We've had a wonderful few months. I'm spending a lot of time at the condo with Sharon and Rusty now and I love this life we are starting to build. It's like we are slowly becoming a family. Rusty is coming to me for advice - not often, but sometimes he'll approach both me and Provenza.
Rusty has been so good at keeping our secret – and I am not talking about the baby. Personally, I think Sharon was overreacting there. Rusty can't know anything for sure. He seems happy enough now, going to college and coming home at night, full of stories.
What I do know is that he has shared his ideas with Nicole and that my girl picked right up on it. I had words with Nicole after that visit. Her comment had been inappropriate, even if I had seen the fun in it. I mean, Sharon and I were basically drooling over little Julia and of course we were imagining that she was ours. I can take the jokes, but I really hated how it affected Sharon and I am not going to let anyone make her uncomfortable, not even my little girl.
As of two weeks ago, we are no longer a secret! Sharon has informed Chief Taylor of our 'new' relationship. I offered to go with her, but she turned me down saying it would go better if she did this alone. Given my history with Taylor she was probably right, but it still felt wrong. I should have been there, too. After all, I'm one half of this relationship and I want to stand up for us just like she does.
"Andy, I know all the ways this can go and I know all the rules and regulations to make sure that in the end we'll come out well. Don't worry, honey, for once, the rules are on your side. "
I liked her reasoning, "You mean Captain Rulebook is on my side."
"Captain Rulebook is in bed with you."
"You better not tell Taylor that!" What can I say, I adore being in bed with Captain Rulebook and even more so with Sharon!
/
Talking about secrets. There is one I particularly enjoy - even though at times it drives me crazy. When Sharon showed me her lingerie collection I was truly speechless. It was a bit like a dream come true and then she leaned in, nibbling my earlobe.
"How about you choose what I wear today?"
"But we're going to work today." Surely she wouldn't wear this to work?
"And?"
"Well, this is not exactly work day wear."
"Oh, it is, Andy. You might want to know this is what I wear for work every day."
"You what? God, woman, you're telling me you're in these lacy numbers when you hunt down a suspect with us or have your budget meetings? Damn, I'll never be able to look at you the same way. How do you expect me to concentrate on my job ever again?"
Sharon gave me a cheeky grin and picked out a beautiful coral set, all lace and silk. "I'm sure I've seen you wear a matching tie."
Let me tell you, it makes long days at work a lot more exciting to know just what I can look forward to when we finally get home!
/
The only damper on our happiness are the monthly disappointments. Ever since that first time, I've made sure I was with Sharon on the days we would find out if we were expecting our baby. I don't recall being so aware of Joanne's monthly cycles back then, yet now I could tell you the exact day if you asked me. It's a bit obsessive, but it's an obsession we both share. We both know so well that what we are hoping for is a miracle, that our chances are so incredibly low.
I want this for both of us. That joyful smile on Sharon's face all those months ago when I said we should try to have a baby has stayed with me ever since. I want to see that joy again, I want to live it with her and maybe, just maybe we might have gotten lucky.
"Come here, sweetheart, I'm awake." I said when she was climbing back into bed in the early morning hours. We had been existing in this strange limbo between joyful hope and total disappointment for a few days now.
"Didn't mean to wake you," she said as she laid her head on my shoulder and entangled her legs with mine. "Gosh, you're so nice and warm."
"Miss Icy Feet. You okay?" I wanted to make sure I knew, either way. I didn't want her to lie in my arms and suffer in silence without me knowing.
"Oh yes, much better than I thought I'd be."
"Yeah?" This tiny light of hope inside of me was flickering more brightly now, fed by her words, becoming a fire, my heartbeat picking up. "Oh sweetheart, that's great!"
"It could still be nothing, Andy."
"But it could still be what we've been waiting for."
"Let's just lie here and enjoy the possibility for a while longer."
The moment was magical, the sun slowly coming up spreading it's first rays into our bedroom while we lay there looking at each other in wonder. She is so beautiful with that soft, hopeful expression on her face. I just love Sharon without make-up. This is the real her. All the little imperfections that make up one perfect woman. I placed my hand on her stomach and she smiled happily at me, drawing her bottom lip into her mouth.
Throughout the day we kept looking at each other, warm smiles from her telling me that our dream was still alive. I couldn't wait to get home and pull her into my arms. I did go into her office once when the blinds were still drawn from an earlier meeting and she looked up at me from her desk, both surprised and pleased to see me. I gently closed the door and moved to stand behind her, my hands coming to rest on her shoulders. She turned her head to smile at me.
"Lieutenant, what can I do for you?"
"Nothing, I just wanted to see you for a moment and be close to you."
"I've been daydreaming," she admitted with a cute little shrug, pointing at the papers on the desk. "I've been staring at these all day, but really, I've been dreaming."
At night, we allowed Rusty to order in his favourite meal for the second time in a row, burgers. Just like two days ago Sharon rather uncharacteristically dug in, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand when she had finished.
"Gosh, this was absolutely delicious. Andy, are you going to finish your fries or can I have some of them?"
"Go ahead, sweetheart, help yourself." Were the crazy cravings starting already? Yesterday it had been Chinese and I watched in fascination as she now pulled my plate towards herself, liberally pouring mayonnaise over the fries.
"Ew, Sharon, that is disgusting!" I fully agreed with Rusty on that one.
"Quite the contrary, Rusty, this is absolutely delicious."
"I have to side with the kid here."
"Belgian neighbours when I was growing up, best way ever to enjoy your fries. But you keep enjoying your ignorance my friends."
"Okay, you two. What's the occasion? Burger, fries, mayonnaise for the second time this week and you two have been smiling like idiots all day."
"Why do we need a special occasion to indulge in some good old junk food?"
"She does," Rusty was pointing his chin in Sharon's direction.
"Maybe 'she' didn't feel like arguing with the two of you tonight. Gosh, this really is nice! You should try it."
"That's okay, you are enjoying this so much, I wouldn't have the heart to make you part with you food!" It would also mean she would be finished faster and I would have less time to watch her eat.
Rusty offered to clean up and Sharon and I really wanted to be alone with each other, so we locked up the condo for the night and went for an early night.
"I meant to ask you before we went to work this morning. Do you want to take a test?"
"I might not tell us what we'd like, Andy. I…I know we will find out eventually, but could we just not know for sure– at least for a few more days? I want to hang on to our dream a little longer."
