Ugh! Whaler's Cove year…I don't want to count. This sucks. I'm first at the motel this year and I'm agitated. Where is Nick? It has been a hard year on us, but surely he hasn't decided to bail at this point. He might after I tell him the news. I mean I don't actually think that, but I feel kind-of like doing it myself so why wouldn't he?
I hear a knock and open the door. Nick throws his arms around me with such enthusiasm he accidentally bashes the old hard sided suitcase he is holding into my back. I wonder what's with the suitcase, because he has his backpack, too. He's never come with this much luggage before. I'm always the heavy packer.
"Maya!"
He looks so happy to see me that my heart starts melting. I'll tell him later. I'll tell him everything later.
Well, it's later and I still haven't told him. Nick and I are in bed and we're watching TV and I'm paying no attention to the program. I couldn't even tell you who these characters are on the screen.
"Nick, I need to talk to you."
Nick shuts the TV off. "Good. I've been wondering what was on your mind."
"Nick, I'm late."
"Late?"
Oh, gees, Nick, even a guy should know what that means. Don't make me draw you a picture! You know, we were together about a month ago or was it two…at your place I came in the middle of the night I was really upset practically hysterical and you comforted me…
Nick leans back and scratches the back of his head and looks at me as though he expects a neon "pregnant" sign to appear on me. I see him assume his calculating face he gets whenever he is attempting to do math. Math is definitely not his strong point, nor mine. Maybe that's why I'm in this mess. Apparent ally, one pill a day is too complex for me, but you know with all these alibis to manage and secret phone calls and mailing secret care packages I end up spending so much of my energy managing the lies that I get distracted from the more day to day things…like proper birth control and stuff. Talk about being dumb!
"How late? That was like two months ago wasn't it?" Nick still appears to be too evidence-driven to have reached the freak-out point. I expected him to look like he did in court when he Edgeworth just threw a surprise his way all wide-eyed and stunned, but instead his face is kind of scrunched up like he just ate a lemon.
I rest my head in my hand. Good going, Maya. This is so embarrassing. I feel terrible about this. Nick is quiet. I'm sure he's mad. This isn't supposed to happen. This is one of my responsibilities and I screwed up. I feel like a moron. If I'm having a baby I'm sad that this will be one of memories of finding out. Me feeling guilty and sure that Nick is having one of his freak-out-on-the-inside moments.
"I'm sor-" I start to apologize, but Nick hushes me up and says what I'm sure he isn't really feeling, "It's not a big deal."
Typical, he's going to downplay this. He keeps me waiting for him because of some garbage about the court system being corrupt and the innocent being jailed and I say I might be having his baby and that's no big whoop.
I move to hit him, but I can't do it. He actually seems ok. Is he really that daft? See, the thing is having Nick's baby isn't the problem. Thinking about being a mom isn't even the problem. The problem is I'm the Master of Kurain in a forbidden relationship and I've gotten knocked up. And the whole thing is stupid because I'd be jump up and down excited about having a baby, well as jump up and down excited as they allow you to be when you're "with child," if only Nick and I weren't still playing secret agents.
"Is it for sure?" he asks taking my hand gently in his.
"I haven't taken a test yet. I wanted to wait till we were together." Nick nods. He understands. It's not like I could take the test with anyone else around. That's the problem with having a secret lover. You've got nobody else to complain to about your lover when things get bad. In a normal relationship you could call up a girlfriend, eat a pint of ice cream and vent about how we find ourselves hopelessly in love with total nincompoops, but when you're protecting said nincompoop by keeping your romance a secret…there's nobody else to turn to.
I couldn't even admit the truth to Pearls. She was mad enough at Nick already for keeping me waiting, throw the news into the mix that I was having Nick's love child and she might hire a hit man.
So we go out for a walk to the little Whaler's Cove grocery to buy some food for dinner and a pregnancy test. At the check out I hide the test under a box of cupcakes. Nick catches me doing it and gives me his you-don't-need-to-be-embarrassed-look, but I feel that I do. A Kurain Master having a baby out of wedlock isn't supposed to happen. We're supposed to be in control of our emotions. In control of our impulses. In control of our urges. And me having a baby with the one person I'm forbidden to see or talk to is a huge disgrace not only to myself but also to our entire belief structure.
Counting the months on my fingers, I'm not even sure that I can claim it happened at Christmas, which is the only time we are allowed to see one another. So, I'll have the additional shame of the elders knowing that I've been sneaking around. Wonderful!
I'm so angry that we're still stuck in this situation. Even Pearls has given up on him. I know Nick lies to me about stuff. I know Nick doesn't know enough about what I must go through for us to be together. And now Nick is playing off like whatever happens will be OK. He probably thinks that's what I want to hear, but instead I want some acknowledgement of the disaster this is. Not because I'm having his baby, I don't mind that. Hell, I've dreamt about that for a long time, but it's a disaster because I'm having his baby and we aren't together. This should be a moment to celebrate instead I'm having to greet it as a catastrophe. It makes me SO ANGRY!!
The only solace I have in this entire situation is that if I can't have him, and it sure looks like I can't, I'll at least get to have a little part of him, a little person who grew out of our love that I can have everyday and proclaim as mine to keep and care for and not have to hide. Of course, a ton of shame will go along with all that, but maybe it will be worth it. I'm so sick of the hiding and the denial. Nick is obviously not ever going to move on with his life to the point where I will get to be with him. I can't believe that I was so stupid with love that I honestly believed we would come out together at the end of all this. God, I'm dumb.
I have no idea what the elders will do to me, but it doesn't really matter because what's done is done and, honestly, if I had to choose something to cause me to be totally disgraced and potentially excommunicated from the order having Nick's baby would be what I'd choose. I'm still mad at him though. What an idiot! He just can't get over that last case. He can't move on. Move past it Nick!!! It's been SIX YEARS!!
I keep giving him hints that I'm ready and that Pearls is ready and yet he goes along with the status quo. Were losing valuable time here, Old Man!!
Back at the room, we sit at the little table in the room to eat dinner and I drink a big bottle of water. Nick is unusually quiet and I'm having a harder time reading his thoughts than usual. We've never been in this situation before so I have no point of reference for how he might be feeling and I don't really know how I'm feeling either, it seems to change minute by minute. I'm freaked out and I don't know what I want from him other than for him to say that he's an idiot and that, of course, I can leave Kurain and come live with him and Trucy and we can be a family and never talk about court cases again. I'm pretty sure I would like that. I'm also toying with the notion that my second most liked option is to possibly murder him, but there's a lot of other thoughts, too. Like I don't want to kill my child's father, but really would it matter if he was only around a couple times a year and in secret no less? And then there's the thought that inside my belly the greatest gift I've ever been given is growing and how could I not greet this as anything other than the most wonderful miracle to ever happen to me? Ugh. I wish I could make up my mind but instead my brain is swimming in these conflicting thoughts so much I feel like I'm motion sick.
After dinner I just continue sitting in the chair staring off into space. Neither one of us says anything for a long time until Nick comes and squats next to me. He sweeps my hair away from my face and gently caresses the side of my face.
"Maya, just take the test. Whatever happens will be fine. We'll make it work."
I look at him. These aren't the most romantic words in the world, but given our predicament they seem pretty sweet. He kisses me on the forehead and I go into the bathroom. A few seconds later I walk out with the test in the little cap that protects your furniture from getting messy and I set it on the night stand and walk away.
Nick comes up behind me and wraps his arms around me and kisses the side of my neck. Part of me wants to shove him away I'm so mad at him, but it feels so nice I can't. I'm only mad because I can't have this everyday; that instead I spend my days waiting for him. That this is all about him and what he wants and needs.
I've been listening to his stupid conspiracy theories for years! Do I really want this guy in my life? What is wrong with me? I have a date with someone else and I go running to Nick and end up pregnant. I must be the dumbest woman on earth. I wish Mia was here. She'd help me make sense of this. Either that or she'd beat Nick up for me. I can picture Nick on the witness stand and Mia finding every contradiction between his actions and his supposed "love" for me.
The image makes me feel vindicated. I love Nick something awful, but it's been six years! Six years, buddy! It's not like we have to live together or something, but I'm tired of the sneaking around and having a baby in 9 months is kinda going to be a big hint to the rest of the world that something is going on.
I'm timing the test with the alarm on my cell phone and when it beeps we both take two steps forward and lean in as though we are looking down to the bottom of a well.
There are two lines there. One is faint, but it's definitely there. I start crying, but Nick is… kissing me? What kind of a crazy guy is he? He can't possibly think this is good. What kind of a masochistic freak is he?
"Maya, Maya, it's ok. I love you. It's gonna be ok."
I hit him. Hard.
"Maya, what is your problem? I don't understand. Its like you're mad that I'm not mad. I don't get it. Talk to me."
Talk to you! Talk to you! About how awful I feel? Or about how I can't believe that I'm still sneaking around with you? Or how I'm going to be an unwed mom with a boyfriend I only see a few times a year because of some stupid excuses? It was one thing when the Department of Child Safety was breathing down his neck, but now I don't even understand why I don't just confess the truth to the elders and be done with it. He has a new adoption caseworker, Pearls and Trucy both know, Iris is happily married to someone else with a slew of children, and when it comes to the elders Nick and I both know there's no pleasing them…so I just don't get it.
"Yes, I'm mad! This shouldn't be happening to me. I love you. We should be together and I shouldn't have to be freaking out about this."
"I know. I'm sorry."
"And I'm sick of you saying that. I'm done, Nick. I'm done. I'm tired of being your dirty little secret. Why are you so ashamed of me?" I'm sobbing and Nick looks more pained than when I punched him.
"Is that what you think? Maya, do you think this isn't killing me, too? Do you honestly think I don't want to be with you, to have the world know we're together?"
"I don't know what to think, Nick. You keep me in the dark about everything. You won't explain to me why you think I'm in danger and I'm starting to think that you're insane. Like next week your manifesto will be printed in the paper and that I must be even crazier than you for putting up with your shenanigans!!"
"I know I must seem crazy, but Maya I know what I'm doing now. Give me just a little longer."
"Why does this matter? Why should your disbarment have anything to do with us? Are you punishing me for not being there? I don't understand."
Nick looks at me with sad eyes. "Maya, please don't say that ever again… and come look in my suitcase."
This is too strange a proposition for me to ignore so as he grabs the suitcase and tosses it on the bed I scoot closer.
"Maya, things may get worse before they get better, but I swear we're getting close. I can feel it."
Oh, my God. He is nuts! When did it happen? Have I been so blinded by love I missed that he is possibly deranged? And why the hell can't I be with someone else? What is this strange uncontrollable attraction I feel to him? I can't be with another man mentally or physically. I tried. It doesn't work. I'm stuck with him and his issues. Lucky me.
He opens the suitcase. "I found my lawyer." The suitcase contains a laptop, a bunch of CD-ROMs and a ton of newspaper clippings. He hands me one. It is from the Ivy College Newspaper. It is an article about a soon to be graduating law student ironically named, Apollo Justice.
I'm intrigued by Nick's enthusiasm and I temporarily set aside my anger.
I scrunch up my face and bring the article a little closer to my face. "Does he have horns?"
Nick laughs whole-heartenedly and says, "They're not horns! It's a bad photo. It's his hair. He has spiky hair, too."
"That better not have been your only qualification." I say to him balling my hands into fists, but he just chuckles.
"Oh, Maya. I love you. Everything is going to be ok." And he throws his arm around me happily.
Sure, Nick, where's your evidence? Or do you just believe you can lead me on blind faith? That I really am that naive?
"What about the baby?"
"We'll make it work." And he smiles. He's smiling. What a jerk!
Being pregnant is such an abstract thing that I end up letting Nick refocus me on his investigation and I realize he has been doing stuff. Lots of stuff. He has recordings of conversations from way back when and detailed notes about evidence. His last case was really complicated, but I still don't really get why this should mean we have to be together in secret. He tells me about Apollo Justice and his idea to somehow trap Trucy's dad back in town and then have Apollo retry the case of Trucy's grandfather. The whole thing sounds incredibly complex and a little crazy. But this is Nick, if anybody can do it he can.
"Nick, why are we living this way? I don't understand. Trucy knows, Pearls knows. Why, Nick give me a good reason!"
"Maya, are you willing to give me…" he looks at me or more correctly he looks at my belly. "6 months?"
"You're telling me that in six months we won't have to hide anymore."
"Yes, if I can't get this all cleared up in six months Trucy and I'll rescue you from the elders wrath and move away somewhere. I don't know… the Midwest or something."
This is insane, but I feel tremendous relief. Even if he is certifiable we belong together. Like I've always said, we're in this together.
"Ok."
"Good, I need your help, partner or should I say "partners" now?" He says pointing at my tummy.
I shrug. This whole thing is going to take a while to sink in. I realize that a normal couple would probably be talking all about the baby, but I'm relieved we're not. We're not even in a position to have those kinds of conversations yet. So, instead we lay on the bed talking about the forged diary page, the guns, and this young man Nick has chosen to put his faith in. Amongst the stuff in the suitcase, I find a different photo of Mr. Justice. It's in color and he is wearing a smart looking red suit with a red vest. He's very handsome and in this photo I can tell he doesn't have horns. The photo has quotes from him about why he is becoming a defense attorney and his words sound like he was channeling Mia when he spoke them. Reading it gives me a sense of déjà vu.
I hold the photo up next to Nick.
"He could be your son. Is there something you're not telling me? Don't tell me I'm not the first woman to…"
"Yes, Maya. I forgot to mention that I fathered him when I was seven."
I actually laugh for the first time since arriving in the cove. "Ok, I guess you're right, that doesn't make sense…he just looks like you."
"Oh, I don't think so. He does kind-of look like Trucy though, if you squint your eyes." I have to laugh again. Nick looks ridiculous with his eyes pinched almost shut glaring at the photo.
"But if he's going to work for Kristoph Gavin what chance do you have? I mean you can't pay him." This comes out more bluntly than I had intended. But I don't even bother to blame hormones. I'm still not sure I buy all this, but there is something very comforting about this Justice fellow. I think I would like to meet him. If he means half of what he said in those essays he's gotta be a really good guy.
"But I'm Kristoph's friend I figure I can use my connection to him."
"But you think he or his brother could have been behind the whole thing."
"Yes, but their pride will make them think they can't be caught. I know Kristoph. He thinks the world of himself. He doesn't realize that Apollo is a way better attorney than him. I went and watched Apollo in a mock trial at the college. Maya, he's really good. He's better than I ever was."
"I don't believe that." I say it automatically. I could have a dagger in my hand ready to kill Nick and I'd still be defending his abilities as an attorney. I'm pathetic!
"Believe it and he has Mia's values. You saw those essays he's written about why he's a defense attorney. He really is an amazing kid. Brilliant."
"But he's just a kid. You have a lot riding on this. We have a lot riding on this." And I realize the "we" isn't just him and me or even him and Trucy and I, now we have this ethereal other entity that's part of our future…
"I was just a kid, too." Nick reminds me.
Yes, he was just a kid, but not anymore now we were going to have a kid. It seems like just yesterday in yet at other times I feel like those days of Phoenix Wright, Ace Attorney never even existed like they were some kind of illusion from an alternate reality…
I roll over and kiss him pulling his stupid hat off and running my fingers through his spikes and praying that this glimmer of hope Nick has shown me is not a mirage and that we really will be having our life change soon, for my sake and for the baby's sake.
The next day I wake up in terrible pain like I've never felt. I look down at my legs. What is wrong? I stand up and I feel something wet running down my legs. I try to run to the bathroom, but my legs and lower abdomen hurt too badly so I just kind of stumble on in. I grab toilet tissue to soak up the liquid. It's blood. I'm bleeding. I'm bleeding a lot. I look at a big ole blood clot on the tissue and start crying. I feel so disappointed in yet, I feel relief, too and I feel stupid for putting Nick through this and I feel ashamed that I still haven't told him why I came to him in such desperate need of him that night. Nick hears me crying and comes in to check on me. In my haste I hadn't closed the bathroom door.
"Maya? Maya, are you ok?" He sees me standing with a blood soaked wad of tissue in my hands and his eyes get big. I ease myself onto the floor of the bathroom, my cramping legs sticking straight out in front of me.
Nick sits next to me and I can tell he is trying to figure out what he should do. I hold my hand up and instruct him. "You are NOT taking me to the hospital."
"But-"
"Nick, there's nothing they can do."
He sighs. He knows this is not his area of expertise and that I probably know more about this stuff than he does. I lean against him and cry. My eyes are closed so I don't know for sure, but I think Nick may be crying.
I guess I should feel happy, but instead I just feel awful. A part of me wants to feel sorry for myself, but I turn my upset at Nick.
"Well, you must be relieved." The nastiness in my own voice shocks me. There's more venom to it than I had consciously intended. "Now you don't have to keep your little promise to me." I don't know why I'm saying this. I don't think Nick is happy about this. Nick isn't that kind of guy. He's too nice to ever be happy when he sees someone hurting, but it doesn't matter maybe it's the hormones or that I just lost the closest version of a dream I have. Not the version I want, but the crappy version. The shotgun wedding version. The version with all the elders being ashamed and scandalized. I'm not even lucky enough to get that version of my dream. Instead, I get the never-ending torture of this. This secret romance I manufactured. I made it, but Nick has perpetuated it and I can't take it anymore.
Nick has pulled away from me. His head is in his hands and he is sobbing.
"Maya, why are you so mad at me? I didn't mean for any of this to happen. I meant it when I said I'd make it right."
"Nick, what part of this is right?"
"We love each other… Don't we?"
I am quiet for too long for him to assume my answer. I do love him, but I don't feel like telling him so. Not right now anyways.
"I see." He says and he pinches his lips together so that they loose their color.
"Nick, I just don't think I can do this anymore."
He nods. "I know."
"And there's something else I need to tell you. I'm seeing somebody else."
Nick's nostrils flare and his head twitches ever so slightly, but he says nothing. Instead, he waits for me to continue. He's going to let me share rather than question me. Maybe the cross-examination will come later.
"We've gone out a couple of times."
Nick swallows. "You like him?" His voice is wobbling something awful, but he's trying to be my friend. This is harder for him than me telling him out of the blue that might be becoming a father. It occurs to me that he hasn't asked if the baby was his…not that it matters now.
"I don't know. It wasn't my idea."
"Who's idea was it?"
"Pearls."
Nick leans forward and lets out a sound I've never heard from him. It sounds like he just got choked. I reach out to touch his back, but even that movement makes me hurt more.
"She's given up on us, then? After all this time?" His words sound like they are taking an incredible amount of effort.
"She found out how long we've been sneaking around and she convinced me I deserved better. She's upset we're still lying. She says that isn't like either of us."
Nick raises his head. His eyes are bloodshot and streaming with tears. "Are you breaking up with me?"
Before I can say anything he begins ranting to himself. "I can't believe this. I screw everything up. I'm losing my best friend, my girlfriend, my baby, everything in one day. And here I was all excited because I found Apollo. Thinking that everything was going to be better."
Then he looks at me. "Come on. Come lie down." He helps me up and guides me to the bed and I lay on it. I have never felt more awful in my life. He digs around in his backpack and then steps into the bathroom and comes back with a glass of water and some pills.
"It's ibuprofen. It might make you feel better." I take them from him. He's given me like three times the normal dose. I take them all. I roll over and cry. He lies on the bed beside me, but he doesn't touch me. I sense that he doesn't think he has permission to anymore.
We lay there in misery for a while. I hear Nick occasionally sniffling. I wonder if we're over why we're still both here. Maybe our relationship is more of a habit than anything else. I drift off. I'm so exhausted. Being angry must have drained me either that or Nick slipped something in the drink to help me sleep. I could imagine him doing that.
I'm still asleep when I hear someone coming in our room. I pull myself up into a sitting position. It's Nick. He must have gone out for a while and I hadn't even realized he'd left. He has a plastic bag full of shopping and a bag of burgers. He has bought more medicine for me, heavy pads, and a single rose. The irony is that if it weren't for me he would have no idea what to do for me. When Trucy got her period Nick panicked and called me to come help him out. At first I thought he was just using it as an excuse for a visit, but when I had gotten to his place I realized he was, in fact, completely freaked out that his little girl was becoming a woman. Nick has a hard time dealing with stuff.
"I'm sorry." Is all he says as he sets the package of super duper jumbo totally unfeminine feminine pads in the bathroom for me. Usually I feel sexy when I'm at Whaler's Cove. This time I feel like the whale, a harpooned whale with blood gushing from it.
Nick puts the rose in a glass of water and sets it on the night stand by me and then walks around the bed to come sit beside me.
"You want to tell me about this guy so I can decide if he's good enough for you?"
I laugh a little. "You really think you'd be ok with someone else with me?"
"No, but maybe Pearly is right. If this guy could make you happy than he deserves you more than me." Nick seems to have resigned himself to agreeing with the statements I made while in my hormonal rage even though my heart wasn't in them. I can't stand seeing the sadness in his eyes. He has made his decision. He is willing to let me go if it will make me happy.
"Nick, he doesn't make me happy. That's why I went to visit you."
Nick's face shows a look of dawning. I can tell he's remembering that night. I rang him up in the middle of the night to say I was coming over and I was at his place ten minutes later ranting about how badly I needed to be with him. How I loved him and I couldn't stand to be apart from him anymore. I think I was so hysterical I might have even woken Trucy up.
"You went out with him before you came over that night didn't you? That's why you were in town."
I nod. The whole time I was with him all I could think about was Nick. I felt crazed. I just can't be with someone else, but Nick won't let me be with him the way I want to be.
I feel confused. I'm not sure where things stand now. I've said some pretty hurtful things. I've probably been letting too much build up in me. Some of these things I should have said sooner, when I could have said them without so much drama. I can't believe what has happened.
Nick turns to me. His eyes are bloodshot and there are bags under them that make it almost look like he has two black eyes. "I'll leave in the morning, but, Maya, I'll always be your friend. I want you to know that."
I grab him. "No, Nick! No, don't leave! That's the whole problem. It's the leaving. I can't take it anymore. You said six months. Were you serious?"
He nods. "But, I can't be one hundred percent-"
I wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him.
"That's good enough for me. If you're willing to forgive me."
"Maya, I'm sorry about the baby. I know it wasn't what you wanted, but I'm really disappointed."
I nod. "Me, too. It was yours you know. I didn't-" I start crying and he pulls me to him so my tears pool on his neck.
"Maya, I trust you and even if you had cheated on me I'm in no position to be upset with you. I'm putting you through hell. I know that and I hate myself for it."
"Nick, it's ok. I just hurt and I'm confused."
"Maya, there's something you need to know. I lied to you about Mia's visit."
I look at him. This is unexpected.
"She didn't come to tell us she was happy for us. She came to tell me that if we kept this up we were in for a world of hurt. She warned me I was taking too long. She told me my pride was keeping us apart. Everything she said was true. She told me that if I really loved you I'd let you go."
"What?!" How could my sister have done that! How could she suggest such a thing?!
"And Maya she was right, as usual."
"No, she wasn't. My sister doesn't know anything."
"She warned me something like this would happen. And I still couldn't bring myself to break up with you. I thought only of myself. I think I must be evil."
This breaks my heart.
"No, Nick. No, you're not evil you're a very good person."
"Who lies and strings you along and won't admit that I'm embarrassed about what I've become and-"
"Nick, you've just lost your way."
Tears are pouring out of his eyes but he makes no sound and I wrap my arms around him and hold his head to me as I endure wave after wave of cramps.
The rest of the weekend we lay low. We watch the Steel Samurai for almost two days straight and I eat microwave popcorn till the imitation butter flavor makes me feel ill.
Nick makes me check in with my doctor to make sure everything I'm experiencing is to be expected. He is concerned that something more is wrong or that he has somehow hurt me and I keep assuring him that this happens sometimes, but even after my doctor says the exact same thing he still seems unwilling to forgive himself for putting me through this. So, I'm very relieved when after about three days the cramping subsides and I feel human again.
Things remain a little awkward, but Nick tries to make it up to me. I feel guilty. I go out with another guy behind his back. I tell him that one of his closest friends who idolized him has lost faith in him. I screw up my birth control and almost make him a dad. Then I spend the rest of the week crampy and hormonal and Nick is trying to make it up to me.
Our last night things almost feel normal again or whatever "normal" is for us.
"Nick, I want to be with you. I love you. That's not the problem. I'm just tired. I'm tired of lying. At first it was fun. I like sharing secrets with you. I always have, but not now. Now, I'm ready for it to be over. Please tell me you feel the same way."
He nods. "I feel it, too, but let's hold out a little longer. We can meet here in October. That's in about six months and if everything isn't cleared up by then we can use the time to research where we want to move to."
"Nick, why can't I just move in with you and Trucy?"
Nick bows his head as though ashamed, "If my plans with Apollo don't work I don't want any of us in the city."
"I don't understand why you think it's dangerous. Have you been threatened?"
"No, everything seems fine and that's what doesn't make sense. Criminals like to tie up loose ends. They like to bump people off who know stuff and there are too many people in the city who know stuff, myself included. I worry someone's going to try to kill me or someone near me is going to end up dead and probably pretty soon."
I wonder if I have the strength to say this, but I figure keeping my concerns bottled up hasn't been doing any good for either of us so I take a deep breath and say it.
"Nick, in all these evaluations you've had to make sure you were a fit parent for Trucy, did they ever evaluate you for paranoia?"
Nick tips his head back and laughs. He grins so broadly I know he must not be crazy. If he were he'd get defensive. "So after all this time you've decided I might be nuts. Is that it?"
"I'm not sure." I admit honestly.
"Well, I hope I'm paranoid. If nobody gets killed or hurt I'd be happy."
"I bet you would." I smiled. Why was I so mad at him? How could I have been so mad? He's so sweet and well meaning, misguided, maybe but very well meaning and I love him too much to give up hope now.
When we check out of the motel we book the room for in October. At the bus station we reiterate the plan. Nick will make contact with Apollo and try to get in contact with Trucy's father while I stay out of the city. I love how my job is always the dull one. Secret Agent, Maya: your mission is to wait again…Oh and find a gentle way to let the other guy down easy.
As we sit at the bus station my phone rings. It's the guy. I figure now is as good a time as any to end the thing so I answer.
"Hello?"
"Hi, Maya. Where have you been? I've been trying to reach you. I thought maybe you were mad at me."
"No, nothing like that. I've just been busy." I feel Nick put his arm around me. It feels nice.
"Well, are you free tomorrow night? I thought I could pick you up and we could go into the city and see the opera. You could spend the night at my place. I have a spare guest room. I mean, I hope I'm not coming on to strong, but I've really missed you. Maya, you deserve to have somebody who'll take care of you and treat you right, you know?"
"I do. And you're very sweet, but I can't see you again."
"What? But Maya! I love you!"
Oh, my God. How had I let it get to this point? Had the idea that he had a car and a normal life and he didn't care what how much I ate really lead me to string him along? I had never been fair to him. He had never even had a chance.
"I'm sorry."
"There's somebody else isn't there?"
"I won't lie. Yes."
"They told me you haven't dated in years."
"That's true for the most part. I'm sorry. I've been selfish."
"If he's so great than why are you so sad all the time? I want you to be happy, Maya. You deserve better."
"Yes, yes I do, but I'm in love with him."
"It's that damn attorney isn't it?"
I am silent. I don't believe it's his business.
"Maya, you listen to me. Anyone who makes you lie to your family and sneak around is only thinking of themselves. He's a shady character. He's bad news and the sooner you realize that the better. Why are you throwing away your chance to be happy with me?" I look at Nick and he kisses me on the forehead.
"Because I have to. Good-bye."
"Maya, Maya, wait-"
I hang up on him and breathe a deep sigh. I don't know why but I'm crying. I bury my face in Nick's chest.
"I heard what he said. He sounds like a nice guy."
"Yeah, he is. He's really nice. I feel bad. I didn't realize he-"
"Loved you? Maya, how could he not?"
I laugh. "I'm not that great. I hit you know."
Nick chuckles. "I do know. I'm surprised I'm not black and blue."
He gently places my hair behind my ear and I dab at my wet eyes with my sleeve.
"Maya, are you sure this is what you want? I'll always be your friend, no matter what, you know that, right? You could call him back."
I shake my head and touch his face. "Those things he said about you aren't true."
"They sound pretty accurate to me." Nick says angrily.
"Not to me." I say.
Nick's jaw is firmly set in a frown. I realize then how torn up he is on the inside. How much he's feeling that he isn't saying. There's a lot of guilt there. I can't be mad at him anymore. I need to forgive him. I need to be patient for just a little while longer. I can't lose faith now.
"You do take care of me, Nick."
I throw my arms around him and pull my feet up onto the hard wooden bench so my upper body is in his lap. He pulls me to him and our lips connect and he holds me. My tongue and lips dance with his while my hands grope at the back of his head and neck and I feel the contentment I only experience when I'm in his arms. People are probably staring, but my eyes are closed so I don't know. I don't care. It's Whaler's Cove and it'll be six months till I feel this free again.
"Nick, you think someday we can have kids?" I whisper to him.
Nick smiles. "I'd like that."
