Author's Disclaimer: I don't own Bernard or any other Santa Clause character. Helen is mine.


The Day Bernard Got Beaned (And What Happened After)

Chapter Six: Christmas Conversation


A few hours later, Bernard and Helen were making themselves an improvised Christmas dinner- or more of a lunch. After Bernard finished telling Helen about himself, they had both gotten another mug of seasoned milk while opening the remaining presents. But milk wasn't much of a meal.

Their conversation had quickly gotten back to Bernard, and what he did for work.

"I still can't believe you aren't questioning this more. Most people your age just can't accept what I am, you know."

Helen smirked as she chopped vegetables. "Hey! I'm not that old."

"I mean, you're a grownup."

"Oh, right." Bernard looked sideways at her as he mixed something, and saw that she wasn't being sarcastic at all. He generally disliked grownups, but Helen was definitely an exception. She had an extremely sincere quality to her, and her entire manner was soothing and calm, never rushed. He realized she was quite a contrast to himself. His mannerisms tended to be over the top, he raised his voice frequently, and he always seemed to be rushing, rushing, rushing...

And half the time, he was a downright grump.

Huh. Right up until this very minute, he hadn't really acknowledged that about himself. Maybe losing your memory had its benefits- it gave you perspective.

Or maybe the real reason...was Helen. No matter how much stress being Head Elf might bring him any given year, it was nowhere near what losing your nearest and dearest had to feel like.

Bernard's thoughts turned to another gift Helen had received: a set of various family photos she had thought to be lost years back. They were even set into an album for her, all courtesy of Santa. Bernard knew Santa had pulled out all the stops for a gift like that, but was glad for it. Helen both deserved and appreciated it.

Bernard, meanwhile, had received socks; the normal kind. Another gag gift, of course. He had also, however, been given a snow globe of the North Pole which, aside from being beautiful, would allow him to contact Santa.

Of course, now that Bernard remembered how to teleport he could be on his way home anytime he wanted, so it was a somewhat strange gift. It was almost like Santa expected him to call before coming back. Or, maybe he had provided it for another reason? Helen had seen the magical view of the goings on up at Santa's workshop through the snow globe, so it had probably helped a lot in convincing her to believe him so quickly.

"I wish I could go to the North Pole with you."

Bernard blinked, and glanced over to Helen. She sounded wistful...and hopeful, too. He tried to brush it off, and answered as cheerfully as he could.

"Ahh, well that's not really do-able. You kind of have to be an elf. Or else you have to be family to Santa, and even they only visit. Except for his wife, obviously."

"Well, I can totally go get myself some really good costume ears..." She was grinning, but Bernard could tell she was only half joking. He felt a twinge of sympathy, wishing there was something he could do to change the rules, but there really wasn't.

"I'm afraid that wouldn't cut it. You'd have to be an orphaned kid. We do have a few elves who used to be human, though it's pretty rare."

Helen stopped what she was doing, and stared over at him. "Are you serious? Do they...I don't know..."

"They kind of make the transition over time." Bernard went back to what he was doing, feeling a little odd talking about this.

"So their ears get pointy, and stuff?"

"Yeah, pretty much."

They both worked for a few moments in silence, before Helen went on. "Well, I'm an orphan, even though I'm a grownup now."

Bernard laughed a little at that. She really wanted to go! "No, sorry, that definitely only applies to kids."

"Darn." Helen grinned over at him. "So...Santa's obviously taken, but what if I can find some elf willing to marry me? Would that work? I don't suppose you guys have a dating service?"

Bernard laughed hard at that, and Helen joined in after a moment. That was such a goofy idea, it really struck his funny bone! Not that she was wrong, if he remembered right, actually. He glanced back over to her after they had stopped laughing, expecting to see a matching grin. He got her profile instead, set in a half hearted smile.

Bernard quickly looked away, and concentrated on pouring the batter he'd been mixing into the muffin pan. They were making pop-ups.

He felt sorry for Helen. With her brother passing on, she had lost the last of her family- the family she knew and loved, anyway. She might have a few distant cousins or a great uncle, he supposed, but that wasn't much. And Bernard knew that soon, he would be going back to the North Pole, back to work. It seemed cruel. And he admitted, he would miss her too.

She was serious about wanting to go with him. Bernard stared over at her, watching as she quietly sliced carrots. He bet she'd even make a good worker. She was slicing those carrots very evenly. Precision was always useful. And, actually, she was right about how she could stay at the North Pole...

"You'd stop aging, you know. And you'd get the pointy ears. Real ones."

Helen stopped chopping, and slowly looked up at him. "What?" She still looked a little sad, and it spurred Bernard's crazy train of thought on.

"I mean, if you married an elf. It would work, but you'd turn into an elf too." He found it hard to hold her gaze for some reason, and turned to the oven to set the temperature. "Hypothetically, if you found someone."

"I see." Helen stared at Bernard as he pushed buttons on the oven, a strange mix of nervousness and hope fluttering through her. "Are you married, Bernard?" She laughed immediately after. She almost wanted to say 'just kidding!' to lessen her embarrassment. How forward!

"No, no, I never went that route. I've been too focused on my work, I guess." He grinned over at her, his eyes mostly closed, and she couldn't read him at all. "Not that it would be for real, obviously. If you married an elf, I mean. It would just be a favor, a wedding in name so you could work at the North Pole..."

"Right...of course. I mean, I could hardly ask a complete stranger to marry me." Helen smiled gently to herself. She couldn't help it. She was really starting to hope. Maybe Bernard was serious, maybe he'd ask.

Bernard was having trouble with the oven. His fingers weren't working right. Or maybe the oven wasn't working right. Or maybe his brain wasn't working right! Any of that, or maybe all three! What was he thinking, almost offering to marry this human girl? He wasn't stupid, he knew what he was implying! This was so...so silly! She was probably embarrassed by the whole thing, it was such a ridiculous proposition...

"Well, so what's the hold up, Bernard? Propose already. Geeze, I only knew Carol, what, half a month before we tied the knot. Remember?"

Both Bernard and Helen jumped in the air, then turned around to see Santa Claus, of all people, standing in the kitchen entrance.

He was grinning. "Seriously. This is like that karma stuff Neil keeps going on about, Bernard."


AN: Seriously, Tim Allen as Santa. Ho HO Ho! Ho Ho HO! :D