Chapter 7. I'm currently one week sober, I got into some stuff a week ago so after being sober for a couple days I started using again and trying so hard to hide that I was high, until they caught me snorting coke in my closet. I had no idea they were even home or I wouldn't have done it. I've been pretty depressed, not sleeping. I haven't eaten in two days …Spencer's tried to get me to eat. She's worrying about me too much; I don't think she should be worrying at all. I'm perfectly fine …sort of. Spencer won't sleep with me either, and I'm the kind of person, who just thinks Spencer's company is enough, but she usually starts some kind of heavy make-out session and these days she hasn't.
School's been a bitch. I can't stand half of my teachers, their jackasses. The itching has gotten worse, like …I don't know how to explain it. I guess …like …if a bunch of bugs were crawling all over your arms and you brush them away or scratch the area they're in. That's what it feels like, except they don't go away. It's just itching though …Kyla was worried about it, but it doesn't bother me that much.
I never know what to do with myself anymore. I feel like running away. I hear things, I'm not stupid. They're creating an elaborate plan to help me. I want to change …I do. So I've taken matters into my own hands and invited everyone to the house today to tell them my plan. It's genius really …if only they had thought of it …I'm sure they have though. They'll be mad, but I don't care.
"What's up Ash? Are you feeling bad or something?" Kyla won't stop fussing over me. I moved away from her touch and sat on the stool waiting for Aiden to come back from the bathroom. I had a suitcase sitting against the wall out of view …I didn't want them to find out before I said it.
Aiden sat down and all eyes were on me …it made me uneasy and nervous. Alcohol could fix all that …but I just stared back. My ride would be here soon so I needed to get on with it.
"I feel like life is pointless these days." I paused and I saw the look on Spencer's face. She was confused …I could tell.
"I love you three the most out of everyone in the entire world. Dad too, but he's gone now. And that's when my behavior took a turn for the worst. I realize that. I'm not as stupid as people think."
Kyla was about to speak up but I shook my head. "Let me finish. I want to get better, which is why I'm leaving. You guys deserve to have a stress free life and live it like you should. Graduate, go to college, make new friends, find the loves of your lives, and be happy. Me being here prevents some of those events and I'm removing myself from the situation."
Aiden looked angry, "Killing yourself isn't going to fix anything. You're just going to make it worse." He was going to continue, but I cut him off.
"I'm not going to kill myself. I'm-" The door bell rang and I got off the stool and opened the front door. Everyone followed me as I spoke to the person at the door. I pointed to my suitcase and he grabbed it to put in the car. I looked at the three of them. Looking so hurt. "I've got to go. I won't say where because I don't want visitors. I'll be back eventually. Just go on and live your lives."
Kyla hugged me and whispered that she understood. Aiden was next and he hugged me until I could breathe. I wasn't much for affection. Spencer didn't touch me, just stared. I spoke first. "I love you. I'll always love you. Don't wait for me, I could be awhile."
Tears started rolling slowly. "Stay. We can help you." I shook my head …my friends couldn't help me now. "I have to go. I need it. You're free Spence. You don't need me."
She hugged me and I didn't want to let go. She kissed me and I didn't want it to stop. She told me she loved me and I didn't want that moment to be the last time I ever heard it. I walked to the car door and looked back. "See you soon."
