Author's note: The last chapter was way too short for my liking, but I was kind of stuck. I needed to put my priorities straight and realize what I was doing. I think that my dramas in my life are closer solved and now I have the time and energy to deal with Lily's drama.

--

The more Lily tried to deny it, the more she realized it was true. Everything she ever thought was right was wrong, and everything she ever thought was wrong was right.

Lily felt as if her life was spiralling, and all because of one tiny conversation.

It had been a normal night, with Lily and James talking in the Common Room about patrols, when suddenly the conversation switched. How, Lily wasn't quite sure, but somehow it did.

"So, how's Jordan?"

"How do you know about him?"

"Well, duh Lily. You two hold hands in the hallway, kiss at meals, how can I not notice?"

"Oh." Lily paused for a moment to consider this. "He's good."

"That's good." A pause followed, before James continued. "I didn't mean to interrupt you two the other day. I hope that you were able to, um, ahem, continue what you were doing."

Lily blushed slightly. Truthfully, they hadn't done anything too bad, and she was still a virgin. "Um… yeah, we, uh, continued what we were doing. But it's nothing like that."

"Like what?"

"Like what you're thinking. We haven't gone all the way." Lily wanted to smack herself for blurting that out, but she couldn't take it back. "Sorry, you probably don't really want to hear about this."

"No, no, I actually kind of want to hear about it. I'm intrigued."

Lily raised her eyebrow questioningly but did not comment. Finally, she sighed. "I haven't had that much experience so there's not much to say."

"Well, what have you done so far?"

"Probably nothing compared to you."

"Well, first of all, I wouldn't know that if you hadn't told me, and second of all, how would you know?"

"I hear things. It's one of the perks of being a wallflower."

"You're not a wallflower."

"I am. I don't have that many friends and no one notices me."

"Yeah, but you have some pretty good few friends."

"Who are not in many of my classes. At least you have Peter, Sirius and Remus in your classes. If not, there are other people for you to talk to."

"Well, Peter's not much of a talker, and Sirius likes to talk about which girls have what knickers on. Like for example, the yesterday, we were sitting in Transfigurations and…" Suddenly a look of horror passed over his face. "Never mind. I've said too much."

"No, no, go on. I want to hear it."

"No, seriously, I can't. You'll get mad."

"I promise I won't."

"Promise?"

"Pinkie swear promise!" Noticing James's puzzled expression, she added, "It's a Muggle thing."

"Oh."

"Yeah. So go on."

"Um, well… Sirius though it would be funny to guess which knickers a certain red-head we know was wearing."

"Oh." She blushed a bit more. "What was your guess?"

James laughed. "Well, I thought that maybe it was lacy pink knickers, but Sirius was a bit racier and said a black thong."

"Well, you were both wrong."

"Were you going commando then?" A hint of a blush spread across his face.

"I bet you wish, but no. I was wearing white cotton knickers. Very comfortable you know."

"Well, I wouldn't know, but…"

Lily smacked him good-naturedly on the arm.

"So do you have a girlfriend?"

James looked up at Lily surprised. "I didn't think you would care, but yes I do."

"Who is she? Would I know her?"

James chucked. "I'm not sure if you would know her. She's a 6th year Hufflepuff. Her name is Kim Basely."

Lily thought for a moment, but shook her head. "Nope, I don't know her."

"Didn't think so."

"Anyways, what's she like?"

"Kim? Well, she's beautiful, she's smart, she's sexy. Basically, she's the best thing to have happened to me."

"Oh." Lily felt her heart break slightly in her chest, but she understood that it was a good thing. "That's good."

"Yup."

A question swirled in Lily's mind, and she couldn't help but blurt it out. "How far have you and your girlfriend gone?"

James laughed. "I guess since I asked you, its fair game." He paused for a moment, weighing his answer. "All the way."

Lily's jaw dropped slightly, but recovered herself quickly. "Oh, I should have guessed that."

"Why's that?"

Lily blushed. "Just, because... who you are, it's... well, I don't know... obvious."

"Obvious?"

"Damn it, do I really have to say it?"

"Yes."

"That you aren't a virgin. Okay, there. I said it. Did you really have to make me go through that?"

James laughed. "Yes. Because now I can see the cute shade of red you turned."

Lily's face turned even more red, but inside, she was thinking, What the hey? Doesn't he have a girlfriend? But Lily just smiled. He was a flirt, everyone knew it, and that's what was going on between them.

Or, at least that's what Lily hoped.

--

"He was flirting with you?" asked Alice, shocked. "But you said that he said he had a girlfriend."

"I know, I know!" Lily cried, shaking her head. "What does it mean?"

"It means he's not over you and he's compensating."

"Are you sure?"

"Well, he said that his girlfriend was the best thing that ever happened to him. We don't know who she is. How can we be sure that she's real?"

"Well, he's obviously not going to make up someone who goes to our school, because we can check up on his story."

Alice thought for a moment. "That's true. Did you ask him if he still liked you?"

"Why in the world would I ask him something like that?"

"I don't know! I'm curious. I'm sure you are too."

"Well, obviously. But it's not something I would go and ask him straight up," Lily told her friend, blushing slightly at the thought.

"Lily, seriously, do you even care if he likes you?"

Lily hung her head in shame. "I can't lie to you. I kind of wish he would still like me."

"What about Jordan?"

Lily's heart broke. "I know, I know. He's prefect. But, he's too perfect. I argue with him, he submits, and blames it all on himself. He wants to keep me happy, but I'm not."

"You want to argue with him?"

"No, no, that's not what I mean," Lily said, sighing. She blew her bangs out. "If he does something wrong- something like forgetting our date or insulting something I like without realizing it or whatever- he immediately assumes that by sucking up, things will be better. He thinks that if I'm mad, that buying me chocolate will make it all go away. I want him to fight back sometimes, tell me that I'm being a bitch or that I'm too worked up. I want him to get riled up and argue back. I don't want him submitting and sucking up."

"I can see the dilemma in that. So I guess what you're saying is that, in a nutshell, he loves you too much and it's annoying."

"Yes! He's always there, always ready to submit to my whim, and when I ask him what he wants, he replies with "whatever you want". It gets annoying sometimes."

Alice passed her the chocolates she had been eating.

"Thanks Alice, but I don't think chocolate can make my problems go away."

"I know, but it helps make you feel better."

Lily laughed. "True," she said, popping another chocolate into her mouth.

--

Lily invited Jordan to her room one night, trying to prove to herself that her infatuation with James was nothing more than wanting what you shouldn't have. She tried equating it to wanting the last chocolate in the container, and knowing that you shouldn't, but it was a weak comparison.

When Jordan took her in his arms, she felt slightly uncomfortable. She wanted badly to just melt into his embrace and be able to enjoy herself, but she couldn't. The red-head couldn't stop imagining a certain black-haired boy.

Was she going crazy?

Was she going to ruin the perfect relationship for a boy that she wasn't even sure wanted her?

The sensible part of Lily told her to leave it alone. If she were to ruin it with Jordan to lust after a boy that was already in a relationship and would probably not want anything to do with her, then she would be ruining her life.

The curious part of Lily wondered if he had changed. She wanted to see what he was like as a lover, as a friend, as a boyfriend. She wondered if he still loved her, if there was a chance between the two of them if he would go back to her. Most of all, Lily wondered if he would give her what she craved... the aggressiveness, the passion, the intensity of a relationship, of feeling wanted. But she also wanted someone who would stand up to her, argue with her, love her and make her feel on top of the world.

Lily felt some of that with Jordan, felt loved and desired. But it wasn't enough. There was barely any sparks. Jordan was too safe. He didn't know how to let go and just let things come as they may. He was calculating and he was controlling.

And the more Lily thought about it, the more she realised she craved danger and the unknown, and Jordan wasn't either of those.

It suddenly hit her: she was bored with Jordan and craved adventure.

James Potter was the adventure she craved, and there was nothing she could do to stop that.

--

Author's note: Reviews are nice... so send them please... they help me write.