7. Chapter – Chasm
„When you're surrounded by all these people, it can be even lonelier than when you're by yourself. You can be in a huge crowd, but if you don't feel like you can trust anybody or talk to anybody, you feel like you're really alone."
(Fiona Apple)
It is strange. Hogwarts has always been a home to me and, don't get me wrong, it still is. However, this year, like everything else, the life at the castle has changed for me. Despite the danger in the form of possessed or impersonated professors, deadly beasts and ministry influence, Hogwarts has always felt safe to me. Maybe because of the magic saturated air or the magical defences left by the four founders and the past headmasters.
Or maybe because of the friends I have found behind the walls of the majestic building. Although Hermione, Ron and I often argued between ourselves, we have stuck together when the whole school ostracised me due to their suspicions of me being barmy or evil anyway. Until now.
Hogwarts still feels like one of the safest places to me but as the weeks go by I can't fail to notice the absence of my once close friends.
This summer changed me. I dare say I have fully taken of the glasses blinding my judgment. My glasses have always been less tinted than those of the other children but now, looking back, I see that even after growing up with my relatives and the run-ins with Tom Riddle I had some naiveté left which, considering everything is a true miracle.
Over the holidays I had little contact with my best friends despite the fact I spend the whole August at Nr. 12 Grimmauld Place. On my very last day at the Dursley's I received their birthday presents and then in the very end of August Pig brought me a short note from both Ron and Hermione informing me that we probably won't see each other until we arrive at school as they have their Head Girl and Prefect duties, respectively. I didn't deem this message worth an answer and spend the train ride with Neville and Luna in comfortable silence after our greetings and "How was your summer"'s.
I met the rest of the Trio when they came to announce our soon arrival at the Hogsmeade station. When they recognised me I could see the slight shock in their faces and I could already tell I was in for an interrogation.
After the welcoming feast they were both tired and apart from the general questions of "How are you?", "How was your summer?" and "How was it at headquarters'? You must have seen and learned so much..." I didn't have to answer anything else as they both retired to their dorm early.
The first week we spent mostly together, although I noticed the growing resentment and curiosity on Hermione's part and Ron's sulkiness was after two days apparent to anyone watching.
I was aware they wondered what happened to me, what changed me. Why was I suddenly so studious and less laid-back?
They joined me in the library but they kept watching me the whole time and asking about what was wrong with me at irregular intervals. It was quite disturbing and I had to hold myself back as not to laugh in their faces. What gives them the right to question me when they have forgotten all about my existence during the summer?
On the first Monday after the beginning of the school term, Spoiler brings me a letter and, even though he asks only after my well-being and the first week of school, I get sick and have to seek out the closest lavatory.
When I join my classmates in front of the charms classroom several minutes later, Hermione is the first to speak.
"Are you alright? Shouldn't you go to Madam Pomfrey?"
Before I manage to formulate a response, Ron asks: "Well, what was in the letter? What did he want?"
At the same moment professor Flitwick opens the door and I am saved from answering. Because I see the worried look on Hermione's face and because I wish to avoid her nagging I whisper: "Something didn't agree with my stomach but I am perfectly fine now."
She doesn't believe me entirely. However she can't do anything about it without causing a scene. In addition, the lesson has already started and she wouldn't voluntarily miss it. I breathe a sigh of relief and focus my attention on today's lecture about warding.
Throughout the day I witness my two friends whispering to each other which wouldn't normally worry me all that much butI know what this is about. It is time for the Spanish Inquisition.
After dinner I start to make my way towards the library but Ron and Hermione steer me into an unused classroom on the fourth floor. When we enter the dusty room Hermione waves her wand and mutters a few housecleaning charms I have often seen Mrs Weasley use. Then she wards the room to secure our privacy.
I make myself comfortable on one of the desks, waiting for the questioning to begin. No, I don't look forward to it but I seem to know my friends better than they know me and therefore I am aware of the inevitability of the coming confrontation. But I also know that they cannot truly hurt me. I am already a fallen soldier and there isn't much they could come up with to shatter the remaining pieces of me.
Yes, it would be easy to destroy me now and I myself am doing a really good job. But my friends aren't aware of the best points to press to make me break. As I have said, I have changed and I won't conform to the picture of the brave, open and slightly naive Girl-Who-Lived anymore. And though I might still be starved for human contact and affection, I am now much too disillusioned to accept any without a question.
"So, Andy, why don't you tell us what is going on?" Hermione asks and Ron nods expectantly while I think: And so it starts...
I shrug. "I am fine."
"Don't be stupid," Hermione says. "Obviously you are not fine. You have lost quite a lot of weight. You are quiet and don't play chess or Exploding Snap with the others anymore and I know you have trouble sleeping!"
It is as if I could watch the chasm between us physically expand with each question and accusation thrown at me.
Why should I answer them? Why should I need to justify myself in front of my friends?
There is a slight chance I am wrong but considering their behaviour during the past months I am convinced to be right. I don't believe they would question me if I came as thin as I am and continued to goof around with Ron and leave the homework until the last possible moment. However this is not so. Ron sulks because I don't spend so much time with him laughing at lame jokes and Hermione can't get over the fact I am better in some of our classes than her. She is supposed to be the most intelligent of us, is she not?
I keep my opinion and sarcasm to myself and wait for them to realise that they won't get any answers from me and that I won't come crawling back to them to be once again the gullible 'Golden Girl'.
And so, slowly the 'Golden Trio' falls apart. We still sit together at the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall but as the days go by we speak less and less and Hermione's presence at my table in the library is replaced by that of Luna Lovegood. To be honest, I prefer the company of the latter for with Luna there is no nagging and forcing me to be someone I am not.
My summer haunts me in my dreams and sometimes I don't only wake up covered in sweat but also bowed over a toilet. I really wish I was still having nightmares about Cedric's death and the fight in the Department of Mysteries because even those memories are better than those of him. I would even accept the visions I used to have back in my fifth year if I only could forget about the reason why I can't stand to be touched.
When the nights are particularly bed, Luna gives me a look of understanding and stays close to me. I really appreciate her silent support. Although many think Luna crazy, I have always suspected there was more to her than met the eye. And even though I can't explain it, I believe she knows what is going on with me. She doesn't say anything and stays with me despite me being unclean.
Once, I asked her why she keeps me company and all she said was: "You are not alone."
Alone.
What a word. I might not be alone but if it weren't for Luna I sure as hell would feel all alone in the world all the bloody time. Even with her I feel sometimes so lonely and alone.
They all think to know me, the Girl-Who-Lived, Ron and Hermione especially. And they all believe it is their right to know everything about me. However when it comes to it they are never really there when I need them. If they were, I wouldn't consider Snape to be kind just because he showed a tiny sliver of concern.
We haven't spoken since the first potions lesson but I can always sense his eyes on me. I have always been able to distinguish his particular examination of myself and the distinct glare thrown my way. This year I don't mind him watching because something in the way he does changed. I doubt the intensity of his gaze will ever diminish however there is less spite and hate in his eyes.
The only time I hear from my potions professor, apart from the potions lessons, is when a house elf delivers the next batch of the Nutrient Potion with a note from Snape to remind me to take a vial before every meal to my dormitory.
