"But I didn't." Naruto interrupted, "and so what if I did? It's my body! I can do whatever the hell I want to myself! I have the right to decide! You guys talk about me being selfish and unfair! But what about you too? Do you thinking keeping me here against my will is fair?" Naruto yelled in utter despair, his outburst felt so good. He finally said what needed to be said, screw who cared about it.
"Naruto-!" Tsunade and Kakashi said unison, utterly shocked at how much built up aggression Naruto had.
"You know what, I think it's time I take my leave." Naruto muttered darkly before making his escape.
"For darkness restores what light cannot repair." ~Joseph Brodsky
Rage seethed throughout his entire body as he aimed to get himself as far away as possible from those two hypocrites. He couldn't help but wonder why he hadn't blown up sooner than he had, to some his burst of anger showed lack of control, but to him it showed he still felt something. Was it really that much to ask of people? To be left alone?
God knows he didn't mean to cause any harm to his Senseis and Godmother but didn't they care how he felt? Why couldn't they see how torturous it was to keep him here? Why couldn't they see how much it hurt just to wake up every morning?
Naruto stared down at his bandaged arms as he slowed his pace down when he was sure he was a good distance away, sure he may be alive, he decided. But was he really living? Cutting was the only thing that brought him any joy anymore, let alone much feeling.
For a moment he was glad those three were the only ones who knew the real reason he landed in the hospital, he couldn't bare the looks they gave him every time they saw him, let alone he couldn't imagine what everyone else would say and how many more glances and stares he would get.
He didn't want to be seen differently by anyone, that was the whole point of keeping his emotions in check. He was supposed to be the loud, rash, annoying and reckless ninja he always was, right? Appearances must be kept up and he failed to consider what would happen if he failed at suicide.
With Tsunade watching him like a hawk and her supreme medical skills, faking a recovery would be way harder than he was willing to work to get himself out from under her thumb. Naruto was truly at loss for what to and opening up and "moving on" seemed downright hysterical and unrealistic.
Naruto made the quick decision to make his way back to his own apartment, wanting to keep this small piece of freedom for as long as he possibly could. As he made his way down a familiar path he couldn't help but to recall all the times Kakashi had ignored him, always choosing Sasuke over him.
"Too many to count..." He mumbled to himself as he contemplated the reason why Kakashi would be so wanting to hear him out now, when before, growing up as a kid when he really needed that, he was never there.
A small smile arose upon his face as he spotted an old familiar door. He ran his hand slowly on the door as memories poured into his mind. His decision to die that day, the way he chose his method, and oh; how the rope felt around his neck at that moment.
He suddenly felt his hand stroke the side of his neck in remembrance of the rope, taking a deep breath; he closed his eyes to remember that moment on the chair. It felt so empowering and freeing,almost like a gift to himself. It was the first time in his life he finally had true control over his life and a high he never would be able to recreate fully.
Snapping himself out of his thoughts he managed to realize the door remained unlocked, slowly opening it he braced himself for another whirlwind of memories that would invade his mind.
Everything was left as it was as far as he could remember, rope and all. Dust seemed to accumulate since that day and inspired an sudden itch for cleaning, better than the alternative, he thought as he continued his way throughout his apartment.
Making his way to his side table where he stored cleaning supplies, he began shuffling through the mess, suddenly locating one of his favorite knifes that he liked to use. Picking up the knife, running his fingers on the sharp edge caused him to reminisce about how often this knife gave him such relief. Not being able to resist the temptation any longer, he almost started to satisfy his urge, when he finally realized he still had bandages all over his arms. Anger and frustration shot through his body when he realized the predicament he was in, "Damnit..." He hissed, slamming the knife back into the drawer. "Now I have no choice but to clean."
Naruto immediately leaped into a cleaning routine, feeling his stress decrease with every table that was wiped and every dish washed. He felt his built up rage start to diminish as he lost himself in scrubbing his floors, it was odd how the smell of bleach could calm him so well.
The burning he soon began to feel under his nostrils was turned into an odd form of self-inflicted punishment as he continued to scrub the floors as hard as he could. Soon, old familiar voices emerged in his mind, playing the same accusations and insults at him.
"Demon!"
"Monster!"
"Loser!"
"Idiot!"
"How could that brat ever think he could become Hokage?!"
"Why can't he just do us all a favor and die?!"
The louder the voices got, the faster he scrubbed, ignoring his aching hands and arms. This is punishment, he thought, for being so sick and dirty. How could he ever consider telling Kakashi the truth about being raped? He imagined the look on his Sensei's face if he ever told him the truth, Kakashi would probably never want to lay eyes on him again.
Naruto just felt so sick inside, so swine like and utter garbage. Someone so unworthy of Jiraiya's teaching and legacy. How could he ever possibly been considered to be a student? Naruto felt physically sick just thinking about the possibility of Jiraiya knowing about how of low life he was.
Finally out of breath, he stopped halfway through his scrubbing ritual, glancing around the house at his handiwork. His eyes were now burning and his nose was dripping mucus from the beach he so very well ignored.
Deciding his work on the floors would have to do, he started to quickly mop the floors, starting to feel ill from all the bleach he inhaled during his scrubbing regime. Zoned out like a zombie, Naruto almost didn't notice a faint knock at his door.
"What?" He moaned, he felt a murderous headache coming on and talking to someone right now was the last thing he wanted at the moment.
"Naruto are you in there?" A man's voice asked, Naruto immediately recognized this voice as Kakashi's, instigating an over dramatic grown from the young man.
"Go away!" He yelled.
"Naruto if you don't open this door right now, so help me God I will bust this door right off the hinges! Don't test me!"
Naruto sighed, that was Tsunade.
"Lady Hokage, I don't think that would be entirely appropriate..." Kakashi said in an attempt to calm Tsunade down.
"I don't give a damn about what's appropriate and what's not! All I know is Naruto better open up right now! Or God have mercy on his soul!"
"You guys are so bothersome. I hope you both know what..." Naruto grumbled as he fiddled his way to unlocking and opening the door up. He didn't have the energy to fight this battle anymore.
"What the hell do you think you doing in here? What did you do Naruto?" Tsunade demanded as she did her best not to completely lose her temper as she assessed the heavy smell of bleach and over top cleanliness in the apartment.
"Naruto, you look sick!" Kakashi exclaimed, stealing the mop from Naruto's hand, searching for a closet to put it away in.
Naruto simply stared at the two blankly, shrugging to himself as he made his way to his bedroom. Being told how sick he was was just the cherry on top of the hell of a day it's been for him. All he could think about was sleep, standing up just made him nauseous and want to vomit.
Tsunade started to retract her anger when she noticed how sick Naruto looked. She had to agree with Kakashi, he looked awful and caused no doubt by his excessive use of bleach. It seemed there was no end to the questions that kept arising in regards to Naruto's well being. Tsunade couldn't help but wonder why he felt the need to compulsively scrub his home from top to bottom. It was an obvious sign of how he felt on this inside, unclean?
She watched Kakashi attempt to guide Naruto to his bed, she took in how he seemed to recoil from Kakashi's touch when he tried to guide Naruto's stumbling figure. She couldn't believe it had taken her so long to notice these signs she could clearly see now. Tsunade's heart dropped in a way she hadn't felt in a long time, in fact, since her brother and loves passing.
"I think we should just let him sleep it off for now." Kakashi stated softly as he began putting away all the bleach and cleaning supplies away. Attempting to set back his understanding for Narutos odd behavior for tomorrow.
Tsunade nodded in agreement solemnly, too dumbfounded for words.
Author's note: Well I finally updated! Sorry about that wait! I hope you enjoyed! I hope it didn't disappoint too much and I appreciate all the reviews I've been getting! Love them! Thanks so much guys! Keep them coming I love reviews! They motivate me to update faster! Also, so sorry about the sucky writing hahaha I tried to keep it as uncheesy as possible! Thanks! Please review! Thanks!
