I want to really apologise for not updating in literally years. Hopefully I'll get some more chapters out over the next few months lol. Also I've been really embarassed reading the other chapters, they're pretty bad (not that this one is any better), so hopefully I'll get some time to rewrite them!

Thanks for reading!


"I'm gonna work for my sanity, give it everything I got"

Time Forgot – Conor Oberst

Time is a hard concept to grasp. I have always been told that it is concrete.

Sixty seconds in a minute. Sixty minutes in an hour. Twenty-four hours in a day. Seven days in a week. Four weeks in a month. Twelve months in a year.

So, it's hard for me understand why I can wake up and feel like I've slept for months upon months when it has really only been a few hours. Or why, when I reach and beg for it to stop, it just moves faster and faster, evading me and leaving me helpless in its wake.

It is 4:00am. I have been sitting in my temporary bedroom at Remus's – and I suppose my - home for two hours. It feels like it's been ten minutes. It's almost like the clock is taunting me. I watch it laugh and ridicule me as it ticks and ticks and ticks. It is only a clock, a small shitty plastic muggle one at that, but its power is undeniable. It's hard to believe such a small fragile thing can hold so much power. The tick-tick-ticking is burning a hole in my ear and maybe even my soul and I, Harry Potter –apparently one of the most powerful men in the Wizarding world, am powerless to stop it.

I have lived in this house for three weeks and there have been many things I have learnt. Wizard homes don't have to be violent and loud, they can be peaceful and quiet and pleasant, you sleep a lot better when you have someone to tuck you in and wish you a good sleep, and Remus Lupi wakes up at 6:30 every morning. His routine is very simple. He showers. He makes his breakfast, usually cereal. He does light household chores and then sits and reads while he waits for me to wake up.

When I first moved in I hadn't really noticed it, mostly because it was so simple. But over time I began to notice how religiously he followed this routine. I was almost enviable in a way. I had always struggled to find any sort of order in my life and Remus seemed to find his easily.

I wonder how much his routine has changed since I have moved it. I suppose it was louder, probably more careless, but then again maybe not. Remus has always been quiet and there has always been something about him that is so soothing and comforting. There's always been a kind of safety to him and maybe that's why I'm so drawn to him. I've always craved safety in people.

4:06

How can time just disappear?

I try to ground myself by thinking. I think of the face Remus will make when he talks to me and asks me why I did it. I imagine his disappointment when I can only shrug in response. I feel guilty, of course I do, but I have no idea how else I can respond. What can I say? How can I ever be honest and tell him some of the fucked up shit that goes on in mind? I can't even admit it to myself half of the time.

No one understands. And I don't mean this is an 'angsty teen wizard' kind of way. The truth is, no one does understand, even I don't, and it's useless to expect anyone to be able to. My brain is a violent body of chaotic fluid that fails to reach any kind of end. Instead, it runs in circles, crashing and breaking anything in its way. Why I would to inflict that kind of torment on anybody else?

One day I had a dream that there was black blood inside of me and since then the idea has ravaged me. I know it's there but I don't know how to prove it, not even to myself. I've read hundreds of Muggle health books that all say the same thing. My blood isn't black. Nobody's blood is black. It isn't possible for blood to be black.

But mine is.

I can feel it. I can feel the hateful colour swirling in me, crashing through my veins like ocean waves against rock. I can feel it reaching and tainting everything that was once good inside of me and I cut and I cut and I cut to get it out. But all that comes out is red, healthy blood, the good parts of me. How do I get the bad out without destroying myself in the process? In certain lights I can even see it, it casts a tint over me and when I look in a mirror my whole body looks like its rotting. If Remus knew this his ward was convinced that he had black blood filling up his veins he would ship me of to St. Mungo's right then and there.

And maybe, that's not even such a bad idea.


The conversation happens at exactly 9:32am.

I have not left the room but I have prepared. In the confinements of my room I have washed and changed the best way I possibly can. I am wearing muggle jeans, not an old pair of Dudley's but a new, semi-expensive pair that Remus had bought for me upon moving in. Remus had actually bought me a lot of new clothing. Wearing some of these things now causes a surge of shame to rush through me. How could I be so ungrateful? Remus has offered up his home to me and I have thanked him with blood and anger.

His knock causes me to jump slightly but I quickly resolve myself. Of course, I have been expecting him all morning. He was a little later than I thought he would be and this has added to my nervousness surrounding the situation. Not that it's surprising. I wouldn't expect anyone to be calm for something like this.

"Harry, are you awake?" I hear through the door. His voice is slightly muffled but the words are clear.

I swallow hard. "Come in." I say, although it comes out much more croaky and faint then I would have liked.

The door begins to open and this is when my anxiety chooses to rear its ugly unwanted head. It rushes up inside of me and coats everything in its path. I feel it bubble and hiss as it tries to find a way out from inside of me but it has nowhere to go so it stays and silently attacks me. It makes me feel like throwing up.

"I want you to know that I love you Harry, very much so. I believe you know this, but I want to make sure." He starts as he sits beside me on the bed.

"Okay." I reply because really what else can I say.

"And I want to apologise." He continued "It was a rather stupid idea to send you to the Weasleys and I know you didn't want to go. I should have listened to your concerns more because I am fairly certain we wouldn't be in this… predicament if I had. I'm truly sorry Harry."

I look up. "Remus it's –"

He holds up his hand to quiet me. "I think you are very fragile at the moment and it is my position as your guardian to keep your best interests at heart. I didn't."

I look down. I don't know what to say.

"Now, I know you don't want to but please talk to me Harry. Tell me what was going through that head of yours." Remus says.

I sigh, knowing I can no longer keep quiet. "I don't know."

"You don't know?" He questions.

"I just lost it…" I whisper.

"I see." Remus says.

"It all happened so quickly, I was very upset and I thought it would make me feel better. I'm sorry; I don't know what else to say. I never meant to upset you."

"This isn't about me Harry. It's about you. I want to help you."

"I never meant to burden you with my problems." I say and my voice comes out far weaker than I intended.

"Harry, please look at me."

"Remus..." I stress. I really can't look at him when I feel like I'm going to fall apart at any moment.

"Please Harry."

There is a tense pause. Finally, I look up.

"You've never burdened me Harry. You've had a really hard run of things and I only want to help you. You don't have to do this by yourself."

"I've been doing this alone my entire life." I whisper and to my utter embarrassment I can hear the hurt I feel reflect in my voice.

"I know." He says. The tears come at full capacity now as I just seem to break and cave into him. He holds me very tightly and everything feels okay if only for a little moment. "But, you don't have to anymore."

And maybe I don't.