January 21st 2010
A river runs through me
Cutting me down the middle
Pulling me apart and pushing me to the edges
The earth is relentless
Its assault grinding me against rocks
Its magnetism never relenting,
I am held captive in its banks.
Castiel's final semester of college was not without its difficulties. His grades were surprisingly good, despite the amount of time he spent writing drunkenly on his kitchen floor. He found the space between where the two sets of cabinets meet the wall to be the perfect place for him to write. It was like the walls were hugging him, and he was regretful that he hadn't found this spot until he was almost ready to move out.
Meg and Castiel never discussed the night he broke her nose after she felt him up without his permission, and she moved out a week after he got back from Christmas vacation. She didn't tell him she was moving though and Castiel found a good portion of their apartment missing when he stepped out of his room one morning. Thankfully, Amelia had been wanting to move out of her over crowded apartment for some time, and Castiel had another person to share the rent with by the first of February.
February 17th 2010
Living with Amelia is so much easier than living with Meg. Except that she makes me get up before her classes to run with her, claiming its for my own good. She is probably right, but i am usually coddling a pretty decently sized hangover most mornings. She says hopefully the routine will help me cut down on my drinking. So far, her plan has worked...although i have not been writing as well either.
I think i should probably start thinking about alternative methods of getting into my writing zone. I suspect I am on the verge of developing a dependency...and i don't think that would be wise. I usually like to play Muse really loudly and drink until the combination lulls me into an idea, and i've had good results from that method. Without the alcohol i worry my mind will be too focused and unable to create anything at all.
I thought it would be weird to live with someone i have had sex with. It isn't though. Amelia seems content with our state of friendship, and she asks how Sam is doing often. Sam wasn't excited about the idea at first, but eventually agreed it made sense. He doesn't want me to be lonely, and i think he remembers the reasons i told him Amelia and I didn't work out.
I am very anxious to get to DC. Living without Sam has been incredibly tiresome. Having Amelia here helps, but i find myself not only counting down the days but sometimes the hours until i am with Sam again. He makes me feel more stable, more in control of my life. I think that is a very good thing.
The last days of Castiel's senior year of college were spent finalizing his move to DC and packing up his apartment with Amelia. They had transitioned their runs to the evening so that Castiel didn't have to worry about his hangovers impacting them anymore. They would run, make dinner together, and occasionally watch movies if Castiel wasn't in the mood to write. It was Amelia's goal to get Castiel through most classic movies before he graduated. She would be staying an additional year to work on her Master's degree in astronomy.
Castiel considered staying and picking up an advanced degree, but ultimately decided it didn't matter. Some writers didn't even go to college, so he figured he was ahead of the curve. Plus, he was anxious to get to Sam. The year had been long without him, despite seeing him over Christmas. Sam was unable to leave school during spring break because he was preparing his defense for a mock case and wanted to do a good job. Castiel understood, despite how desperate he was to see him.
One day, he found himself on facebook again, wanting to be close to Sam but being unable to call him because he was in class. He looked through his profile again, reading the words Sam had written in his profile. He went through the pictures again as well, this time going back farther and seeing more and more pictures of Sam with his family.
There were a lot of Dean. As he subconsciously moved the cursor over the contours of Dean's face, a notification popped up that showed Dean's name. Castiel clicked on it and it led him to Dean's own facebook profile. Castiel's stomach flipped in his stomach as the page loaded, his anticipation battling his guilt and winning. He felt his heart drop though when the page that loaded told him he needed to be 'friends' with Dean before he could look at his profile in depth.
Castiel let out a sigh but then let his eyes travel to Dean's profile picture. It was a candid shot of his profile. He was in the drivers seat of a car, with the sun setting out the window behind him. Dean was wearing aviators and his elbow was propped on the open window, his left hand rested on his jaw, a couple fingers brushing his bottom lip. There was a blur of what looked like a tree and brown desert out the window, making it obvious the car was in motion. The sun flare behind him made it so he was mostly in shadow, but Castiel could make out his features. His lips were pursed slightly, as if he was deep in thought. Cas wondered what he was thinking about in that moment, racing down an open road., and who took the picture. Castiel stared at the picture for a long moment before catching himself. He slammed the laptop shut suddenly, catching his own finger inside and crying out as the screen slammed into his fingernail.
March 19th 2010
I keep thinking maybe i should ask Dean to be my 'friend' on facebook. I think if i could see it and read what he wrote about himself then maybe i would find a reason not to think about him so much. Maybe his favorite band is Imagine Dragons. That would be enough to turn me off i think.
Sam once told me Dean joked around about being a famous musician growing up, and that he still played guitar occasionally. I think if i saw that, it would definitely make it harder to get him out of my head. I doubt he has time to play though, he works at a car shop during the day and bartends a few times a week as well. That doesn't lend much time to playing guitar.
I wonder if he sings too.
Castiel rented a moving van to get all of his things to DC. He stopped off at his home first to drop off his bed, since Sam already had one. He could hear his mother snoring in her bedroom the moment he entered his childhood home and wondered what she was on that day. If she was snoring it usually meant some combination of alcohol and sleeping pills. He paused outside of her bedroom door for a moment, wondering if maybe he should check on her but ultimately decided against it.
If she was going to die, then she was going to die.
There wasn't much Castiel could do about it at this point. He still stood there though, leaning against her bedroom door and listening to the sound of her sleep. Four years of college and a lot of time apart didn't numb him to the awfulness he went through as a child, but he still mourned in that moment. He mourned for the life he wished he had lived, he mourned for the mother he never had. It hit him then that this would probably be the last time he came to this house and he wasn't sure what to make of that. There was no reason for Castiel to come back, there was nothing here he ever wanted to see again.
He pushed himself off of his mother's bedroom door, putting his hand up to it momentarily before letting it drop to his side in sad defeat. He went back to his bedroom then and collected a few things he had left behind when he went to college but knew he would want to keep with him. His old journals, pictures of his siblings, an old model car he had spent days building and then painted to perfection. He had brought most of his books to college with him and were conveniently packed away in the moving van already. He scanned the room one more time, taking in the memories that flooded his brain and pushing away the ones that hurt the most.
Castiel let out a sigh as he left his bedroom, closing the door behind him.
May 29th 2010
I don't think I've ever been so happy.
The move in went great. I kissed Sam for about an hour outside when he met me at the door. His roommate was nice enough to give us the apartment for a few days, i think that was probably wise considering we didn't make it through the kitchen before our pants were off.
The lease his current roommate has ends in June so we will be on our own starting then. I cant believe this is happening. We are living together. Sam hasn't stopped smiling since i got here, i cant believe i can make anyone that happy.
We are meeting Dean and Charlie tonight for dinner and drinks. I would be lying if i said i wasn't looking forward to spending more time with Sam's brother. I think forming a friendship with him will help set the parameters of our relationship.
You don't think about your friends when you jerk off.
Castiel let his head fall back against the shower's ceramic tiles. The steam from the hot water rose up around him, coating his face and dripping off of his eyelashes. His eyes were closed, his mouth hung open slightly, and his hands were carding through his boyfriends hair as Sam licked his way up and down Cas' shaft.
Sam teased his tip with a few flicks of his tongue before swallowing him down, swiping his tongue back and forth.
"Mm..God...I-I missed this." Castiel groaned out as Sam continued to suck him off. He could feel himself begin to get close, his body trembling and his legs getting weak.
"I-i'm close." He warned, bucking his hips slightly into Sam's mouth. Sam hummed around Castiel's cock in acknowledgement and it sent Castiel over the edge. He pulled on Sam's hair to let him know he was about to go and let out a moan that echoed through the bathroom. Sam pulled his mouth off of his cock and stroked him to completion, his seed crossing the shower's water stream and flowing down the drain.
Sam stood up so that Castiel could lean against him, his body still recovering from the force of his orgasm. "That was..." Castiel huffed against his lovers shoulder. "That was fucking fantastic."
Sam laughed. "You're just saying that because its the first blow job you've had in months."
"Could be...but i'm fairly certain there was skill involved as well." Castiel countered, his head coming up to look at Sam.
"We should probably finish up, we need to meet Dean and Charlie in an hour." Sam whispered against Cas' lips.
"Mmhmm." Castiel murmured. He pulled Sam into a deep kiss.
"Of course, if we're a few minutes late i don't think they'd blame us." Sam kissed Castiel back, pushing his hips into him and pressing Cas against the wall of the shower.
Castiel nodded as he slid his tongue across Sam's, wrapping his arms around his waist and gripping his ass tightly. "Bedroom." He managed to get out between kisses, his voice deep and commanding.
Sam immediately turned around and turned off the shower. He pulled Castiel with him out of the bathroom and into their bedroom.
Castiel pushed Sam onto their bed and climbed on top of him. Their bodies were still wet from the shower and slid together easily, their hips bucking into one another, the friction not quite enough. Castiel bent down and began biting and sucking at Sam's neck, lapping his tongue around his collar bone.
"Fuck babe, just- God." Sam squirmed beneath him and pushed his hips up. "Just fuck me already." He grunted out, needing more.
Castiel grinned against his boyfriends mouth. "I think we may have just enough time for that."
Castiel and Sam walked into the restaurant only ten minutes late. It was a narrow place, with booths along the walls and tables in the middle. The lighting was dim and somewhat tinted in blues and yellows. The music was soft and acoustic and Cas figured this would be a good place to take Sam when it was just the two of them.
The hostess showed them to the table where Dean and Charlie were already sipping beers from mugs and laughing. Dean was wearing a grey henley that clung to his chest and showed off his impeccable physique. He was clean shaven as opposed to the stubble he had over christmas, a fact Castiel noticed immediately. When Dean laughed he put his entire body into it, his chest coming close to the table as he doubled over. Castiel couldn't help but grin at the sight.
"Sorry we're late." Sam announced as they reached the booth the hostess led them to. "Traffic."
"Oh don't lie," Charlie's voice came from the other side of the booth. "You two were bumping uglies. Weren't ya?" She smiled widely as Sam blushed. Castiel let out a laugh and shook his head.
"You know us too well." He managed to get out before sliding in to sit next to her. Charlie was wearing a bright red jacket over a Skyrim t-shirt. She sat casually in the booth, her leg propped up and her elbow resting on her knee.
Sam shot Castiel a look before sitting down next to his brother. "What he means to say is- Charlie shut up and mind your own business."
"I'm pretty sure Cas can speak for himself Sammy." Dean piped in, and Castiel felt a shiver go down his spine at the sound. He had seen Dean once already since he moved to DC, but it was just for a few minutes. He had come by to pick up a movie from Sam and left almost as soon as the movie was in his hands. He seemed anxious about something, and when Castiel asked Sam about it he shrugged.
"Dean is...Dean is complicated." He sat down in their understuffed couch. " He isn't really a sharer. But it eventually comes out, despite his best efforts."
"That's odd. I would assume because you are so close, that he would tell you things."
"He does. But its usually in a way that most people wouldn't understand." Sam shook his head and Castiel came to sit next to him. "For example- Dean had a huge fight with Bobby a couple weeks ago about something to do with the car shop he works at. But instead of telling me he had a fight with Bobby, Dean just drank himself stupid and then brooded in the corner for an hour before passing out. When i asked him what was wrong the next morning, he asked me if i needed a tampon."
"So how did you find out about the fight?"
"Well- that's the next step in Dean psychology. He pushes me away, usually by insulting me somehow, and then a couple days later he will blow up about something miniscule. Like with this- he flipped out over getting curly fries instead of onion rings at lunch the next day, something Dean would never do. He will rant about whatever it is until suddenly the rant transforms, not so subtly, into what he is really upset about. His rant over lunch turned into the psychological ramifications of onion rings always having to do what the french fry wants."
Castiel couldn't help the smile that formed on his face. "He yelled at a waitress about the insecurities of onion rings?"
"Yep. For about five minutes until i could get him to shut up." Sam sighed. "Then, after he has yelled himself out- then Dean will come clean in his own way. In this instance it was-" Sam straightened up and lowered his voice to imitate his brother. " 'Shut up Sam- I don't need you telling me how to order food and i don't need bobby telling me how to live my life."
Castiel nodded in understanding. "So the onion rings...were really about Bobby..."
"Yep." Sam smiled. "You spend enough time with him, you'll learn to speak emotionally stunted Dean."
Castiel felt his stomach flip at the thought of getting close to Dean. He kept his voice even though when he replied sarcastically. "Something to look forward to then."
Sam laughed, his arm coming up to drape over the top of the couch as his eyes searched the room for the television remote.
"What was the fight about?" Castiel asked, suddenly feeling like there was no answer he wanted to more.
"Huh? Oh, um Bobby got pissed because Dean wanted to take fewer shifts at the shop. Bobby thinks Dean is giving up a good opportunity because the guy that owns the shop Dean works at is going to retire sometime soon, and its likely Dean would be named the manager."
Castiel thought about that for a moment. "And Dean doesn't want to be manager?"
"I don't think Dean knows what he wants." Sam finally said after a long pause. "I think he got used to having to take care of me for so long, he doesn't know what to do with his life now. I mean, he's been working at the shop since he was fifteen. A lot changes in ten years."
"Yes." Castiel agreed. "Does he enjoy working at the bunker?"
"Definitely." Sam laughed. "I swear, he like gets off on it. He loves talking to people, as long as it doesn't get personal of course." Sam clarified. "He started working there the day he turned twenty-one."
"So he works at the shop and at the bar...and now he doesn't want to work at the shop as much anymore." Castiel said it as a statement, as if he was recapping the information for himself for later contemplation.
"Seems so." Sam said. "I think- I don't know, i think its possible the mechanic thing was all about our dad. Maybe that's not really what Dean wants, and Bobby is seeing it as him flaking." Sam shrugged.
Castiel thought about that for a moment.
"Well i think whatever Dean wants to do, he should just go for it." He finally said, his voice quiet.
"Me too." Sam said with a smile.
The four of them sat around the booth of the restaurant in Arlington and caught up as they ate their dinners. Castiel had prepped himself not to look at Dean too often, or for too long but his restraint was unnecessary. Besides when they greeted each other with a handshake, Dean's eyes never landed on Castiel for longer than a second. It was almost as if looking at him was painful and Dean couldn't look away fast enough.
It was something Castiel noticed after about ten minutes and he began to fret about the situation. He watched as Dean would talk to his brother and then when Castiel began to speak his green eyes would naturally shift to Cas' and settle for the slightest moment before darting away quickly. When Dean started purposely staring down at his food whenever Castiel spoke, Cas began to sweat.
"So Cas, what are you going to do here in DC?" Charlie asked between bites of her black bean burger.
"I'm not sure yet." He answered, trying to sound as unaffected as possible by the way Dean was looking everywhere but him. "I plan to spend most of my time writing, but i'll have to get some sort of job to pay bills." Castiel took a chance and glanced at Dean as he finished. He found him staring at knot in the wood of the table. His eyes looked like they were actually vibrating. Cas suppressed the sigh he felt collect in his shoulders and went back to picking at the steak salad he had ordered.
"There's a few libraries you could look into." Sam proposed.
Charlie gasped then and looked to Dean who had begun hungrily taking down a cheeseburger again and chasing it with half of his beer.
With his mouth full, Dean took in Charlie's expression and excited gaze.
"Wha?"
"He could work at The Bunker!" Charlie was nearly bouncing out of her seat.
Dean choked on his cheeseburger. He shook his head as he coughed up the piece of burger that had lodged in his throat. Sam slapped him on the back. "You alright?"
Dean's eyes flashed to Castiel and stayed there longer than they had all night. They were wide for a split second and Castiel thought he saw fear in them. He then looked back down to his beer and took two large gulps. Castiel watched him, he felt his skin begin to crawl in confusion at the look Dean had given him.
"It'll be perfect! Dean can train you and then we can all hang out more often!" Charlie said with such enthusiasm Castiel couldn't help but turn his anxious expression into a shy smile.
"Uh- Charlie," Dean interrupted. "I'm sure Cas has better offers than to work in some grungy bar." His eyes were fixed on Charlie, and he was stock still except for the subconscious flutter of his lashes when he said Cas' name.
"Grungy bar? Dean! How dare you?" Charlie placed her hand over her heart. "that's your baby!" She pretended to be hurt.
Dean rolled his eyes as Charlie's dramatic moment. "I only meant that he probably has better opportunities...you know with the degree and everything." He looked flustered then, his hand finding his neck in the way Castiel had come to recognize as a sign of Dean's embarrassment.
"Oh come on- its perfect Cas!" Charlie turned to face him. "You would have a flexible schedule so you could write whenever you want basically, and you would be around people who make excellent case studies for whatever you're writing." Charlie put her hands together in a pleading gesture. "Please Cas! It'll be so much fun! And Ash just quit so there's an opening! It's absolutely perfect!"
Despite Castiel's uneasiness at Dean's reaction, he couldn't help the wide grin that formed over his face at Charlie's enthusiasm. He had never had anyone besides Sam want to be around him that much. It made him feel accepted and he wanted to ride that feeling. He pointedly avoided Dean's gaze as he threw up his hands in mock defeat.
"I guess i have no choice then." He gave her a wide gummy smile and Charlie threw her arms around him.
"Yes! We are going to have so much fun!" Castiel awkwardly let his arms fall around Charlie for a moment before she pulled back and looked at Dean who was staring at their exchange, his eyes darting between them quickly. His mouth was set into a slight frown and his lips were pressed together firmly.
"Dean! Aren't you so excited?" Charlie pressed, her eyebrows raising in encouragement.
Castiel looked at Sam first, hoping to find comfort there before taking his eyes to Dean. Sam was smiling widely and staring back at him. When Castiel shrugged and cocked his head to the side as a silent, 'What do you think?' Sam nodded and put his hand on Castiel's from across the table. Castiel smiled at him and then summoned the courage to look over to Dean who had yet to speak.
Dean was staring at him. His eyes were still hard and his mouth was still turned down just enough to let make Castiel's heart drop. Cas let his eyes fall back to the table for a moment, unable to hide his disappointment. With that, something in Dean shifted. Whatever weight he was straining against lifted, and his face softened.
"Yeah, it'll be great." Castiel's eyes shot back up at the sincerely of Dean's tone. Their eyes locked and Cas saw the difference in Dean's expression immediately. Not only were his features softer, but he was smiling. It wasn't a forced smile, or polite. It was the easy smile that Castiel was growing so fond of. It was the smile that made Dean's eyes shine and Castiel's heart flutter.
"Thank you Dean." Castiel managed to get out, still holding Dean's gaze
"Yeah- thanks Dean. This will be awesome for Cas." Sam joined in, his sweet and eager smile bringing Castiel out of his weak moment of indulgence. He looked over to his boyfriend and gave him a wide grin.
After dinner the four of them walked to a bar nearby to drink some more and in Dean's case, makeout with a few random girls he met on the way to the bathroom. Charlie ducked out fairly early in the evening, her arm draped over a short brunette in pigtails and a short skirt. She winked at Cas and Sam as she left the bar.
"I guess that just leaves us and the man slut over there." Sam motioned to Dean as he drained the last of his beer.
Castiel followed Sam's gaze to his older brother and felt a pang of something he didn't want to name as his eyes landed on Dean and the girl who he was currently sucking face with. Dean had resumed his resolve to ignore Castiel once they left the restaurant, although the drunker he got the longer he dared to look Cas' way.
After a few drinks and before his first tonsil hockey partner, Dean began to loosen up. He even started talking to Castiel, asking him questions about the novel he was working on and if he liked living in DC so far. At one point, when Sam was grabbing another round at the bar, Castiel had made a smartass remark about Sam's cooking. Dean laughed so hard he spit out some of his beer which sprayed across Castiel's shirt and neck.
"Oh dude!" Dean laughed. "I'm so sorry." He casually lifted his hand to Cas' neck and wiped away the drops of beer that had landed there. Castiel stopped breathing when Dean's thumb glided smoothly under his jaw, the feeling overwhelming him instantly. Dean's casual laughter stopped suddenly then, and he pulled his hand back quickly.
That was the moment he excused himself to the bathroom and found a random girl to makeout with. Castiel was sure it wouldn't have taken Dean long to find a willing partner, besides his impossible good looks he was also incredibly confident as he approached women.
Castiel turned his back from the show Dean was putting on and looked up at Sam. "How about you and I do a more private version of that back home?" He gave his boyfriend a sexy smile.
Sam grinned. "I think that sounds like the best possible ending to our night."
"Let me just pay our tab then." Castiel made sure to brush his ass against Sam's groin as he walked past him.
"Tease!" Sam called after him.
Castiel handed the bartender his credit card and waited for it at the bar. Despite his better judgment, he searched through the crowd to find Dean. When he finally spotted the bleach blonde he remembered Dean had latched on to, he was startled to find green eyes staring back at him. The girl had her back to Castiel and her hands were on Dean's chest, but Dean was looking past her.
He was looking right at Castiel.
Cas wasn't sure what he should do in the few seconds he knew he had before Dean looked away. Part of him wanted to smile and wave, another part wanted to look away as quickly as possible. And then there was a piece of him, a small but incredibly powerful piece that wanted to just stare back. He could hold the gaze of those emerald green eyes and pretend it was alright. He could soak in their depths and pretend not to be drowning in them.
In his indecisiveness, Castiel found himself doing nothing just staring and watched as Dean gave him a look he didn't understand.
"Here you go." The bartender interrupted the moment, and Castiel pulled himself out of Dean's eyes.
"Thanks." Castiel signed the bill and pushed it towards the bartender. He turned away from the bar and found his eyes unconsciously making their way back to where Dean had stood. Dean's eyes were no longer looking back at him then, they were closed tight as he kissed the bleach blonde in fervor.
May 30th 2010
Our night out with Dean and Charlie went as well as can be expected i assume. Charlie is a pleasure to be around, her enthusiasm rubbing off on everyone around her. I found it impossible not to enjoy the evening, even though Dean's behavior was pulling me in another direction entirely.
It was as if he was struggling with something most of the night. Sometimes he would let whatever it was go though, and he was there again. He was smiling and laughing and occasionally putting his hand on my shoulder that made me feel a multitude of things i'd rather not think about. But then I would say something, or he would feel the heat from by body beneath his hand and he would revert back to ignoring me. It was incredibly odd.
I have no doubt that he did not like the idea of me working with him and Charlie. Which i also find odd. I had thought we had developed a nice rapport so far, and i was fairly certain he liked me. Something is definitely going on with him and i wonder if this is one of those times where Sam will have to hear about curly fries again before i truly know what's on his mind.
My instinct was to decline Charlie's proposal to work at the Bunker. With my strange fascination with Dean, i don't know if it would be a good idea to be so close to him all the time. But in the end, i couldn't deny Charlie's hopeful smile or let go of the opportunity to make friends with Dean. I think that will be the key to releasing myself of whatever this is that i'm feeling for him.
