AN – Thanks for all the alerts and faves (again) for this story.

Chapter 6

May 2006

JPOV

I tossed the empty blood bag into the trash and walked out of the barn, but not before walking over to the mirrored 'Pete's Bar & Grill' sign and looking at my eyes. They were no longer golden but an orange-red color from the human blood supplementing that I was doing. I shrugged at the feline-like eyes as I shut off the lights and headed straight for the old oak tree. It was nearly dusk and once again I climbed up and settled down on the fork of the trunk before staring out into the purple sky.

It had become almost commonplace to find me here, lost in thought as I contemplated my diet choice. Since that night I went with Peter and Char to the run down neighborhood I had gone with them to study more humans, this time at a rough biker bar on the way to Galveston. The humans there were different than the ones in the first neighborhood. I watched and observed as I toyed with the bottle of beer and shot of whiskey that I ordered to keep up with appearances.

I had made my decision on my diet but I wasn't ready yet to act on it. As I specifically told my brother and sister, I would only go back to a human diet if I fed on deviants; the criminals and druggies that littered the world. I had to make sure when it came time to feed, I knew the differences and not make a mistake and feed on an innocent human. I learned the distinguishing scents of what tainted their blood before I made the commitment. I used my gift to hone in on certain emotions and ignoring others, like ripping away the layers of what was a normal drunken emotion and what were more nefarious ones. I studied and I stalked but I didn't act on it, yet.

As crazy as it might have seemed to an average vampire, these were things I felt like I needed to understand especially given how I was created and how I was used as a war machine; a weapon for both humans and vampire alike. I brushed my hand against my neck feeling the rough flesh from the scars upon scars from the numerous bites and decapitations. I was ruthless back then; I didn't give a shit about the state of the humans-men, women even children were not immune to my brutality. Blood was blood, I binged on it, bathed in it and sometimes even fucked in it.

I was wired to kill and forged for war but over the years in that camp, I didn't realize that the emotions from my kills were in fact, killing me with each pull of blood and with each metallic screech of torn vampire flesh. The weight of it all took its toll on me and I started to break. I became despondent, an empty shell of a being. I never got to the point where I would have hurtled myself into a raging pyre but I had moments where I'd ponder how it would feel to be torn apart and burned. I was fuckin' thankful that Peter and Char came back and got me out of that place soon after. I shuddered as I thought back to how those errant thoughts of being destroyed became more and more welcomed.

In my early days after escaping Maria's army, I learned to be more discreet. Instead of just tearing up a throat and drinking like a man who just stepped out of the desert, I pulled my prey into darkened alleyways or abandoned buildings. I learned to slowly function by straddling the line between the vampire world and the human one. The difference was though, back then, I just nabbed and fed. Once again, the emotions from innocent humans began to take its toll and I was weighed down by my shame and guilt.

I guess one could say I was lucky to have been in Philadelphia when I was and was found by the pixie. She showed me a new way of life and even now, as a soft wind blew across the leaves of the oak tree that I was sitting in, I was thankful for having been given the opportunity to heal from the emotional turmoil I had been through. I just wished that they had understood me more; gotten to know who I was, and not based their opinions on a child's interpretation or a vision of a supposed future.

Peter was absolutely right in that they never took that chance to understand me. Instead, I always felt a little fear and disgust as they saw my scars and if I looked intensely at a human or stared too long, I was dragged away or hissed at because once again, "Fuckin' Jasper was going to ravage a human in plain sight"or "go savage and murder a damn town." I shook my head as that attitude over the decades became more and more commonplace. It was uncomfortable, to say the least, always having to feel like I had to defend each and every one of my actions even when it was unwarranted. The decades of their distrust and guilt made me doubt myself. It made me feel as though I was nothing more than a monster, a deviant or a small child. I raked my fingers through my hair as I tried to calm myself from thinking of the Cullens. Yes, they gave me a new outlook on life and for that, I'll always be fuckin' grateful for them. That helped me heal from the pain and suffering I had been through but it wasn't enough.

I knew deep down, that the way they viewed me didn't necessarily equate to who I was. I knew it, but my confidence was shot and there were moments when I wasn't sure if I could gain it back. That is, until I got here.

I have been here a month and my brother and sister have been very supportive. More than supportive. They told me not just by words but by their emotions that they accepted me. Me, Jasper Whitlock. It didn't matter to them if I was an animal drinker or a human one, I was first and foremost their brother. I was family. If I fucked something up, I know they'll tell me and we'd move on. I wasn't looked at as a kid, I was an adult; all of us were and that was one of the biggest things I realized being out here.

I took a deep breath and jumped down from the tree. All that reflecting made me restless and I knew a bike ride would help calm me down and recenter my thoughts. I loved the feel of the open road and the way the bike tilted as I hugged the curves at high speed, it relaxed me and I needed to get my mind off of my present angst. I walked over to the garage and threw on my jacket and my helmet. I sent a quick text to Peter letting him know that I was going out for a bit and then started the engine, racing out towards a winding road.

I drove for a while, not really paying attention to where I was going. I just felt the wind whistling past and the feel of the pavement as I rode for miles. I was still trying to figure out the nuances of an impending diet change when I realized I had ridden my bike into a fairly large town. There were a few bars the next street over and it was a wild night from the sounds I could hear. I parked on a side street and shut off the engine before taking my helmet off. As I got off the bike, I briefly debated whether or not I was ready to survey humans on my own but in the end I had to believe in myself. I couldn't rely on my brother and sister to babysit me, they had their own lives to enjoy. No way was I gonna be a damn burden to them. Besides, I needed to prove to myself that I was in control.

I walked past a couple bars before finally going into one that felt like the rowdiest, emotion-wise. When I got inside, I was not disappointed. The dim lights hid my funny colored eyes and my paler than normal skin from the humans. Since it was a cool spring night, I had a long sleeve tee on that hid my scars from view but as I discovered the last time I was at a bar, patrons usually didn't pay much attention as they were often distracted by alcohol. I looked around to see a band playing, beers were flowing freely and people were having a great time. It was perfect to study and observe. I walked up to the bar and sat down on a stool. The bartender came up to me and I ordered a bourbon, neat. Once I had the glass in my hand, I turned away so I faced the crowd and started to take in the atmosphere. There were drunk girls makin' out on the dance floor and they captured the attention of some college age boys who were wolf whistlin' at them. Over by the stage, there were people singing along to a pretty good cover of Lynyrd Skynyrd's 'Freebird.'

The place was an assortment of emotions: happiness, euphoria, lust, camaraderie, fear, and raging anger...

Whoa, back up. What was that?

I scanned the room to zeroed-in on where the anger was coming from and over in a dark corner, nearly hidden by the band equipment, a man roughly grabbed a petite woman with one hand and then with his other, backhanded her in the face before spitting and cursing at her. I slowly got out of my seat and slapped a twenty onto the counter. I grabbed my drink, enjoying the vanilla and clove aroma and wishing I could actually drink it without feeling sick afterwards. I walked slowly towards the couple and felt the woman's utter fear as the man grabbed her by the hair and dragged her outside, slapping her a couple more times before the back door shut.

Fuck, I wanted to do something about it, the man's emotions were wild and sinister but it was her fear that shook me. The man was beyond pissed off but he was also pouring out a heavy dose of lust and possessiveness as he continued to smack his companion.

Come on Whitlock, believe in yourself.

I took one more sniff of my drink before I set the bourbon down on an empty table and headed out the front door. I walked at a human pace until I got to the end of the street and then ghosted around to the alley when I realized the coast was clear. The man had the woman against the wall and he was full of deadly intent; she was nothing more than his prey. I hid in the shadows as I slinked quietly towards my target. My eyes darkened as I continued to watch and observe the monster in front of me. His hand was around her throat and the other was pawing at her roughly, causing her shirt to rip. She was having a hard time breathing and was slowly losing consciousness. The sound of his taunts reached my ears; he was telling her how she was going to enjoy everything he was going to give to her. She had a few bruises on her face and what looked like a knot on her head. His lust spiked as her head lolled and I could see her eyes fluttering as she choked out a plea for him to let her go. I watched as he raised his hand back to strike her once more. The young woman fainted just as the man curled his fingers into a fist. I moved quickly and grabbed his hand, pulling back the fist and pinning it roughly onto the man's back.

My quick movement startled him and he dropped the woman, letting her unconscious figure slump against the wall. I moved him away from her and pushed him hard against the wall causing the side of his face to bleed from the impact of the concrete façade. A growl built up in my chest as the man's exposed blood wafted in the air. Spinning him around, I grabbed him by two fistfuls of his shirt as I pushed him hard against the wall again. The man's eyes glazed over momentarily and fear started to pour out of his body as he realized he was in danger; the predator had become prey himself. My eyes were black by now and my growl was even louder as I took a step closer.

The man, even though he was frightened, he was still pissed off that I had interrupted his fun. His arm flexed as he went to grab something out of his jeans pocket but before he could reach it, I yanked his arm roughly hearing the pop as his arm dislocated. A growl of pain escaped his mouth before he clamped his jaw shut and his fear escalated. I grabbed a handful of his greasy hair and jerked his head back exposing his carotid artery and causing the man to yelp out.

I ran my nose along his neck sniffing the freshly oxygenated blood that ran strong through that vessel.

A-positive blood, one of my favorite flavors.

The venom pooled in my mouth and without a second thought, I bit down.

Oh fuck... bliss.

My eyes rolled to the back of my head as the warm, rich, velvety liquid flooded my mouth and coated my throat. If I could have cried I would have; it was everything I craved for and remembered. There was no plastic taste from the blood bags but there was something in his blood; crack cocaine, but it didn't matter, it was human blood from the tap and it was delicious. I continued to send my fear to the man, sweetening the elixir as I took in pull after pull. I drank greedily and squeezed his ribcage like a damn juice box. I wanted to make sure I got every last drop. I was breathing heavily when I finished, finally letting him drop to the ground.

I looked around to find a dumpster and carried the man over. I fished around for his ID and noted the name as I scattered his belongings about. The man also had a switchblade which I guess was what he had been trying to get when I pulled his arm away. I opened it and used the mirrored finish to check if I had spilled some of my dinner before using the knife to cut into his neck so that he looked like a mugging that had gone awry. I threw him unceremoniously into the dumpster and set it on fire before going back to the young woman. I took her purse and tossed it carelessly towards the dumpster so that it looked like a mugger did it in haste. I checked her pulse and it was faint. She didn't seem to have a neck injury so I carefully lifted her up and carried her away from vicinity of the burning metal box and back towards the bar, avoiding the bright street light's glare. When I got to a nearby bouncer, I sent him a dose of concern and he came running up to me as he saw the unconscious woman in my arms.

As I stood in the shadow of a building, I explained that I had found her unconscious near the alleyway but couldn't find any identification with her. He noted the bruises and thought she might have been mugged. The bouncer thanked me and informed me that he was an EMT who only moonlighted at the bar on his nights off. He assured me that he would take care of her and made sure she was checked over.

I thanked him for his help and gave him a name and number of one of the bar patrons I had overheard earlier in the evening. I walked away and headed back to my bike. As I walked, I thought back to the emotions to make damn sure I wasn't subjecting myself to my own personal hell for my decision tonight. I saved a human's life and it felt good. I didn't feel guilty for feeding on that would-be rapist at all, nor did I feel like I was going to lose my control at any time and destroy the entire night club district. No, I felt in control tonight, even that demon that I kept hidden in the deep, dark recesses in my mind wasn't out of control. He had praised me as I unlocked his cage the moment I stepped into the alleyway. He recognized what was to be our meal and although he didn't come out of his cage door and let loose, I knew he was watching me as I took in our human meal and fed. Afterwards, it almost felt like he patted my shoulder as I dropped the man and created a crime scene for after. I was damn proud of myself for tonight. Being on the human diet would help with my control and would make my ability even stronger and that would only help me in the long run, especially once I was nearly ready to head back to Forks. I rubbed my chest, feeling that dull ache and knew I was closer to my goal.

Soon Isabella.

I checked out at my eyes on the bike mirror before I flipped down the helmet visor seeing more of the crimson in my eyes and smiled. As I started the motor and headed back to the farm, I breathed a sigh of relief that finally, Jasper Whitlock felt alive and free.

NOTES: Hope you enjoyed that chapter.

I had someone ask that I post all my chapters once again here. Honestly, I don't have the bandwidth because I'm looking at 40 chapters at the moment. It will take time. I have a full time job and cannot spend my day uploading. Nor do I have the patience.

I will try to upload the story more frequently. ~ sushi