE?) She wasnt dead or anything but she looked totally disgusting and she got taken to the hospital.(Bye, bye Lauren)

I didnt look for my friends and after gym class I sat in the changing rooms after everyone has left and cried becase I felt so sorry for watt I had done to uncle larry and to lauren. I was sat there wearing a very short leather mini-dress and red ripped tights and a skull necklace and a gothic top hat with feathers on it. Suddenly I heard a voices from behind me

"Tiaa? Tiaa? It is I Edward Cullen!(How can a guy get into the GIRL's locker room?)" said edward. i turned to kook at him and he gasped in a high piched way(Edward is Justin Bieber now?) and fell over onto the floor. I was mad at him and totaly upset about other stuff so i didnt check to see if he was ok. He got up in a minute.

"I fainted Tiaa, thou is so sexy and exqisite i lost my contentioness(What the hell is 'contentioness?'). Thy face is even more sacred and filled with shinning glory than before, I am amazed" but then he noticed I was crying tears of soft blood and he said "what is wrong with thee?" said Edward(I WAS STABBED THROUGH THE EYE, YOU JERK!)

"I killed someone Ewadrd! I killed my uncle and drank his blood and I think I made lauren get stuck by lightning"

"its ok Tiaa he was evil and noone cares about lauren(Yeah, even though she's one of the most popular girls at school)" Edward says to comfort me and he put his arms round me(Since when did we get into present tense?)

"still watt i did was awfull and anyways GET OFF ME!" i stood up and shock him off me "dont come near me ever again! I havent forgiven you for whatt happened last night! We did sex(We did sex is the dumbest thing I've ever heard) and you left me there in the forest!"(Poor you)

"I'm sorry! I cannot stay away from thee and yet I cannot be with thee either" he cried and threw his hands up and weeped(You already said he cried, dumbass)

"make your mind up Ewdard! this is a serious thing! Ether stay here with me now and screw me('Make love to me, now!' 'Whut doez dat mean?') and be with me forrever or leave and go be with Bella! Make youre choice right now!(IN THE GIRL'S LOCKER ROOM!)"

"I choose thee Atlantnina! Bella is a big mean cow(WHUT?) and I cant be with her anymore! I will never leave thou side again my lovley damsell(DAMSEL? MY ASS!)!"

He started to cry and I kissed him. He was so amazing. His yellow eyes and tussled aubon hair and pale skin made me want to screw him all the time, I'd never seen anybody look so perfect. I took off my dress so I was only wearing my underwear and i sat on his knee and we kissed a lot. He touched me all over and I felt dizzy and week.(Why are Mary Sues such whores?)

"Do you mean it edward? You'll be mine forrever?"(No, I'm just fucking with ya)

"I does, i shall be thy mate" he said beautifully in his smooth hot velvet voice(Purple prose)

I found some handcuffs on a bench and I tied him to a hook(What is it with 'goffs' and S&M?). he was unable to move and i took his pants down and looked at his throbbing lavender man-fruit thing(I told my new drummer Bozo this. She found this super duper offensive, and she's a female. I wonder how Thomas would feel about this... man-fruit!). It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen(A penis is PRETTY?) and I put it in my mouth and sucked it and he thrusted madly untill he had an orgasm in my mouth. The hot juice flowered in my mouth and it was magical. Sodenly a voice came from behind me(What a slut!)

"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR DOING YOU EVIL RODENT PEOPLE(T.H.E.M. reference!)? I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU BOTH AND NOW I AM GOING TO KILL MYSELF!"

It was Bella Swan!(It was... Curtis Jackson, the person with a man-fruit!)