I woke up from severe pain. It was still dark. I gave a quiet cry trying to make myself comfortable but it hurt too much just to ignore it. I felt Dean's heavy body next to me. He hadn't left and that made me smile. I looked at the clock. It was four in the morning. I managed to get out of the bed without collapsing in pain. I saw glass of water and some painkillers on my bedside table. I looked back at Dean, it was his doing. He looked so peaceful in his sleep, so beautiful and handsome that it hurt me. He really took care of me. I took the painkillers and got back in bed. He was wonderful man and I was lucky to know him. I had to give my best and restore our friendship. He was my friend too and I missed him. We were on our edges for far too long. With that thought I drifted off.
Next time I woke up I saw sunshine coming through the window. It was still early – maybe six or seven in the morning. Dean was sleeping next to me. I felt my hip aching and rolled my eyes. If I could only put my hands on that bloody hellhound and its master… I took another painkiller and got up. I found clean shirt and put on jean shorts – I couldn't bear the thigh denims around my wounded leg right now. I started brushing my hair when I heard Dean murmuring something. I looked at him closely – he was still asleep. He jerked in the bed and then I realized he was having a bad dream. Dean tossed his head left and right and continued muttering. For first time I heard fear in his voice. I quickly put aside my hair brush and hobbled to the bed. Sam had told me the nightmare's started after Dean got back from Hell. They both had a serious conversation and Sam and I thought that after that the bad dreams left his big brother alone, but obviously we were wrong.
"Dean" I said grabbing his shoulders but he continued talking in his sleep "Dean, wake up!"
He looked troubled and scared. I wasn't used to this side of him and my heart ached. He cried in his sleep so I shook him harder. He was heavy and it wasn't easy to make him feel a thing.
"Wake up, damn you!" I shouted ready to smack him in the face only to awaken him "Dean!"
He opened his eyes in shock. I could see his pain and confusion.
"Dean" I said softly, looking him with worry
He sat in the bed and rubbed his face trying to hide his feelings. I sighed and took away his hands, placing my palm on his cheek.
"It's okay. Everyone has nightmares" I tried to comfort him "You don't have to hide yourself from me" I put a gentle kiss on his cheek and hugged him.
His body relaxed in a second and he hugged me back, his hand on my back. I felt a gentle kiss on my temple and I smiled. Then I froze. What the hell was I doing? I wasn't supposed to do that. My emotions were racing through my mind, making me more confused than I already was.
"I'm gonna make breakfast" I said awkwardly and rushed limping out of the room, my heart bouncing in my chest.
I decided to make pancakes. They had to be at least twenty. At least. This time I wasn't in a mood to look after Sam's rabbit-food diet so he was going to eat what I had prepared or I was going to strangle him. I switched the TV and took the eggs and the milk out of the fridge. I started humming to myself while hobbling around the kitchen preparing breakfast.
I tried to keep my mind away from Dean. I was too confused. First he made me believe I meant something for him, he slept with me. After that he started behaving as if my only existence was a tragic accident. Then he cared for me as if I was a little child which softened me and made me forget how angry and hurt I was so I asked him to stay with me. And then I comforted him after a bad dream. And he gave me an innocent kiss as if I was his sister. I hissed. This man made me crazy. I wanted to kill him. And I was eager for his touch and kisses. I cursed under my nose and took the pan.
"Morning" Bobby smiled at me, looking me from the threshold
"Morning. I'll be ready in twenty" I winked at him and moved carefully to the cooker.
"Fine, call me." and he went to the living room with a thick book in his hand – he was doing a research again
Five minutes later Sam showed up and gave me a huge bear hug.
"Nice to see you on your feet" he smiled at me letting me down
"I'm tough girl, I'll survive"
Sam gave me a puppy eye look and a smile. He was feeling sorry for me and I knew why – Dean.
"Don't look at me like that!" I said and went back to my cooking
"Like what?" he frowned
"Like I'm a rain dog"
"What? No. I…"
"Save it, Sam" I said quietly "Better check on Bobby or soon we'll have to buy him monocle or two"
He laughed and left the room. Bobby really was giving himself a hard time with all the researches and I was concerned about his sight. In that moment the TV caught my attention and I looked at the news report. There was a warning about a dangerous man, a witness and a possible suspect of a strange sequence of murders in Apple Valley, Minnesota. It was a possible case. Then they gave a picture of the man from a surveillance camera. The plate I was holding slipped from my numb fingers and crashed noisily on the floor. Memories were flooding my mind, emotions long forgotten. Dad. Black eyes. Pain. Knife. Blood. Guilt. Dad. Fire.
"Blake?" I heard Sam from the next room "You okay?"
"Yeah" I managed to answer, than I quietly choked
All of a sudden my lungs were out – taken away. I grabbed the table's edge trying to stay on my feet. I was taking shallow breaths, but there was not enough air. I was having a panic attack – one I didn't have since my dad's death. I was suffocating. I started freaking out. Panic was tearing me down. I fell on the floor, distant pain from my leg hitting the ground. My heart was bumping in my ears as I tried to get up and calm the fuck down. I needed air. Shit. I couldn't breathe.
In that moment Dean came in the kitchen. He froze for a second then calling me ran to me. He took me in his arms, cupping my face.
"Breathe!" he ordered me, his voice gruff and worried "Breathe!"
My fingers clenched around his hands while I was trying to focus myself on opening my lungs and breathing. It wasn't working. My vision blurred, my ears were ringing.
"Breathe, damn you!" Dean shouted, shaking me "C'mon, Blake, don't you leave me! Breathe!"
I tried to focus again. Breathe in and breathe out. Breathe deep and breathe slowly. That's what my therapist taught me. I was only fifteen back then and I was having several panic attacks a day so Bobby took me to some acquaintance of his, introduced to the hunters' world, who turned out to be a shrink. She helped me then. Her lessons were helping me now.
I wasn't taking my eyes off of Dean. He was my anchor right now. Breathe in and breathe out. Breathe deep and breathe slowly. Somehow I managed to get a grip and control myself. Soon enough I could feel fresh air in my lungs again. I was breathing heavily but still shaking and feeling cold. I felt tears rolling down my cheeks. With trembling fingers I wiped them away. Dean pulled me in his solid arms for a hug.
"That's right" he whispered, relieve in his voice "Calm down and breathe. And don't freak me out like that ever again!"
"It's easier to say…" I muttered catching my breath, relaxing my body
Just now I saw Bobby and Sam on the door, looking at me, and worry all over their faces.
"Panic attack?" Bobby asked and I nodded "I thought you were done with that, kiddo."
"Believe me, so did I" I cleaned my throat, at least I stopped shaking
I smelled something strange.
"Damn it! I burned the pancakes" I tried to jump but my hip disagreed with me and I hissed in pain landing back on Dean's lap
Sam, however, was faster than me and took the pan off the cooker. Bobby opened the window.
"Once to leave you cook on your own and you try to set my house on fire!" he mocked at me
"Yeah, right, Grandpa!" I snarled "Because I'm eager to see my home on fire again" I pushed away Dean's hands and stood up ignoring the sharp pain – I wasn't going to be able to walk normal for weeks. Damn it.
Bobby frowned. Sam and Dean looked me in concern. I ignored them all and started cleaning the shattered plate. They were all waiting for explanation but they weren't getting one. I was in pain and shock. If before I was confused, now I was in a maelstrom of messed up emotions and thoughts. Soon enough Bobby got angry with me and growled:
"What the hell happened? You haven't got panic attacks for years. Since you…" his voice fell silent
"C'mon, say it!" I barked "Since I killed my father"
"I was gonna say since few months after your father died, but if it sounds better for you that way…"
There was an awkward silence. I had confessed to Sam about most of my past so it wasn't big news for him. Still they all looked me in shock for my harsh words on myself.
"Are you ok?" Dean asked and his green eyes fixed me with concern I didn't need
"No" I said and sighed "But I will be when I check that out."
"Blake" Sam soft voice made me take a deep breath "What happened?"
"The news" I explained quickly "I saw Dad. He's alive"
"What?" Bobby grumbled "He's dead. We burned the whole house with him in it, remember?!"
"Are you sure?" Sam put his hand on my shoulder, trying to comfort me "You could've mistaken"
"I know what I saw!" I snapped and I threw the remains of the plate in the garbage
"Blake…"
But I wasn't listening anymore. I knew what I saw. It was him. His face I could never forget. There was no mistake – he was alive. And I knew exactly what to do. I headed to the door.
"Where the hell are you going?" Bobby shouted after me so I stopped and turned to see three pairs of eyes watching me in worry.
"I'll need those keys, Bobby" I said quietly; the keys from my dad's rented storage – place I never set my foot in. It was about time for me to change that. It was not a coincidence that the murders happened in the same town my dad had a storage place in.
"How can you be so sure?" Bobby asked me
"He's in my nightmares every night" I smiled bitterly "How can I not be sure?"
"Fine" he sighed "And I'll have checked every second of that reporting. We need to know for sure"
"I don't need any other proof, Grandpa" I said firmly "I'm going."
I rushed out as quickly as my hurt leg allowed me and went on packing. Five minutes later I was on the outside door when Sam stopped me.
"Where are you actually going?" he was concerned "I worry about you"
"I'll be fine, promise" I smiled and put a kiss on his cheek "Where's Bobby? I need the keys"
I looked around and found him in front of my Mustang scowling at me.
"C'mon, Grandpa" I smiled at him "don't be grumpy and give me the keys. I gotta run."
I heard the Impala roaring near and saw Dean, lowering his side window
"Hop in, Warrior Princess" he smirked at me
"Hell no, Winchester" I turned to Bobby "Just give me the bloody keys so I can go"
"You're not going alone, Blake" Dean said from his seat in the car
"Yes, I am. That's personal and none of your fucking…"
"You can barely walk" Dean interrupted me "You can't convince me you'll survive to drive to wherever we're going"
"I drove to here in much worse condition" I growled, I didn't want him around me to distract me
"C'mon, Blake" Sam intervened putting his bag in the trunk "You need help for this one. As you said, it's personal and it might cloud your judgment."
"Thanks a lot for your believe in me!" I snarled angrily
"Plus" Sam continued ignoring my comment "You really can't drive in that condition. I won't let you. So, please stop being drama queen and let us help you"
"Drama queen!?" I was going to kill them all
"And guess what I got?" Dean smiled at me and showed me his hand – he was holding the keys
"I don't believe it!" I turned to Bobby "You gave them to him!?"
"Stop whining and get in the fucking car!" was Bobby's response
"Unbelievable!" I hissed in rage and I threw my bag at Sam who even taken by surprise managed to catch it and put it in the trunk "One can't have personal life here!" I said and sat on the back seat putting my backpack next to me "I'll call you when we arrive, Grandpa"
"So" Dean turned in his seat to look at me but I refused to meet his eyes "Where are we going?"
I handed him the little sheet of paper with the written address while Sam was taking his shotgun seat. Oh, it was going to be a disastrous trip.
