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I do not own Big Time Rush or anything else you recognize in this.

Kendall felt a dry lump form in his throat, as though he was about to vomit everything he had eaten in the past week. And he clenched his teeth, knowing that his promise to James...

could not be kept.

More threatening words spilled from the seditionist's mouth as he pressed the jagged blade to Jacob's unshaven throat. Kendall stood helplessly, the confusing dialect meaning nothing to him as he held his hands up in surrender. His green eyes flicked back and fourth between his friend and the makeshift bomb, the man's palm resting beside the detenator.

Kendall swallowed loudly, begging silently to God to spare his life. As the men were yelling, the blonde caught something gleam in the corner of his eye, but paid no mind to it. He was focused mainly on Jacob, who had closed his own eyes, in attempt to steady his breathing. Kendall could only imagine what was going through that man's head. Rosey, Bent, his family.

"Kendall...tell 'em I love them," he suddenly spoke, his southern voice reflecting the affliction in his heart. The blonde stared at his comrade for a moment, but opened his mouth far too late to respond.

The blade cut so smoothly, so quick across his pulsing flesh that Kendall hadn't even realized it happened until moments after. A spray of crimson painted Kendall's pale, dirty face, the tangy metal taste entering his mouth. He blinked his emerald eyes, stumbling back a few steps before catching his balance, his boots heavily banging the stone floor.

As Jacob's corpse lifelessly toppled to the concrete, Kendall's hands had come down to shield his face. The split second after his friend had been murdered, the man had hit the activation mechanism on the bomb, causing it to explode. Tucking himself into somewhat of a ball, Kendall threw himself down the rock hard staircase behind him, rolling down to the bottom level. Coming to a stop, the blonde's head smacked into the concrete, knocking him straight out. God had answered his plea for life.

But at what cost?

"Wake up blondie, wake up." Kendall opened his eyes slowly, groaning at the splitting headache he was enduring. The first thing he saw was Nurse Madison, her bright, sweet smile welcoming Kendall awake.

Madison was the only person he had been able to get along with in the medical wing. She was a heartfelt woman, in her late twenties. She had always brought him his food, and held meaningful conversations with him when no one else would. But for some reason, Kendall had yet to share his name with her, or anyone else here, so she had taken to giving him a nickname.

"C'mon blondie, today's the day," the brunnette grinned, helping Kendall sit in his hospital bed. Today was his last scheduled surgery, and he couldn't be more thrilled, yet frightened. The doctors would be implanting the small electronic device in his head that would asist him in control of his new, mechanical leg. Kendall slouched and stratched his hair, smiling at Madison's beautiful hazel eyes. They reminded him of James'.

The squeeking of the wheelchair's wheels could be heard as Madison rolled Kendall down the long hallway, down to the surgery prep room. "So, you finally gonna tell me your name in case you don't come out alive?" The dark haired woman grinned, stopping at the door. Kendall laughed, looking up at his long time friend. It had been eight months since he came here.

"Kendall Knight," he smiled, rolling himself into the room. As he disappeared behind the door, Madison began to walk back to her other patients. She thought about that name, suddenly remembering hearing it a while back, when a bombing had occured. She recalled treating 'blondie' for burns and cuts, but he had never told her the story. Biting her lip, she turned, making her way to the bustling lobby to use the telephones.

"Hello, can I speak with Sgt. Mason please?" Madison mindlessly twirled the phone cord in her delicate fingers, waiting for whoever had answered to fetch him.

"Sgt. Mason speaking." his booming voice came over the reciver, alerting Madison at once.

"Hello, I'm Madison Bowman, a nurse at Base 425's medical ward in Iraq. I was wondering if you had any information on a Private Kendall Knight?" there was a long pause.

"Private Knight was blown up in combat about one year ago along with Private Jacob Aaron, why are you asking mam?" Madison gasped quietly at what he had said, furrowing her dark eyebrows.

"That's impossible, Kendall Knight is a patient here."

xxxx

It had been days since James had read Carlos' photography journal, and he couldn't get the words to leave his mind. Everytime he saw Carlos with the leather book now, he felt a terrible, the same guilt ridden feeling take over him. He should have never been curious and snooped around in Carlos' buisness, let alone his personal journal. But what aggrivated James the most was the unknowing. What had Carlos meant when he said those things?

He'd have to get over it for the time being. Today, he and Carlos were driving out to Logan's house to visit and see how Katie was doing. When James had spoken to Logan over the phone, he told him the sixteen year old was getting along just fine, despite being acutley sensitve now. She would let no one touch her. James sighed, feeling his sandy colored hair blow back in the wind.

"You think she's alright?" Carlos asked loudly over the noise as they drove with the Jeep's top down. James closed his eyes at the sound of Carlos' voice, thinking of those damn words again.

"I admit, I felt a little envy, but whatever makes James happy."

"I don't know. I'm just really glad were going see her. We haven't been to Logan's in forever anyway," James ran his long fingers through his swirling hair, glancing over at Carlos through dark sunglasses. The Latino appeared so peaceful when he drove, inspite of his firecracker attitude. The sun glowing on his bronze skin, the soft smile playing across his lips as he hummed the words to the song on the radio. James could feel his heart thump loudly in his ears.

"I love him. So, so much,"

"Hey you guys!" Logan opened the door to his home, a big, welcoming grin on his face. He closed the door behind the two friends, embracing them in a long overdue hug. "I feel like I haven't seen you two in forever," Logan's toothy grin was just as perfect as ever.

"James! Carwos!" They suddenly heard, laughing as Alysia toddled up to them, extending her tiny arms to Carlos.

"Alysia! You're getting so big!" Carlos smiled, lifting her, imitating an airplane as he swooshed her through the air. James shook his head before they all walked into the living room. Lilah and Katie sat on the leather couch, watching television. They both looked over their shoulders and stood, and James was taken back. That was not the Katie Knight he had grown to love.

She wore a black Vneck and grey skinny jeans, dark shadow and eyeliner covering her sweet brown eyes. Her hips were wide and her waist was curved. She wasn't a little girl anymore, that's for sure.

"Its so good to see you," James grinned, leaning in for a hug, only to have Katie flinch back, her hands to her chest. Her expression was startling. Oh yeah, no touching.

"You too James," she returned to him an symppatheic smile, staring at him with slightly scared brown eyes. As she walked over to greet Carlos, James watched her, feeling her old presence had died completely. Katie was no longer a mischievous and happy young girl, but now a dark and dreary one. It broke his heart, knowing that she probably wasn't over what had happened, and was bottling it up.

She said hello to Carlos, then sat by herself at the kitchen table, her chesnut hair falling into her face.