Hey guys, thank you so much for still reading and reviewing this! I've got the next three chapters planned so hopefully you'll stick around to read them. I really enjoyed writing this chapter. Let me know what you think of it. Any advice is welcome! Hope you're having a great day :) ~ hereiamdestroya
In the morning, James isn't beside you when you wake up and for a second, you forget that your brother is across the hall. He had sneaked half way across the country without your parents knowing and you felt a tinge of guilt – what if your parents did find out? They would hate you even more for being a bad example to him. But you weren't sure he was that impressionable, not anymore. He had grown up a lot.
You throw on a pair of skinny jeans and one of James' t-shirts and pad down the hallway, only to hear the radio playing loudly and sounds of boys' laughter.
Before your eyes your boyfriend and brother stand in the kitchen, covered in flour, attempting to make breakfast, laughing. It is the sweetest thing you've seen.
"Hey!" James smiles and pulls you into a hug, kissing you quickly.
"What are you guys doing?" You find yourself laughing, the sight so pleasing.
"Your brother and I were trying to make breakfast for you. I was teaching him how to get pancakes just right" James grins.
"Yeah, turns out I am a terrible cook" Alby laughs, wiping the flour off of his cheek. "James on the other hand…you're lucky, sis".
"Indeed I am" You smile so fondly at James and find you can't stop. Watching him concentrating on cooking, his face so happy with his brown hair falling down into his beautiful eyes. The most beautiful pair you've ever seen. It's times like this when you don't understand how you have depression. You don't understand how you can have something so perfect and still feel like you're worthless, like the world would be so much better if you just stopped existing.
Four months prior
"What is wrong with you?" James asks, frustrated that you haven't gotten out of bed all day – you're in pretty much the same position you were in when he left the house eleven hours earlier for work.
"I just-I haven't felt great" You tell him. What else can you tell him? You pull your sleeves down even though they're under the bed covers, you still feel self-conscious of them.
You know James is trying to keep calm but you can see the annoyance in his expression. "(Y, N), you haven't felt great for weeks! Do you need to see a doctor?" He asks, pacing up and down the length of your bedroom.
You want to crawl under the covers. You don't want to look at him. Or talk. You just want him to hold you.
"I love you" You whisper, feeling your eyes water.
"Do you (Y, N)? Do you...Because from where I'm standing it sure doesn't feel that way sometimes" James puts his palms on the back of his head, exasperated. He knows you've been unhappy, but most of the time, you're generally able to hide it from him, or at least you think you can. But he sees you – he sees the stress in your smile when you're faking it and he sees how you cry that little bit harder at family films with happy endings.
How did he not understand your love for him? That it absolutely consumed you. That he was the only thing keeping you alive and keeping you wanting to get better.
He still keeps you alive. And seeing him with your brother, getting along, made you earth shatteringly happy.
"I've got to head to work in a minute, but I thought we could go out for dinner tonight – the three of us?" James suggests, washing the flour off of his face and arms.
"Sounds great. Al, you fancy it?" You nod to the blonde boy.
"I'd love to" He smiles.
"So, what are you into at school?" James asks politely after you've all ordered a starter. You went to a quiet restaurant just a couple of roads away, a place not known for being a good pap spot so you felt safer going there.
James and Alby were dressed casually, button down shirts and jeans and they both looked handsome. Your brother really had changed a lot.
"Everything really…I'm on the basketball team and I play tennis. I like art, and music" Alby replies just as politely. You're so glad that they're getting on well.
"You got on the team?!" He had been practising so hard when you left, every night out of the courts.
"I'm the captain" He smiles, though does it humbly.
"That's awesome! Congrats. We should have a game sometime" James widens his smile. His friendliness was one of the things you loved so much about him. "Get a few of my guys together. It'd be fun"
"Yeah, that sounds great" Alby smiles genuinely. He looks over to you and you grin. "You up for it, sis?"
You laugh but Alby doesn't and before you can say anything James interrupts. "You play?"
"Hey, don't act so surprised!" You laugh.
"Why didn't you ever tell me? We could have played together!" James says. You just laugh it off.
"She used to run rings around me when I was a kid. Until I got better at it then her. That was when she got into boys and make-up" Alby chuckles.
"Hey, leave me alone you!" You smack Alby's hand gently. He just laughs. The three of you spend most of the evening laughing and finally decide to call it a night at 11.
When you get home, the three of you lounge on the sofas, drinks in hand. James cuddles up to you and whilst you talk to your brother, he falls asleep in your arms. He must be exhausted after another day of tour rehearsals. You and Alby talk quietly over top of him but looks so peaceful and gorgeous; it's hard to take your eyes off him.
"How are you? Honestly?" You ask Alby. In the dim lighting of the open living room, your brother looks even older, shadows under his eyes.
"I'm doing ok. What about you?"
"I'm better now" You say. Alby knew you were self-harming before you'd moved to LA but he didn't understand enough to help you. It was something neither of you had talked about back then.
"Are you really…are you-still doing it?" His eyes flicker to your wrists, just as Kendall's had done the other evening.
"Not as much" You say truthfully. There had been a time when you had done it religiously. And now, although you were far from cured, you were better. Only doing it when you couldn't resist. When you couldn't fight it any longer. "I'm starting therapy soon".
He nods solemnly, taking a sip of his drink. You both sit in silence for a minute or two.
"How are mum and dad?" You ask finally.
"They still argue whenever they're in the same room – my family birthday party was fun- …but their good – on their own. Dad's happy with Stella and mum's dating a new guy" Alby tells you.
"Oh wow" You nod in acceptance. Everyone was moving on. "Do they…do they ever talk about me?" You fret, not knowing whether you really want Alby to answer this. His facial expression changes, into one of upset.
"Sometimes…Mum misses you. They both do. They don't say it out loud, but they both do…Mum was crying the other day, in her bedroom, looking at something. And once she left, I sneaked in to see what she was looking at… It was a picture of you and her – from Grammy's birthday party, two years ago" He explains.
You don't quite know what to say and you're trying really hard not to cry, not in front of Alby. "They could have called you know – but they didn't. Neither of them did."
"They're still angry – in their own ways…You know, we found out about you and James in a celebrity magazine…Mum was reading one of those stupid magazines and there you were, walking down the street with James. She was overwhelmed – made me come look at it, to see if it was you…She told me to tell Dad (they still don't talk to each other unless they have to) and I did and he said nothing…I guess that was when they stopped worrying about you. When they saw you were with a celebrity, I guess they thought you were doing okay. It was their way of dealing with the fact you weren't coming home" Alby looks down at the coffee table, wondering whether he should have said all that. But it doesn't matter now.
You felt incredibly sad and mortified that your parents would stop caring so instantly, but you wondered whether the divorce had left them both more heartless than they had been before it. You felt terrible, absolutely fucking terrible, for leaving Alby with them.
"Do you hate me…for leaving?" You ask tenderly. Alby thinks for a second, before looking at you and sighing.
"No, of course I don't. I think I did at first…but then I realized I would have done exactly the same thing if I'd had the chance…I don't blame you for escaping it…I wish you would have kept in contact though. But then I never really contacted you either, so…" he trails off.
You feel the tears rush down your cheeks and you try not to sob so you don't wake up James. But you feel so overwhelmed – the guilt you've held onto is finally lifting.
"Please don't cry" Alby smiles, reaching out a hand and placing it on your arm. "I'm really glad I came out here, y'know"
"So am I" You smile, tears still flowing.
"I'm so tired. You mind if I go sleep?" Alby asks.
"Go for it". Alby kisses your forehead and stands up straight, stretching.
"Love you" You say quietly, a smile on your face.
"Love you too sis" He laughs kindly, before padding down the hallway and into his room.
You sit quietly for a few minutes, not quite crying but letting the tears stream anyway. So much had happened. You felt relieved. You feel James' heartbeat as he lies in your arms, his body now at an awkward angle.
"James, baby" You say quietly in his ear. "James…"
"I'm awake" He says softly. "Sorry"
"Did you hear all of that?" You ask.
"Would you kill me if I said yes? I didn't want to disturb you guys by waking up" He says honestly. He turns his body and you move your bodies so you're facing each other face on, legs hanging to the side, your palms touching the sides of his beautiful face.
"He doesn't hate me" You whisper. "He doesn't hate me". Your eyes search his and he simply kisses you.
"Nobody could hate you. Ever" He kisses you again. You stand up and lead him, hand in hand, to your bedroom, and your hands are still holding when you both fall into a deep sleep.
