I hope everybody had a happy, safe New Year's Eve!
Chapter Seven
Three passions have governed my life:
The longing for love, the search for knowledge,
And unbearable pity for the suffering of [humankind].
Bertrand Russell (adapted) – excerpt
Jack was oblivious to the hurt look that filled his young lover's soft brown eyes. Although the first thing he did as when he and the other crewmen were safely back aboard the Welshman was to hook his arm around Kam's waist and pull him in close, pressing a firm kiss to his forehead, Jack barely looked at him. His attention was focused on Mr. Smeed.
"What do you have?" he asked his First Officer in an anxious tone. He released Kam so Leah Ali could help him with the rest of his gear. Getting in and out of a space suit wasn't a one person job. He handed her the helmet he'd wrestled out of on his own but he had no choice but to let her help with the gloves.
It seemed to Kam that Jack didn't even notice him stepping away so Leah get him stripped out of the bulky orange suit – although he certainly seemed to notice her.
"Come by our quarters sometime and you can help me out of the rest of my clothes…" he teased with a lascivious smirk, his brows raised suggestively when she finally had the gloves off his hands. He winked at Kam, but didn't seem to notice the younger man's lack of response.
He was so happy to have Jack back in one piece… he'd been so worried. Even if Jack couldn't die, he could still get hurt and the thought of ever seeing him get killed again made Kam's guts wind up into tight cold hard knots… but Jack didn't seem to notice.
Kam watched him, wondering (not for the first time) how long it was really going to last. Sooner or later he was sure to find someone else. Someone older… smarter… less naïve. Jack was so amazing.
Leah rolled her eyes at the Captain's lewd comment and handed off the helmet to Kam, nodding at the shelf where it went. She was too busy concentrating on what she was doing to notice the younger man's hurt expression or think twice about the way the Captain was 'ignoring' him. Space suits were designed for spacework; in atmosphere, gravity, they were heavy… hot... bulky, difficult to move about in and not at all comfortable.
Besides, by now most of the crew had sussed out that the Captain's flirtations weren't serious… Well… they were serious… but he wouldn't take it the wrong way when he got turned down. Everybody knew he adored Mr. Anders. It was written all over his face, especially when Anders was in the room.
Kam took the helmet wordlessly and stored it away where Leah had nodded, likewise with the gloves and the rest of the equipment as she passed it over. At least I'm not completely in the way... he thought sullenly, aching to have Jack look at him.
He hadn't actually expected him to pull him into his arms and… yes he had. But that's stupid. Stupid and selfish. I'm just his…
Boyfriend.
Suddenly the word seemed all wrong.
I'm his bed warmer, Kam decided, trying very hard not to let the realization sting too much. It wasn't really a bad thing, not with a man like Jack Harkness. Jack played with him… danced with him… read to him… He was a good man. A really good man. He would treat him well, Kam knew that. He would care for him… care about him.
But it wouldn't last. How could it? Kam was barely twenty. Jack was nearly three thousand years old.
How can I honestly hope to keep the interest of someone like that? How could anybody? Jack had seen… he must have seen the whole Universe!
Kam took a deep breath and told himself that he was just going to enjoy the time they had together and when it was over he'd… he'd move on. Deep down he knew that it would probably kill him.
"That name you asked about wasn't on the manifest," Mr. Smeed answered the Captain's previous question in a cautious tone. He wasn't unaware of the young pilot's pained expression; he had a pretty good idea what the cause of it was, too.
"He was probably using an alias," said Jack, oblivious to both Kam's hurt and Smeed's private thoughts. He reached for the electronic pad his First Officer was holding in his hand; he was only half out of his suit.
He began skimming the names, hoping John had used a name he knew – or at least something he could figure out. Even if he put every member of his crew in a suit and sent them into the Janus and Hestia, they didn't have enough time to search each and every cabin… sixty hours. He sighed, trying to hide his exasperation. It would take sixty days to search that entire ship.
"I'll be in my office," he shimmied the rest of the way out of the suit, his attention still focused on the pad's screen. He took his leave without so much as a backwards glance at anyone.
Kam finished helping Leah Ali get the others out of their suits. As soon as Buddy and Fielding were out of theirs, they started helping Mr. Stasi and his team suit up… when the Captain had said round the clock salvage, he'd meant it. The best the crew could hope for over the next fifty eight hours were two and three hour power naps in between shifts.
Instead of being disgruntled at the loss of sleep and rec time, however, the crew were eager to get to work. More than looking at a prospective pay off, most of them were happy to be working for a man they respected.
…………………………………………………………..
Despite Mr. Smeed's suggestion that he should get some sleep, Kam went to the cabin that had been his home the last two months and started a pot of Jack's special industrial strength coffee. He knew Mr. Smeed was right, he should sleep. But he wasn't going to be able to. He had too many things on his mind; very few of them were pleasant.
After all, what did he really think was going to happen? Jack was going to… to carry him off into some fictional sunset like the hero in some stupid romance novel?
Only that's what he had done.
Waiting for Jack's coffee to finish, Kam found himself sitting on the sofa. He pulled the blanket off the back of it and wrapped it tight around himself, wishing it was Jack's arms instead of just the blanket. He remembered the very first time he'd been in the Captain's cabin. How scared he'd been. How unsure of himself. Of Jack. His intentions.
He was sure he knew what the Captain had wanted, but that kiss… very few people had ever wanted to kiss him. Not like that. Not on the lips. Service Providers didn't get kissed, they did the kissing. But that was his old life…
He pulled the blanket tighter around his shoulders, tucking it right up under his nose and inhaling deeply. The whole place smelled like Jack. The smell made him so happy.
God, I love you so much… the thought brought equal measures of joy and pain.
The coffee pot sputtered. He got up, leaving the blanket behind, and poured some of the nearly opaque black liquid into the biggest mug in the cupboard… Jack's mug. He added sugar… it is definitely a wonder he has any teeth left… they must be immortal as well, he reckoned. He smiled despite the storm of emotions brewing inside him.
He'd never been so happy… but it couldn't last. Good things never did. He believed everything Jack had ever told him, he just didn't see how he could possibly keep his interest for more than... a year... maybe two. Three. Four. He doubted it would last even that long.
fHe stopped that train of thought before the hurt became any more unbearable.
They weren't over yet. He was still here… Jack would come back to their cabin eventually. He would come to bed… hold me… kiss me… tell me he loves me…
Kam took another moment to pull himself together before making his way to Jack's office with his coffee. The last thing he wanted was for his Captain to realize how insecure he still was… he didn't want the Captain... his Captain... to think him ungrateful.
The look that the older man gave him when he stepped into his office was difficult to read. It was a strange mix of warmth and hurting… a flicker of something that Kam thought might be memory crossed his face… those blue eyes. Whatever it was, it made Jack smile a bitter sweet smile.
"Just the thing I was wishing for," Jack put down the electronic pad.
"Would that be me or the coffee, Sir?" Kam couldn't help but tease him.
He had no idea of the impact the words had on the older man, no way of knowing that they were an echo of something another man had said so often that Jack could close his eyes and see him standing there wearing Jack's favourite suit, the one with the red shirt… the waistcoat… that tie… blue grey eyes twinkling with mirth, knowing what Jack was going to say next…
But he didn't close his eyes. He focused his attention on the young man standing there watching him wearing a plain t-shirt and jeans and that leather vest Jack found so irrestable. "Both?" he asked playfully, well aware that it was the same answer he'd always given to that question, at least when Ianto asked it.
Kam laughed.
Brown eyes. Jack told himself. Brown eyes. Blond hair… barely twenty years old.
Chicken and dumplings.
Pineapples.
Coffee.
The things that made Kam special, even though some of those things were shared with somebody else who had been so very special. Somebody who loved me more than anything.
Kam closed the distance between them and set the mug down at Jack's elbow, the handle pointing at exactly seven o'clock. He hesitated a moment, aware that the older man's expression remained an odd mix of happy and sad that he didn't understand… finally he said he'd let Jack get back to work. He paused a moment more before turning to leave.
"Hey," he snagged his young lover by the arm, pulling him gently back towards him. "You should get some sleep."
"I know. I just… I'm… I'm really glad you're back," he said, trying not to bite at his lower lip. He felt like such a stupid little kid to be admitting that aloud. He'd only been out of the ship a couple of hours… he's going to think… butbefore he could finish the thought, he felt another gentle little tug at his arm.
Jack brought the younger man down into his lap and encircled him in his arms. "I'm glad to be back," he pressed his lips to Kam's forehead again. He felt him sag against him. Relax. "It's nice to have somebody to come home to," he admitted. The words, albeit true, slipped out before he could stop them.
Kam blinked in surprised. "Do you really mean that?"
Jack answered him with a kiss. It was soft at first, gentle. Gradually he coaxed the younger man's lips open, deepening the kiss… he held him close. He was such a perfect fit against him. He was shorter. His body was so different… but it was still perfect. He made Jack feel … whole. Happy. And that kiss… God, he loved that kiss. "I mean it."
"Come to bed?" Kam asked hopefully. Maybe he was being silly, maybe… hope made his heart swell.
"I can't. I have to go through this," he felt Kam's body slump in disappointment. "There were over a thousand people on that ship," he explained, trying to make the other man understand. "Even eliminating the women… non human crew…" the children.
Not just the handful of kids who had gone with their parents. The Janus and Hestia had vanished six months out of port. He wasn't clear on what exactly had happened to her out here, why all contact had been lost, but she didn't go down for another five years after she'd disappeared and according to the records he'd accessed, in that time there had been six births on board.
Knowing they were lost and might never get home, the crew had carried on. They'd done what people always did… they'd survived.
Even when the Universe went dark, mankind would still be out there surviving despite the fact that space and time were literally flying apart…
"Cariad?"
Jack shook himself. "If I narrow my search to just the men on board, I've still got about six hundred names to go through," he said. There was no way to narrow it any further; the information contained in the ship's manifest only listed names, birthdates. Planets of origin. None of those things could help him find a man living out of his time.
Kam bit his lower lip. Before, he had assumed that Jack was looking for something, not someone. Someone who was probably dead… "Who… who are you searching for?" he asked. Jack was always saying he didn't have any secrets…
"I knew somebody who was supposed to be on that ship. We were supposed to meet, when he got back. Only the ship got lost out here." He shrugged.
"I'm sorry."
"I didn't find out about it until… until it was too late to do anything." He said it aloud because he needed to hear the words. He needed to believe them. He needed to convince himself that there was no way he could have saved John… any of them. He hadn't received the message until the Janus and Hestia was already lost. "By the time he told me where he was, he would have been dead for two years. Time delayed message," he explained.
"But you're still looking for him."
"I'm looking for what he had with him. And… and maybe… I just want to know that he's really gone," Jack answered honestly. "Maybe I need to know," it was hard to believe that he'd never hear his annoying drawl again, never see his sneer. John was the last living remnant of a place Jack had left so long ago… people he'd loved… buried… "We… we were…"
"He was your boyfriend," said Kam. He didn't bother to make it a question.
"A very, very long time ago, Sweetheart." And it's so much more complicated than that…
"Is there anything I can do to help?" Kam surprised him by asking, his tone carefully guarded. Neutral.
Jack pressed his lips to the younger man's forehead again. "No. I don't even know what name he was using."
Kam shifted so they were looking at each other; his brows had knitted together. "What do you mean?"
"Kam… " he could see in the younger man's eyes that he was making the connection. The leap. "I…"
"It doesn't matter." People changed their names for all kinds of reasons. He shouldn't have expected that Jack's name was really Jack. "I should let you get back to work." After all, it was his fault they had so little time here. Jack had wasted almost a week at Omega Station because of him. He slid out off the older man's lap, out of his grasp.
"We'll come back to this some other time, I promise."
"It really doesn't matter," he leant in and Jack met the kiss half way. "How soon are you going back out?" he asked, still keeping his tone very carefully neutral. He knew there was no way Jack was going to send someone else to look for whatever remains his boyfriend had left behind.
"As soon as I figure out which cabin was his," he conceded without arguement.
"Can… I'd like to go with you. Please…?"
He shook his head. "You've never been in space before, Kam. A derelict ship in a rapidly decaying orbit isn't the place to start," he added when he saw the argument – the disappointment –in the younger man's expression. "I promise, there'll be another ship… another time… but not today. Not this ship. That's an order, Mister," he added. Although he meant it light-heartedly, Kam didn't laugh.
"Yes, Sir," he turned to leave.
"Hey… you want me to come and tuck you in?"
"No. I'll be fine. I… I know this important to you," he forced his voice to remain steady, his gaze not to waiver away from Jack's. "Just… wake me if you end up going back out before I have to get up for my shift?"
"I will. I promise. I love you," he said the last in a softer tone.
It was easy to mistake his tone as an afterthought; Kam smiled anyway. No matter how much… or how little… time they had, he was going to do everything he could to make the best of it. "I love you too."
