Author's Note posted below.

Part 1

Chapter 7

Afraid

"I'm so afraid to love you,

But more afraid to lose,

Clinging to the past that doesn't let me choose."

~ I Will Remember You, Sarah McLachlan

Three days. I have been avoiding Christian for three days now. I haven't been able to sleep well since we had sex that night I wore the black dress. I was so petrified when he looked at me that way. It reminded me of all the pain; it reminded me of all the hurt. It was bizarre. I hated it so much.

I am in my desk after a meeting with Hannah. We all present our plans for next month's issue and she's pretty focused on the six-page fashion page. The model's going to be dressed up like a reindeer in a frosty set. It's pretty weird but it's Hannah and her weirdness always works.

Since I still have fifteen minutes before my time off, I stare at my computer and Googled Christian.

I admit that I am not very familiar with him before we met in that club. It's because we don't really feature men in our magazine and when we do so, it usually just consumes two pages and I admit skipping them because I hate men. I've always hated men.

As soon as I type his name, my jaw drops when I saw that he has his own Wikipedia. Everything I need to know is there. There are business news but as I scroll down, I left click all sites that are from gossip magazines.

CHRISTIAN GREY SPOTTED WITH A STARLET DOWNTOWN

SUPERMODEL: CHRISTIAN GREY DUMPED ME AFTER ONE NIGHT

CHRISTIAN GREY: I DON'T DATE

CHRISTIAN GREY, THE MAN WHO VOWED NEVER TO GET MARRIED

CHRISTIAN GREY: I AM NOT GAY

All these articles about Christian being a womanizer makes me feel like I am doing the right decision of ignoring his phone calls and his text messages. I mean, I don't need another man to hurt me in my life. This is really becoming out of hand.

I shut the computer off and just when I grab my red shoulder bag and stand, Hannah knocks on the surface of my cubicle and smiles at me, "Hello, Ana. Are you doing fine?"

"Yes, I am, Hannah. Thanks for asking." She's probably just here to say goodbye for the end of the shift.

"You've been feeling off for the past three days. What's wrong?"

"Nothing is wrong," I lie.

"Hmmm . . . You know what? You need to get pumped up. I am supposed to attend a party tonight but I have dinner with my son. So I'd like you to represent LUSH for tonight's event. They are launching the newest and high-tech version of a laptop and they made us their media partner so you should be there."

Somehow this excites me. The party tonight will help me forget about Christian.

"Count me in, Hannah."

"Sure, be there at the party hall of Via Hotel."

"Noted!"

~Somewhere in the Middle~

Working in the journalism industry for years doesn't make me feel so naïve about parties anymore. Sure, I used to be so happy and excited about meeting big people, enjoying events for free, and getting the special treatment. Now it just seems like a normal thing. There are familiar faces.

This includes Clara, a fellow journalist of mine who stopped working because she married a hotshot lawyer.

"You still are my favourite writer, Ana. I was bummed your article wasn't published on the column for this month's issue."

Damn! That strikes my ego.

I conceal the hurt and say, "It's fine, Hannah. That intern's article is . . . dope, anyway."

I expect her to disagree or to laugh since we both hate interns but Clara tells me, "Yes! The article is phenomenal! I love how she made the list! It's like she knows how my husband feels the same way about me. Don't get me wrong, Ana, because I really do love your writing but this intern's article is so much brighter than yours."

"Brighter?"

"Yup, if you were colors, she's gold and you're black. Just saying."

I almost backlash her for that comment but somebody clears his throat and when I look at that person, I wanted nothing more but to run away and hail a cab and hide in a cave forever. It's Christian Grey. What is he doing here?

"What are you doing here?!"

"The two of you know each other?" Clara asks.

"Wait, you know Christian, Clara?" This seems weird. I assume she's another girl he fucked before. After all, men are pigs. They see someone fuckable and they go for it.

Christian answers, "Yes, she is my good friend's wife."

Clara replies, "True, Ana. We always meet in occasions like this. And you know what? When Dexter proposed to me, Christian was the one who played the guitar in the background. He has a nice voice and every Anniversary, Dex and I always ask him to sing."

For some reason, that puts me to shame. Clara's very in love with Dexter and Christian's so supportive. What is wrong with me?

"I will leave you be. Dexter is calling me," Clara leaves and once again, I am left with Christian.

He still has that same personality with his overconfident aura and smug smile. His hand rakes through his unruly copper hair and I try my best not to swoon over the natural beauty he is.

"Are you stalking me, Ana? First, in the museum and now in this party? If you want to see me, you can just answer my calls and reply to my messages," he was sarcastic but I can see how he's hitting me.

"You are the one who is stalking me, Christian."

"Whoa! Well, can we just call it . . . what's the word Kate and Elliott use? Serendipity? Maybe we're meant to see each other?"

I shake my head again and again. This is so unbelievable! How can this man believe that I have been chasing after him? In fact, I have been avoiding him! Why is he so overconfident? Ugh! I hate him.

Christian smiles, "Look, I got to admit that I was hurt when you wouldn't let me cuddle you."

There are three things that make me freeze inside when he said that. It's like I am put into this new world where his smile is sad and his eyes are too. The weight of his words feels heavy and I am finding it hard to conceal the hurt I feel too.

I open my mouth to speak but he cuts me off. What bothers me is that he tells it to me as if it is a casual matter—as if it's just a business deal.

"Ana, I do admit that I am falling for you. I admit that I want to be with you all the time. But just like you, I don't want a relationship too. I am enjoying the middle part because there's no commitment and the sex is awesome. Guess what? The feelings are mutual."

Isn't this what I wanted?

Isn't this what makes me want to stay?

Why do I feel so hurt then?

Christian smiles and it is a look that hides something within him, "Yeah, you're right. Relationships are such a waste. I mean, can't we just love without getting hurt? So I got to tell you this Ana, I am falling for you but I brought a parachute."

I am tongue-tied. I cannot even move.

To make matters worse, a woman who looks like a goddess in her glittering silver gown stands next to Christian and gives him a kiss on the cheek. She hooks arms with him and eyes me from head to toe, brow creased up so high, it looks like a hill.

"I am Andrea, Christian's date tonight and I am a well-known supermodel. Who are you?"

Tears are about to fall from my eyes but I cannot let anybody do this to me. I take a deep breath and recall that my chest is made out of steel. I am hurt but I am used to it. If Christian can be this hard then I can be too. I won't let anybody feel like they've made me weak.

I put on my brightest smile and shake her hands in a super friendly way.

"Andrea, you are so beautiful. You really look good together with Christian. I am Anastasia Steele, LUSH's columnist. You know, the biggest women's magazine in the country. You said you're a well-known supermodel? That's weird because I haven't seen you anywhere. I've never really heard your name."

"Excuse me?!" she looks so furious with me and I give myself a pat on the back.

Christian's face is bewildered. See, Christian? You don't mess with me.

"Oh and you two, enjoy the party, okay? And Andrea? Christian loves to take women from behind. He can ride you so well! Goodbye! Have a good time fucking!"

I walk out but as soon as I step out of the party scene, tears fall freely from my eyes. See? He isn't even worth it at all.

I take the elevator and when the doors close, I sink down the ground and cried like a baby. Christian's image plus a hookup named Andrea made me feel like I am not special at all.

And then I finally admit to myself why I was so scared that night, it's because the look in his eyes? The look filled with love?

It mirrored mine.

AN:

Yikes! We really have prideful characters here and I don't like the two of them right now. But I like you all. No, I love you! Thanks for all the support you've given me. What can you say?

Margo.