Okay, well here's part seven.. but before you go and read, PLEASE READ THIS!

Please tell me which option you'd prefer:

1) This to be the last chapter and end of the story

2) For this to be the last chapter of I'm Still Here, but the story to have a sequel

3) Same as two, but just an epilogue instead of sequel

4) To continue this story further.. (if you pick this, what kind of ending are you looking for?)

Part 7:

Remembering all the times you fought with me

I'm surprised it got so far

Things aren't the way they were before

You wouldn't even recognize me anymore

Not that you knew me back then

But it all comes back to me

In the end…

You kept everything inside

and even though I tried, it all fell apart

What it meant to me,

Will eventually, be a memory

(Linkin Park – In The End)


So far I've seen Weiss and my dad, but there has been no sign of Vaughn, not that I really expected to see him. Unfortunately, Dr. Barnett had got my hopes up, something I've been trying to avoid since all my previous experiences have ended in heartache.

My dad left about an hour ago, citing work, which for once I knew he wasn't using just for an excuse. He hadn't been in over 24 hours, which must have felt like a life time to him. Weiss hung around fo

r an extra half an hour or so, before he left too, Alan would be dying for a walk and some food and Weiss didn't want to be welcomed home by some unfortunate… spills that could've been avoided.

So, for the last half hour or so since he left, I've alternated between staring out the window and watching the door, in search of something to occupy my attention. Okay, fine I admit it, I've been watching for Vaughn, but both views have been nothing but depressing and disappointing, it's raining outside and no one has walked by my doorway… not even a nurse.


I don't know how long I've been pacing the hallway across from her room now. When Weiss left he gave me a warning glare before pushing me towards her door. I had stood there for a moment, watching her as she stared out the window. As soon as she started to move though, I leapt backwards out of sight. I couldn't face her, not yet. Everything Dr. Barnett had said kept running through my head. That, and Jack's statement from weeks earlier, "Your kindness tortures her."

Every time I thought I had finally got up the courage to go and see her and would take a step toward her door, I'd realize once again that I didn't know what I was going to say to her. I don't know how to choose between her and Lauren.

On one hand, I've been friends with/known her longer than I've ever known Lauren. And, I believe, when I'm being honest with myself, that if we had still been together these past two years we would be married, if not at least engaged. I'm pretty positive that's where our relationship was heading, and I think she'd agree with me. Sydney, Syd… She's… she was my best friend (besides Weiss of course), and when we started dating and we were finally in a position in which we could both share our thoughts and feelings without fear of prosecution and death she became even more than that. She was my best friend, girlfriend, confident, lover and my everything…

Lauren, Lauren was there for me when I needed someone the most. When Sydney wasn't around, and I was too busy spiraling downwards to worry or think about anything else, Lauren was there. She saved my from myself, something that no one else had been able to do up to that point. She is my wife and lover, and for a while she was my confident too. But lately, well ever since Sydney returned, I haven't been able to confide in her about anything. Weiss had regained the frontal position of being my best friend and confident. Lauren… Lauren was my savior…

So who wins? … Or who loses?

I hate this situation. How is it fair that I get to decide the fate of three people? Just from the fact that I'm in this situation makes me believe that I don't deserve either of them. I've treated Sydney like crap since her return, and the same goes for Lauren. There's been a definite tension in our marriage now, one that had never been there before. Then again, this tension could just stem from the fact that I don't want to be there.

Actually, I can't really foresee any outcome from this situation except misery for everyone. Or at least for me. If I was in either of their positions, I have the feeling I'd be long gone. I would've left the marriage, or given up waiting. So why should they be any different? Why should either of them feel the need to stick around? Like Weiss once told me, I'm obviously a very lucky bastard.


You know what? I don't know him to come. If he can't get up the courage or whatever the hell is going on that has kept him from visiting, he doesn't need to come by. If I'm just a burden, then he should feel free, because a burden I will no longer be.

The CIA has offices all over the country, with even a few locations oversees. Perhaps if I transferred, I'd finally be away from all this Rambaldi nonsense too, and possibly able to move forward with my life. And even if the CIA refuses to transfer me, there are schools all over the world looking for a new English teacher. I could go teach ESL (English as a Second Language) in some remote village in a tiny country where I'd never be found.

I could also try a repeat of my recent actions, but considering they didn't work once, and the fact that the more I think about it, the more I'm glad they didn't, I have no motivation for a repeat performance.

In all honesty, I couldn't even go through with it. I mean, I drank the wine and I took the pills, but as I sat there in the bathtub, the reality settling in I couldn't handle it. I burst into tears, and as soon as they stopped.. well relatively stopped, I had gotten dressed (well it was just a bathrobe, but it was a form of clothes) and headed over to Weiss' to confess.

Damn it Vaughn. Why did he have to be there? I lost all nerve when I saw him. I seem to lose the ability to think, breathe or speak when I'm around him. And all of a sudden, those reasons I had when I started the evening seemed to have weight, and I was glad that I had taken the pills. I was glad. Damn it Vaughn! Why do you make everything harder than it should be? Why do you always cause me pain when you promised you'd always be there to take it away?


Okay. I'm going to do it. Don't look at me like that I am. Seriously. I'm going to walk in there right now… Okay, I'm going to walk in there as soon as my body will agree to turn in that direction. Why am I heading for the exit?

I force myself to stop walking and sink into the closest chair, head falling into my hands. I don't get why I can't just go in there. It's Sydney, the one I'd always promised to be there for. I wasn't there for her when the covenant took her away. I wasn't there to rescue her during her torture. Come to think of it, I never did seem to be there.

But this is my chance. I can go in there, and I can be there for her. I can give her whatever she needs. At least I think I can. But, in all honesty, I know I can't. If she asked me to leave, or to never see her again. If she told me she was going to leave, move, disappear I don't think I could handle it. For one, if anyone should be forced to leave, it should be me, since I accept the blame over everything that has happened. And for seconds, thinking back to how much her first "death" destroyed me, I'm not sure I'd make it through a second one.

But what about Lauren? During Sydney's "death" I had no one to lean on. Well I had Weiss, but there's only so much someone who's idea of comfort is hockey and beer, can do. Now I have Lauren. Sydney is not the center of my life anymore… Well she's not suppose to be.

Oh for Christ sake, why can't I just admit it?

The more I ramble on, the clearer the picture seems to get. No more fuzziness in place, as if I had finally been given the correct prescription and was looking on everything with a new set of eyes. Sydney is my life. She's not just another friend, or someone on the side of my life, she's not even the center. She is my entire life.

When I wake up in the morning, she's the first person I think of. When I take that first sip of coffee that jolts me awake, I remember how she likes it, two creams and one sugar, the same way as I took to adopting following her disappearance. When I pick out an outfit to wear, I think back to past discussions in which she confessed to enjoying certain outfits more than others. Every time I slip on my shoulder holster, or turn on the radio another random thought or moment is triggered.

She's my life.

How could I have not seen it before? How could I have been so … blind? So stupid?


I don't care if he walks in that door right now, because I never want to see him again. Nope, I'm just going to get out of here as soon as possible and get on my way. Take some time to travel maybe. Actually travel, not the travel I get to do for work. It's different when you're being sent on missions, you never get to enjoy what you see to actually see the places for themselves, but instead for what secret is being hidden there. What "bad people" are using it as another location in which to do business.

I've heard Thailand is beautiful. It's a small country, but it's full of backpackers, I'm sure it'd be pretty easy to disappear in a place like that. I could go down to Kosan Road (not positive about the spelling) and intermingle with the other backpackers until one day, I'm just no longer there.

Or how about Beijing? In a country with over one billion people it's got to be pretty simple to jus blend into the crowd… although, then again I am Caucasian… damnit.

Well that's only two of about 200 countries in the world. Hell I could just move to some small town in the US to disappear. I mean, sure the people in the town would notice me, but who'd suspect that I'd ever just jump onto a plane, and then into a car to only end up just under a thousand miles from LA?

There's really so many possibilities out there. I just have to decide.


Okay. I'm going to do it. Seriously, I'm walking towards her door right now. In less than 30 seconds I will be face to face with her again. I can feel the beads of sweat on my forehead. I'm not sure if she even wants to see me.

But I don't care. Even if she doesn't, I have the rest of my life to prove to her, just how worthy I am of her attention. No one can ignore someone for 50 years, you have to cave at some point… right?

It doesn't matter though, because she's got to be happy to see me. I have to think positive. Everyone keeps telling me that I've turned into a very negative person. It's interesting how once you have a pair of blinders on, you never notice anything.

I'm going to walk right in there and win her back. Or at least regain our friendship, after all, I still have to divorce Lauren, and divorce papers take time to get, then to get Lauren to sign them, and to go to court or whatever and finally get them approved… If I remember right from an old college buddy, it can take from three months to over a year!

But at the same time, that's perfect. Because if we're going to start over, we have to start at the very beginning. Go out on that first date, re-share our first kiss… Start back from square one, and move slowly. Last time I hurried through a marriage I ended up married to Lauren… Which, don't get me wrong, wasn't not an entirely bad think. We had our good moments throughout our marriage, and if truth be told, if Sydney has never returned I doubt I'd ever be having these thoughts.

I reach out my hand and grasp the door handle. I'm going to do it. As a few of the beads of sweat start to travel down my face (which I quickly wipe away with my sleeve), I can feel a smile stretch my cheeks to their limit. Things finally feel right. I'm back on track.


Okay, so I've figured it out. First I'm going to ask Dixon for a transfer to another office, perhaps over on the east coast or at Langley. Otherwise, I'm going to quit the CIA as I've been meaning to do for years (well I guess it's been years…) and become a teacher. I'll search the country until I find the perfect school and that's where I'm going to live. I'll have the summers off and I can go traveling. I'll make new friends. Maybe I'll even end up near Will and we can renew our friendship. Wherever the wind blows…

With my mind finally set, I sink into the pillows with a small smile gracing my lips. Everything's going to be okay.

A small noise at the door grabs my attention, and I turn to the door, ready to greet the nurse with a smile. It should be about time for them to reset the IV, the bag's getting quite low.

As the nurse steps into the room, I realize it's not a nurse at all, but Vaughn. He stops when he catches my gaze, our eyes locked in a duel. We've never needed words to communicate. And I find I can read him just as much now as I could over two years ago. And he must be finding the same, because the smile starts to fade from his face, his eyes gathering tears, ready to overflow.

Myself? Well I'm just shocked with the amount of love I'm reading from his gaze. I don't think he's ever looked at me with so much love, even back when we were dating.

"You're leaving?!" It's a half question half statement, that tumbles from his lips in a whisper, but it's enough to break the spell I seem to be under and I look away.


As my eyes meet hers, it's as if nothing's change from two years before. I can read her just as well now as I could then. But what I'm seeing is definitely not what I expected. I can feel my heart speed up, going into overdrive at the meaning they read from her gaze.

"You're leaving?!" I didn't even realize I'd opened my mouth, until she pulled her gaze from mine, and I was left staring at the side of her head.

When she made no movement to deny it, I couldn't hold the tears that had been filling my eyes in check any longer, and could feel them hot against my flushed cheeks. Well this is just fuckin' fantastic. I don't know what to say, everything that I thought I had prepared doesn't cover this situation. Nothing could've prepared me for this.


I glance back at him, to see tears sliding down his cheeks. And I realize just how much we're meant to be when I realize that the sight of him in tears, has reduced me to them as well. And as he stares at the ground, and I stare at him, I watch mesmerized as I feel our tears slipping and sliding in sync with each other.

And for once in my life, I wished I wasn't so goddamn readable. That I'd been able to hear him out, to read him before he could do the same with me.

And so we stay, him standing just inside the door, hand still remaining on the handle, tears sliding down his face, only to fall off his chin, landing with a tiny splash on the linoleum floor, and myself reclining on the bed, tears sliding down my face only to soak into the hospital gown I'd been forced to wear, eyes stuck on the sight of the man standing before me.

The proof in front of me, that the last two years have down unbearable damage on more people than just myself. That not everyone fully recovered, that many of us were still broken.

But that we are all still here. And that's what matters.


Once again, please tell me…

Please tell me which option you'd prefer:

1) This to be the last chapter and end of the story

2) For this to be the last chapter of I'm Still Here, but the story to have a sequel

3) Same as two, but just an epilogue instead of sequel

4) To continue this story further.. (if you pick this, what kind of ending are you looking for?)