Sorry for the delay in updating. Hope you enjoy this!
It's been a week since Amanda's funeral. Things at work have been hectic. I've been doing twice my normal load, taking over Casey's cases in addition to my executive ADA duties. I've pulling some pretty late nights and by the time I get home, all I want to do is sleep. Olivia and I have to keep cancelling and rescheduling our appointment with the adoption agency, so we've decided to put it out a month or so. Let things calm down and return to normal.
I feel badly that the Hamptons weekend I planned for me and Olivia didn't get to happen, so I've rescheduled it for this coming weekend. Hopefully no further tragedies will befall us and we will be able to actually go.
Casey is still staying with us, but I haven't seen much of her this week. She never responds when I text her during the day while I'm at work and mostly just stays locked in the guest room and tells us to "go away" when we ask her how she's doing. I had been worried she hadn't been eating and so I got her a pizza yesterday. I was relieved when I noticed most of it gone from the fridge this morning. She goes out at night – late at night – but I don't know where she goes.
People grieve in their own way and on their own time. I feel terrible that my best friend is hurting so badly and won't let me help; but I know there isn't much I can do right now. I keep telling her I'm there for her and when she's ready, I know she'll come to me.
I'm very worried about Olivia. She refused to take any time off and has been working herself way too hard. The whole squad is working double overtime to help find the coward who killed Amanda. They have some leads so far, but nothing concrete. Olivia always puts up a brave front and tells me "she's fine" but I know deep inside that she's still wracked with guilt. I wish she would open up to me about it. I really want to suggest she see a therapist; it worked for me when I was living in Wisconsin. But it's a very delicate subject and something I don't want to just bring up. I'm hoping this weekend in the Hamptons will get her mind off things. Hell, we both need it.
It's nearing seven PM and I'm just finishing up paperwork when my cell phone rings. The number is unfamiliar and not in my contacts list so I frown as I answer. "Alex Cabot."
"Miss Cabot, hello. My name is Laura and I'm calling from Manhattan Memorial Hospital Emergency Room." My heart sinks to my toes. God, please, no…don't let anything have happened to Olivia…please.
"What happened?" I manage to choke out around the knot in my throat. I have never been more terrified than I am at this moment.
"I have a Casey Novak here who we have treated for a broken hand. She can't be discharged unless she has someone pick her up due to the painkillers she was given, and she asked that I call you."
I start to shut my laptop down, feeling instant relief that Olivia is safe and glad that Casey wants me to help her. "Yes, I can come get her. What happened to her hand? How did she break it?"
"I wasn't given that information, I'm sorry. But she's ready to be discharged whenever you can get here."
It takes me about fifteen to get to the hospital. As soon as I enter the waiting room area it gives me a shiver; I despise hospitals. I glance at the group of injured and sick people waiting to be seen as I approach the front desk. I tell the receptionist who I'm here for and she gives me Casey's room number and points down the hall. I find it easily, and enter to find Casey sitting on the first bed. She has a cast on her right hand and looks up at me as I enter. I can't help but notice how pale she is and the way her eyes are glazed over from the pain medication.
I don't want to assault her questions so I stand next to the bed and nod towards her cast. "Does it hurt?"
"Not anymore," she tells me. She picks up the discharge paperwork that is sitting on the bed beside her. She is doing everything to avoid looking at me for too long. "Thank you for coming. I'm sorry you had to."
"It's okay," I tell her. "It wasn't a problem at all. I'm glad you're okay. What happened?"
She looks down at her hand. "I punched a wall instead of someone else."
I'm shocked at her words and don't really know how to adequately respond. That's not like Casey at all. "Oh. Well, I'm glad you didn't hit anyone." I sit down in the chair next to the bed. "Do you want to talk about anything? Where were you when this happened?"
Casey shakes her head and hits the call button on the bed. "I don't want to talk about it, Alex. I'll let the nurse know I'm ready and you're here so we can go."
I sit and wait while the nurse explains Casey's discharge instructions to her. Casey barely pays her any attention and before long we are in the elevator riding down to the lobby. Casey is lost in her thoughts again and acting as if I'm not even there.
When the doors slide open and we exit the elevator, I tell Casey, "We'll stop at the pharmacy and get your prescription. I have a feeling you're going to want those pain meds." To my surprise, she doesn't fight me.
She tells me what pharmacy she uses and I tell her to wait in my car while I run in to get the prescription filled. Casey hadn't said a word since we left the hospital. She does as I ask and as soon I turn the prescription in and take a seat in the chairs by the medication pickup window to wait for it, I call Olivia.
"Hey baby," she answers. "You done with work?"
"Yeah; I had to go pick up Casey. She's was in the emergency room. She broke her hand, she said by punching a wall. How are you? Are you going to be finished soon?"
Olivia is silent for a moment and then says, "She punched a wall? Is she okay?"
"She seems to be. I'm picking up her pain meds then I'm going to try and talk her into watching a movie with me at home. Do you think you'll be coming home soon? We've been working so hard we have barely seen each other this past week." What a stupid thing to say. There's a reason why we have been working so hard this past and neither of us wants to say it.
"I'm going to be late tonight. We're investigating another lead. It will probably turn out to be a dead end like the others, but there's always that chance." She pauses. "I miss you, baby. I'm taking the weekend off like you asked."
I find myself smiling for the first time in a week. I don't want to blow the surprise, but I want her to know that I do intend for us to be together. "I'm so glad you're taking it off! We're going to have a great weekend."
I can actually hear a smile in Olivia's voice. "What do you have planned? Should I be worried?"
"You should only be worried if you cancel on me," I tell her. The pharmacist waves at me to get my attention and I nod at him. "I have to go. I love you, Liv. I'll see you tonight."
"Love you too, Alex."
Hearing Olivia say those words to me always makes me feel better, despite what's going on. I feel on top of the world, special, all because Olivia Benson chose me. Out of all the people in the world she could have chosen, it was me. And I guess that does make me special.
I pay for Casey's prescription and head back out to the parking lot. It's getting colder so I tighten my scarf and when I'm just a few feet from the car, I stop dead in my tracks. Casey is crying. I can see her in the light from the parking lot lights, her good hand against her face as she leans forward and cries. She hasn't noticed me approach yet. My heart breaks for her and I know that if I get in the car now it's going to humiliate her. I'm just about to retreat when Casey looks up and sees me. She quickly sits upright and wipes her face with the sleeve of her coat.
I can't really turn around now so I plaster on a reassuring smile and get in the driver's side. I can't pretend I didn't see her crying. I had left the car running so the heat would stay on, and I turn down the radio so I can talk to Casey. I hand her the bag containing her medication and gently ask, "Are you okay?"
"You know I'm not, Alex," she tells me truthfully without even turning to look at me.
I know it's true. How could you ever be okay after losing the person you love? I know I couldn't be. I can't even imagine how difficult things are for her. I can't really blame her for hiding away in the guestroom all the time. How could you possibly want to move on after such a loss?
I look away, feeling a knot form in my throat again. There's not really anything I can say that will make her feel better, and I know it. "I'm sorry, Casey. I really am. About your hand, about Amanda, about everything. I wish I could make things better."
She nods slowly and leans against the car window. We sit in silence for a moment until I turn the radio back up to where we can hear it and pull out of the parking lot.
"I thought maybe we could watch a movie. Those pills will probably make you tired, but we can watch something until you fall asleep. We could even do a Once Upon a Time rewatch." I'm willing to watch anything, really. As long as it means she won't lock herself away in the guestroom and cry for one night.
"I need you to drop me somewhere," Casey says, still leaning against the car window.
Maybe she wants to go back to her and Amanda's apartment. Maybe she feels she's ready. "Where's that?"
"Stan's," she answers, without any hesitation at all.
I frown deeply. Stan's is a local bar. "Casey, that's not a smart idea. You shouldn't be drinking with that medication. And you just broke your hand; you need to rest."
"I'm not going to drink. I'm meeting someone there."
I'm still not keen on the idea and I make that very clear. "I really don't think – "
Casey turns and looks at me. "I wasn't seeking your permission, Alex. Drop me there or pull over and I'll get out and walk."
I sigh. I definitely don't want her to walk with it being this cold and having a broken hand. If I just take her home, I know she'll get her car or take a taxi to Stan's anyway. So what choice do I have? I get in the turn lane and a few minutes later I pull into Stan's.
Casey mumbles a thank you and goes to open her door but I quickly hit the switch for the door locks, causing her to look at me in surprise.
"Look, just…" I trail off, not having the right words to say. I don't have a right to lecture her or tell her what to do. She's an adult. "Who are you meeting?"
"That's my business," she tells me.
I'm not used to being treated this way by Casey. She always tells me everything, just as I tell her everything. She always asks me for my advice before she makes a decision. And now it's like she doesn't even like me at all. And it hurts; it hurts pretty badly.
"Okay. You're right. But if you need a ride, call me, okay? No matter how late it is. I'll come and get you." I look down at her hand. That must hurt like hell. "And be careful, okay?"
She nods in response and after I unlock the doors, she gets out and hurries inside. I sit in front of the building for several minutes, considering what to do. I should go in. Find out who she's meeting and make sure she stays out of the trouble. But she would be furious with me if I did. Maybe I should park in the back and just keep an eye out. I look around. Stan's is a bit shady, which is why I typically avoid it. If Olivia knew I was sitting here alone in my car like this, she would have a fit. I know I have to go home. As worried as I am about my friend, I have to look out for myself too.
As I pull out of the lot, I vow to myself that I will find out what Casey is up to somehow.
What do you think is going on? I'm curious to hear your thoughts! Leave me a review.
