Shell Shock
byline: Anubis Soundwave
CHAPTER 6: Stop the Presses!
Scene: 1
Mario's an amazing guy. The guy piloting the ferry to Rogueport isn't scared to head there anymore (which saves me a lot on Coins, let me tell you).
"Wow," says the captain, staring at the docks outside Rogueport as our boat arrives. "The Black Skull is gone. No reason for Cortez to return to Keelhaul Key; it's weird."
"Do you think he left with Mario?" I ask.
The captain shakes his head. "He came to and left Rogueport," he says.
"Did Mario mention where he was headed?" I continue, because I'm onto something.
"He didn't say much," says the captain, shrugging.
Mario hardly says anything. The one time I've heard him speak in complete sentences was a shock, but that was Mario's childhood self-due to some time-travel shenanigans.
It seems that the Brothers' roles have basically reversed since they were kids: Mario was always brave, but he was also a chatterbox; Luigi was shy and barely spoke, but more confident and willing to face danger. Now, of course, Mario's the textbook example of a silent protagonist; meanwhile, Luigi seems to be scared of his own shadow these days, but he's become Mr. Exposition.
Which is not to say that Luigi doesn't have courage; sometimes he actually wants to go on adventures, but Mario won't let him most of the time-and most of the time, it's just Bowser being an evil moron. Luigi's frustrated about how secretive Mario has become since that Void nearly ended all of existence-and that was a hard scoop to cover, as Luigi didn't have much information: he was unconscious for a massive chunk of it.
Even so, I get the feeling that I won't get any more info about Mario's whereabouts from the captain; those two Goombas from Bowser's Troop are giving me a hard Tattle gaze.
I step off the ferry, then head into town to meet my contact.
As soon as I enter the town square, I note something missing...
...Zess T.'s kitchen. I'd bet that she's madder than a hopped-on Wiggler.
My Mailbox DS goes off, and I hope that my contact's game is still on...and that he wasn't responsible for the damage to Zess' kitchen. I can still never be sure about Rogueport.
Scene: 2
"He ain't saying nothin' else, lady," I say, adjusting my sunglasses for effect.
The lady Koopa scowls. "McGoomba, you can't let this escargoon intimidate you!" she spits. "I need your help to break this story."
"If you don't leave," I counter, "I, Ishnail, the 'escargoon' leader of the Robbo gang, am going to break your pretty pink shell." I don't really want to intimidate her, but she's right behind the Trouble Center, and the Mario Brothers being "missing" is related to an unfinished Trouble. The Robbos can't afford to lose the Trouble Center's anonymity, and we definitely can't be the ones to leak the details of "On His Majesty's Koopa Service".
"I've said all I'm gonna say on this one, Kylie," says McGoomba. "Go to Petalburg."
"I'm supposed to go there and look for a guy calling himself the 'Hide and Seek Koopa'!" shrieks this Kylie.
"Ain't my problem," says McGoomba.
"So you should do as the Goomba says and gets to seeking," says a Pianta mook. Oh, yeah: we're currently in a truce with the Pianta jerks because of this Trouble-which is becoming more trouble than it's worth.
"Take it easy," says Gary, still disheveled after failing at his job as beef gate to our little corner of East Rogueport. Piantas hit like Thwomps. "We were just asking the lady here to leave," he adds, nodding towards Kylie.
"Then ask a little more forcefully," says Mona Francesca di Monteone de la Pianta, who's really taking after her old man-though thankfully, she's not wearing those awful pointy sunglasses.
"Francesca," says Frankie Piton sheepishly; this guy's her husband: the one who's supposed to be the boss of the Pianta Syndicate. "I was going to say that."
"This cutscene's too long already, Frankie," says Francesca curtly. "Take the Koopa girl to the pipe leading to Petalburg," she orders, glaring at me.
"Are you ordering me around!?" I balk.
"She is," grins Frankie ruefully, "and either youse will obey her, or you Robbo punks will be dealing with us," he adds, cracking his knuckles. His fellow Pianta heavies follow suit.
I whistle, and Gary points his spear at Kylie; other Robbo-affliated Craws join Gary as they escort Kylie from the back of our headquarters.
Between the Trouble and this damn intrepid reporter, the Robbos are up a lava creek on a wooden ship without a paddle. This Francesca chick's even more ruthless than the old Don.
Scene: 3
That McGoomba: he really lives down to the reputation of Goombas as cowardly traitors.
Thankfully, another set of Goombas were easier to persuade into finding me a safe shortcut to Petalburg. After all, an independent Koopa girl's got to know Power Shell.
Now to find Koopook, the Hide and Seek...wow. Why is there a working life-sized replica of Bowser's Neon Palace in Petalburg? That has to be the second-most hideous house here. (That wretched pink house still takes the prize.)
Given that the neon sign has my next lead's name on it, I'd say that Koopook will need to change his name.
I approach the castle, ringing the door gong.
Koopook answers the door. "A visitor! I'm so glad you've found me," he says cheerfully, grabbing my hand. "Please, come in."
I take it back. Koopook has perfected the art of hiding in plain sight: no one will want to find him.
"Do you like the decor?" asks Koopook. "After a recent hiding trip, I've decided to take an...indefinite break from hiding. I've had a bit of a scare, and I wanted to cheer myself up, so I did some redecorating-based on my dad's pictures of the Neon Castle when he was stationed there during the Dinosaur World offensive."
I struggle to find words. "What...no lava?" I finally ask, dreading the answer.
"Mayor Kroop denied my request to have lava piped in: a real shame," says Koopook. "It really would have tied the look of this place together-authenticity's important."
"My name is Kylie Koopa," I say after gathering my wits and thanking the Stars that the mayor's sense of self-preservation prevailed. "I'm a reporter, and I'd like to ask you a few questions."
Koopook nods.
"What...brought this on?" I ask, bewildered.
"Like I said: I had a bad experience while hiding," says Koopook.
"I see," I say.
"Would you like some Koopa Tea?" asks Koopook.
"Certainly," I answer, grateful. I really need some of that Tea, to settle my nerves.
I take out my notepad and jot down what I know so far as Koopook prepares the Tea.
One: The Mario Brothers are missing. They left with Princess Peach on a treasure hunt, but haven't returned yet.
Two: Bowser is nowhere to be found at all.
Three: The Robbo gang and the Pianta Syndicate are in some kind of truce connected to this breaking story-as they've clearly scared the fuzz off McGoomba.
Koopook clearly saw something so horrible that Bowser's creepy castle is more cheerful in his mind. I'll have to get him to trust me, then I can get the info I need.
Koopook serves the Tea.
"I've met Mario," I say, presenting one of my favorite ice-breakers: my story on the Shroob Invasion.
"So have I," says Koopook. "I sent in a Trouble to have someone try to find me," he adds, grinning, "and somehow Mario was there with Koops. Now that's one Koopa who's really developed some nerve. He beat Hooktail, you know: and saved his dad."
"Ah," I say. "Is Koops single?" I ask; while Koops-like Koopook here-is clearly too young for me, I figure that Koopook may let something slip. Koops was with Mario when he fought the Shadow Queen-that Koopa might know something.
"Nope," says Koopook, sipping his Tea after swallowing a bit of a Koopa Bun. "He and Koopie Koo were practically engaged ever since they were kids."
"I see," I sigh, batting my eyelashes. "Have you seen Koops lately?" I ask.
"Koops left with Koopie Koo and Kooper: his cousin from Koopa Village," says Koopook.
"Did they tell you where they went?" I ask casually, sipping some Tea.
Koopook trembles. "They went on a trip," he says; abruptly, he draws into his shell.
"I take it that the interview is over," I say.
"Yep," says Koopook from within his shell.
Annoyed, I grab my notepad and Mailbox DS, then leave Koopook's castle.
Scene: 4
"Please," I plead with the proprietor of the "reputable" Koopa's Shop in Koopa Village-back in the Mushroom Kingdom. "Frankly, I'm sick of all of the stonewalling I'm getting on this."
"Not my problem," says the shopkeeper.
"Look," I counter. "I know that you recently filled a massive order of POW Blocks. In fact, every known shop in the Mushroom World is out of POW Blocks."
"So?" asks the shopkeeper.
"Did Bowser buy up all of the POW Blocks to prevent any counters to a pending Koopa Troop invasion?" I ask.
A Fire Brother enters the shop: a bit an elderly gent. "You're pretty sharp, young lady," he grins. "I'll definitely bring this up in the next Hammer meeting at Bowser's Keep. We have to protect our front-liners from the Mario Brothers' next assault."
I think I just gave a member of the Koopa Troop an idea. "So the POW Blocks will be used against Koopas," I ask him.
"Yes," says the Fire Brother, "but not against us."
"Be quiet," hisses the shopkeeper. "The Koot ordered us not to talk to anyone about your grandsons' trip."
"By 'the Koot', you mean Koopa Village's elder?" I ask.
"It's a mess," says the Fire Brother. "I'm actually here to ask a question myself," he continues. "Has anyone seen the old Major?"
"You mean that Koopa Koot isn't in the village?" I ask.
"I know!" balks the Fire Brother. "That codger hasn't set foot outside this village since Kent was a little kowappa-before that growth spurt of his made him viable for the Mushroom World offensive."
Kent C. Koopa: one of the two legendary Heavy Troopas, along with Koopa the Quick.
"Where is Kent now?" I ask.
"As that fellow said, we aren't really supposed to talk too much," says the Fire Brother, who obviously wants to talk: his eyes are filled with pride.
"You seem very proud of your grandsons," I say.
"Damn right I am!" says the Fire Brother. "Of my grandsons, the Koopa Brothers: following in the Major's footsteps in service to both Koopa Kingdoms-even if that old fool refuses to understand it."
The Koopa Brothers!? The Ninjakoopa jerks who helped Bowser hold one of the Star Spirits hostage and forced all of those Bob-ombs to work in that dumb fortress? This old guy's delusional.
"Isn't a reporter supposed to be impartial?" continues the Fire Brother, who obviously caught my shocked expression.
Impartial, not blind. "To a degree. I suppose that you want to give your side of the story," I say.
The Fire Brother nods, jerks his head toward the door, then exits the shop; I follow him out.
Scene: 5
Aboard the Black Skull, I look at my treasures.
Bobbery approaches me. "Careful, old chap," he says. "This is a pirate ship," he continues, noting my closed star-shaped locket, "and that keepsake looks valuable."
"It is," I say simply. "The pile of bones running this boat will have to end my game to get it from me."
"While that would certainly make you very happy," says Bobbery, "you would be doing your son and grandsons no favors."
"Bobbery, I ought to whack you with my cane," I fume, not liking that look of empathy on his face.
"Have some consideration, Major Koopa," says Bobbery tersely, "for those of us who have never even had children that they've wished for fervently."
"You mean Kroop?" I spit. "The way I figure it," I continue, "Kroop's the lucky one. He gets to live in peace in that fog of his memories when he's at home in Petalburg, and doesn't have a quartet of disrespectful brats to remind him that there ever was a Koopa king in his life, making it hell."
Bobbery sighs.
I grip a family photo, taken after the Smithy Invasion: one of my most prized possessions. It's such a nice picture. Jagger and the boys are all smiling with me and their other grandpappy, my daughter-in-law's father.
Little did I know, however, that right after that photo was snapped, all hell would break loose...
...because Red, being the git that he is, announced right then that the four of them-he and his brothers-had joined the Koopa Troop.
Sushie approaches me. "You're worried about them, aren't you?" she asks.
"You don't know how they broke my heart," I scowl. "I don't understand why they would willingly join the Koopa Troop."
"Of course you do," says Kroop quietly. "Bowser protected those boys when that evil maniac dragged Warrant Officer Koopa into the painting," he continues, "and they're expressing their gratitude in the most obnoxious, petulant way possible-like all impatient young ones."
I take off my glasses, wipe them with a cloth, then put them back on.
"Besides," Kroop continues, "the Mushroom Kingdom's entire military force is a pair of plumbers, with a pair of Toads, maybe."
"And who's dad-blamed fault is that!?" I demand.
"Bowser's father," says Kroop. "I wish to the Stars that I could forget that," he continues, "but to honor my missus' memory, I won't. And I won't fling that monster's sins onto Bowser, who saved us all from him."
"Only to become a menace in his own right!" I seethe.
"The way it's been explained to me," says Kroop, "Bowser's Koopa Troop has a noble mission: to unite the nine Koopa Kingdoms and end the war."
"You do realize," I counter, "that one of those nine kingdoms is part of the Mushroom Kingdom because of Princess Peach, and so Bowser concocts increasingly-deranged schemes to force her to marry him to carry out this goal?"
"As misguided as it seems to you," says Sergeant Flutter, "Bowser's just trying to take the place of King Daibara-and eliminating the other eight kingdoms to consolidate the Koopa Empire under his rule makes sense if you see Bowser in that light."
"When Sushie and I were initially in the Koopa Troop, we were soldiers of the Ninth Koopa Kingdom, and we served with pride," I say.
"As did I," says Sergeant Flutter. "I was a young air Koopa, with the postmaster as my partner, under the leadership of Captain Paretta, Parakarry's father."
I remember Captain Paretta: a friendly green-shell with a warm smile-who was a terror in the skies. His Shell Shot on the snout of Bowser's rotten pappy saved Flutter and the postmaster's lives that day-along with mine...but it cost him his life.
"I lost my husband to that battle," says Sushie.
"Some of us lost loved ones because of you," adds Kroop, "as you had to take the opportunity to double-cross us to save King Daibara's royal family."
I'd like to think that was a proud moment for me...but I couldn't save His Majesty. And I didn't think that the Eighth Kingdom troops would be murdered by their own king. But what was I supposed to do: let Bowser's father subjugate the Ninth and Mushroom Kingdoms?
Scene: 6
I think the old guy's finally winding down...!
"...and we went to outer space at least three times!" grins the Fire Brother. "Not even the Koot wants a return to the old days when Bowser's father was running things."
"Is that so...?" I ask.
"I tell you, young lady: the day that Bowser overthrew his awful pappy and took charge was the greatest day for Koopas in the Mushroom World, and the second-greatest day of peace in Mushroom World history," says the Fire Brother. "Nobody will ever convince me that I'm wrong."
"What was the greatest day of peace?" I wonder.
"When Joe was born, of course," grins the Fire Brother. "That ended a 2500 year-old feud in that guy's family. But that's another long story, and I don't think you want to sit through that much exposition. I did try to give you the short version of my story, though."
"I've caught everything," I say honestly. The Record function of my Mailbox DS is perfect for capturing long-winded exposition speeches. I think I'll give one to Mario for his birthday, as he tends to sleep through those like a log. "If you don't mind me asking," I continue, "where is Bowser now?"
"I honestly don't know," says the Fire Brother, "but I can safely say that Bowser didn't kidnap Peach or the Mario Brothers. Everyone here would know if Bowser staged an invasion."
"He's not very subtle at all," says the shopkeeper as he exits the shop, locking the store for the day. "The Koopa Troop has footage of his attack on the Starbit Festival posted to YouTube-set to orchestrated Airship music."
"Anything to attract fresh young Koopa recruits for the Troop," I grin wryly. Mostly because if the Shroob Princesses' games hadn't been ended already, they'd be angry that Bowser stole their tech for his schemes. That, combined with natural Koopa mastery of magic, is what has given Bowser's army the edge.
I can't really blame Grodus for having the X-Naut Fortress on the moon: between Bowser, the Mario Brothers, and the threats that these two forces have thwarted together and while in the course of fighting each other; that was the smartest decision ever made.
The Fire Brother leaves the Village.
"I'll say one thing-if only to get you out of here," says the shopkeeper. "Head to Forever Forest. Bowser said that he was headed to the mansion in the depths of that spooky place."
I pout as I use my Warp Pipe locator on the Mailbox DS, as I will not be sent on a wild goose chase by these stonewallers...
...bingo. Mario is my hero. I definitely respect his hard work setting up these warp pipes.
Walking toward the blue pipe outside Koopa Koot's home (hidden behind some shrubbery), I hop inside, ready to gather more information about..."The Four Heroes of the Prognosticus: the Second Quest".
A bit long for a headline, but I'll work that out with the editor.
Scene: 7
"It's so good to have family over," I say cheerfully as I serve slices of Cake and some Koopa Tea to my brother and ever-prickly sister.
"I would have brought some Zess Tea, sis," says Zess, frowning as usual, "but you know Stompy."
"When will you let Mario live down that honest accident?" I ask. "He replaced your contact lens."
"That's good-because he broke it!" fumes Zess.
"Sister Zess, your contact lens was an unavoidable event flag for Mario," says our brother, the head of our town's local dojo. "We all have them from time to time. Anger is pointless in such instances."
Suddenly, a disheveled young Koopa girl with a camera and some other gadgets bursts into my house. "Sorry!" she gasps.
"You're going to be sorry, missy!" spits Zess.
"Zess, please calm down," I say. "Young lady," I add to the girl, who looks frantic, "what's wrong?"
"Everything's wrong!" shrieks the girl, who has a lovely pink shell. "You're all old Toads, and I've just put you three in danger! I'll get out now!"
My brother gently grips the girl's wrist. "Be at peace, young one," he says calmly, with a tranquil yet stern expression on his face. "All will be settled." He exits my house; we follow him outside...
...to face an army of Koopatrols.
"Why would Bowser send his legions here?" scoffs Zess. "Afraid that we'll prepare Jelly Ultras and Life Shrooms?"
"T-those aren't Bowser's soldiers..." gasps the girl.
"She speaks the truth," says my brother. "These follow the will of a different Koopa king...an older evil."
"Indeed. Your games will all end here and now," declares a Koopatrol.
Zess' eyes widen as she whips out Egg Bombs and Coco Bombs. "Lemme use your stove, Tayce," she spits.
I nod, used to her grouchiness by now. "Are you making one of your specialty dishes?" I ask.
"Yep," grins Zess crudely. "It'll knock their socks off."
My brother defeats most of the Koopatrols, astonishing the Koopa girl. The lead Koopatrol, of course, summons reinforcements.
"Ah," says my brother, sedate. "So Paratroopas have found a way to fly in spite of that heavy armor. They will be more difficult."
"Not for long," smirks Zess. She and I hurl many servings of her signature dish at the Parakoopatrols: Zess Dynamite. This subdues the lot of them, as they're now on their backs.
"I tried my one POW block on them," says the girl. "It won't last long on these guys."
"Indeed," says my brother. "These Koopas have been hardened by years of combat and training in the kingdom they hail from. We must prepare for trouble."
A large group of Fuzzies attack the Koopatrols, bouncing on them and draining their HP.
"Hey!" demands the girl. "Weaken them, but don't end their games, okay? I have questions."
"If you say so, reporter lady," says a Gold Fuzzy, the group's leader. He nods, and the other Fuzzies end their assault. "Nobody tries to whomp the Master," he continues to the the lead Koopatrol. "He trained me, and as you can see, the training's paid off."
Zess and my brother tie the lead Koopatrol to a chair.
The girl sighs, taking out one of those new devices: a Mailbox DS. I want to get one, but then poor Parakarry would be out of a job, and he loves the post office so much.
"This is Kylie Koopa," says the girl, after collecting her wits. "I'm reporting live from the kitchen of Tayce T., where a regiment of Koopatrols have just been defeated. Sources have advised me that these soldiers are not affiliated with the Koopa Troop of the Eighth Koopa Kingdom.
"Of course not, lady!" balks the Gold Fuzzy. "We'd be hearing Bowser's Airship Theme long before now if this were one of his gigs," he continues, "and the Koopa Brothers would have let us in on the fun."
"Yeah," whines another Fuzzy. "They all just holed up in their Fortress with Kent, Kooper, Parakarry, and some other Koopas-and they all burnt us with Fire Flowers to keep us from following them."
"What's going on!?" cries another Fuzzy. The other Fuzzies chime in with this as a chorus.
"The whole Mushroom World is about to find out," says the girl, Kylie, gravely.
The Koopatrol leader glares at us.
"What is your purpose in all of this?" Kylie asks the Koopatrol leader. "Why did you block all of those warp pipes," she adds, "and why did you kill that Spiky Gloomba?"
"Ending the game of that weakling requires no explanation," sneers the lead Koopatrol. "We blocked the pipes to prevent anyone from interfering with his return."
"Whose return?" demands Kylie.
The Koopatrol leader laughs. "The Usurper's reign is about to end; the true King of the Koopas shall soon return to end all of your games," he says. "We can't allow anyone to stand in the way of His Majesty's glorious advent."
No... No...! "Why can't he just leave us in peace!?" I cry, gripping Zess' shoulder.
"The Mushroom Kingdom, through the marriage of Elder Princess Apricot to the late King Daibara, is a part of the Ninth Koopa Kingdom," says the lead Koopatrol. "Thus, we-the soldiers of the true Eighth Koopa Kingdom-lay rightful claim to our territory."
"We drove you out before," says my brother, "and we shall do so again."
"You and what army, old Toad?" scoffs the Koopatrol leader. "There are many more to come after my regiment, and as you know, our king is far stronger than the Usurper."
"Excuse me," asks Kylie sharply, "but who exactly is 'the Usurper'?"
"The one that the Toads call 'Bowser di Kainazzo'," says the lead Koopatrol, "who falsely claims to be kuppa daimaoh."
"Bowser's not the real King of the Koopas?" wonders Kylie.
"Don't believe that hogwash," snorts Zess, grabbing my special Frying Pan and bonking the lead Koopatrol on the head to knock him out.
"Why...?" I ask.
"His Majesty Daibara would have wanted it this way," says Zess gravely, handing me my Frying Pan.
Kylie stares at us.
I sigh. "You may be in for a bit of exposition, dear," I say to Kylie.
Kylie turns off the camera, then activates a voice recording function. "I'm ready," she grins.
Scene: 8
General Nokosaburo scowls at Kameko. "Treasonous witch," he hisses under his breath.
To be fair, I can't really blame her. From all of the intelligence I was able to gather from our plants in Bowser's Troop-before they joined Bowser's forces for real and stopped reporting in-they all have more fun than we do.
I think everyone outside the painting still thinks the Viscountess, the Koopa Emperor's daughter, is alive. But she's gone. Her game was ended forever...by His Majesty.
I find it hard to believe that Bowser himself is alive; Kameko must have deluded herself along with Fang. That has to be it.
Except...those kids out there, the ones whose Cake I had poisoned, are all fighting so hard: with hope as bright as...
It doesn't make any sense. Those boys with the bandanas, especially, along with their father, that Koopa in white Noko Soldier armor. I think that the Usurper calls them the Terrapin Corps. All five of them remind me of that crazy soldier from the Ninth Kingdom, Major Noko.
And then there's that fellow from Hanahana Village, Nokotaro: the boy with the bandage on his beak. He looks a lot like...the General! That boy's from the General's family. I wonder if the General realizes that he'll be fighting his own...great-grandson, the way I figure it, considering that his grandson Nokokichi was only a kowappa when...we had to punish Troop F1's failure in the operation.
"Do you think that this is ended?" declares Kameko to His Majesty. She's so deluded; she's mad. "Even if you somehow manage to best our elite task force, there are many more. We have dealt with worse than you!"
"Is that so, kamekku?" chuckles His Majesty. "You spellcasters are so easily intimidated."
"The Koopas of the Mushroom World will never submit to your rule," says Kameko. "To them, Bowser is the King of the Koopas: as it should be."
"Let all of these elite task forces come to me," says His Majesty. "They shall share the same fate as Giuseppe di Escara della Rubicante here," he continues, nodding to the crucified skeleton of Joe di Milon above the throne, "and his delicious wife, Fiona: she was very tender and succulent."
"All you have done, fool, is seal your fate!" shrieks Kameko. "When the Mario Brothers learn that it was you who killed their parents, nothing will save you from their wrath. Don't you know that Mario is known as the Executioner from Hell?"
His Majesty snorts at this, glancing at the skeleton of Joe. Joe was such a nice man, and a great jumper, too...
"And rightly so: as Mario and his brother are the scions of both Marco della Rubicante and Lodovico di Escara, a pair of ruthless men whose houses warred against each other for 2500 years! You are no match for them, for they are both Star Children-the same as Princess Peach and King Bowser."
"Enough!" thunders the General. "No one cares about your Star Children nonsense."
"King Bowser is protected by the star Cagnazzo, the Drowned King," says Kameko.
None of that silly Luma stuff matters. What are stars, anyway?
What is hope, that makes people so deluded?
Scene: 9
That Zess has a lot of pep.
"Stompy, his even clumsier brother, Her Highness, and His Majesty King Blowtorch trashed my kitchen after ordering some dishes," is what she said, and I'm totally quoting her when I write this story...
...which is probably the biggest scoop since the Shroob Invasion.
So it's fitting that I'm here at the Pipe House, right near Bowser's Keep. I think that Joe grew up here with his dad, Salvatore.
And Joe apparently ended his game in that painting world inside the Keep-so close to his childhood home-trying to do the same thing that those brave Koopa souls are now doing. Fighting to bring about...
...the End of a Tyrant. Now that's a headline!
Still, better see if I have the facts so far first:
One: the Princess is not in another castle, or kidnapped in any way. She authorized this mission, and has taken the Mario Brothers and Bowser on a treasure hunt...likely to distract the three of them from trying to take on Bowser's father.
Two: Bowser Junior is the one who logged in that unsolved Trouble the Robbos were so secretive about, through the Koopa Brothers.
Three: This Joint Operations Initiative is the big secret behind the massive POW Block shortage at all of the shops in the Mushroom World.
Thus, a secret mission to destroy a hated tyrant has been attempted once more: by a brave Koopa task force, appointed by Princess Peach and Bowser Junior, to succeed where even the Mario Brothers' own father-a legend in his own right-failed.
But, in order to confirm this, I head to Bowser's Keep; luckily, my grandmother's old Noko Soldier armor is pretty close to the Terrapin Corps' armor.
About two and a half hours later, I'm inside; so far, so good. The Crisis Room is likely...past this pit of lava. Of course. Textbook Bowser level design.
"Hey, little lady," grins a bright green Hammer Brother.
"And...who the heck are you?" I balk.
"I'm Dr. Topper," says this creepy guy, "and if you can solve a riddle, I'll lead you to the Crisis Room."
"Wait!" I counter. "How do you-?"
"Let's get started, shall we?" says Dr. Topper; a Coin block appears above their heads. "This one's simple."
I briefly study some info on my Mailbox DS, then shut the device. "Fine," I snort. "I accept your stupid puzzle challenge."
Sure enough, I beat Dr. Topper's inane puzzle by sticking him with the twenty-first Coin.
Dr. Topper scowls at my Mailbox DS. "You looked up this puzzle on a walkthrough on GameFAQs, didn't you?" he fumes.
"Nope," I smirk, smug. "RPG Classics."
"I can't honor cheating, you know," says Dr. Topper. "Maybe you could just let Dr. T take you on a date."
I'm so close to chucking this moron into the lava.
"Topper!" demands Ludwig von Koopa. "Leave that Terrapin alone. I need her in the Crisis Room."
"Y-yes, Your Highness," says Dr. Topper, finally backing off.
Ludwig is clearly my knight in shining blue Koopa shell today. I salute, then follow Ludwig silently into the Crisis Room...
...where Kamek, Kamella, and ten Koopa Royals are all in the same room.
Wendy approaches me, looking me over with a hard look in her eyes.
One of the female Koopa Royals slaps her forehead. "Why is this Terrapin whistling a song from that old DIC Super Mario World cartoon?" she asks.
"To be fair," says Ludwig, grinning at Wendy, "'Kootie Pie-ra' is a very catchy song."
"Yes," snorts the female, turning to Kamella, "but that means this is an intruder, not a real Terrapin. Are we this lax with security?"
Ludwig rolls his eyes.
Roy chuckles. "To be fair, honey," he says, "this just saves us the trouble of trying to kidnap her."
Wendy seethes at me, then stomps the ground hard...knocking me back on my shell.
"Oh, come on!" I spit. "You've got me in your clutches already! What was that for!?"
"Spite," says Wendy. "How dare a commoner like you have such a pretty pink shell?"
"I see. I was going to interview the seven of you as part of this big story I'm working on," I say as I try to struggle to my feet, "as no one has heard from the 'Koopalings' up until Cackletta's attempt to steal the Beanstar, but now I wonder if any of you are worth interviewing."
"Come off it, Kylie," sneers Roy. "You know damned well that you have to interview us to get all of the facts."
"Indeed," adds Ludwig. "Your beak for news has reached us through our sources."
"You're going to hurt the mission," continues Junior. I stare at him, of course, because he looks so much like Bowser did when he was a baby.
"You're definitely intrepid reporter Kylie Koopa," says Ludwig, a confident smirk on his face. "Your reactions to our Crown Prince's appearance clinch the matter."
"The fact that except for the difference in bandannas, that Junior here could be your father's clone," I scoff, "makes me wonder if you seven are even Bowser's real kids."
"We're real enough, ma'am," fumes Morton.
I leap up, regaining my footing. "That's why the baby sibling is the crown prince of the Koopa Kingdom."
"Kylie," says Ludwig, shaking his head, "that won't faze us. Bowser Junior is the heir to our father's throne, which, incidentally, has not been usurped."
"In fact," adds the third female Koopa Royal quietly, "Bowser's father was properly deposed in accordance with Koopa Imperial law."
"Yeah," adds the second female Koopa Royal. "Much like our late fathers, Bowser's pop was ruled by then-Prince Bowser as unfit to rule, and he was challenged. Bowser won the challenge and sealed his pop inside a painting."
I stare at the two other female Koopa Royals.
"Allow me to explain," says Kamella, introducing herself. "Upon the command of Her Highness of the former Fifth Koopa Kingdom," she continues, nodding to the second female Koopa Royal, "I sent Karudi-Dr. Topper-and another Hammer Brother, Mr. Hammer to Bowser's Keep during the Smithy Invasion to probe the Eighth Koopa Kingdom's defenses."
"And you saw Bowser's deranged concepts of level design and fell in love?" I wonder aloud.
"Yep," grins the second female Koopa Royal, pecking Roy on the cheek. "It became obvious that if Bowser was barely prepared to fend off Smithy and had to rely on one of those plumbers to reclaim the Keep, then the other Koopa Kingdoms were basically stuck on their backs. That, and I adore Roy. His sunglasses are cool, and his grasp of castle design is superb."
"So at some point, you and this other female Koopa Royal sold out your respective fathers," says Kylie.
"Listen, commoner!" spits Wendy. "These other seven kingdoms were all too busy fighting each other to bother supporting Daddy's goals-for the same stupid reasons as Granddaddy."
"To unite the eight kingdoms into a single Koopa Kingdom," I state flatly, "and then seize the Imperial throne."
"You were talking to Luigi, weren't you?" pouts Wendy, blushing.
"He did have a great deal to say about being tricked into conquering the other Koopa Kingdoms," I grin, "with very colorful, zesty Italian words not rated E for Everyone."
"He'll get over it," scoffs Roy. "Those guys would have attacked the Mushroom Kingdom eventually-for the same reason Old Gramps did."
"Peaches," sneers Wendy, "is Daibara's daughter, and essentially, she's the queen of the Ninth Koopa Kingdom. That's one of the reasons Daddy wants to marry her."
"So yeah: Pop's goals are no different than the other Koopa kings with regard to taking control of the Koopa Empire," shrugs Roy. "But our Pop's still the best one suited to rule."
"Our father has a grand vision that is no less than ruling the whole of the Mushroom World," says Ludwig.
"And sometimes the universe," I snort.
"What's wrong with dreaming big?" asks Larry.
"My papa's gonna win!" says Junior, determination in his eyes.
"And we'll be happy to discuss this matter in that interview you've wanted," says Ludwig.
"I'm sure you want all of the juicy details of our annexations-which happened over the course of several years during our 'hiatus'," adds Wendy.
Damn it; these royal brats are right-I really do want that interview. "It's true," I admit to the elder seven Koopalings. "People rarely hear anything out of you these days."
"We'll do all of that after the mission is over," says Roy, "so we have to insist on your silence until the mission is accomplished."
"Fair enough," I say.
"Splendid," says Ludwig as several Terrapins appear. "We're so glad that you've agreed to be our honored guest."
Oh, no: the 'you are our prisoner' look is in Ludwig's eyes. I'm getting the heck out of here. "Since you've answered all of my questions, and I've agreed to stay mum until you give the all-clear to publish," I say as I try to make my exit, "there's no need for me to impose on your hospitality."
"Don't trifle with us," says Ludwig coldly. "Seize her!"
The Terrapins duly obey, haling me off to a dungeon.
It could be worse, I guess. I could be on a date with Dr. Topper.
END OF CHAPTER
AN: This whole chapter is devoted to the efforts of an intrepid Koopa reporter: Kylie Koopa, to uncover the secret mission that Kammy's "elite Koopa task force" are on. (Kylie: whose game (M&L: Partners in Time) I haven't played due to not owning a DS-so I may need to rely on the MARIO WIKI.)
And, I also need to apologize for the delay in this chapter. I'm working on several different fics and have RL considerations as well-which is why the biggest project, an anime crossover, won't be posted until it's done.
